


To Feel Your Heartlines

by renlybaratheon



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Complete, Happy Ending, M/M, POV Adam, Pining, Sex, basically four weddings and a funeral, i will add more tags when i can think of it, not a real major character death a minor one, you don't have to have seen 4 weddings 1 funeral to like this hopefully lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-03
Updated: 2017-05-23
Packaged: 2018-08-12 20:58:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 119,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7948948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/renlybaratheon/pseuds/renlybaratheon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>People in Adam Parrish's life keep getting married all around him, and Adam is not a fan of weddings, a constant reminder of being unlucky in love and his personal decision to focus on his career. But at one wedding, Adam meets the funny and charming Ronan Lynch and starts to think maybe that decision could use some revision, and that his luck has changed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Wedding of Orla Sargent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> basically i rewatched four weddings and a funeral and was inspired.
> 
> title based off a broods song: [heartlines](http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/broods/heartlines.html)

“Shit shit shit shit shit! Blue, wake up!”

Adam was late. Adam was never late. At some point during the night before, the clock must have died and the stupid old thing restarted itself, clearing out his saved alarm. This wasn’t the first time it happened, but it was the first time he didn’t wake up anyway, and while he could afford a new one he didn’t see a point when it worked enough of the time to matter.

Blue was dead asleep in her room adjoining his, a small lump shape in the mass of her sheets. Her face was buried under pillows, nose peeking out enough from under one he could see. She groaned as he shook at her shoulder, groaned louder when his shaking grew a little more frantic.

“Blue! We’re late!” he shouted.

“We’re not late,” she said. “The alarm hasn’t gone off.”

In a panic Adam lifted Blue’s phone to her face and clicked the home button, illuminating the screen to show her the time. Her eyelids scrunched closed even tighter from the brightness so close, and Adam had little patience for how long it took to get Blue out of bed. After a few seconds Blue’s eyes peeled open and she drowsily took notice of her phone. When her eyes flitted up to the top of the screen they went wide in an instant and she bucked out of bed.

“Fuck!”

The stress of being late anywhere was an overwhelming ache in Adam’s stomach, no matter if it was for coffee or work or in this case a wedding. He was always going to feel terrible, which is why it almost never happened. Until today.

The pair scrambled to get dressed, jumped into Adam’s car, and raced off for the wedding, something Adam never thought himself capable of. He didn’t like to go fast and yet here he was, even in terrible city traffic he managed to pick up speeds and avoid police detection. He released a little pressure on the gas pedal when they made it past city limits, but Blue was still egging him on to go faster. This wasn’t even a good friend of his getting married, a mere acquaintance, Blue was actually closer to the bride than he was yet he felt compelled to arrive at a fashionable time and not be seen as someone who made a point of being late.

“Should I get dressed now, or when we get there?” Blue asked in a panic. “I don’t want this ugly dress to get wrinkled, but you’re in your suit already.”

“Blue, you’re in the bridal party,” he said, glancing at her in between moving between cars on the highway. This was very unlike him, but he was feeling a rush zipping past the other cars. He couldn’t imagine having done this in the car he drove in high school. That thing probably would’ve imploded going over sixty let alone trying to serpentine at this rate. “Do you really want to greet your cousin in a ‘Fuck Meninists’ shirt and bulldog pajama bottoms? I mean, be my guest—“

Blue groaned. “I hate destination weddings!” she shouted. “And I hate your alarm clock!”

“Me too."

Blue and Adam were roommates since college, having met in a GE class freshman year. Her changing in front of him like she was doing now in the passenger seat was nothing new, a usual occurrence. Living in a cramped apartment in New York didn’t allow for many boundaries. Usually Blue was the one who came as Adam’s plus one to these things, as an excuse to have someone to shit talk with mainly, but this time he was hers.

"Hurry hurry hurry!"

"I'm going as fast as I can!"

"Shiiiiiiit."

Her hand knocked into Adam’s shoulder as she struggled to slip into the gaudy bright and bulky dress her cousin picked out for the bridesmaid’s.

“Sorry,” she shouted through the fabric.

“If we get in a car accident it’s your fault,” he said.

“Yeah. Yeah. Whatever. Just get us there on time!”

He did, in fact, get them there on time. Literally on the dot. The wedding was being held in a small town by the seaside in Maine, a lengthy drive but easier than taking a plane. Adam had never flown before, terrified of flying in fact. Though he never flew, he was afraid of the idea of it. The lifting off the ground part and the landing part were the more terrifying aspects, and enough to make him reject the idea of saving time and energy for travel.

The second they reached the parking lot Adam stopped to let Blue out, who bolted out the door in her combat boots, ignorant of the image she was currently admitting. Wild hair in a loose bun, a dress sitting shambled on her frame due to dressing in a cramped space, and her black boots peeking out underneath the pink. Though, when Adam thought about it, he was sure Blue probably didn’t care. He knew Orla would.

After parking, Adam rushed after Blue, following the same trail she did and angling toward the sound of music past the restaurant closed for the reception. The ceremony was taking place on the beach, which Adam thought ridiculous since it was an evening ceremony, but it wasn’t _his_ wedding. By the time he made it around the corner of the building all eyes were on him and he realized the wedding was already starting.

“Uh…”

Blue was panting at the front next to three other women in matching but pristine dresses. When their eyes met she gestured with a crane of her neck for him to quickly sit down, and he picked the side closer to him, despite it being for the groom’s guests. He sunk down in the furthest back row just as Orla appeared in an elegant lavender dress with her mom, Jimi, appearing beside her.

Shit! He made it. When Orla and Jimi walked past him his body reacted to the relief of no longer stress driving and his muscles all loosened at once. His neck drifted to rest on the back of his chair, eyes drawing closed for a brief moment. The music was soothing and driving nonstop across several states was taxing. The threat of falling asleep was imminent, but if he could only let himself relax a minute… Just a minute….

“Here I thought I would be the usual last one to arrive, and then you show up ten minutes after me making me feel better about myself. Thanks for that."

Adam peeled his eyes open and turned his head to his right to see himself sitting next to a very Irish, very clean shaven, very hot looking man. The sight of him perked Adam upright immediately, like a shot of espresso jumpstarting in his system.

“You’re welcome?” Adam was tongue tied by his accent and the little smirk etched onto his thin lips. His bright blue eyes were doubly penetrating with the matching tie tucked neatly at his neck.

"Oh, your collar is...." The young man reached over and pulled at the back of Adam's collar. His skin tingled as the man's knuckles brushed against the nape of his neck, a finger innocently sneaking upward into the base of his hair.

Adam gulped, looking over at the man. He was staring ahead again already. To him it was probably a small act of kindness. To Adam- he wasn't sure what it was to him. A pull towards this complete stranger, that was for sure. He opened his mouth to speak back, react verbally, and then luckily (or unluckily) the ceremony started and the music shifting silenced him.

 

~~

Orla Sargent and — Adam already forgot the name of who she married. Oops. That was in poor taste, but Adam had also spent the entire ceremony looking between Blue who during the ceremony tried not to cry and shoved her bouquet in her face as a result, and the man who originally sat next to Adam but halfway through the ceremony took a phone call and never came back.

When he left the wedding became affectively more dull, and Adam was overwhelmed with the memory of those blue eyes or the tight cut of his very well tailored suit. He wanted to know this man's story instantly, but the trouble with this new attraction was the man seemed to have disappeared after the wedding service and there were an alarming amount of people attending this wedding to move through.

As people shuffled off the beach and towards the reception area Adam lingered behind a moment, taking in the sight of the crowd walking off. In his shoes he could feel the sand sinking in, uncomfortably pressed into his socks. Subtly he tried to shake some free from his foot, but to no avail. The rest of the night was going to be filled with sand filled shoe, it seemed. He'd survived through worse.

Orla and her new husband, a name he still didn't quite catch, were disappeared briefly, but their families were going around receiving thanks and praise before the reception officially began. Adam seemed to have lost Blue in all this chaos, not so easily done in the lamp shaped dress she wore. Had he seen her first he would have tried to squeeze out information on the mysterious man, but he spotted Orla's mother, Jimi, instead.

"You must be so proud," he said. He didn't know what else there was _to_ say. This part of the ceremony was foreign to him. Usually he had Blue by his side and together they formed something nice to say or nothing to say. He also really wanted to know who Blue Eyes was.

"Oh? My," said Jimi, startled by his presence coming in from her right. "Blue's friend, right?" she asked, to which he nodded. “Thank you. I think Blue's inside with the other bridal party getting photographed if you....”?

"Actually..." Adam shuffled his feet. The sand was still lodged in his socks, but he also didn't know how to phrase this without sounding off kilter. "I was wondering if, well, you know all the guests right?"

Jimi arched an eyebrow. “Mostly. Why?"

And then he saw him. In the corner of his eye he spotted a tall, lean body pass through the crowd, shaved head and dark suit cast against the lighter colors most others opted for, like himself. He walked with his head cast down, focused on the ground, or something else entirely. There was something about him that made it impossible for Adam to look away, but then he did when he heard Jimi clear her throat next to him.

"Sorry." His face went a little hot as he turned back toward her. "I was wondering if you could tell me who that it?"

"Who?"

"The tall one over there. Irish, I think, if I have my accents correct." Adam knew he did, but there was always room for small error. He watched, as Jimi not so subtly turned her head completely to follow Blue Eyes' movements, moving against the crowd without giving any attention to it. It was like he didn't belong here, but Adam sometimes felt he didn't belong at weddings either.

"Oh, him." She sounded disappointed or annoyed, maybe both. With a sigh she added more context. "Yes, he's friends with Orla's husband. Through work, I think. Irish, like you said. I hear he's quite the curmudgeon. I was surprised he even bothered to show up today. Orla said she gave him a reading once and he told her she was just trying to goad him and that psychics are charlatans."

She rolled her eyes.

Adam sometimes forgot most, if not all, of Blue's family were psychic in some way. Orla said that's how she met her husband, which Blue said was extra amusing because he was calling about his then girlfriend at the time. It wasn't hard to claim psychics as nothing but good guessers and skilled at reading body language, but Adam knew better after his first encounter with her family.

This information gave him nothing though as far as knowing the man's identity, which was the reason he asked anything at all.

"Do you know his name?" he asked Jimi.

"Nope," and she moved on. Adam sighed. After turning to find him again, discovering that _again_ he disappeared into the crowd, he was resigned to head into the reception like all the rest.

It was uncommon for Adam to drink, but weddings were often an exception. They were often long, dull, awkward, and at the end of the day they were never his. So he drank. Not excessively, one or two was always enough. It gave everything a soft glow around the edges and Adam could afford that small release of control now. Since he graduated university and settled into his job in New York, Adam was doing terrific. His life had been on track for a while, since high school actually, but finally he could catch his breath. Allow himself to take a break when he felt he earned it. Work was amazing, but so was sleep.

But that wasn't important at the moment, because Adam was a little buzzed and feeling his legs stir to the music playing as everyone was shuffling in to find their tables. The joy of moving to a big city was the ability for Adam to make more friends. The trouble with making more friends was when they got married he got invited to the wedding. This was his third in a year's time, but more were likely coming as almost all of his friends were engaged at this point. They never prepare you for this part of adulthood.

"Found the booze awfully quick this time," came a voice to Adam's right. He turned to see also situated at the bar was Blue, her dress sitting better on her than before, but her hair still in chaos.

"When they read their vows as poems to each other I was already planning my drink order," he said.

"What you drinking?" said Blue, but already she was grabbing the cup from Adam's hand and putting it to her mouth. His coke and rum must not have appealed to her, her face wrinkling and nose scrunching up. She handed the drink back to him and melodramatically gagged. “Ew, rum," she said.

“You’re more than welcome to go get your own drink,” he suggested, sipping more of his drink as his eyes made connection with the bartender down the way. Adam learned it was usually easy for him to get what he wanted, when he was confidant he could get just about anything. Blue was shaking her head when his attention returned to her. 

“Can’t. I have to make a speech later. Where you sitting?"

"Not sure...."

"I wish you could sit with me, or that our other friends could make it so at least you had _someone_ to talk to."

"I'll be fine," said Adam. "I've made friends with Olly here already."

"Being on a first name basis with the bartender before dinner's even started isn't a good thing," said Blue, but Adam wasn't interested in drinking more than his one rum and coke tonight. "You okay? You seem distracted."

"Not everything is a crisis, Blue," said Adam. "I'm looking for someone, actually."

That was the wrong thing to say because Blue perked up immediately. "Oh?" She loved hearing about Adam's love life because it was a rare thing to talk about. Filled with awkward first dates, bad hook ups at college parties (when he was still attending college), and the occasional attempt at something more that never went anywhere because Adam's priorities never matched those he met.

"It's nothing," and Adam tensed, trying to think of a way out of this inevitable conversation. All his friends were always trying to set him up on dates, as if focusing on his career wasn't enough. "Did Orla get mad at you for showing up late?"

"Pfft. Forget her," she said. "I don't think she even noticed my shoes, she's high on love. Don't change subjects. Who is it you've met? Please don't tell me it's my distant cousin Charlie. I would _die_."

"They're not family, I promise. We should go sit down. Do you even know what you're going to say in your speech?"

Blue shrugged. "I'm going to wing it, of course. They can't be that hard, can they?"

Adam didn't know whether to laugh or shake his head or both.

"Just be glad Henry isn't here to hear about this new development," she added, when they started to separate between the tables. "He's obsessed with finding you somebody."

"I don't need help in that department," said Adam. "Especially from Henry."

Blue snorted, shaking her head. "Whatever you say." She started back down the row of tables, but not before turning around and grabbing Adam's drink from his hand and taking another swig. "Ugh. Still gross. I'm taking this with me."

"I can always just go get another one," Adam teased. Blue shrugged, bobbing away. "But you won't!" she called out. He hated that she was right. Adam didn't drink to get drunk, and getting another one when he was already almost finished with his first wasn't very appealing.

According to the seating chart Adam was stationed at table three, a solid number he felt. In the past sometimes people placed Adam and Blue at the singles table, awkwardly forced to interact with the other unmarried and uncoupled. By the looks of things Adam wasn't forced at the table this time, familiar with where it was often placed, far from the wedding party's table at the front. At least there was that to be grateful for.

"This seat taken?"

That accent.

"No, no one else has sat down yet. All yours."

And there he was, very much real and sitting close enough to Adam again he could feel himself react to the man's presence with a sharp intake of breath. This was ridiculous. Adam was being _ridiculous_.

"I fucking hate assigned seating," said the man, sinking down in his chair and casually turning one knee into Adam's. Adam hoped he would leave it there. That little touch was enough to sober him. "Feels like I'm in school again."

"My school didn't really have assigned seating," Adam mumbled.

"I wasn't being literal," the man teased.

"Right." In one minute Adam lost all ability to hold a conversation. This was downright foolish. Only ten minutes ago he was chatting up Olly, and now he couldn't look at Blue Eyes without trying to think of what to say. This was comically embarrassing.

"So which one dragged you to the middle of nowhere Maine? Bride or groom?"

"Technically, neither," said Adam, gesturing to Blue who was hunched over in her chair scribbling down on a paper of some sort. Probably her speech. He hoped it was her speech. "I came with one of the bridesmaids, Blue. Orla's her cousin."

"Ah. Your girlfriend?"

Adam reacted with a loud laugh, startling himself and more importantly Blue Eyes, whose very eyes went wide in surprise at his reaction. No one had assumed Blue and Adam were a couple in some time.

"She's my roommate," he said after a while, coughing through the last remnants of laughter in his throat. The alcohol was wearing off quick. "We're just friends."

"I see," said Blue Eyes. "I'm friends with Travis."

"Who?"

"... The groom." Blue Eyes put a hand on Adam's shoulder. "Were you not paying attention during the ceremony?"

"Shut up." Adam gently swiped his hand away, face burning red. He placed a palm over the center of his face, hoping his humiliation wasn't completely obvious. Through the spacing of his fingers he could see Blue Eyes gently snickering.

After a moment, Blue Eyes leaned back into his chair, studying Adam for a length before sighing and flicking a finger at the main table behind him.

"Although I don't think we're staying friends much longer," he said. "He promised I would have 'the time of my life' today if I managed to make this trip for him, and so far he hasn't come through on that promise."

"The night's only just started..." Adam reasoned, shrugging. He couldn't tell if Blue Eyes was flirting, but god he hoped he was.

"That's true. These things usually don't start kicking into gear until the terrible dancing," said Blue Eyes. He turned his entire body towards Adam, resting his arm on the back of his chair, so he could prop his head up with his hand. "I can't wait to see what song those two picked to dance to later. It's almost always a disaster, the dancing and the song combo."

"I've been to a wedding where they danced to 'Thong Song' as their first dance, and it was incredibly painful to watch."

"But you couldn't look away anyway, right?"

"No!" Adam laughed. "You really couldn't look away. It was like watching a car accident in slow motion, knowing it was going to end badly, but I couldn't stop watching."

"Whatever song they choose will be beautiful," came a voice from another part of the table. Through the course of their conversation the table was nearly filled, mostly with old ladies. Adam wondered how it was he ended up at the table for the grandmothers, great aunts, and general old women; mildly grateful he shouldn't have to share Blue Eyes' attention with anyone else.

“Easy for you to say,” said Blue Eyes. “You’ll probably all be asleep by then.”

Adam snorted into his shoulder, struggling not to be desperately obvious how amused he was. This was by far the best wedding Adam had attended in quite some time. The old woman batted her eyes in sheer shock at his comment, but either couldn’t or wouldn’t give him a reply as she simply shut her mouth and turned to the other old women at the table, chatting in hushed tones like at a library.

“I’m Ronan, by the way. Ronan Lynch.”

“Adam Parrish.”

When their hands touched to shake Adam could feel himself waking up as if he had been asleep all this time. Ronan’s grip was strong; hands callused but not like how his were. He wondered what part of this man made him a curmudgeon.

“So where are you from?” asked Ronan.

“New York,” said Adam.

“Really? That’s not a New York accent is it?”

Adam had spent years perfecting an accent that hid his Virginia one, but in five seconds Ronan could see right through it. He shrugged, not wanting to say much else.

“You?” he said instead. “Where are you from?”

“Guess.”

“Hmm.” Adam bit down on his lip to keep from smirking. “Tennessee,” he joked.

“Wow. How did you know? People always say Ireland. You’ve got a real ear for this sort of thing.”

Adam rolled his eyes. “Ha ha,” he said. “What part of Ireland, though?”

“The Aran Islands,” he said. “Very different to here. Small community. You’ve probably never heard of it. Most haven’t."

“That play, ‘The Cripple of Inishmaan’ is set there isn’t it?”

Ronan perked up with a coy smile, impressed. “That’s right. Have you seen the play?”

“I saw it when it was at Broadway, yeah. Although, I didn’t really like it. It was really depressing,” Adam admitted.

“You a fan of clichéd happy endings, then?” Ronan was still smiling, and so was Adam. His jaw was hurting, he wasn’t used to smiling this much. They weren’t even talking about anything of true fascination, yet he couldn’t stop smiling. What was happening? Maybe there was more rum in that rum and coke than he asked for.

“Happy endings can be great,” said Adam. “The real world is sad enough, I don’t like it when the things I read or watch are, too. I admit I’m a sucker for a happy ending.”

People around them were still finding their seats, settling in, getting ready for food and speeches that were to come later. All Adam could focus on was how Ronan sat facing him with his entire body, his head angled a little to the side, and his eyes and mouth incredibly enticing to a point Adam grabbed for his water glass on the table to drink some of it, only to realize they weren’t yet filled.

“That’s embarrassing,” Ronan teased, when Adam put the cup to his lips to find there was nothing inside it. Adam’s face felt hot as he set the cup back down, almost knocking it over by setting it down too close to the edge of the table. Ronan grabbed and caught it before it fell, chuckling as he set it down on the table himself. “That’s really embarrassing.”

“Oh, shut up,” Adam said without any sharpness to his words.

“I would do something to balance the embarrassment, but I don’t think there’s really anything that can top that.”

“Oh my god. I’m switching tables.” He ducked his head as Ronan continued laughing.

“I’ll stop. I’ll stop. I’m sorry.”

Adam felt Ronan’s hand on his knee and he looked down at its placement, then up at Ronan, who looked so casual with the gesture. At this, Adam made a mental note to get Orla and Travis a very nice wedding gift.

"Adam fucking Parrish!” was shouted from behind him and he groaned. "Well damn, how long has it been?"

Adam jerked his head round to see Tad Carruthers coming up from behind him; completely unaware he was even at the ceremony. Before he could say anything Tad sat down on Adam's free side. Suddenly he was in Adam's space, a hand at the back of Adam’s chair. He turned so he could see both him and Ronan relatively easily, a little crestfallen as Ronan’s hand fell off his knee.

"Tad... hi…”

"How have you been?” Tad had a habit of being completely ignorant to other people’s discomfort or lack of interest with him. "It's so good to see you. Oh, who's this? Hi, I'm Tad Carruthers.”

Tad reached over Adam to outstretch a hand to Ronan. It was not returned with either of Ronan’s hands, as Ronan stared at him with a furrowed brow, the surly person Jimi claimed him to be surfacing a little. Adam could tell he was irritated, as well, although he wasn’t quite sure why. He didn’t even try to shake Tad’s hand, which fell awkwardly down.

“Ronan,” was all he said.

“Ronan.” Tad didn’t let his energy dip even a little. “Lovely to meet you. I hope Adam's not talking your ear off here.” He laughed, tugging at one of Adam’s ears, who flinched at the sensation. His hands on approach was always a little too much for Adam to handle. “Just kidding. Adam's not one to talk much. Isn't that right Adam?”

He slapped at Adam’s back. Ronan arched his brow in mild amusement when Adam looked at Tad tiredly, then at Ronan with an eye roll. Adam regretted all the years of being nice to Tad all at once.

“Is that so?” Ronan was suddenly interested in Tad. “Do tell.”

Adam gave Ronan a withering look, incredulous at this peak of intrigue.

Tad started to talk for a bit, although Adam wasn’t sure what he said. He was talking in his deaf ear, and so all Adam could hear was the room around them and Ronan’s grunts in response. That was until Tad tapped Adam on the shoulder, moving to talk at his other ear.

"Can you hear me okay, Adam?” he asked. Adam tensed. He forgot Tad knew about his ear, something he didn’t need Ronan to know about within the first few hours of knowing each other.

"I can hear you fine, Tad,” he said.

"What's going on?” asked Ronan.

"It's nothing.” He gave Ronan a look, pleading him to help spare him of any more Tad. Thankfully Ronan seemed to understand and he inclined his torso forward, his hand briefly slipping onto Adam’s knee again as he talked over the table of old women.

“Tad, we were just in the middle of—"

"Excuse me, young man. Are you even at the right table? What's your name?”

There was another old woman, the last of them it seemed, standing above Ronan’s seat and looking directly at him. He turned his head to her, confused, until she gestured to him again with her pointed eyebrows.

"What table is this?" said Ronan. "Does it matter?"

The old woman gawked in amusing horror, as if the table arrangements were _that_ important in a wedding's success.

"Three!" barked the old lady, pumping her chest out like one of those fish that reacted defensively with widening their girth. "And I would suggest you check which one is yours. I'm not changing tables."

Ronan awkwardly looked between Adam and the old woman, and Adam almost asked him to stay, but then Tad was swooping in past Adam's bad ear and saying something not entirely heard by Adam.

"I'm table five," said Ronan to Tad, and then to the old woman he asked, "You really won't switch?"

"No.”

Ronan looked as if he was ready to pick a fight, tense and jutting out his lower jaw with a lengthy rolling of his eyes. He was visibly exasperated, but then his eyes met with Adam’s again and he sighed, relaxing into the seat. "And they say our generation is selfish," Ronan mused.

At his side, Adam could still feel Tad against him, ignorant of boundaries, hovering like a vulture waiting for his prey to die. Adam was not going to give in, even if Ronan was leaving. It wasn't as if table five was across the planet, just across the room.

"Nice to meet you, Parrish." Ronan's gaze lingered a second. Adam was tempted to ask Tad to switch, but he knew it was impossible. It was also very unsubtle, and Adam still couldn’t be sure if Ronan was flirting or just being friendly. “Tad,” Ronan added, less enthused.

"Nice to meet you!" Tad said energetically in return. Adam offered Ronan a smile before he disappeared, leaving Adam and Tad alone at a table full of old women. Who picked the seating chart, he wondered.

“So, how’s life been treating you these days, Adam?” Tad asked. Adam was resorted to giving him more attention than he wished, the table of old women not exactly an inviting alternative. He sinks a little into his seat as Tad continued flirting. The only upside to having to suffer a conversation with Tad was that it could somehow mutate into a long winded monologue, Tad answering his own questions and always finding a new topic without Adam’s help. Half the time Adam never had to say anything at all, and he said nothing at all now.

As time went on, Tad making it more and more clear he wanted him with his awkward attempts at flirting and his leans into Adam’s chair, Adam’s focus was elsewhere, across the room at different ends. Blue was half asleep at the main table between two other bridesmaids, either tired or bored out of her mind, and Ronan was chatting up several strangers at his table. He looked as at peace there as he did with Adam, and Adam began to wonder if he even was interested at all.

When the speeches came around, Blue’s was awkward but sentimental. Orla hid her face in her hands, highly embarrassed, but at the end of it they hugged and Orla kissed Blue on the cheek. The other speeches were more cardboard than heartfelt, but eventually they led to the dancing, where the real fun was to begin.

Orla and Travis picked an older song for their first dance, and when the song started Adam found himself looking for Ronan. Ronan wasn’t at his table anymore, nor anywhere visible for that matter when Adam perked up in his seat to have a look around. Tad was still talking, about what Adam wasn’t even sure on anymore, and Adam sighed.

“Did you see where Ronan went?” he asked. He barely registered he cut Tad off halfway through a sentence that included the word ‘orange’.

“No,” said Tad, readjusting to Adam talking to him. “Can’t say that I did. Haven’t really been looking for him since he left the table. Did you need him for something?”

“Not really.” Adam sulked. This was annoying. Adam genuinely hated this wedding now. Even when Blue appeared out of the corner of his eye, waddling due to the shape of the dress and the spacing left between tables. She grabbed for Adam’s arm without speaking.

“What’s happening?” he asked, but he was already standing.

“Dancing,” she said.

He tried to sit back down.

“No no no no no,” she said, pulling him up with the use of both her hands. Adam groaned, and Blue gently swatted at his shoulder. “Come on. Come on. You can do it. Dance with me.”

“Fine,” Adam groaned. If only to get away from Tad.

On the dance floor he shuffled his feet a little, moving just enough to assimilate with the others. Blue was giving it her all but was breathless by the second song.

“Do you want me to kick Tad’s ass for you?” she asked, noticing together the way Tad was watching them.

He shook his head, rolling his eyes. “No, he’s harmless,” he said.

“You’re way too nice to him.”

“He’s just lonely.”

Blue touched at Adam’s chest. “This is a safe space,” she said.

Adam looked at her and then sighed, caving. “Okay, yes he's really annoying and invasive but what am I going to do? He's like this at every wedding we're both at.”

"You can tell him you're not interested,” Blue offered.

"I _have_. He doesn't seem to understand."

"I'll make him—“ and Blue started to exit the dance floor, until Adam pulled her back into the dance.

"Hold on…” Adam stopped dancing altogether. The pair of them were standing near the middle of the dance floor now motionless, but no one seemed to mind. “Let’s not get into any brawls at this wedding. It is, after all, your cousin’s."

“So?"

“So, hypothetically it'll be her only one,” said Adam. "Do you want her to remember for years to come you got in a fight at her wedding?”

Blue hesitated to reply. She opened her mouth a few times, looking for an answer. Then she groaned, stomping a foot quietly into the ground.

"You make everything so dull."

"I try.”

He smiled, and then she rolled her eyes and smiled back. After a moment they started dancing again, Adam putting in just a little more energy than before. To balance with Blue’s wild moves.

"So who's the tall one with buzzed hair?”

Adam blushed a little. Blue was quick to notice, poking at his cheek.

"Oh my god, I don't think I've seen you blush before about anyone.”

At this, Adam put a hand on his cheek. "Shut up."

"You've got a little schoolboy crush. This is hilarious."

"Shut _up_ , Blue.” He soured. "I don't have a crush or anything. We were only chatting. Nothing came of it."

"Don't lie to me. I've lived with you for six years now. I know you. This is fun. You're always teasing me about my relationships. Now I can make fun of yours!"

"Please, for the love of God, stop! I will clean your room. I will wash your car—"

"I don't have a car, remember?” Blue paused, smirking. "But I will take you up on that room offer.”

“Deal.”

They shook on it, and then Blue smirked even wider. Adam knew she wanted to say something else, but her room was a mess that Adam tended to clean anyway without any promises, so he knew she wouldn’t risk the offer. But he could see her mind churning away, things wanted to be said, jokes wanted to be had.

 

Instead they resorted to silence again, dancing a few more songs. Orla and Travis had a decent arrangement and variety, and with Blue anything could be found enjoyable. It took for the fourth song for Adam to forget about Ronan, to forget about Tad, to forget about how he still owed the newly married couple a wedding gift. The music was all he focused on, both bad and good, allowing himself to wander from the moment enough he was only thinking about just this. Just Blue and dancing.

But then Blue stopped short in the middle of a rock song and Adam faltered to a stop in turn. “What’s wrong?”

“Tad,” she said through unmoving lips. “Five o’clock.” Adam began to look behind him but Blue put a hand to his. "Don’t turn around. Just walk with me to the bar."

"What good will that do? He has legs. He'll follow us."

“Just-“ Blue groaned. “Come on. Head start. Maybe we can slip out the back and go home."

"There's still plenty of wedding left."

"Yeah, but your guy is leaving."

"Is he?” Adam was lying to himself when he said he didn’t have a crush on Ronan after one night. That words was so middle school, but it fit perfectly with the fluttering feeling in his chest. Crush. Adam turned around to see that Ronan was in fact leaving. Another phone call it seemed.

"Mm, no crush?” Blue teased.

Adam turned back. "Blue, I swear to god I'll drive home without you."

"Bless your heart, that is as empty of a threat as I've ever heard.”

Adam rolled his eyes as they made it to the bar. Olly approached them to take their order as Blue leaned against the wood bar top, elbows propping her up.

"One gin and tonic please,” she said, "and a water for my friend."

"I'm not thirsty,” said Adam.

Blue looked over her shoulder.

"You've been stuck chatting up Tad all night. You need rehydration, believe me."

When they got their drinks, Adam looked to see Tad searching the dance floor for them. They managed to escape just in time. Tad didn’t know when to let something go, and Adam didn’t know how to tell him to leave him alone without sounding like a complete and utter asshole. He took a few sips of his water as Blue sipped some of her drink.

"Man, how is it you always meet people at weddings?” she mused.

"I don't _always_ meet people at weddings. I haven't even met someone at _this_ wedding. We were just chatting."

Blue gave him a knowing look underneath her bangs in need of a haircut. "There was Wren last wedding we went to—"

"She was being very friendly,” Adam reasoned.

"Mm. Then there was Mark at the rehearsal dinner for the Greenmantles."

"Mark's a coworker. We were talking about work."

Again, Blue gave him a look that told him _you’re not fooling anyone_. "You’re either clueless or pretending,” she said. "Do you want to be stuck chatting up Tad forever?"

"He's not.... terrible.” Even as Adam said it he knew he was lying. Tad wasn’t terrible, true, but the idea of ever giving into his advances was not a pleasing one.

"Oh my god.” Blue set down her drink and put both her hands to her face. "Adam, that guy has been staring at you all night and I know you've been staring at him all night too. Go get his number or something."

Adam was stunned she was doing this. Normally she kept her distance from his love life, and he kept a distance from hers. This wasn’t like her at all. Maybe being stuck around Orla and her new husband all night drove Blue to this, or maybe Adam was being that foolish Blue had to be the one to tell him so.

"Now, I know, I'm not one for talking about your love life,” said Blue, as if reading his mind, "but honestly you need a push once in a while. I am pushing. I'll hold off Tad as long as I can."

"I thought you wanted to drive back home tonight?"

Blue rolled her eyes. "For the love of—"

"I'm going. I'm _going_.”

Adam didn’t have to be told again, as he left his drink behind and rushed as naturally as possible toward the exit. Outside it was pitch black and cold, a wind from the sea picking up and sending chills down Adam’s spine. Out here he regretted taking his jacket off sometime during the evening, wishing he had that one extra layer for protection against the cold. He could barely see outside, but in a short distance he could hear him, it quiet enough outside that even a hushed voice was loud alone.

He rounded the corner of the building, seeing Ronan standing with his back to the building and looking out at the beach, phone to his ear. He was standing under a light attached to the building that gave off a small glow.

“No,” he said, mildly irritated. “No. I know it’s late there. Yes, I _know_ but I wanted to check up on--” Ronan turned to notice Adam behind him and he faltered. “Adam, hi.” His voice was gentler, until, “No, not you, Matthew. Is your name Adam? I’ve got to go. Yes, I _know_ I called _you_. Jesus--” He hung up, taking a second to gather himself. “Hi.”

“So, are you secretly married or something?” Adam played it off as a joke, but he wondered that with his luck that was the case here.

Ronan laughed, tucking his phone in his pocket. “My brother,” he said. “I was checking up on things. I’m not usually away this far so it’s a learning process.”

“Does he need you there or something?” he asked.

Ronan could only shrug a little. He didn’t answer, but noted behind Adam with a tilt of his gaze. “I see you've managed to free yourself of that Tad guy,” he said.

“My friend is helping distract him.”

“Oh? Can't just tell him to fuck off huh?”

“Both of you have suggested that,” Adam sighed, “but I just can't find it in me to do that. He's like a gnat, annoying but harmless.”

“You don't swat at gnats?”

“Okay, bad analogy—”

“See, I would've told him to fuck off, but I've been known to not be that nice.” Ronan slithered closer a couple steps, voice getting lower and less clear. Adam's heart was hammering away.

“You seem pretty nice to me,” he said, shooting for casual but sounding like as Blue lovingly put, a schoolboy with a crush.

Ronan snorted. “We've only just met,” he said. “Give it time.”

Adam reached and touched at Ronan's tie. He didn’t even realize he was doing it until he had touched at the tie, holding it delicately between his thumb and forefinger. Silk, he realized. Ronan’s breath hitched, but his eyes remained on Adam’s face, whereas Adam felt he had to hide his by way of letting the shadows cast down onto his face. The tie was nice, and he wondered if he tugged on it would Ronan pull forward.

“Where are you staying, by the way?” Ronan asked.

“I don't really...” Adam let the sentence die off halfway in his throat.

“I'm staying at the little motel up the street.” Ronan’s hand came up beside Adam’s ear, pointing behind him. “The Ease Breeze Lodge. It's a dumb name, but the place seems okay enough.”

“We haven't decided yet if we're staying or not.” Adam didn’t know why he was saying this. “I think Blue wants to drive back to New York tonight.”

“Shame.” Ronan casually touched at Adam's fingers on his tie, tracing the curves of his fingertips. At first Adam thought he was going to push him off but he was just... touching delicately back. They stood like that a while, quiet in the dark. Out here it felt like they were miles and miles away from the rest of the world. If he focused hard enough he could hear only the wind and the ocean, the pulsing beat of the music inside nothing but a dull vibration through the wall.

“What is it that _you_ want?” Ronan’s fingers lightly trailed down to Adam’s wrist.

“Are you offering--?”

“There you are!” Adam dropped Ronan's tie and felt Ronan step back. Tad was shouting around the corner, likely having noticed Adam sticking out the end of the building. “Thought you left the party! Didn't want to say goodbye just yet.” Adam turned to see him coming for him and his mood sank several notches. “You know, I just realized I don't have your number? What are you doing out here by yourself?”

Adam turned to see Ronan disappeared. “I—”

“Not trying to hide from me are you?” Tad said it like it was a joke. Adam rolled his eyes.

“Tad—”

“Did you want to dance?” Tad inquired. Adam’s mood was slowly unwiring, no thanks to Tad who now twice had ruined a perfectly good moment. “I mean, it's terrible music but I've been known to bust some moves on the dance floor.”

“Nobody says that anymore.”

“You're right. Dancing's probably not the best right now. Do you want a drink? Rum and coke right?”

“How did you--? Never mind. Tad, I think Blue and I are going to go home now.”

“Oh.” Tad looked uprooted by this news, for the first time that night a smile not etched on his face. “I’m sorry to hear that. Why so early?”

“It’s not that early,” Adam reasoned.

“But the party’s only just getting started.”

“Goodnight, Tad. I need to go find Blue.”

“I’ll come with you.”

“Tad…” Adam put a hand to his shoulder. “I have to talk to her about something private. Could you not follow me inside?”

“I, uh, sure.”

“Thank you.” Adam breathed, and quickly started back into the restaurant. He put both hands to his face to wake himself up, for a moment having allowed himself to forget where he was and what he was doing. It seemed he and Ronan were not destined to get to know each other, it seemed, and now that Tad interrupted them the second time Adam could feel himself fading.

Blue was with Orla and Travis talking, and when she noticed Adam come back inside alone she gave him a questioning look. He shook his head, as if to say it didn’t pan out. She pouted for him, but then put up a finger telling him to give her a minute.

Adam went back to the table full of old women to say goodbye, where he had left his suit jacket on the back of his chair. It was still there, untouched, and he reached for it as one of the old ladies perked up at his presence.

“Oh, dear! I am _so_ sorry for being rude to your husband earlier,” she said.

“My husband?” Adam faltered. Did she mistake him for someone else?

“Yes, the one we sent away,” said another of the batch, with big spectacles that made her eyes look twice their natural size. “The one with no hair. He came over to explain you've recently married and so that's why you weren't officially sat at the same table! You should've said something!”

“I—” Adam didn’t know what to say. Ronan was playing a dirty trick on them all, including him.

“Now I have the mind to tell that mousy one to keep his hands to himself. Bothering you _all_ night.”

Adam tried his best not to laugh. “Mmhm.”

“He said to tell you he's called it a night early,” said a third one, “and to tell you your room's 12 at the ease breeze lodge.”

“Said you're forgetful sometimes,” said the first.

“Yes, that's me. Forgetful. Almost forgot I was married.”

All the old ladies laughed. Adam put his coat back on slowly, letting this sink in. Ronan didn’t want the night to end, either. Somewhere where Tad wouldn’t interrupt (well, one could hope).

“Thank you for letting me know,” said Adam. He was smiling again. “I'm going to call it a night too. Goodnight, ladies.”

“Goodnight, dear! Congratulations on the nuptials!”

Blue was behind him when he turned to leave.

“Nuptials, huh? Did I miss something?” She placed her hands across her chest, and Adam was quick to guide her away from the table.

“Do you mind if we stayed the night here?” he asked.

“Adam, I sort of figured that was the plan hours ago,” she said. “I'm staying with the other bridesmaids. You go do whatever it is you're about to do. Hopefully not with Tad.”

Adam kissed Blue on the cheek and gave her the keys.

“Your clothes are still in the car,” he said.

“Right.” Blue handled them delicately in one hand. “See you in the morning I guess? This is weird. We’ve never done this before.”

“See you in the morning,” Adam mirrored.

 

~~~

The Ease Breeze Lodge was small, only two stories, and it was painfully easy to find room 12. His nerves kicked in as he knocked, suddenly wondering what it was he was doing. He hesitated to stay, thinking of leaving, when the door opened and there was Ronan, blue eyed and beautiful.

“I wasn’t sure if I had the right room or…” Adam watched as Ronan turned to give space in the doorway.

“Did you get lost or something?”

“Patience is a virtue.”

“Okay, grandma,” Ronan called out, as Adam slipped in past him into the room. This was not where he expected the night to go, but he wasn’t complaining. Ronan sighed as he shut the door, to which Adam smiled.

“Finally,” Ronan said earnestly. “No chance of interruption here.”

“Oh, see, I thought this was a party,” Adam said. “I invited Tad up here to join us later and several of the bridesmaids.”

Ronan laughed and put a hand on Adam's shoulder. “Asshole,” he said endearingly. Adam was already smitten it was annoying. When the laughter died down, they were both fully aware they were alone. In a hotel room. With a large bed beside them. It was a lot to take in.

“So…” Adam was at a loss for words.

“So.” Ronan folded his arms over his chest. “I've never been to an American wedding before.”

“Is that so?” Adam shouldn’t have been surprised. Not everywhere was the same. “Did you like it?”

“It was quieter than I'm used to,” said Ronan. “Some traditions are different. An Irish wedding would never have the drinks be already bought and paid for though. We would drink the couple dry.”

“Mm, well not all weddings come with free booze, although I wish they did.” Adam wasn’t sure why he said that. He was nervous.

Ronan smiled. Adam’s nerves kicked up a notch.

“Do you drink a lot?” Adam asked. This was painful to watch he wanted to just shut his eyes and take Ronan’s face in his hands and kiss him, not talk about alcohol.

“I used to,” Ronan admitted. “Not anymore. Do you?”

“One drink once in a long while. Nothing massive.”

Ronan nodded along as he talked, and then sat down on the bed. Suddenly Adam was the taller one, towering over him in fact the bed didn’t offer much for height. This new angle was interesting, Adam able to move into Ronan. When Ronan didn’t protest, Adam somehow slipped between his legs enough, and he reached down to touch at his tie again.

“What's different about an Irish wedding?” he asked.

“Well,” Ronan looked up pensively, “for one, during the ceremony the couple's hands are usually tied together with rope, symbolizing the joining of the two.” To demonstrate, he undid his tie, leaving his collar slightly undone. His collarbone was visible and Adam gulped. He remained still as Ronan wrapped the tie loosely around Adam’s wrists. “You get the idea.”

“Ah, tying the knot.” Adam leaned in a little more. “I always wondered where that came from.”

“You can thank the Irish for that,” said Ronan. “Another thing we do is sometimes wear kilts instead of a suit and tie.”

“You're joking. I thought that didn't happen anymore.”

“I wish I was joking. My brother wore one to his. It was incredibly unflattering.”

“Did you have to wear one?”

Ronan said nothing, but the tips of his ears went a little bit pink.

“You did, didn't you?” Adam laughed. “Oh, I wish I could've seen that.”

“No, no.” Ronan shook his head, and the tie fell off Adam’s wrists to the ground. “That is a day that will never be revisited. I've destroyed all photographic proof. No one will ever see me in one again.”

“Oh come on.” Adam pushed at Ronan’s shoulder a little. “I'm sure you looked fine. You don't have bad legs from what I can tell.” His eyes lingered at them, long and stretched out on either side of him.

Ronan snorted. “Thanks.”

Adam didn't really know what else to say. There wasn’t much else he wanted _to_ say. Not now, anyway. He leaned in quick and kissed Ronan instead. Enough of the chatter, he thought. This was something else he came here for, hungry for him. Ronan slowly reached up to touch at Adam's neck, and he made a soft sound against the kiss. Adam was content with this.

“Do you know how to play the bagpipes as well?” he found himself asking when they paused for breath.

Ronan smirked. “Fucking Americans and their obsession with bagpipes.”

“Yes, well, it's nice to know if you can blow.”

Ronan cackled. Adam flushed instantly.

“Did you - did you really just say that?”

“No. Shut up. You started it, with talk of kilts.” Adam ducked his head.

“No, I didn't.”

“I- Whatever.”

Adam pulled back out of their space, but Ronan tugged a little on his tie, drawing him back in. He was still snickering, until their eyes met and then he nudged at Adam’s chin with his nose.

“Come here.”

Adam tilted back into him, and Ronan kissed him again. This time wasn’t so soft and chaste, Ronan helping move Adam out of his jacket, and then Adam doing the same for Ronan. Together they lay back onto the bed, Ronan guiding Adam down with him. Adam took what he wanted and let Ronan do the same, Adam’s hands at Ronan’s shirt, undoing several of the buttons so he could feel around at his skin. It was smooth and warm, and upon first touch reacted in shock to Adam’s cold hands.

“Sorry.”

“ ‘S Whatever,” Ronan mumbled, taking Adam’s lower lip in between his teeth.

The kissing became more ragged and Ronan moved to let his hands wander around Adam’s body, holding at his hips a length before taking one of Adam’s hands to his mouth. He kissed at Adam’s fingers, so gentle and sweet. Adam’s heart stuttered. He wasn't used to this sweet slow, even as Ronan revved up the action a little with his mouth hot on Adam's neck. He could feel Ronan’s stubble rubbing against his skin, but he didn’t care. He sighed, letting himself fully emerge himself into the moment.

But his mind had other plans.

“What else is different about Irish weddings?” Adam breathed, eyes drifting shut.

Ronan paused at Adam's neck. Adam felt he ruined it. There was shaking, and nothing was said, until Adam realized Ronan was laughing against his shoulder.

“What’s so funny?”

“You,” Ronan gasped. “Are you genuinely fascinated or?”

“No, I am. I want to know. I like learning.”

Ronan looked up at him, and then gently touched at Adam's lips. They were lying down facing each other, limbs tangled, Adam’s hair probably a mess, their shirts half off. Adam stole another kiss, brief and sweet.

“Well, there's a few more differences,” Ronan said softly. “One is, during the honeymoon the entire family comes into the room to make sure the marriage is consummated. They all stand round the bed and watch the whole thing. Otherwise the marriage is annulled.”

“Okay now you're just fucking with me,” Adam groaned, rolling his eyes.

Ronan snickered against his neck, the feeling of which tickled. “Just a little,” he said, gesturing with one hand. “It's not that big a difference, really. Minor things that not even every Irish wedding have anymore.”

“That's a shame.”

“Is ait an mac an saol,” Ronan muttered.

“Fuck.” Adam was admittedly aroused. “Was that Gaelic?”

Ronan shrugged. He didn’t seem to find what he said all that impressive.

“What's it mean?” Adam said, poking at his chest.

Ronan kissed him before he could figure it out, silencing him once again. Adam tried to memorize what was said so he could search the phrase later. _Is ait an mac an saol_. He loved languages, wishing he could learn them all, but his thought process on this was cut short as one of Ronan’s hands began touching at his chest. Undoing the first couple buttons, Ronan’s fingers delicately touched at his skin. He hoped he couldn’t feel his racing heart underneath his ribcage, but he probably could, giving it away how much he wanted this.

Taking it a step further, Adam’s hand reached down Ronan’s chest, slipping inside his shirt and then out. His fingers hesitated at Ronan’s waist where he wasn’t wearing a belt. His fingers nimbly undid the zip and the button, but not before feeling at Ronan’s crotch through his pants. Ronan grunted into the kiss, reacting with his whole body, tilting into Adam’s hand almost like a kneejerk reaction. His hand slipped inside Ronan’s slacks, but was quickly brought back out, Ronan interlacing their fingers and resting their hands at his hip.

“We’re not going to have sex,” he said.

“Oh.” Adam blinked, pausing the kiss. “Uh, that's totally fine. I just assumed—”

“I'm not the sort of person who hooks up with people at weddings.”

“Do you think I am?” Adam said, charged with annoyance.

“No,” Ronan said soothingly, quick to react. “But I wasn't sure if that's what you thought of me.”

“I didn't assume anything like that.” Adam could feel himself growing bitter. Adam didn’t like being judged, but he also didn’t like people assuming he judged them back. “I just assumed inviting me up to your hotel room like this, there was something unsaid here.”

“This does come off a bit misleading, doesn't it?” Ronan hesitated, but he didn’t move away from Adam, and Adam was unsure if he should move away. “I'm sorry.”

Adam pinched the bridge of his nose. “No, don’t. _I’m_ sorry.” He didn’t want Ronan to be apologetic. “I should’ve asked.”

“I should’ve said something.”

They were at a standstill, lying there facing each other. Adam’s one hand was still connected with Ronan’s. He could feel his pulse through his wrist.

“If I may ask,” he said, trying not to sound as embarrassed as he felt, “why don’t you want to have sex?”

“You want me that badly, Parrish?”

“Shut up.” He laughed, and could feel his body untensing, the moment becoming less uncomfortable.

Ronan smiled back, then nervously his other hand fidgeted at Adam's stomach. The buttons on his shirt were being undone and then redone, Ronan’s sole focus on the act.

“I wasn't expecting to meet anyone at this,” he said, quiet, like he didn’t want to confess this. “I came for Travis. He's a good guy and all that, and he thinks this'll last so I humored him.”

Adam tilted into him, his forehead brushing against Ronan’s.

“That didn't really answer the question,” he said.

“I don't exactly have an answer to give you,” said Ronan. “We just met. We're having a nice time. I don't put out without dinner first,” he added as a light joke.

Adam snorted. “I could buy you dinner, you know.”

“Oh, I'm sure you can, Parrish.” His fingers stopped at the last button on Adam’s shirt. “A little late for that tonight, isn't it?”

Adam touched at Ronan's collar, messy and open. A little of his back tattoo was visible at his neck. It was doing things to him he didn’t think the sight of a tattoo ever could.

“Do you want me to go?” Adam asked.

“I never said that.”

And Adam didn’t want to go, either. He wanted to stay. Maybe a little too much for his own liking, though he wouldn’t say it aloud. Taking a moment, he spread open Ronan’s shirt collar a little wider, noticing another tattoo on his chest. A gemstone of some sort, shimmery against his skin.

“Tell me about Ireland,” he said. “About you.”

And they talked all night. About Ireland. About Virginia. About their jobs - Adam being an engineer, Ronan owning a brewery and a farm in Ireland. About nothing and everything. Constantly interrupted by the urge to kiss until eventually there was no more talking, and then no more kissing. Just lying there feeling the weight of the other in the bed.

Adam didn't remember when he fell asleep but obviously at some point he had. When he woke up it was from movement in the bed. He opened his eyes to see Ronan fixing his clothes and putting on his shoes.

“Something I said?” He sat up.

Ronan turned his head. It was visible on his face he did not intend for Adam to wake up. “Oh, hi. Morning.”

It was early and bright, even with the curtains drawn. Adam covered part of his face, taking in the view of Ronan fully dressed. A shame.

“You know, the sneaking out in the morning thing usually works better when it's not out of your own hotel room,” he said jokingly.

“I have a flight to catch.” Ronan didn’t seem very amused.

“To where?”

“Home. Ireland.”

“Oh.”

Ronan seemed to sense Adam’s acknowledgement of what that meant. He rested one knee on the bed to lean down into Adam, kissing him. The truth of this moment was revealed when they pulled apart. Adam didn’t want him to go.

“It was… really nice to meet you, Adam Parrish,” he said, stealing another kiss, smaller and less passionate. “Goodbye.”

Ronan pulled from the bed and finished putting on his jacket, searching around the room for anything he may have missed.

“Just like that, huh?” he said, dumbfounded. “Not even going to give me your number or anything?”

“Don't do that.” Ronan frowned. “We both know how this'll turn out. Living across the globe like we do. Best we stop while we're ahead. I was hoping you wouldn't wake up until I was gone for this very reason.”

“That's really shitty.”

Ronan shrugged then looked at his watch. “I have to go.”

Adam didn't know what to say. He didn’t want to say out loud _This could one of those clichéd happy endings. This could be something great. I like you._

Ronan leaned back down, now from the other side of the bed closer to the door. He placed a hand on Adam’s cheek, thumb rubbing circles in Adam’s skin. “In another life, maybe,” he said.

He kissed him one more time and then he was gone. Adam felt strange. Lonely. Lonelier than he felt even twenty-four hours ago. There was a reason he didn’t put himself out there as often as his friends wanted him to. This ache.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi welcome this chapter is literally the first wedding from four weddings and a funeral.
> 
> hopefully this isn't too ooc! thanks for reading! <3
> 
> i know i still haven't finished my camp au lol. OOPS. i will finish that one don't worry (to anyone who is reading it)
> 
> if you've read my camp au you'll learn i write long chapters.


	2. The Wedding of Henry Cheng

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I can’t believe you’re here.” Adam stepped closer, almost as if to inspect he wasn’t some form of wedding hallucination. Ronan looked to notice the move, his eyes drifting downward, taking in Adam as much as Adam was taking him in.
> 
> “I am,” he said.
> 
> “How?”
> 
> “I flew,” said Ronan. “That’s usually how one crosses the ocean.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is so long I’m so sorry (but you will ~hopefully~ not be disappointed wink wink)

Adam never was so grateful before for having a busy and full life. He spent every day trying to remove Ronan Lynch out of his mind, trying to forget him. Work helped, but his friends didn't, as he made the mistake of telling his friends a few nights after the wedding all about the Irishman, when they all met up for drinks.

Blue managed to keep a tight lip on everything, but with the heat of the bar and the anger he still felt for the way Ronan left, he put all his cards on the table and for once told his friends every minute detail about something personal and private.

Noah reacted as he always did, trying to spin it and make a joke out of it to lighten the mood, but it wasn’t something that could be lessened in any way, and Blue nudged him quiet. Henry gently patted at Adam's shoulder, and then suggested maybe he could find someone else, someone better, at his and Henry B.’s wedding. Henry B. nodded in agreement and then quickly changed subjects when it was clear Adam wanted it to be changed. 

They did not know how to comfort their friend, something they didn't really have to do before. Adam was always so self reliant they clearly didn't think he could get hurt, and to be honest Adam didn’t think he could get hurt anymore either, but here he was feeling bitter and frustrated and a little bit sad if truth be told. Only a little. But he wouldn't blame his friends for not knowing what to say, for he did not know either. It was an impossible and new situation, and he couldn’t wait until he stopped thinking about Ronan Lynch for good.

Three months went by since Orla’s wedding, life moving pretty fast. Luckily being a groomsman in Henry and Henry's wedding served as a perfect distraction, helping the Henrys in any way he could with the wedding when he wasn't busy with work. Anything to preoccupy his mind. And it worked, for the most part. That ache slowly dissipated, the memory of Ronan feeling distant and unclear. Three months was a long time when there was so much filled in between.

It was mid August and humid as ever in New York City, and once again Adam's alarm clock was broken.

"Blue!" Adam burst into Blue's room in a panic, feeling déjà vu from all of this. His alarm clock clearly hated weddings more than him, trying to save him from attending, but unfortunately one of his best friends was getting married today and he had to go. "Blue!"

She was dead weight in the center of her bed, the covers a pile on the floor. He shook her but she did not budge.

"Blue, we're late again."

"Five more minutes, Mom."

Adam yanked on her arm. "You _wish_ I was your mom. Come on. We're going to be late, and you know how much Henry hates being late!"

Blue groaned, pulling back. "Noooo.... No, it's too early."

It was, in fact, noon. Granted, however, Henry and Blue did go out clubbing and drinking last night as their own makeshift bachelor party. She was probably hungover and exhausted, but she was the one who initially suggested Henry needed to let off a little steam one last time as a single man, so really she had no one to blame but herself.

"Blue, if you don't get up in five seconds I'm getting the bucket."

"You wouldn't," she mumbled into the mattress.

Adam would. He went back into the kitchen, grabbed the bucket under the sink, and filled it up enough with cold water. Blue was still in the same position as before when he came back into her room and he stood over her, making sure her phone wasn't in the splash zone.

"You have three seconds, Blue. Come on. For Henry."

"Fucking let me sleep, man!" Blue reached for something to cover her face, but everything had been kicked or thrown off sometime last night. "No."

"Three. Two. One. Okay, Blue. Time to wake up."

He dunked the water on her just enough to let the chill of it catch at her back. Blue was up before Adam could finish dumping the whole thing, her wet hair sticking to one side of her face. She looked downright pissed, but he snickered anyway.

"You asked for it," he said.

"You need a new alarm clock! I'm going to kill you!"

Adam dropped the bucket, running out of Blue's room laughing as she chased after him.

"Get a new alarm clock!" she shouted.

"Use your phone!"

"I always turn off my alarm even when I'm dead asleep! I can't be responsible for an alarm!"

"Then you get the bucket!"

 

\--

 

Somehow with all this they still made it with plenty of time to spare, allowing both Adam and Blue to change at the venue in a comfortable pace. Blue and Noah were also in the wedding party, Noah in Broadway’s and Blue and Adam both in Cheng's.

The wedding was taking place at The Plaza on Fifth Avenue, perhaps the most expensive place to get married in all of New York City. Henry wanted to do his wedding right. "It only happens once!" he said. It was easy for them both to fill the place, almost 400 people in attendance, both energetic and likeable young men. Adam was excited to see his friends finally get married, the only wedding so far he was happy to attend.

"Hey, you almost ready?" he asked, when he found the room Henry was using to change in the back. The wedding was supposed to start soon, everyone filing in from outside, filling the large ceremony area where it was dressed in decorations that screamed Henry Cheng. It was beautiful and elaborate, but Henry was about to miss it if he took any longer.

Adam opened the door to find him sitting there in front of a mirror, staring at himself with a look Adam knew well. He hadn't changed, hadn't done anything to his hair, and the hangover was sitting visibly on his drawn face.

"Oh, no," Adam said.

Henry whirled around to look at him. "I can't do it."

"That's the hangover talking, I hope."

Henry touched at his stomach. "Don't remind me of that," he said. "You go marry Cheng Two for me."

"You know, I still don't understand that nickname." When Henry did nothing but glare at him, Adam let the door shut behind him and came further into the room. Blue was better at this than he was, talking people up, giving rousing speeches of love and labor. But she was probably asleep somewhere waiting for the ceremony to start, and Noah was dealing with the other groom that hopefully didn't have cold feet too.

"Listen," and Adam put a hand on Henry's shoulder. "You spent a fortune on this wedding and you have four hundred people out there waiting for you."

Henry said something in Korean and waved him off. Adam sighed. He could understand the gist of it as Henry turned to stare at his own reflection, upset.

"Okay, I get it. If you really don't want to get married, that shouldn't matter. My point, I guess, is you should be really sure you're not just nervous. You love Henry. You've been planning your wedding together practically since you started dating. What's changed?"

"I don't know." Henry dropped his head down into his hands. "I'm scared," he slurred. It was then Adam realized he was still drunk, not hungover. "I spent too much money on this wedding, people probably think it's tacky! Am I tacky!"

"Henry...." Adam leaned into him and tilted down so he could be visible in the mirror's reflection above Henry's head. "Henry, look at me."

It took some goading, some gentle squeezes on Henry's shoulders, for him to look up. Adam rested his head on Henry's shoulder, hoping the eye contact without true direct eye contact would work for Henry.

"You planned this wedding out to be special," he said. "Fuck what anyone else thinks. This is your day. For you."

"But--"

"Do you love him?" he asked.

Henry nodded slowly. "I do," he said.

"Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him?"

"I _do_."

"Then go get married for god's sake," said Adam, squeezing Henry's shoulders one more time. "You're practically married already."

"Yes!" Henry stood up immediately. Then he grimaced. "Oh, no." And he sat back down. "Adam, we're about to hit a new stage in our friendship right now. Get me a trash can."

 

\--

 

Despite the initial hiccups, Henry Cheng and Henry Broadway were married by the evening, and all things considered it was a great ceremony. While Cheng may have made a few stumbles at the beginning, both literally and figuratively, he managed to get it together halfway through and even managed to steal a very lengthy, emotional kiss from Broadway when it was over.

Blue, once again, cried into her bouquet, and Noah cried too, but all Adam could think about was that he wasn't sure if he would ever get this. Things like this were never on his mind before, and one night with a complete stranger and he had thoughts of grandeur. It wasn't fair.

"Time to get drunk!" Blue exclaimed when people started parting ways to the bar. Several people turned their heads in surprise at her boisterous voice and energy. Clearly someone snuck her coffee before the ceremony started, Adam noted.

"Blue, haven't you had enough to drink?” came Orla, approaching the group alone. This was the first time since she married Travis that he wasn’t trailing her.

“I just lost two of my friends today,” Blue reasoned. “I only have two friends left who aren't married, Orla, let me mourn the loss.”

Henry appeared between Noah and Adam to point at Blue. “Hey, we aren’t dead,” he made clear.

“No, but now you’re going to hang out with your couple friends and do couple activities,” she said.

“Oh, barf,” said Henry B. “You don’t know us at all, do you?”

“You’re about to get body snatched,” said Blue. “It always happens. There’s no escape. You wait. I’ve already lost Orla and it’s only been three months.”

Orla frowned at her cousin. “I’m not a boring married person!” she exclaimed.

“You are,” said Blue with a shrug. “Just a little.”

“Take that back!” Orla swatted at Blue with her clutch.

“No,” Blue winced, getting slapped again with the bag. “You went on a cruise last month. You go to brunch!”

Both Henrys were shaking their heads. “Brunch is actually really fun,” said Cheng. “It’s an excuse to drink in the morning.”

Blue gasped dramatically. Now Adam wondered if maybe someone snuck her more booze and not coffee. Weddings were an excuse for her to drink as much as they were for him, but she took it more to heart than he did, and especially now that Henry and Henry were the ones getting married. It was one thing watching your cousin get married, your coworker, your old friend from high school, but it was another thing entirely when a best friend was now a _married_ best friend.

“I’ve already lost them,” Blue said with a melodramatic sigh. She then turned to Noah, a hand at his cheek. “Noah, don’t get married.”

“Why am I being singled out?” He looked around the circle. “What about Adam? Why don’t you ask him not to get married?”

“Oh, because we all know Adam’s never getting married,” she said.

That stung a little. No, Adam deserved to be honest. That stung a lot, enough to churn his stomach into knots. Blue seemed to realize her mistake as soon as it came out and she stepped toward him. “Shit, Adam–”

He sunk a step back. “I’m going to get everyone drinks,” he said, looking at everyone but Blue. “Noah? Orla?”

“Champagne, please,” said Orla, smiling brightly. Orla probably didn’t even notice it was an insult, which Adam admired a little. He wished he hadn’t heard it at all. “Ooh, with a fruit if they’ve got any.”

“I’ll take a beer,” Noah said, awkwardly looking between Blue and Adam, him and both Henrys waiting to see what would happen next.

“Great.” Adam stepped away more. “I’ll be right back.”

“Adam–”

“Gin and tonic,” Adam said, cutting her off. “I know, Blue.”

“No.” Blue followed Adam a few feet away from the rest of their friends, enough space they couldn’t easily eavesdrop. She turned him round at the wrist, holding his hand so he couldn’t walk off so easily.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “That was a mean thing for me to say,” she said. “There’s no excuse.”

“It was,” he said with a shrug, “but I’m moving past it, okay? I want to move past it. I don’t want to take those sort of things to heart.”

“I’m still sorry,” and she squeezed his hand, and then grabbed for his other one to squeeze that one as well. “I was wrong, though. You are getting married one day, no matter what. To me, remember?” She gave him a wink and he acknowledged it with a slight shake of his head. “If we’re both forty and unmarried we marry each other,” she reminded him.

“That wasn’t legally binding.”

Blue rolled her eyes. “Oh, please. I know that.”

“We made that rule when we were eighteen,” he said. “At the time it was funny. Now I look at myself and wonder—”

“Don’t.” Blue placed her hands on either side of his face, now squeezing his cheeks instead. The height difference between them forced him to tilt down a bit into her, and her to stand on her toes. “You’re handsome.”

“I know that.”

“You’re lovable.”

“I know that already, too.”

“I snuck a shot before the ceremony.”

“Ah ha!”

They broke apart with small laughter, eased back into their natural ways. He could recount when their fights were a lot less simplified.

“So don’t listen to what I say,” she said. “Except, you know, the you being handsome and lovable part. Listen to that.”

“I know I don’t need to get married or to fall in love to be happy,” said Adam. Blue nodded, agreeing with him. “I’m happy.”

“But sometimes you start to wonder, why does everyone else seem a little bit happier?”

Adam sighed. “Maybe? I don’t know.”

Blue frowned and touched his cheek, a gentler act than before. “That asshole did a number on you, didn’t he?”

None of them had managed to bring Ronan up in months, and just the mention of him was enough to threaten Adam’s mood all over again. Blue noticed Adam flinch and her hand fell, pulled into the spacing under her arm, awkwardly holding herself.

“I hate weddings,” she groaned. “They give us such existential crises.”

“They do,” Adam agreed. He lingered a few moments longer in case there was anything else left to be said, but when it appeared there wouldn’t be he started towards the bar again.

“Get me a water instead, yeah?” Blue asked after him. “I shouldn’t drink any more tonight. I’ve had enough.”

“You got it.”

There wasn’t much of a line at the bar as of yet, which was good. A few people were ahead of Adam, and none of them seemed to be ordering anything extensive or complicated, but the wait allowed Adam the chance to overanalyze Blue’s comment even more. His mind never stopped working, and though it was years since he last had these thoughts they never really went away. That feeling that he was unlovable, when he knew that he was. He knew he deserved love, to be loved, to feel it. But watching all your friends and acquaintances slowly get married one by one all around you, and the last serious relationship you had was in high school, you begin to question these things again. Adam fiddled with his tie as way of distracting his mind. He was only twenty-four. Not everyone is as lucky as Henry and Henry at finding their big love at twenty-four. This midlife crisis was coming a quarter early into his life and he wasn’t having it.

“Hi,” said the bartender, reminding Adam where it was he was and what it was he was doing. “What can I get you?”

“Hi. A water, whatever beer you have on tap, a flute of champagne with fruit if you have it, and a rum and coke please. Thank you.”

“That’s a little much so early in the night, don’t you think?” someone said behind him. “You should pace yourself.”

Adam stilled, his chest aching as if his heart was trying to make a run for it through his ribcage. After the bartender looked away to start on his drinks Adam felt he had no choice but to turn around. Slowly he took in the sight of Ronan Lynch, again in a dark colored suit with that same blue fucking tie. His hair was a little grown in, but still incredibly short against his scalp. If there was a god, they sure had a real dark sense of humor.

“Hello, Parrish.” Ronan was smiling. “Nice to see you.”

“Fuck.” Adam uttered it without any filter, his nerves rattling him down to a mumbling fool. “Hi. You’re here. How do you-? When did you-?”

This was more embarrassing than the first time and he put a hand to his face, blushing bright red, which matched his red tie no doubt. He laughed, trying to laugh off the humiliation and discomfort, and Ronan helped ease that with a little laugh of his own. His common sense told him he should still be mad at him, but one look at Ronan and he felt drawn to him like before. His eyes were bluer than he remembered, or maybe that was due to the lighting in the reception hall. Either way, he was weakened.

“Finish one thought at a time, Parrish,” said Ronan.

“I can’t believe you’re here.” Adam stepped closer, almost as if to inspect he wasn’t some form of wedding hallucination. Ronan looked to notice the move, his eyes drifting downward, taking in Adam as much as Adam was taking him in.

“I am,” he said.

“How?”

“I flew,” said Ronan. “That’s usually how one crosses the ocean.”

His jokes were something Adam certainly did not forget, and he pushed lightly at Ronan’s shoulder, enough to get contact with his suit jacket. It was entirely possible Adam was grateful to see him here, overjoyed at a second chance at whatever it was they started in Maine. His lips twitched when Ronan’s eyes met his, and briefly he forgot about everything else. “Seriously,” he said. “You made it out like you were never coming back to the states again.”

Suddenly an apprehensive look flitted across his face like this was something he didn’t want to confess. “I was persuaded,” he said.

Another young man stepped in beside him, who Adam had not noticed was standing near them before until there he was. He was neat looking, precise and pristine, from his hair combed back, down to his shiny leather dress shoes. Money was written all over him, from his million dollar straight smile to his designer thin-rimmed glasses. Who was he?

“Is this my time to enter the conversation or…?” he said, looking between Ronan and Adam, searching for either of them to speak. One of Ronan’s hands came up to rest at the small of the man’s back, giving him a short slap of a welcome. His heart stalled.

“Fuck, Gansey,” Ronan said, his surprise thinly veiled, but no hint of irritation or disinterest. “Do you have any patience?”

This Gansey fellow tilted one eyebrow up at Ronan and smirked. “You’re one to talk, Ronan,” he said, chiding him playfully. Adam could feel his throat closing. “Introduce us,” Gansey directed, now giving his full attention to Adam, and Adam didn’t want it. He seemed nice, but all too familiar with Ronan that his thoughts were suddenly clouded with questions.

Was this why Ronan didn’t want his number? Was this why he left like he did? Was Gansey his--?

“Parrish,” and Ronan’s voice brought him back to the present, his blue eyes lingering on him as he gestured at the air between him and Gansey, “this is Richard Gansey–”

“The third,” Gansey interjected. “But you can call me Gansey. Charmed as ever. Parrish, is it?”

“Adam,” Ronan corrected.

This was the worst.

Before Adam could realize what was happening, Gansey was shaking Adam’s hand, smiling and thoughtful and nice. The _worst_ , Adam confirmed.

“Lovely,” he said. “I’ve heard so much about you.”

“Really?” His eyes caught Ronan’s as he was still shaking Gansey’s hand, a firm grip, but Adam’s pang of jealousy convinced him to grip hard back. Ronan shook his head no to answer Adam’s question, which admittedly had Adam oddly relieved. Gansey simply was just that sort of person who tried to make someone feel important, and it would’ve worked if the things Ronan would’ve shared did not solely involve meeting Adam at another wedding and making out heavily for hours.

When Gansey let go he flexed his hand a little, enough Adam felt a small bit of pride in the worst way. He wasn’t annoyed at Gansey, it was Ronan he was annoyed with, and he was starting to recollect how upset he was before.

“So are you just here for the wedding?” Adam looked to Ronan, trying not to sound as upset as he was. He should’ve been talking to Gansey, he knew, but all the questions he had in mind to ask him were ones he did not want the answers to.

Ronan opened his mouth to speak, but was briskly cut off before he could.

“Sadly, yes,” said Gansey. “His visit is once again minimal. I’ve been trying to get him to move to the states for _years_.”

“Oh?”

“It’s never going to happen, Gansey,” Ronan said with a shake of his head. Everything he was doing was screaming his discomfort with the subject, but Gansey prodded on.

“Ah, I wish it would,” he said. “America could use some of your Irish charm.”

Ronan laughed at that. “You’re not wrong there.”

Then Adam watched as Gansey placed a hand on Ronan’s shoulder, gripping it tight. He could be reading into the gesture, or he couldn’t be, but it didn’t really matter either way. Ronan was smiling at Gansey a lot like how he smiled at him, and Gansey was smiling back. A spike of jealousy rippled through him.

“Oh, you would love it here,” Gansey went on. “Don’t deny you’ve had inklings to stay.”

Again, Ronan looked uncomfortable. Fleetingly his eyes darted to Adam and he shrugged feebly. Gansey shook him at his shoulder a little.

“You said you had a nice time last visit.”

Adam wondered if that visit correlated to when they met or another time. This was ridiculous.

“Come on,” said Gansey. “Move here. We could go on adventures like old times! It’s not the same at your farm.”

“What adventures were those?” Ronan asked, his interest peaked. “You running around museums and historical sites and thinking that was fun?”

“Yes, well, more fun than chasing a bunch of sheep around all day,” Gansey said, teasing back.

“It’s my job,” Ronan replied.

It was then Gansey must have realized Adam was still there, awkwardly debating between leaving or joining in, and he put a hand over his mouth. “Shoot,” he said. “We’re being so rude! Sorry, Adam. I have to take any chance I can get to try and persuade him to stay in the states.”

“No problem.” There was a problem. Adam was looking at Ronan, and Ronan was looking at Gansey, and Gansey was looking who even knew because Adam was, as already stated, looking at Ronan. He wanted to make a break for it as soon as politely possible.

“Well, I’m going to go find the happy couple and wish them congratulations,” Gansey said, moving enough into Adam’s peripheral vision he gave him one last glance. “Lovely to meet you, Adam,” he said, reaching to shake Adam’s hand again. Adam was gentler this time.

“You too.”

Then there were two. With Gansey gone Ronan gave him his sole focus again, and it was impossible to avoid feeling… Well he wasn’t entirely sure what he was feeling. A clusterfuck of emotions that’s what, and he wasn’t having any of it. He was becoming undone, Ronan’s presence pulling at a loose thread and not letting go until he was nothing but a pile at their feet.

“You know–” Ronan started.

“I should go, too.” Adam was quicker on his feet than Ronan, and he turned to grab for his drinks. They must have been sitting there on the table a while, the ice in both his rum and coke and Blue’s water mostly gone. Before he had them safely in his hands, Ronan gently touched at his arm, halting him.

“Can I find you later?”

“For what?” Adam wanted this to be over already.

“To talk…?” Ronan sounded unsure of Adam’s tone and demeanor, his brow a little folded when Adam risked a look at him.

“We don’t need to talk, Lynch,” said Adam, and he wore a smile effortlessly in place of what he really wanted to express. “You should get back to your boyfriend. He seems nice.”

Ronan’s brow folded even more. “Adam–”

“I’ve got to get these to my friends,” and Adam grabbed all four drinks at once, a balancing act he was practiced in. “Good seeing you.”

He walked away before Ronan could protest, before he could steal another glance his way, before the moment could fall into another. Adam didn’t know why he was so jittery, perhaps because he wanted it to be official that the guy he was unfortunately mooning over the past three months was in fact with someone else now.

His friends were waiting for him in a different place than where he left them, sans the happy couple that was now being paraded around by their mothers to every single guest.

“About time!” Noah excitedly took his drink first, taking a swig of it before the others even managed to receive theirs.

“They’re about to seat us, I think, but we have to wait until they’ve said hi to all the relatives that aren’t staying.” Blue took her drink next but didn’t drink from it yet. “What took you so long?”

“Ran into someone at the bar,” Adam answered casually.

“Oh?” But nothing was casual to Blue. She made eyes with him, and it was like she could read his mind. “Tad?” Or not.

“Did they invite him?” asked Noah between sips of his beer. “I love that guy.”

“No, not Tad. Someone else.”

Suddenly Blue’s brow raised high and she looked around, investigating silently. Her attention caught on Orla, who was eating the raspberry from her champagne.

“Orla, where’s Travis?” asked Blue.

“Not here.” Orla looked at her cousin with as much intrigue as Adam was feeling. What was Blue up to? “He left already. Always work with that one. I thought after marrying him he would be less about work. It's really boring being married. I hate it.”

“It's been three months,” said Noah.

“Exactly.”

Blue rolled her eyes. Adam wondered why it was she brought up Travis, and then Orla voiced his question aloud.

“Why are you asking about Travis? You hate him.”

“I don’t _hate_ him,” Blue argued.

“Please.”

“That’s – that’s not the point–” Blue was flustered. “I just thought you two would do everything together now that you’re married.”

Orla rolled her eyes. “I’m still my own person,” she said. “You have a very weird perception on what a marriage is like.”

“Pfft, no I don’t.”

Orla sighed and moved on, and eventually they were asked to all find their seats. Adam moved ahead of the rest to check the chart, curious where they were being sat at. The Henrys main table was family only, so the wedding party was meant to sit elsewhere, which wouldn’t have been such a bad thing except when Adam went to check on which table he was at he noticed a familiar name next to his and blanched.

Ronan was sat next to him, Gansey on Ronan’s other side, and the rest of the table was made up of Adam’s friends. While it would’ve been simple to just switch the little tags on the board, when he looked at where the table was he could already see Ronan sitting down with Gansey.

Which left Adam with the last minute gut decision to switch his name instead, with a random table and a random person. A table as far from the table his friends would be sitting at. Safe from disappointment.

“Shit,” he whispered under his breath when he found his way to it and saw who was already sitting there. Some large cosmic presence really thought they were hilarious.

“Adam fucking Parrish! What are the coincidences?”

Slim. Really slim. “Hi, Tad.” Just his luck.

Tad motioned him over and he sank down into his seat, immediately overwhelmed by Tad’s presence and his awkward form of flirting. The best thing about this perhaps was that Adam at least didn’t have to work his way up into conversation with strangers. Tad did all the work for him.

Adam sat there and endured family toasts, dinner, the cake cutting, the first dance, all while watching Ronan and Gansey seemingly hit it off with his friends. Henry knew about Ronan. He didn’t know how he found him, how he invited him, but he was sure he was the reason they were sat at the same table. The cosmics weren’t that good.

“You look glum tonight,” Tad noticed. “Something bothering you?”

The only real upside to Tad was how considerate he was of Adam’s deaf ear. He was sitting on his wrong side for conversation tonight, so he clearly took a small advantage of leaning in to talk, but he didn’t lean in awkwardly this time or yell at him across his face. Tad was learning, or maybe just conscious of Adam’s sour mood. He wondered if confiding in Tad would be the epitome of rock bottom or not.

“I’m fine, Tad,” he said, smiling plainly. Enough to get him to continue talking about nothing, hopefully. “Thanks though.”

“Do you want to dance?”

Adam did not want to dance, but he did want to stop feeling like he jinxed himself to have a poor time.

“Yeah, whatever.”

Tad was startled quiet for perhaps the first time Adam knew him.

“Oh my god really?” Tad was positively bright and cheery. “Seriously?”

“Don’t.” Adam shook his head. “Don’t talk, okay?”

“Sure,” Tad said, voice lowered five octaves.

Out on the dance floor there was already a bit of a crowd, so they were easy to blend in with the throng of dancing bodies, moving to the beat with relative ease. It was a fast song, thankfully, so Adam was able to avoid Tad’s advances with a simple shake of his head. He learned through this that Tad was atrocious at dancing, but Adam was able to still enjoy himself, allowing himself the pleasure of ignoring that this was giving Tad false hope. Adam just needed to not think, and dancing was a good way to do that.

At one point Tad tried to do special moves, dances he clearly learned to seem hip, but he was not hip. He could not dance. After several failed attempts at several dance moves that he should never try to do again, Tad tried to do the latest viral move where he put an arm in the air and another at his forehead; and Adam shook his head, fit with laughter.

“God, no,” he said, pulling Tad’s arm down. “Don’t – don’t do that. Put your hands down. Just don’t use your hands for anything. You are not good at it.”

“Oh, okay.” Tad didn’t seem to care at all that he was bad at it, more focused on Adam’s sheer amusement and the way he touched his arm. Adam was going to regret giving Tad false hope, but granted he has told the poor guy on several occasions he was never going to go on a date with him.

“Are you having fun?” Tad asked on their third song.

Adam shrugged, a genuine response because he wasn’t entirely sure if he was. One second he was enjoying dancing, and then the next he was stealing a look over at the table where Blue and the others were sitting. The third time he did it he found Ronan was already staring at him, quick to look away once Adam caught him. Ronan turned into Gansey, whispering something in his ear, and Gansey laughed, a laugh he could hear clear across the room. Adam had to force himself to look back at Tad.

 

\--

 

Later, Blue and Noah ultimately joined in, dancing all together as a foursome and helping deflect Tad’s advances. When a slow song came up, however, Tad tried to take Adam’s hand and asked him to dance, but Blue stepped in between them with both her hands setting out to separate them.

“Sorry, buddy,” she said to Tad. “This one’s mine.”

Adam mouthed _thank you_ when Tad took the hint and slipped away back into the crowd. It took a few seconds for him to register Blue wasn’t just helping him with Tad, and that she genuinely wanted to dance. After they settled into a pace, she gave him a cheeky expression.

“Look at you, always the charitable one,” she joked.

“Stop.”

“You can come sit with us,” she said, gesturing to their table. “There’s plenty of room since Travis didn’t stay.”

He gave her a withering look, knowing she knew what he had done. Henry never would have been cruel enough to force Adam to sit away from the others like Adam did in his bout of panic.

“Orla would switch with you,” Blue continued. “She can’t stand Ronan.”

“And you can?” He wasn’t sure if he liked the idea of her and Ronan getting along. The trouble those two could get into together.

Blue shrugged. “He’s kind of funny,” she said. “He and Orla keep bickering. It’s fun to watch.”

“What about Gansey? What’s he like?” His eyes started to drift from their focus, but Blue tilted his head back down towards hers. She rolled her eyes when she knew he was looking and then let his face go to wander wherever it wanted.

“If you really want to know,” she said, “come hang out with us. Don’t sit off in a corner torturing yourself.”

“I’m fine at my table,” he mumbled. Gansey and Ronan were laughing again about something, only this time with Noah joined in.

“Seriously?” Blue poked hard at Adam’s chest. “You’re so stubborn. You can’t genuinely be enjoying yourself alone.”

“I wasn’t alone,” Adam argued. “I was with Tad, and I was having fun. I might be falling in love.”

“Look, if this is about what I said earlier–”

“It really isn’t.”

Blue touched at Adam’s chin with the tip of her index finger. She was upset with him, but for the life of him he couldn’t understand why. He hadn’t done anything. “You were happier after a few hours running around a reception with that guy than you’ve ever been in any other relationship I’ve seen you in since I’ve met you,” she said. “You should go talk to him.”

“He’s with Gansey,” he reasoned. “Also, I don’t want to.”

This was not the response Blue was looking for, visible by the way she was staring at him dumbfounded. She opened her mouth to say something else, but was cut off by a hand at Adam’s shoulder.

“Mind if I cut in?” he asked Blue.

“Yes, _please_ ,” Adam begged.

Henry took over Blue’s spot, looking less dazed than last he was alone with him, relieving Adam of having to talk any longer about Ronan. Their dancing was more refined, the height disparity practically nonexistent and Henry more inclined to a slower waltz.

“You feeling any better?” Adam asked. “You’re not going to throw up on me, are you?”

Henry rolled his eyes with a smile. “I’m fully functioning now, but I’m not over here for me. What are you doing?”

Adam hesitated. “What do you mean what am I doing?”

“I mean, you changed your table…” Henry glanced at where Blue was sitting now with the others. “Why?”

“Shit.” Adam should’ve realized Henry wouldn’t casually exchange with Blue to dance with Adam, not when he was leaving Henry B. all alone to wait to dance with someone else. “You notice everything.”

“I do.” Henry sighed. “A blessing and a curse. Are you not getting along with anyone? Something happen between you and Noah or Orla?”

“You sat me at the same table as Ronan.”

When Henry didn’t react with a hint of surprise Adam could see he was right, that he intentionally sat them together.

“I thought you liked him,” he said.

“Liked,” Adam mirrored. “Appropriate use of the past tense.”

“What happened?” Henry leaned in a little closer as more people joined on the dance floor.

“Nothing.”

“Come on.” Henry gave him his winning smile, the one that could get anyone to do anything. “You can tell me. I’ll just keep dancing with you until you do. Broadway will have to go on our honeymoon alone.”

Adam rolled his eyes at that, desperate to go sit back down at this point. His legs hurt from all the dancing tonight. “You already know what happened at the last wedding,” he started.

“Yes yes.” Henry nodded. “You hit it off, felt a spark, then he left you cold. I remember. That hasn’t changed in the last three months, but you have.”

This wasn’t something he wanted to talk about anymore and he stopped dancing as a result. Henry tried to pull him back into a waltz, standing awkwardly amongst couples that danced around them, but Adam wasn’t going to dance anymore.

“Did you invite him here because of me?”

“God no.” Henry looked practically insulted by the accusation. “It was fate, really. Gansey and I met at university. Hit it off. I tried to hit on him, this was ages ago mind you, but he had absolutely no idea what to do with me, which was a blessing in disguise because then I met Henry. Anyway, we've stayed in touch and I invited him, and Ronan was his plus one. It's a small world.”

Adam wasn’t sure how much of that to believe, but this world did indeed prove again and again how small it really could be.

“And Gansey’s his boyfriend, right?” he asked.

Henry nearly laughed, a few short cackles echoing out into the hall before he put a hand over his mouth, shaking his head until he controlled himself. “Those two? I don’t think so.”

“Trust me. I got a vibe.”

“Oh, a vibe huh? Well if you got a _vibe_.”

“Don’t mock me, Henry.”

“Sorry.” Henry touched at Adam’s shoulder, and Adam knew something serious was about to be said. “Listen, I would love to chat more with you about how this vibe is probably off, but Ronan is coming over and–”

Before his brain caught up with his legs he was walking speedily out of the hall and outside into the city, never once looking back, never once hesitating to let Ronan catch him. Adam didn’t want any confrontation. All he wanted was for this night to be over so he could go home.

Outside it was still rather humid, a little cooler now that the sun had set. The city was alive as it always was at this hour, loud and bright even in the dark. He let the sounds overwhelm him, numbing his thoughts a moment, and he closed his eyes.

Adam still had his speech to give, and then after that he would leave. That would be that. Nothing more. He was tempted to leave now, but he wouldn’t do that to Henry. After a little while of coming down from the anxiety of inside Adam moved to find a bench nearby, sitting down at it to wait until he felt like going back inside. It wasn’t long before someone else sat down beside him, and Adam didn’t have to look up to know who.

“Didn’t run very far, did you?”

“Leave me alone, Lynch,” Adam groaned. “Please.”

“Fine,” Ronan said curtly. “My mistake.”

He rose to his feet and started off. That was his big gesture. One line. Adam let his gaze follow him a moment, reminded unfortunately of the last time Ronan walked away. He rested his head against the wall behind the bench and groaned louder.

“What are you doing here?” he called out.

Ronan turned on his heel, looking about as happy as Adam felt. “Do you want to map out where I can and cannot go?” he snapped. Apparently Adam hit a nerve. “Am I not allowed to visit America when I feel like it?”

“Fuck.” Adam placed his face into his hands, evading Ronan’s ocean blue glare. “No, I meant like, here. Talking to me. The way you left things before,” Adam sat up again, but still couldn’t look at him, “it’s unsettling having you talk to me so casually as if we’re old friends. As if you didn’t…” He breathed through another bout of anger. “You realize how shitty that was?”

Ronan took a small step closer. The heat in his eyes was gone when Adam managed enough courage to meet them. “To be fair, I didn’t think I would ever see you again,” he said.

Adam’s eyes narrowed. “And that’s better how…?”

Ronan shrugged. “It isn’t,” he admitted. “I didn’t _want_ to see you again.”

Unbelievable, Adam thought. “Well no one’s forcing you,” and he turned his back to him, staring out at the sea of cars passing by on the street in front of them. “You can go inside and ignore me if you want. I really wouldn’t mind.”

Inside he was chaos, wrecked by the fact Ronan came all this way out here just to say these things. He _did_ mind, but the fact of the matter was there was no point to saying any of this to Ronan if all Ronan was going to do with the information was leave.

There was an added weight to the bench, a shift in the wood, and then a hand tenderly pulling at his shoulder, guiding him to face the other way.

“That came out wrong,” said Ronan. “I’m glad to see you now, like really fucking glad. I’ve been thinking about you, and how much of an asshole I was to leave like I did.”

“Cool.” Adam didn’t know what else to say, and he still said it with a bite. “Thanks.”

Ronan said nothing else, but he didn’t leave. Instead, he leaned against the back, shoulders hunching slightly forward. Adam watched him lick his lips, the act of which drove him to look outward again at the street. His anger wasn’t lasting or staying as hot and simmering as he thought it would, as he hoped it would.

“You know–” “Listen, I—”

They startled each other talking at the same time, and then they both went silent at the same time. Adam waited a second for Ronan to speak, but he didn’t.

“No, you go first,” he said.

“No, you.”

He rolled his eyes at himself for what he was about to ask next. “Are you and Gansey together?”

“No.” Ronan at least didn’t seem to find humor in the question like Henry did. “We’re good friends, is all. Like you and Blue.”

Adam let that sink in. He was jealous for other reasons then, that closeness they had. The fact that when this wedding was over he would still know him while Adam would not. The familiarity between them he wanted. His hands fidgeted in his lap, in need of something to do. He let them fall to either side of him on the bench, gripping at the wood until his knuckles went white.

“Can we start over?” Ronan said, to Adam’s surprise.

He almost said nothing, not sure what to say to that. What did that even mean? Forget they met? Forget they kissed? Forget the spark so visibly alive between them even now? _God_ he sure knew how to pick them.

“Life doesn’t have a rewind button, Lynch,” he said.

Ronan was mildly amused by that. “You’re going to make me fucking work for this, aren’t you?” When Adam said nothing, waiting, Ronan became more somber in his tone. “I want to know you, Parrish, and I don’t know how else to ask you to let me.”

“You could’ve known me three whole months by now,” Adam said.

This wasn’t what Ronan wanted to hear and he went silent, too, resting his head against the back of the bench, staring upward at the sky. Adam struggled not to look at him, staring out at the street, forcing his gaze not to drift. Cars passed by in blurred lines of light, pedestrians walked by in dark shadows. The world kept turning and Adam wanted Ronan to feel bad for being a dick, but at the same time he felt like he had enough of being angry. He wanted to know Ronan, too.

“What did you mean by starting over?” he said.

Ronan sat upright again. “I would like it if we were friends,” he said. “We can be friends, right?”

“Sure. Friends.” Adam still sounded a little bitter, perhaps because he thought this ‘fresh start’ meant for something else. He wasn’t the only one to notice how he sounded, as Ronan looked a little sad by what he said.

“You don't sound all that enthused with the idea,” he noted. “It's just, hmm, I'm not so great at talking about this sort of stuff. And I'm not looking for anything. I have enough on my plate I can't handle a relationship, too.”

“It's fine,” Adam muttered. But Ronan either didn’t hear him or didn’t think it was fine and he kept prattling on.

“I would like it if we knew each other, more than just that one night, but I would understand if you don't want that. If you were expecting something else, that's fine. I can't give it to you, and I wish you the—”

“Ronan, seriously.” Adam put a hand to his shoulder to still him. “It's _fine_. You can stop talking now if you want to.”

There was no more bite or edge in Adam’s voice and Ronan could hear this too, relaxing at once into his side. “Oh, fucking thank Christ. I thought I would have to go on forever.”

“I was tempted to let you,” Adam said. A gentle tease, with a small smile.

“Bastard,” Ronan muttered, a grin splitting on his pleasant face. Adam knew he should get back inside, attend to his friends, give a riling speech in Henry’s honor, dance the night away until there was no one left to dance with. That was the polite thing to do, but Ronan came all this way here, and if they went back inside there was no guarantee he would have another chance alone with him until well into the night when everyone was leaving.

“Do you want to get out of here?” he asked.

It was a surprise for them both, Ronan especially, who gazed at him with those piercing eyes, wide with wonder and trepidation.

“You think that’s such a good idea?” he said, sincerely concerned.

“What, you think we’re incapable of keeping our hands off each other?” Adam played it off like a joke, but he could tell Ronan was worried about something to that effect. “We’re adults. Besides, I’m over you. You weren’t that great a kisser.”

Ronan was biting his lip to evade breaking out into a smile. “I, for a fact, know I’m a great kisser,” he said.

“Well whoever's been telling you that has been lying to you.”

Ronan laughed. “Dick.”

“Take's one to know one.”

It was as if nothing happened to ruin this, no time had passed. They were in that Ease Breeze Lodge room once again three months ago, only this time there was definitely no sex happening. Adam watched as Ronan nervously blushed just a little, ears pinkening at the edges and his gaze casting down to the sidewalk. His eyelashes fluttered, catching Adam’s attention especially. All of it was annoyingly endearing.

“Where did you have in mind?” Ronan asked. “Oh, let me just tell Gansey I'm leaving.”

“Can't text him that?”

“No, I lost my phone somewhere between arriving and coming out to find you.” He stood from the bench, and Adam followed. “Hold on.”

Inside Gansey and Blue were dancing, with Noah dancing right beside them with both Orla and one of Henry’s cousins. The music was fast paced again, louder than he remembered when he left. He waited by the doorway to evade any attention, watching as Ronan went for Gansey, whispered something in his ear, and then immediately started heading back towards Adam. Behind him, he could see Gansey then whisper something to Blue, who in turn whispered to Noah. Adam smothered the urge to roll his eyes, knowing Ronan would see it and think he was rolling his eyes at him.

“Where’s your favorite place in all of New York to go?” he asked once they were back outside.

“Well, half the city is closed right now,” Adam admitted. “It's late. I can't exactly give you a proper tour in one night anyway, but certainly not at eleven at night.”

Ronan seemed disappointed, frowning. “I thought this was the city that never sleeps,” he said. “What a bunch of horseshit.”

“If you're into drinking and clubs then yeah, it's a city that never sleeps, but I'm not into either of those things so it more or less naps to me.”

“Naps.” Ronan chuckled. “The city that naps. You fucking dork.”

Adam was grinning, enjoying every swear Ronan threw his way. They were walking down the sidewalk now, giving themselves some distance between The Plaza and them. He already had somewhere in mind to go.

“There’s one place I like that’s still open,” he said. “Do you want to take a taxi or the subway?”

“Your decision.”

It was more cost effective to take the subway, but Adam chose a taxi. It was a little slower than the train, but he secretly wanted to lengthen his time with Ronan. He wasn't sure how long Ronan would want to stay out with him, and this way he had a little more time. He could afford it.

In the taxi Adam gave the address but not the name. He had it memorized by heart because it was one of the first places he went to in the city on his first trip there by himself after getting accepted into Columbia. It was an affordable lunch back then when he still had to struggle about money. A lifetime ago. Ronan leaned into him a little and Adam looked over, registering Ronan’s mouth had just finished moving.

“That bored of me already, Parrish?” he quipped.

“Hmm?” Adam tilted his head to get a better angle. “Did you say something?”

“I asked where it is you’re taking me.”

“Oh. Sorry.” Adam motioned to his ear. “Shouldn’t have sat on this side of you, I guess. I- I can’t hear out of this ear.”

“Oh, shit. Sorry.”

Adam didn’t say it to make him feel guilty. “You didn’t know,” he said. “It’s not like I wear a sign on my forehead ‘I’m deaf in one ear.’ ”

“Have you always…?” Ronan clearly didn’t know how to proceed in this, as he tugged at his own ear. While Adam would’ve rather he dropped the subject completely, it was a little bit hilarious what he was doing. Adam mimicked the action with a smirk, mocking him gently.

“What are you doing?” He stilled Ronan’s hand on his ear. “You can say it, you know. Have I always been deaf? No. It happened because of an incident a long time ago.” Ronan was still gazing at him with curiosity, and so he sucked in the air through his teeth, pushing on. “It sucks sometimes, like if I'm on a phone call I can't hear anything else around me, and sometimes I can't tell where a noise is coming from, just the general idea of the noise. I had to tell my boss when I first got hired so she didn't think I was being an asshole and ignoring her, that I just couldn't hear depending on if this ear was occupied with something or not. I'm fine with it, though. I mean, I have to be, I guess. I used to be self conscious about it, but it's nothing I can really change. It's just annoying. Some people can be annoying about it.”

He very much hoped Ronan wouldn’t be annoying about it, and while thinking that Ronan pushed a little closer. The back of the taxicab was becoming very warm.

“So if I said something in this ear you wouldn’t be able to hear it?”

“Please don’t,” Adam said, pulling back to press his side against the door, leaving a little bit of separation between them again.

“Right.” There was more separation as Ronan, too, pulled from the center of the seat. “Don’t be a tit, Ronan,” he said, more to himself than to Adam. He looked to be trying to avoid Adam’s eyes, as he turned his towards the window, staring out at the buildings and the skyline as they drove past.

“Where are we going, by the way?” he asked again.

“You'll see,” said Adam.”

Ronan gave him an indecipherable expression. “Not going to pull that grandma card on me again, are you?” he said.

“Which-?”

“Patience is a virtue.”

“It’s true though,” said Adam, doing his best to keep his eye rolls to a minimum. It wasn’t working, as he rolled his eyes anyway when Ronan rolled his. “I’ve learned from experience. Good things come to those who wait.”

“Jesus Mary and Joseph,” he muttered. “You’re like a walking hallmark card, you are.”

 

\--

Gray’s Papaya was one of Adam’s favorite places in the whole of the city. There was only one location now, seated in a part of the city still awake this late into the night. There wasn’t any line, although there were people stationed around its front talking and eating and drinking. Adam ordered one papaya juice, excited for Ronan to try it.

“Here. Have a taste first before you get one,” he said.

Ronan took the small cup hesitantly, staring down at the drink like it was emitting some strange odor.

“What’s in it?” he said, still looking down.

“Papaya juice,” said Adam. “It’s right there in the name. My god, does Ireland not have papaya juice?”

“I don't really like most juices,” said Ronan, shrugging. He was still looking unpleasantly at the cup in his head.

“What! How can you not like juice? Who raised you?”

“My mom.”

“I wasn't actually—” Adam struggled not to laugh. “Take one sip, and if you don't like it there's other juices too.”

“But they're called Gray's Papaya.” Ronan motioned toward the sign above them. “Do their other drinks even compare? They're not in their name.”

Adam was not amused. “I will dunk this on your head, you stubborn man.”

Ronan started snickering as he lifted the cup to his lips and gave a small sip. Adam stood there, waiting, to see his reaction. He made a small face but Adam couldn't tell if it was one of disgust or surprised delight.

Then he took another quick sip and Adam smiled.

“That's actually pretty good,” Ronan acknowledged. He didn’t go for a third sip, but rather handed it back to Adam and looked up at the sign again.

“See?” Adam nudged him as he sipped some of the juice, too. “I love it. I come here every weekday. I wish it was closer to where I live, but I would drive across the country for this juice if I had to. It's amazing. So are their hot dogs, but I brought you for the juice.”

Ronan reached again for the drink when Adam was finished with his sip, expecting it to be handed back to him. “You done or-?”

“No.” A jerk reaction had Adam swing his arm away from Ronan’s reach, to retain hold of his drink. More amused than disappointed by this, Ronan reached again. “Go get yourself one,” Adam said, stepping back. “You have money, don’t you? This one’s mine.”

“I don’t have any American money on me,” Ronan said, reaching a third time. “Come on. Pity the Irishman.”

“Oh boo hoo.” Adam rolled his eyes. “You have money but it’s from the wrong country.”

“Come on.” This was becoming a game, apparently. Adam had to watch out where he was walking, avoiding collisions with street lamps and people. “What are friends for?” said Ronan. He reached again and Adam whirled to put his back to him, holding his arms out. Ronan only had to reach around him, his arms a little longer, but Adam maneuvered the drink away from him anyway.

“I take it back,” Adam said over his shoulder. “I don’t want to be your friend.”

“Well then I _really_ deserve it,” Ronan said into his good ear. “I just lost a friend today. I need the pick me up.”

Adam laughed as they awkwardly spun around in a circle, getting looks from the others around them on the street corner. Adam didn't care. They were behaving like children, and he didn’t care. Whatever they were doing, it was fun if not a little repetitive. He was trying to get the drink to his mouth but Ronan was so handsy, hands coming down his arms to stretch out for that cup.

“You're going to make me spill!” Adam couldn’t stop laughing. “Then neither of us will get it. This is ridiculous. It's right _there_.”

He tried to put the cup to his mouth, and then Ronan reached for it too, nearly knocking it into Adam’s face. When Adam managed to outmaneuver him again, Ronan resorted to tickling at Adam’s stomach. Adam’s arms went down in a second.

“Stop!” he gasped, laughing. “Stop. Sop stop.” He stopped laughing, the tickling starting to make him breathless. “Seriously, stop,” he said.

Ronan stopped and Adam was able to catch his breath, leaning ever so slightly into Ronan for balance. The Irishman didn’t move, rather tilted into him in turn. His hands were still at Adam’s hips, burning through the layers of clothes into Adam’s skin. When he could breathe again he quickly downed the last of the juice in one, cold but delicious.

“Eh, that's cheating, you bastard!” Ronan exclaimed from behind.

Adam sighed, content. “Ah, yum. Hit the spot.”

He turned around, beaming, lifting the cup to his lips one last time for any droplets leftover, dragging on the moment to antagonize Ronan further.

“Do you really not have American money?” he asked.

Ronan reached for his wallet, an old worn leather wallet that had seen better days. Inside he opened it to show he did indeed only have euros in there.

“I’m more than willing to pay you back–” he started, when he realized why Adam was asking. Adam tossed the empty cup in a trashcan and shook his head at Ronan.

“That’s okay,” he said. “I was just teasing you earlier. I'll get you one. My treat.”

“Thank you,” Ronan said, a little shook by this. Adam left him a moment to order the second cup, and as he was waiting Ronan followed him over, leaning against the wall of Gray’s storefront, putting his wallet back into his pocket.

“So where else in New York do you like to go that's still accessible at...” His eyes peered down at a watch that was hidden under his jacket’s sleeve. “Fuck's sake. 12:17 am.”

Adam could hear his dismay at the time and his chest pinched. “Do you need to leave?”

Ronan let the watch disappear again under his sleeve. “I'm alright for now,” he said. “I'll let you know, though.”

When Adam received the second drink he handed it over to Ronan, and in the moment the cup passed between them he let his fingers linger on Ronan’s. It was enough to reenergize him, but Ronan didn’t appear to even notice.

 

\--

 

The night was young in the eyes of how alive the city could still be at midnight. After Ronan finished drinking his juice they walked around a bit. Adam had a dozen other places in mind to take Ronan, but getting to any of them would swallow up another half hour at least, and he wanted to just be alone with him. No taxi driver. No fellow train passengers. Just them.

After ages of walking and talking, they passed by a city garden and Ronan stopped short in his tracks. Adam didn’t see why the enthusiasm at a city garden, but he allowed them to stop as Ronan touched at the fence.

“Let’s go in,” said Ronan.

“It’s closed.” Adam motioned to the locked gate.

“Do you know how to hop a fence, Parrish?”

Adam was not hopping fences, and certainly not in this suit. “That’s illegal, Lynch,” he said.

“No one's around.” Ronan looked both directions to make sure. “They wouldn't care, I'm sure.”

“You live on a farm in Ireland,” Adam said. “I'm sure you've seen a garden or two before.”

“Yeah, but not in the middle of a city like this.”

“It's not that different.”

Ronan groaned, and Adam didn’t like where this was headed. He was not going to be challenged to illegally jump a fence into a garden. This was stupid.

“Where’s your sense of adventure?” Ronan said, and he was clearly trying to push Adam’s buttons, but Adam could only roll his eyes again.

“I’m glad I didn’t know you in high school, Lynch,” he mused. “You would’ve gotten me into all sorts of trouble.”

Ronan grinned proudly. “What's life without a little danger?”

“Safer.”

“Eh!” Ronan made a large x with his hands. “Wrong. Boring was the answer I was looking for. Here. I’ll lift you in.”

Adam tugged on Ronan’s elbow to pull him away from the fence. “Come on,” he said, easily persuading him away. “Let’s keep walking.”

And as they shifted from storefronts into neighborhoods, Adam and Ronan talked more about life. He learned a little more this time about Ronan's family. How he has two brothers, Declan who works for the Irish government, and Matthew who helps run the brewery. How his dad walked out on them when he was fifteen and his mother took over the farm at that point.

Adam mentioned his parents, giving vague descriptions of his life in the past as well. He mentioned how, last time he checked, Mr. and Mrs. Parrish were still together. That was nearly ten years ago, but they probably still were. He left it at that, but Ronan couldn’t.

“So they didn’t help with school or anything like that?” he asked.

“No, all me.” Adam said it proudly, working hard to have gotten where he was today. Ronan gazed at him with admiration, impressed.

“Self made man?” he said. “I like it.”

“What about you? You’re a self made man, too, aren’t you?”

Ronan gave a slight shrug and nod together. “The brewery is mine, yeah,” he said. “Technically I used my dad’s money. Not as impressive.”

“That’s still impressive, though.” Adam could see Ronan was a little flattered.

“You think?” He waved him off. “Sometimes I look at my life and I think I’m doing it all wrong. That I missed a step along the way, but everyone else around me got it right.”

“I think you're doing fine.”

It was surprising that Ronan could feel this way, when it sounded like he had quite the fulfilling life back in Ireland. Adam used to feel that way too at one point in his life, still did about some things. Like this. Like them.

He rolled his eyes at himself at how annoying it was they clearly liked each other and weren’t going to do much of anything about it. This was like sand in his hands, slipping through his fingers and impossible to hold onto. He wanted to hold onto it, this something that was very new but very powerful. Ronan nudged him with his elbow.

“Do you want to start heading back?” he asked.

“Heading back where?” Adam looked around. They were in a small park near the water, and if Ronan thought they would be walking back to The Plaza he was so wrong.

“Home,” said Ronan. “It's nearly three.”

“You're kidding.”

Ronan twisted his wrist toward Adam to show him the time. When he saw Ronan wasn’t embellishing, he groaned, not yet wanting this night to be over.

“I'll see you off,” said Ronan.

Adam quickly learned that meant sharing a cab back to their separate drop offs. Because Adam’s place was closer than Ronan’s hotel, they were dropping him off first, which Adam secretly loathed.

On any other night, with any other person, he could use this to his advantage. It would be an excuse to invite Ronan up for a nightcap. However, Adam didn’t own any alcohol in his apartment, and the invitation usually implied more elicit things anyway, things they said they wouldn’t do. Things they shouldn’t do when everything was so fragile.

“So is this your first time in New York?” Adam said, when the taxi grew too quiet for his liking.

“Third time,” said Ronan, “but the last two were for business, so I didn’t get to do much sightseeing. I’ve seen the Empire State Building, but that’s all I’ve managed to do here.”

“Next time you’re in town I’ll take you to the museums,” said Adam. “I think you’d like them.”

The implication that Ronan was ever coming back was heavy, but Adam had to believe they would see each other again someday. That’s usually what friends did.

“That’s awfully presumptuous of you,” and Adam felt his stomach wrench, “to think I would ever enjoy myself in a museum.”

Adam sighed, shoving a little at Ronan’s shoulder. “They've learned the crafted skill of getting children interested in history and science. I'm sure it'll work on you as well.”

Ronan scoffed. “Are you calling me a child?”

“I didn't say it. You did.”

“Oh, okay.” Ronan shook his head. This night shouldn’t end here. Adam wasn’t ready for it to end. Then Ronan said something in Gaelic under his breath, and Adam inclined his head.

“What’s that mean?” he said.

“I called you impossible.”

Adam was impossibly delighted by Ronan’s everything.

“Is it true Gaelic is the native first language on the Aran Islands?”

“Did you research that?” Ronan smiled.

“No.” Adam blushed and turned away.

“Everyone knows it, yeah,” Ronan said softly, closer to Adam than he was expecting. He couldn’t turn his head, face still beet red. “We learn it first, then English. People our age don't use Irish as often with each other, though. It depends on how invested they are, if they want to stay on the islands. Me, I love it. I can curse someone out in Gaelic who isn't a local and they have no fucking idea what it is I'm saying.”

“So you're fluent in both English and Gaelic then?” Adam asked the window.

“Yeah,” and Ronan pulled away again to his side of the cab. Adam stole a glance at him. “Matthew and Declan aren't. Declan didn't bother keeping up with it once he left, and Matthew never really learned. He went to school off the island. So I mostly talk to my mom in it or the folks down in town.” There was a moment of hesitation, as Ronan licked his lips several times, pondering on something. His eyes darted between the outside world and back to Adam. “Have you ever been to Ireland?”

“I've never been outside the country.” Adam then recollected an old memory. “No, that's not true. I've been to Mexico once. I think. Maybe it was New Mexico. It was a long time ago. I was a kid. Probably the only time my family went anywhere, ironically also for a wedding.”

Ronan moved past all that and asked, “What's stopping you from going outside the states?”

“Besides the lack of time off from work? I don't fly.”

“What, ever?” That always surprised people, as if flying wasn’t a terrifying feat to accomplish every time. It was also a privilege to be able to fly, but that was neither here nor there. “How do you live?” Ronan teased.

“You can live easily and well without ever flying your entire life,” Adam answered, a little more bitterly than he meant for it to come out. Again, Ronan moved past all that.

“So, what, you're just never going to see the rest of the world?” he asked.

“I would like to someday,” he said, “but not today. Maybe if they invent another way to travel across oceans that wasn’t by boat or by plane.”

“You're missing out on a lot of great places in the world,” said Ronan.

“I'm sure. But I live in a pretty great one here, so…”

This inspired Ronan to give Adam a look, something soft and quiet that was mysterious to him. He wondered what that look was for, as Ronan tilted his head back against the headrest, eyes locked with Adam’s. Adam felt himself becoming unwound.

“What?” he said, wracked with nerves.

Ronan tilted into him, a hand coming up to his knee. Adrenaline was pumping through him, his heart was racing, and suddenly his mouth was very dry. Wasn’t Ronan the one who said they should just be friends?

Adam knew he would regret this in the morning, but he inclined his head in turn, taking Ronan’s mouth to his. He tasted as he remembered, kissed as gentle as he memorized, and his hands were as eased to move around Adam’s body as they once were. One hand reached to Adam’s waist, pulling on his jacket, and then the other moved and tugged at Adam’s hair.

Adam moaned from the act, delighted by the feeling, and Ronan understood and pulled again. There was too much space between them in the cab and Adam leaned further into Ronan, but was cock blocked by his seatbelt. The reality of being in the backseat of a car making out was not at all how Adam imagined it.

“How close are we to your apartment?” Ronan whispered into his lips.

“Five minutes,” Adam replied.

The kissing resumed, a little more heated. Adam’s hands went around Ronan’s neck, and Ronan’s second hand moved from his waist to his stomach, feeling where Adam all night felt twists and turns and now instead felt nothing but calm.

“I thought you said I had to buy you dinner first,” Adam said when they caught their breath. He was dizzy from kissing while in motion, the cab not the best place to make out, and especially when his equilibrium was always tentatively off balance.

Ronan chuckled against his cheek. “Fuck, Parrish,” he said.

“I don't want you to feel like you're being pressured–”

“Does it look like I'm being pressured right now?”

His eyes showed their want, their hunger, and Adam could already feel himself ravaged by how wrecked Ronan looked, with pink lips and a messy collar.

“I'll buy you a hot dog,” said Adam, and he quickly entangled himself in Ronan’s everything for the rest of the cab ride home.

He dragged Ronan out of the cab and into his building with exceptional ease, thankful his place had an elevator to allow for another moment of kissing. Alone, he pinned Ronan against the elevator wall, grabbing at his ass through his slacks. It was a nice ass, firm. All that farming and chasing after sheep and cows sure gave him a nice ass. Thank you, farming.

While they kissed until Adam could feel his mouth bruising and Ronan’s breaths catching, Adam’s brain was never fully off. Adam wanted to ask so many questions. He wanted to know what this meant for them. Was Ronan going to evade him again and disappear _again_? Was this it? The way Ronan touched him, kissed him, leaned into him, he couldn't be that cruel. To offer this and then disappear forever again until another possible meeting. He had to believe that, because stopping now was impossible.

Inside Adam’s apartment they were seemingly alone, but Adam still made sure their arrival was quiet. Ronan wouldn’t relent on kissing at Adam’s neck, not that he minded that one bit. He ached for every touch, every kiss.

"Take off your shoes," Adam instructed once they shut the door. He kicked his off first and waited until Ronan followed. There were no jokes, no nonsense, and Ronan obeyed quick and quiet, desperate to reattach himself to Adam's lips. He followed after him with a lustful look as Adam guided them to his bedroom, walking backwards and careful not to trip on anything along the way.

His room was a bit of a mess these days, but Ronan didn't seem to mind, pushing past the pile of laundry he still needed to take care of and helping add onto the pile by helping ease Adam out of his jacket and dress shirt. In turn, Adam helped Ronan out of his, feeling at his bare chest with both palms. He could see more of his back tattoo, even in the darkness of his room, and he reached around to feel at it from the back, pulling Ronan closer to him as a result.

To think that Adam woke up this morning expecting nothing eventful to happen at the wedding, outside of whatever Blue and Noah were surely to have said in their speeches. What a day.

Ronan grunted when Adam slipped backward onto his bed, the separation startling him. He towered over Adam a moment, visibly wrecked and breathing hard. The only sounds Adam could hear were the cars passing outside and their panting, both of them trying to catch their breaths while the moment presented itself. Slowly Adam pulled up one knee, staring up at Ronan. There was the conscious decision of continuing or leaving, and he wondered what was going on inside Ronan’s mind. He touched at the man’s leg gently, nudging him to let him know they could start touching again if they wanted.

“Take off your pants,” he said.

Ronan listened and undid his belt slowly, letting his pants fall down around his knees. He was hard already and they weren’t even touching anymore. Quick, he shimmied free of them completely as he moved to climb over Adam, kissing him again. The return of Ronan’s lips to his was sweet and slow, dragging out the moment as long as they could manage. His hands ran down Ronan’s back, feeling every muscle with his nimble fingers, scratching just a little at his skin. Ronan arched into him from this, groaning into his open mouth. His hands came up to either side of Adam, filling all the space around him with pieces of Ronan, and Adam inclined his waist upward to let him know how much he appreciated it. Ronan grinded back into him, hard and aching.

“Help me take my pants off,” he mumbled as another instruction, starting quick at the zipper of his slacks. Never mind that they shouldn’t be left in shambles on the floor, these pants meant to be hung or lain down across the back of a chair. It really didn't matter right now. He wanted Ronan, and Ronan obliged him by easing him out of his pants, and then slowly out of his briefs. 

Soon there was nothing between them, not even air as Ronan pressed down into him to a point Adam was afraid he was going to finish before they even started. His eyes fluttered as he stared momentarily up at the ceiling, then down at Ronan's skull as he was beginning to kiss at Adam's neck.

There was a lot to take in. Here they were, bare physically and emotionally, as much as Adam could endure to be, but before he could over analyze anything Ronan's mouth started going downward. His lips bruised at his neck, nipping at the sensitive skin with his teeth, sure to leave marks Adam was going to need to cover with high collars. His hands roamed past Adam’s thighs, and Adam’s own hands scraped at Ronan’s back when he felt his arousal greeted with Ronan’s steady grip. There were a few quick strokes, until Ronan’s lips moved downward to Adam’s collarbone, his hands spreading Adam’s legs apart to give him better access.

Down and down he went, toward his chest where Ronan overwhelmed him with heavy kisses. Adam was starved for touch, Ronan a perfect balance between tenderness and rough, his warm hands heating every inch.

His lips went down and down again, hot breath at Adam’s stomach. So delicate and so intricate, his tongue slid further, brushing against his hipbone. Adam shuddered.

“Ronan,” he muttered, the voice coming out of him ragged and breathy.

Something about the way he said his name must have pleased Ronan, because he could feel him grin against the inside of his thigh, the delicate skin that reacted even to his breathing. Adam’s own breath hitched, he was shaking from how far down Ronan managed to go, knowing where it was he was headed toward next. He clutched at a pillow above him for support, the closest thing he could find around him outside of Ronan himself.

His eyes drifted open enough to look down to see Ronan looking back up at him, and the mental image was seared forever into his brain.

Then Ronan took him into his mouth and Adam lost all ability to focus, moaning loud enough he was sure even the poor folks that lived in the apartment complex across the street could hear him. Ronan started making the motion up and down his length and Adam disappeared into the moment completely, giving over his control to Ronan willingly. The man was experienced and generous, slow in his process and bountiful in what he could take in.

“ _Fuck shit fuck_.” Adam pressed both palms to his forehead to resist the urge to spend so soon, unfulfilled by anyone else beyond himself in some time. It was not ideal that Ronan was so passionate and offering, or that he was clearly aware of what his mouth was doing, moving faster just enough Adam shuddered at the lack of rush.

“Go faster,” he begged, whimpering as Ronan’s tongue did things he did not know tongues could do.

Ronan pulled up, and when his mouth disappeared from his skin, Adam groaned and stole a look downward again. It was highly illegal for Ronan to stare up at him from this position with a devil may care smile and a look of hunger in his eyes.

“Patience is a virtue,” he chirped, and Adam never once before laughed during sex, but he was laughing now.

“You fuck.”

“That’s what I’m trying to do here, Parrish, but you’re distracting me.”

Adam gave another breathy laugh until Ronan’s mouth was back around him, his masterful tongue taking Adam apart second by second. It wasn’t long after this that Adam finished in Ronan’s mouth, shivering and moaning into his sheets until Ronan started climbing on top of him again. He was completely unfurled underneath him, and Ronan leaned down to plant sloppy kisses on him, which he eagerly accepted. Even as he could taste the bitter taste of himself the first few kisses he sighed, content.

“Roll over,” he said, ready to reciprocate, but Ronan shook his head and held him off.

“I just want to kiss you,” he said.

“Even if I… do this?” Adam stroked at Ronan still hard between them. Ronan held back a gasping sound at the feeling of his hand, and that was enough for Adam to know he didn’t mind it, and so he kissed him and jerked him off at the same time. While it wasn’t exactly what he had in mind when he invited Ronan up, it was still something. Their limbs entangled as Adam managed to roll atop him anyway, Ronan’s hands coming up to rest softly at his back, feeling the smooth of his skin with slow motions. He was quivering and moaning into their passion fueled kisses, as much a mess underneath him as he had been earlier underneath Ronan. With his free hand he moved one of Ronan’s to his hair, letting it tangle into the bird’s nest it was surely formed into by now. There Ronan knew what he wanted, fingers slipping through to the back where he gently tugged enough it gave the tiniest sting.

Adam tried to keep him hard, but was not yet ready for him to spend, wanting this to last as long as he could in hopes the moment’s end could somehow be postponed, but Ronan did not seem as concerned about it as he was and finished in his hand. Gasping for air at the release, he clutched harder at Adam’s hair and back, and then he laxed underneath him. Adam reached over the side of his bed for the towel he used that morning, wiping his hand awkwardly on it before returning to Ronan, finding him staring back.

There were no words for this, the afterglow of sex. Adam couldn’t quite believe what happened, touching gently at Ronan’s face to check he was real, he was present. As ‘friends’ this was all so wrong, but then why did it feel so right? His finger ran the length of Ronan’s jaw, sharp and smooth. Down his finger went, passing by his adam’s apple, fingering his collarbone. Every curve, every angle, was studied in this silence. He wished to have forever to touch him, but he knew this moment would soon be over and reality would settle in again.

So he kissed him again while he still had the chance, feeling him with his hands and his lips. Ronan sighed in the kiss, clutching him back as hard as he did. There was something said in all this that couldn’t be said aloud, that they each did not want this to stop, knowing very well it would and hoping to steal moments until it was impossible to steal any more.

When they couldn’t breathe any more they broke apart, and Adam shivered slightly as Ronan took a hand of his to his mouth, first kissing at his fingers and then at his wrist. His pulse was erratic, and he suspected Ronan could feel it, this intimate thing he was willing to confess only by things that could not be said. _Please stay. I don’t want another friend I want more than that._

Mouth still at his skin, Ronan looked up at him, long lashes cast above his ice blue eyes. Adam was so close to telling him how he felt aloud, to wax poetic about all that he desired even though he was unsure how to tell him that he never felt this way before about anyone, or that he was willing to call out sick tomorrow to spend a whole day like this in bed with him. Stay awake until the morning, fall asleep in his arms.

Ronan let go of his hand before he could utter a thing.

Adam didn’t know what else to do if he wasn’t going to speak, so he pulled back a little, sitting up halfway on the bed. “Do you need some water?” His voice crackled but he could always blame it on his dry throat.

“Sure.” Ronan sat up too and Adam let his gaze linger to memorize the way the sheets fell of his hips. He was starved for more, but he was sure if they did anything more he wouldn’t know how to stop.

Getting out of bed he put on some boxers, in the rare case Blue was home and walked out of her room while he was out of his. He staggered in the dark, letting everything remain unlit as he managed his way to the cupboards. He didn’t want to see all that clearly right now, as he washed his hands and then filled up two cups of water.

Upon filling them up Adam realized how hungry he was, since he didn’t eat much of his diner at the wedding. Inside the fridge was pretty barren, both him and Blue too busy that week running around helping Henry with last minute wedding tasks, but after a minute of searching around the leftovers and dozens of Blue’s yogurts Adam found himself a box of old donuts. Stale, but still edible, and he was starving.

He stuffed one in his mouth and juggled the rest in his hands along with the waters, returning to his room quick and quiet. There he found Ronan was standing by the window, looking outside without much subtlety to his nakedness.

“Flashing my neighbors?” he asked.

Ronan whirled, smirking. “I’m a beautiful man,” he said. “The world deserves a show.”

Adam rolled his eyes and reached out for him with one of the waters as Ronan came back to his side of the bed. “What’s that?” He motioned to the small box.

“Stale donuts. I wasn’t sure if you were hungry, but I am.”

“I’m fine,” he said, sitting down next to Adam on the bed, taking his glass of water. “Thank you.”

For a while all they did was sit there and drink water, Ronan finishing his faster than Adam, Adam also preoccupied with eating more terribly old donuts. They tasted like cardboard, but he was desperate. He only stopped eating when he felt Ronan at his neck, and he tilted into the feeling, lowering his hand as he shut his eyes to the rest of the world.

“I should go,” Ronan whispered, kissing at the underside of his jaw. What a juxtaposition of feelings Adam was experiencing, unable to filter between the two. He was disappointed and aroused, annoyed that Ronan could say this while doing _this_.

There was a pinch in his chest as he achingly managed to get out, “Okay.”

He wasn’t going to force him to stay. He wasn’t going to ask him either. Ronan was a grown ass man and if he wanted to waste this that was his choice.

After a few more seconds Ronan shifted his attention upward, snagging Adam’s lower lip between his. An unspoken request was unwittingly said with his lips, his tongue, his hands, his heartbeat. Ronan responded with a gentle hand to his cheek, accepting the request. He did not leave.

 

\--

 

“Parrish,” Adam heard spoken gently into his good ear. A hand was at his shoulder. “Parrish, wake up.”

Adam groaned. “Go back to sleep.”

Last night was still a dream to him, still not fully real in his mind. Even aware this was Ronan nudging him awake, he was unable to process the fact.

“I have to go,” Ronan said.

“What time is it?” Adam groaned again, unwilling to move. His body ached from little sleep, aware he only went to sleep briefly before. Even closed, his eyes were stinging from their need to rest.

“Early,” said Ronan.

“I hate early.”

It was only when Ronan’s hand left his shoulder did Adam bother moving, slowly rolling over to find himself pressed against Ronan’s chest. Against his cheek he could feel the vibration of Ronan’s heartbeat, not able to hear it properly with how he positioned himself, but this was enough. Slowly he peeled his eyes open, registering the context of all this. Ronan wasn’t moving, so it wasn’t entirely like their last time, but he was still leaving. Again.

“Why are you such a fan of morning flights?” he moaned, haggard.

“Actually, I'm not flying out until this afternoon,” said Ronan, each word reverberating through Adam’s cheek and shaking the rest of him by default, “but I have a meeting with some people about my beer. A potential new supplier.”

There was a hand in Adam’s hair, gently stroking it. For a moment longer they could pretend this wasn't temporary. Adam's fingers gently moved around at the tattoo on Ronan's chest, circling it with his index finger.

“So you didn't just come for a wedding this time then,” he said.

“No, I didn't. I want to hit the American market harder, which means I have to actually talk to Americans. In America. They don't really like visiting a tiny island in Ireland for some reason.”

“What a bunch of assholes,” Adam joked.

It was quiet again all too quickly, and already Adam was feeling that ache of loss. This was such a mistake. One time was enough. One time he could forget. Twice though... The way he felt last night. The way Ronan touched him.

“Will you have any spare time between the meeting and your flight?” He winced, aware of how this sounded.

“I don't think so.” Ronan’s fingers were playing with his ear, stroking the edge and sending more chills down his spine. Even so, with Adam unaware what to say next he gazed at Ronan to find him gazing back.

This was overwhelming in the worst way possible. Playing with fire, it was. At once he forced himself off Ronan, ending the intimacy without a word, because he needed that bit of control in this. Ronan took the hint and cleared his throat, sitting up as well.

“I was going to make a joke to lighten the mood, but I don't think it will come out right,” he mused.

Adam smiled a little. “Say it anyway,” he said.

“No, because now you're aware it's a joke.”

Adam pushed at his closer hand, stroking the tops of his fingers to entice him to speak. “Say it,” he prodded. “You have to say it now.”

“I'm keeping it in my back pocket for a future time,” said Ronan, tilting his chin upward as if he was somehow doing something noble. Adam was not impressed.

“You're really not going to say it?” He frowned.

Ronan sighed when he saw the humor dissipate and he ran his hands over his head. “Okay, okay. Fuck, okay.”

“I've never seen someone have to psyche themselves up for a joke before.” Adam was biting his lower lip in a struggle not to laugh at how endearing it was Ronan was giving into him so easily.

Giving him a scowl with no heat behind it at all, Ronan stood from the bed and Adam’s attention averted to lingering on his frame, taking him in full. He was so beautiful Adam was unashamed to be staring, memorizing. His back tattoo was so big, black and dramatic. He barely had a view of it last night and now he could see it in full. Feathers and claws and vines and something Celtic in there too probably from what he could see. It was admittedly hard to concentrate when Ronan turned around, facing him now with his underwear placed back on.

“Thanks for the hand job,” he said in a rush. “I give it a six out of ten.”

Adam tilted his head to one side, not impressed. “That's the big joke?”

Ronan soured. “I told you it wasn't going to come out right.”

“You have such a weird sense of humor,” he teased.

“You seem to like it.”

That was the wrong thing to say. They both knew it. Adam did like his sense of humor, or well he tolerated it anyway. He definitely liked Ronan. A lot. That was the whole problem.

“So do I get to know the name of your beer?” Adam asked to change subjects. Ronan was still standing above him, not yet willing to move to do anything.

“You won't be able to find it,” he reminded him. “They don't sell it in most stores here.”

“Yet,” Adam added.

“You don’t even like beer, do you?”

“Who _likes_ beer?”

“Hey, that's my livelihood you're mocking there.”

Adam gave him another look as he concentrated on staring only at Ronan’s face, not allowing in the view of anything below his shoulders anymore. “You have to admit beer is kind of gross,” he said.

“Not mine,” Ronan argued.

“This is New York City,” he said. “I'm sure it's already being sold somewhere around here. Tell me the name and I'll find it.”

“The beer’s called Cabeswater,” said Ronan, almost like he didn’t want to say it. Adam didn’t want to touch on that.

“Cabeswater,” he said instead, repeating the word trying to figure out its origin. “That doesn't sound Gaelic.”

“It's not.”

Adam waited for a better explanation to that, but there didn't come one. Instead Ronan finished getting dressed and then looked over at Adam. His eyes stole a glance downward at Adam’s shirtless torso and his bare legs, and Adam silently prided himself on the fact Ronan was as hungry for him still as he was. Even if it was a bittersweet feeling.

“So…” Ronan wasn’t leaving. “See you at the next wedding,” he said. His jokes were less thought out this morning.

“Funny.” Adam yawned, unintentionally ideal timing.

“I never did get that hot dog, by the way.”

Adam arched his brow. Curious of him to mention it like this. “I’ll mail it to you,” he said, joking back at him.

“Gross.”

This was becoming unbearable, Adam thought. The obvious attraction towards each other, the obvious connection, and yet… Adam stretched toward Ronan, taking one last touch for himself by way of helping with his collar. The buttons were done all wrong.

“This friend thing didn’t last long, did it?” he said.

“I guess not,” Ronan admitted.

“Do you still want that?” Adam’s hands paused at Ronan’s neck.

“Do you?”

Adam wasn’t sure what he was expected to say. This felt like a test, and he did not like to fail tests. He answered honestly, unsure how Ronan wanted him to answer. “Yes,” he said. He would rather be a friend than nothing at all.

Ronan’s face was clouded with an unknown expression, and then he was pulling away.

“You have my email right?” he said.

“I do,” Adam nodded. At some point last night he remembered writing it down in his phone. “So retro,” he said, mocking him.

Ronan chuckled. “I’m not a big fan of phones and such,” he said. “Plus I lost my phone anyway, remember? So email me, yeah?” Effortlessly Ronan leaned in as if to kiss him, and Adam leaned in too, but when he saw the hesitation in Ronan’s eyes he pulled back. Like a guilty second place gesture Ronan took Adam’s hand instead, kissing at his palm. He felt a lump in his throat, unsure at all what they were doing. “See you.”

“See you,” Adam said back, watching Ronan leave.

Quietly he shut the door behind him, and when Adam was alone he swiped a tear that had fallen down on his cheek with the back of his hand.

Not one minute later was there at a knock at his door, a familiar tempo that led Adam to believe Blue was awake.

“Come in, Blue,” he said.

She opened the door with a hand over her eyes.

“You decent?” she asked.

“I’m wearing boxers,” he noted, shifting the sheets around so Blue had somewhere to sit. She opened her eyes and immediately bounded over to sit at the foot of the bed across from him.

“You missed a lot after you left,” she said.

He barely had time to comprehend the night he had let alone the night he didn’t, but he waved her on.

“Enlighten me.”

“First, Travis came back and he and Orla got into this _huge_ fight. In the middle of the dance floor. Gansey had to drag him off to talk him down. It was stupid. Orla's passed out in my room, by the way, so shh. She got super drunk and so I brought her here after everything.”

“Is she okay?”

“She's fine.” Blue started to look around the room, and Adam didn’t really want her to see the state of it in full.

“Is that it?” he asked, and her attention was returned to him.

“No, Cheng’s mad at you for ditching your speech,” she said.

“Shit.” Adam completely forgot. He put his hands to his face. “I’m such an asshole.”

“No you’re not,” Blue groaned. Slowly she peeled his hands down from his face. “It’s fine. Noah and I covered for you.”

“I’m sure you did,” Adam said, a tiny smile forming in place of the lump in his throat. “I can only imagine what you two said in your speeches.”

“Beautiful, tear jerking stuff, you butt.” She shoved at him playfully and his smile grew a little more.

“So did you get Gansey’s number?” he asked her.

“None of your business,” she said all too quickly, and then begrudgingly added. “Yes.”

Adam smiled wider.

“No, don’t!” She pointed a finger at him, upset. “He’s incredibly annoying and thinks way too highly of himself.”

“But you like him anyway,” he finished for her.

She moaned. “Maybe,” she said with disdain. “It was one night and I was hungover. We're supposed to get dinner next week, so I'll hold my judgment until then.”

“Mm.”

“Don't look at me that way.” She narrowed her eyes at him.

“I'm not looking at you any type of way,” he said.

“Please......” She was far more awake than he was, and far more feisty, rolling her eyes while he wanted to simply go back to sleep. “As if you aren't also potentially starting something new with someone.”

“I wouldn't go that far.” He pulled his sheets closer to his chest. “Last night wasn’t supposed to happen. We planned on staying friends.”

Blue gave him a look that said _good luck with that_.

“Now _you're_ looking at me funny.”

“I'm not saying a word.” Her hands were raised like she was committing surrender.

“Good.” Adam frowned at her. “Because there's nothing to say. I'm fine with just being his friend.”

“Are you though?” she asked.

“I am.”

“Are you though?”

He opened his mouth to at first continue arguing more, until he realized just how wide awake Blue was, who was known to be less of a morning person than him.

“Wait, how are you even awake right now?”

“I never went to sleep.” She said it so nonchalantly it was impressive. “Orla kept me up all night with her incessant Travis talk. I’m three coffees deep into this day already. Noah found this by the way.”

It was clear by this point this was what Blue came in for in the first place, handing over what was visibly Ronan’s cell phone. It felt like having a bomb in his bed.

“Why are you giving it to me?” he said, pushing it away. “Gansey can get it to him easier than I can.”

“Oh, I'll give it to him. But you should see his lock screen.”

He was surprised Blue was pushing this. “Isn't that invading his privacy?”

Blue rolled her eyes. “Just look, will you?”

And Adam hesitated. This was several layers of wrong and he was going to hell if he looked, but then Blue reached for it anyway and he jerked for it at the same time instinctively, and his hand managed to touch at some button or another, accidentally lighting the screen up.

“Oh.” It was not what he expected. A picture of Ronan with a little girl, blonde and spritely. The way he held her, the way he looked at her in the photo, it was obvious. He has a daughter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what did you all think…. leave a comment or find me on my side tumblr [cabeswatergreywaren](http://www.cabeswatergreywaren.tumblr.com) : )  
> rip that was my first smut I’ve ever written I kept blushing as I wrote it lol  
> also I would like to thank lydia-st-james/rachel for reading the chapter beforehand!! I appreciate it so much <3


	3. The Shopping of Adam Parrish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “This seems much more you,” Adam considered aloud.
> 
> “Fuck off, Parrish,” Ronan said with a laugh.
> 
> “The suits confused me before,” Adam continued, “but it all makes sense now.”
> 
> To this, Ronan rolled his eyes, twisting toward him to brush their shoulders again. “You look nice, too, Parrish,” he said.
> 
> Adam had to struggle to restrain himself. Friends friends friends, he reminded himself. His hands were dug deep into his pants’ pockets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter brought to you by "cry" by carly rae jepson, in which i cried

Emailing back and forth with Ronan did not help Adam at all when coping with the fact this relationship between them was stagnant. It made his feelings for him worse. Though their emails were far and few between, every time Ronan's email address appeared in his inbox that day was a little bit brighter. Their emails said nothing and everything. Adam learned Ronan had terrible taste in music, but he made himself listen to every song recommendation anyway. He learned Ronan's mom liked to take cruises around the world, an ethereal thing that couldn't stay in one place too long anymore. He learned Ronan left gaps in the retelling of his life where Adam now could see a small blonde girl could fit, and he wondered why it was he wouldn't just come out and say he had a daughter. It wouldn't matter to him, to know this about Ronan. In fact it opened his eyes a little as to why such apprehension on his part, but Adam wasn't going to bring her up first and he was starting to get a little worried Ronan was never going to bring her up at all.

Adam’s friends noticed this strange and infrequent exchange of dialogue between Ronan and Adam, all of whom made it their business to give him advice. Without an invitation, Adam might add. That was usually how things were done in their circle.

"I think you should get on a plane and fly over there and ask him what's what." Henry started one night, a little drunk and fresh from his honeymoon with Henry B. It was after work a month after their wedding, they were all out for dinner, with a few new additions to the table.

"Adam doesn't fly, remember, Cheng?" Blue said, cutting him off from across the table. Beside her, Gansey, one of the new additions, sat straight with surprise. "You don't fly?"

"It's not that big of a deal. Why does everyone make a big deal out of it?"

"I've never flown either," said Blue, shrugging.

"Don't tell me you drive home when you go back to visit?" Gansey asked between the two of them.

"I don't go back," Adam said with a shrug.

Blue patted Gansey on the cheek, rolling her eyes. "Not all of us have sisters with their own private helicopters, Dick."

When she called him that he became flustered, not a fan of the nickname in the slightest but apparently unable to tell Blue to stop. His cheeks flushed when she then whispered something in his ear.

"Wait, your sister has a private helicopter?" Orla peeked her head into the conversation, the other addition to the group. Gansey looked across from Blue to her, and nodded.

"Yeah, she can fly it herself, too."

"Introduce us please and thank you. I want to ride in a private helicopter."

"You can meet her at the Halloween party I'm throwing in a couple weeks. Remember, you're all invited," Gansey said, smiling at everyone round the table. He sometimes tried too hard to get everyone to like him now that he and Blue were dating, and this was one of those times. Throwing a huge Halloween bash somewhere expensive and elaborate in the city on Halloween night, where costumes were a must. Adam was still debating whether or not he was going, for practical reasons. Work was the next morning. He didn't own a costume. He didn't usually do Halloween. Ronan wasn't going to be there. Alright, the last one wasn't practical, but it did taint the evening as less than enticing. Much like this one, when just before the hostess came back to seat them at their table he got another email from Ronan and didn't get a chance to read it.

"I think he's just stringing you along," said Orla, and Adam realized they were back on him again. "Stop responding to him. Delete his email. Make a point you're done being used."

Gansey put his hands to his ears. "I'm not hearing this. La la la la. Impartial. La la la."

Blue laughed at his absurdity and pulled his hands down out of his ears, 

"He's not using me," Adam groaned. "And I don't want to talk about this anymore. My love life is strictly off limits now. Alright?"

"But see now we have someone on the inside," said Noah, motioning to Gansey, who genuinely looked like he wanted nothing to do with this conversation.

"Inside? This isn't a bank heist," said Henry B. "Although that would be cool, wouldn't it? Parrish's Six. Wait, are there six of us? One... two... three...."

"Why is it my six? And there's seven of us, Broadway."

"Because you're obviously the Clooney of the group," said Blue.

Adam had to laugh at that, at the absurdity of his friends.

"My point," said Noah, interjecting himself back into the conversation, "was that Gansey's best friends with Ronan, right? Couldn't you talk to him?"

"No," both Adam and Gansey said simultaneously. They looked at each other a second, curious why the other said the word so defiantly. Gansey spoke up first.

"I don't meddle with his life like that," he said. "Well, not anymore. Last time I tried he threatened to break all ties with me and he actually managed it for several months until I annoyed him enough to get back into his good graces again. I'm not risking it again, even if I really do like Adam. Sorry, Adam."

"I don't want you to meddle," he said. "I know what Ronan and I are, and I'm fine with it-"

Everyone at the table groaned at once, sans Gansey who looked over at him from across the table, soft and sympathetic. He knew Ronan best, better than Adam could with the way Ronan was holding him at a distance.

"By the way, I'm getting divorced," Orla said seated beside him, who then sipped some of her wine as everyone else turned their attention to her and her news.

The night went on. Adam's friends stopped talking about Ronan, but Adam never could stop thinking about him. No matter how much he tried. Orla and Travis were divorcing when they realized they just didn't click, had little to nothing in common and not even in the way some relationships can work. After that, the topic returned to a more neutral one that all could participate in safely, which was each of them complaining about work, and the night went on again.

When it was time to go home they each hugged goodbye, Orla getting the majority of the hugs. She put her hands to Adam's face and told him, "If he won't put in the time for you it isn't worth it," she said, and while deep down Adam knew she was right there were other factors involved. A little girl. An ocean. Adam's own reluctance to admit how much he wanted Ronan out loud.

He hugged her goodbye last, and then took a taxi home with Gansey and Blue. The trio squished in the backseat together, Gansey in the middle, Blue asleep on his side opposite Adam. It was a tight fit, but they managed to make it work.

Halfway back to Blue and Adam's apartment, Gansey leaned into him and whispered quiet enough not to wake Blue, "Don't take it personal."

Adam turned to him, confused. "Don't take what personal?"

"Ronan."

Adam weighed his options: talking to Gansey could prove fruitful in learning more information on Ronan, but it was also information Ronan himself did not agree to give. He wanted to know a way to get closer to him, but he also didn't trust that the information he would receive from Gansey wouldn't be biased in some way that could blemish the information.

"I really don't want to talk about it anymore, Gansey," he said. “My friends scrutinize it more than they should. I’m happy being friends with him. I honestly wish they would stop talking about it. They make it worse than anything, and while I know that’s not their intention… Sorry. I’m tired.”

“Completely understand,” said Gansey, and he dropped the subject just like that, turning to Blue to pull her in tighter to his side. Her hand came up to rest on his shoulder closer to Adam, eyes still closed. They didn’t talk the rest of the taxi ride home. Adam instead observed the two, their simple gestures speaking volumes as Gansey ran a hand over Blue’s back, Blue tucked into his side like they’ve done this a million times already, and perhaps they have. Two months and they were basically an old married couple already, quick to familiarize themselves around each other. Adam was happy for Blue, if not a little sad at the knowledge they, too, were going to get married at some point. With the way their relationship escalated so fast, he wouldn’t put it past them to marry within the year.

Back at the apartment Adam was swift to put in his headphones on the off chance Blue wasn’t as tired as she appeared in the ride home, and immediately he took out his phone and opened up his emails. First he made sure to get all the business and other personal emails out of the way, saving Ronan’s for last so he could take his time.

 

From: greywaren@yahoo.com

To: parrish.adam7@gmail.com

Subject: quick q

 

**hey i'm coming to ny in a few days. more meetings. will u b free to grab lunch? if u haven't gotten sick of me yet.**

 

Adam didn't know what to say. The invitation was plain, little to interpret. Lunch. Not dinner. Not drinks. Not even 'hang out'. Lunch. His heart was racing anyway, struck in the chest like a heart attack.

 

From: parrish.adam7@gmail.com

To: greywaren@yahoo.com

Subject: RE: quick q

 

**Hi, Ronan.**

 

**Yes, I'll be available to meet up for lunch. It would be good to see you again. Email doesn't hold up your humor very well. I'm glad you're doing more meetings here, as I assume that means your venture with the beer people here is going well, and that's always nice to hear.**

**As for getting sick of you, only time will tell. :)**

**See you then.**

**-Adam**

 

It took two hours debating whether or not to send that stupid little smile, but Adam was compelled to go with his gut and his gut told him the smile made the joke clear. If Ronan saw it as flirting, well, that was just his interpretation.... Clearly.... 

 

\--

 

Work that Wednesday was going by at a snail’s pace, Adam constantly checking the clock until it was time for lunch. It was excruciating how time did not move when he wanted it to, and while he knew he technically could take lunch whenever he wanted he told Ronan to meet him at one and so that’s the time he allotted for his break. It was nine am and already Adam was nervous with the anticipation, excited that after another two months he was going to see the Irishman again.

Ronan was terrible about sending images to him, although Adam managed to send a few himself, a couple selfies and one of Gansey when he rode the subway for the first time with Blue, mortified by the sight of a rat on the steps. In his anticipation, Adam was distracted by the two images Ronan managed to send to him in their months of correspondence, one of a lamb with Ronan’s arm visible in the shot, holding it probably for the picture, and another of a sunset on the farm, a picture that inspired Adam to look at ways to cope with fear of flying until he reminded himself they were only friends.

Friends. A strange word, holding so much meaning and yet at times it held no meaning at all. Blue and Noah were Adam’s friends. Henry and Henry were Adam’s friends. Orla and Gansey were new, but they were also Adam’s friends. Ronan did not fit into the same category as them. He couldn’t. He shouldn’t. The reaction Adam had to every email from him, every smile, every thought of him, these were not friendly. That’s what they had to be, though, and so Adam had to alter the word’s meaning in his head to be able to fit the context of his relationship with Ronan. That was all he could do.

The hours dragged on and for once Adam did not have much to do at work, having finished early yesterday in anticipation of today. When it finally hit one p.m., Adam paused his work and clocked out for lunch, quick but not too obvious with his glee.

Outside his work he waited on the steps a moment and took out his phone to see if Ronan emailed him his arrival. They still did not exchange numbers, an odd thing for anyone else, but Adam could tell that Ronan's phone was mainly used for family only and barely at that, he said.

After a few minutes Adam looked up from his phone to scan the street again and immediately felt himself grin unrestrained, staring down at the familiar face looking up at him. Ronan was standing at the bottom of the steps, smiling back a little reserved, perhaps even shy. At once, Adam started charging down them until he was at level with Ronan, so close he could smell his cologne.

It was visible between them an uncertainty on how to greet. This was different than the past two encounters, intentional and structured. "Friends" Adam reminded himself. He reached for a hug and at the same time Ronan a handshake. They faltered, stumbling and bumping into each other awkwardly. Together there was laughter, nervous and shaky. He thought 

those emails would make this easier. It didn't appear to work that way.

After some hesitation Adam tried again, reaching for a hug. Ronan accepted, hugging him back. He was strong and broad shouldered, reaching around and hugging Adam tight against him with his arms wrapping around his mid torso. His face was pressed against the crook of Ronan's neck, Ronan's against his head, and for the few spare seconds they embraced this was everything. It was easier to let go than Adam expected, and when they did he tucked his hands into his pockets, watching Ronan mirror him to do the same. Maybe the emails were helping in some way, if not the way he wanted.

"It's good to see you," said Adam first, realizing they had not yet greeted each other with words. All he wanted to do was greet Ronan with looks and touch, forgetting the rest, but words were what friends used. Words were what were expected. "Where do you want to go for lunch?" he asked, and he motioned down the street with one hand. "I know a good sandwich shop nearby, or we can go somewhere that's a sit down place. It's up to you."

"The sandwich shop sounds fine to me," said Ronan. His eyes were raking across Adam as Adam's were over him. Two months without much solid imagery of the other made for a lot of visualization, and having him here in the present, Adam wanted nothing more than to reach out and feel him but he kept his hands to himself and refocused his eyes to Ronan's face.

"Great." So he started the motions towards the end of the block. "It's this way.” Suddenly his body was hard to manage, and he felt like he was walking strangely, moves foreign and unnatural. The things Ronan did to him without even trying. His presence was enough to unnerve him, and yet the Irishman walked so casual, so cool, as if nothing were the matter at all. Every step Adam made was practiced and careful, and every step Ronan seemed to make to match was chaotic and carefree. Annoying.

The weather this October afternoon was still fairly warm, but enough of a breeze existed to allow Adam the thrill of wearing longer sleeves and slacks and not sweat profusely in them. Still, he could feel himself beginning to perspire as Ronan brushed their shoulders casually together, and he noted the lengthy look he was receiving as Ronan conspicuously inspected him.

“So this your work get up, I see,” he said, motioning with his eyes down the length of Adam. Adam didn’t realize until then that Ronan remembered to stand on his hearing side, or maybe that was pure coincidence.

“It is,” he said, noting his outfit himself. It wasn’t that much different than what he wore to the two weddings. His work shirt was tucked into his slacks collar a little undone, and he wore no jacket because his work didn’t require one. In turn, his eyes raked down Ronan, taking him in fully. “This what you wore to your meeting?”

Ronan was visibly amused by this, shaking his head. His outfit was vastly different to the suits Adam last saw him in, as he now donned a leather jacket and a distressed band tee belonging to one of those terrible EDM bands he liked. His jeans were tight, topped off with clunky looking black boots that had seen better days.

“Yes, I went to my very important meeting wearing this,” he said, running a hand over his stomach to a point Adam had to refocus on the sidewalk. “I changed my clothes as soon as I could. I don’t like to wear a suit longer than I have to, and I hate having to wear a tie. Too formal.”

“This seems much more you,” Adam considered aloud.

“Fuck off, Parrish,” Ronan said with a laugh.

“The suits confused me before,” Adam continued, “but it all makes sense now.”

To this, Ronan rolled his eyes, twisting toward him to brush their shoulders again. “You look nice, too, Parrish,” he said.

Adam had to struggle to restrain himself. _Friends friends friends_ , he reminded himself. His hands were dug deep into his pants’ pockets.

The shop was just around the corner, a place Adam frequented often when he wasn’t brown bagging it for lunch. It was relatively cheap but was not made cheaply, the shop owner a sandwich connoisseur if there were such a thing. Its convenient location to his work was only an added bonus, and when he walked inside the shop owner registered him immediately.

“Mr. Parrish! Welcome, welcome. Your usual, I assume?”

“Yes, please, Mr. Figuero. Lynch?” He looked over at him to see him staring back already, clearly admiring the fact he was familiar with the owner enough he knew his order by heart. “Ronan?”

“I’ll have whatever he’s having,” he said.

“You sure? You don’t even know what’s on it.”

“I’m sure,” he said, and then he slid past Adam toward the cash register, “and I’m paying.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

Adam did not need him to buy his food. “Ronan.”

“Adam.” Even with his childish grin, Adam told himself he could be resisted. Even with those bright blue eyes. Even with the tattoo peeking out of his shirt collar and doing unthinkable things to him with its quiet presence.

Adam wanted to continue to remain firm, say no, and not let him pay. Technically he still owed Ronan a hot dog, but that was not something he was going to bring up now, in front of Mr. Figuero.

They were holding up the line, which was the only reason he relented, that and maybe, just maybe, because he knew Ronan would never ask for anything in return for this. It was simply a sandwich. Years of being able to afford things himself and sometimes he still got upset when someone else wanted to pay, feeling like he was making a commitment with the act, like he was going to owe them something later.

But with how much he already knew about Ronan, he knew he wasn’t going to ask for anything later, and so he eased into a seat by the window across from him, glancing out at the people walking past the shop. After a while Ronan quietly got up again and returned a moment later with waters and their sandwiches, pushing one of each toward Adam’s side of the tiny table.

As he began unwrapping his, Ronan casually bumped his feet against Adam’s under the table. Both of them had long legs so it wasn’t entirely unexpected, but when it happened Adam nearly jolted out of his seat and onto the floor. His saving grace was a bug passing by the window, which he pretended was the cause, swatting at it with a lazy gesture.

“What are you going to do when Blue moves out?” Ronan asked, taking a peek into the interior of his sandwich while Adam started to unwrap his own. Adam paused, looking up at him. The question was confusing.

“Have you heard something I haven’t?” he said.

“Not really,” said Ronan. “It’s only time, though, don’t you think? Before they move in together? They’ve already said I love you.”

Adam didn’t hear about this. Blue didn’t bring Gansey and her relationship up much with him, a private thing between them but clearly not to Gansey. There was also the consideration that both her and Adam were aware that her relationship with Gansey was shorter than his whatever this was with Ronan, and yet they apparently were already in the I love you stage. Meanwhile it was impossible for him to even get Ronan to email him back within the same day.

“I haven’t thought about it.” Adam quietly bit into his sandwich, letting the jalapenos burn his mouth into silence. He forgot to warn Ronan about them until it was too late, and Ronan was biting deep into his sub. At once Ronan gasped and let the bite fall down onto the wrapping on the table, sputtering as his mouth was probably burning. He quickly sipped at some water, although from past experiences Adam knew water to be useless when fighting against spice. When that didn’t work Ronan sat there with his mouth held open, breathing shallowly in and out of it, eyes shut tight in a wince. He did not move, not even a twitch of a hand.

“See, this is why you don’t blindly copy someone’s sandwich choices,” Adam teased, feeling better already without Ronan intentionally doing anything.

“Fucking warn a guy next time,” he said, “before you burn his taste buds off like this. Jesus Mary and Joseph motherfucking Christ on a stick. Shit shit shit shit. How do you eat this every time?”

“I built up my tolerance to spicy food,” said Adam, struggling not to laugh outright at Ronan’s painful experience with what Mr. Figuero once referred to as “the pain sandwich.” It was spicy pastrami, with spicy mustard, hot sauce, jalapenos and even spice-flecked cheeses. It was not healthy at all, but it tasted great, and Adam was not surprised Ronan was having trouble chewing it. “Do you want to get a different sandwich? No judgment if you do.”

“Nah,” and Ronan bit into the sandwich again, a smaller bite this time Adam noticed. “I can handle it. It’s not that bad.” He was wincing again as he pushed through, eyes starting to water. Stubborn, stubborn man.

“You should get milk instead of water,” Adam suggested, when the water was still doing nothing for the heat and it was clear Ronan wasn’t going to stop even if his jaw fell off. “It helps with the burn.”

Ronan groaned and said nothing, as if he was being put out with the offer. After a couple more bites and silent suffering, however, he relented and went to buy a milk to replace his water, drinking half of it before he even tried for another bite.

“What’s even in this? I can’t feel my mouth.”

“Ronan, you don’t have to eat it.” Adam reached to push his hands down from his face.

“I can eat it,” he said, moving out of Adam’s reach.

“I won’t judge you,” he said. “Only one other person has ever been able to eat it that I’ve had try it. Blue couldn’t even handle it, although that’s mainly because she hates pastrami.”

“Really?” Ronan arched his brow. This had his full attention. “Who was it?”

“You wouldn’t know him,” Adam muttered, glancing back down at his half eaten meal. He wasn’t about to say that once he took a date here because it was the only place he could think of, the date tried the sandwich and didn’t hate it and that that was the literal highlight of the entire evening. No, he wasn’t going to say that at all.

Thankfully Ronan appeared to take the hint and went silent, or else the jalapenos numbed his mouth enough at this point he couldn’t speak. He suffered in silence a little more until finally he took his last bite, amusingly satisfied there was nothing left to hurt his mouth.

“Fuck,” Ronan muttered, finishing off his milk and then moving back onto his water. His eyes were still a little red and wet around the edges, his mouth likely mauled by the heat of the peppers. “You actually like that?”

Adam earnestly nodded, smiling as Ronan looked at him impressed. “What do you normally get on your sandwich? No, don’t tell me. Simple cheese, turkey probably, and then mayo.”

“Are you shaming me for my basic sandwich choices? Have we reached this point in our friendship?” Ronan was grinning.

“I’ll admit I am astonished you ate that whole thing,” he said. “Normally I don’t even eat the whole thing at once. I save the second half for later.”

“You-?” Ronan noticed Adam had wrapped up his second half and left it alone. “You fucker. I can’t feel my tongue anymore.”

“Oh, hush,” Adam waved him off. “You did it to yourself.”

Under the table Ronan gently kicked at him with his boot, and then left his leg between Adam’s like it was a casual thing. All at once Adam was aware of every nerve ending in his body, from his scalp to the soles of his feet. He was awake and tingling and hating how open spaced Mr. Figuero’s shop was. With effort he leaned into the table, trying not to reach over it completely and take Ronan’s mouth to his. It was easier knowing Ronan probably wouldn’t be able to feel the kiss anyway. His own mouth was admittedly a little stung.

Ronan’s legs shifted around his, locking him in place, either intentionally or unintentionally, at this point he did not care. He made a point not to look at the clock on the back wall or check his phone for the time. There was no reason to ever leave this place.

Casually Ronan sipped at what little water he had left, making the sounds with his straw as he forced his way through the ice. Adam focused a little too much and a little too long on his mouth, until he registered he was speaking to him.

“So I hear you've been invited to Gansey's Halloween party,” he said, and Adam was returned to the present.

“Are you going?” He made a point to sound nonchalant about it.

Ronan shook his head and Adam lost all interest in the party. “Can't,” he said. “Other plans.”

Oh, right. Ronan’s daughter. Those must be his other plans, Adam thought, and he wanted to ask but knew better than that. Reaching that subject would take some skillful and subtle alterations of topics, as he was not going to bring her up first.

“Are you going?” Ronan asked, and Adam shrugged.

“Haven't decided yet. Never been one to celebrate Halloween.”

“Why not?” Unlike everyone else who has ever heard this, Ronan did not react with complete shock and demand for backstory. Adam liked that about him.

He shrugged again, elbows pressing into the tabletop, feeling the weight of himself on the plastic as one of Ronan’s legs accidentally grazed upward on his when it shifted. “Wasn't a big priority in the Parrish household,” he said. “Waste of money and time.”

“Well now you've got plenty of both to waste,” he said, the way he said it strangely humorous, “so I would say go.”

“I don't have a costume.” Adam wasn’t even sure what he would dress up as. There were so many options these days it was overwhelming, and since he had never done this before, there was nothing to refer to as a fallback option from a past year. What did people even dress up as these days? Were pirates still cool? Transformers?

Ronan had set down his cup and sat up in his seat. “Clearly God gave me that meeting for a reason,” he said seriously, “so I can help you find the perfect costume to wear.”

“Can't. I have work.” It wasn’t that Adam wouldn’t have minded spending more time with Ronan, but the thought of undressing at any stage today with Ronan less than a hundred feet away was clearly not going to end well.

“After work then?” Ronan offered. He wanted Adam to go to this party more than Adam wanted to go, it felt like.

“I have to go to Ikea,” Adam said. It felt like he was making up excuses at this point, and maybe in a way he was. If eating a sandwich with Ronan felt inappropriate, he couldn’t imagine what being surrounded by beds would do to him. “I'm buying a new sofa,” he said.

“New sofa, huh?”

“I broke our old one.”

Ronan's brow raised. Unsurprising the immediate thought to Ronan’s head was likely as inappropriate as the current ones inside Adam’s.

“Yes, I had sex on a sofa I share with my roommate and broke it from how rough it got,” he said dryly. The lack of expression or tone in his voice had Ronan fidget with the straw in his cup, his gaze falling down to stare at the ice melting inside the plastic.

“Not surprised,” he said simply back. There was hesitation between them until he could see him physically biting back a smirk.

Adam twitched a smile, hating how the littlest most ridiculous things Ronan said or did could lift his spirits more than anything else. It was unfair, as he started drinking more of his water to give himself something to do. To occupy his mind with something other than the feeling of Ronan’s legs still touching his under the table, and how close his one hand was to Adam’s on top of it. For a Wednesday afternoon, Mr. Figuero’s was surprisingly empty, allowing Adam the luxury of being alone with Ronan without being completely alone. At some point Mr. Figuero disappeared into the back of his shop, leaving them the small privacy an empty sandwich shop could offer. He was only adding onto the torture of this by leaning further into the table enough his feet moved a little up Ronan’s legs just past the ankles.

“I could use a second opinion, though, if you’re not busy,” he said, acting as if it wasn’t the first thing to come to his mind the minute he thought of the sofa.

“I’ll have to check my schedule.” And Ronan was pulling out his phone from his back pocket. Adam was dumbfounded.

“You just—”

Ronan immediately put his phone away without even glancing at the screen. “It’s clear. I can go,” he said.

Adam had to roll his eyes or else he was going to break into another smile. He hated this feeling. “You're impossible,” he said.

There was something to be proud of in that statement, apparently, as Ronan tilted his chin up with great stride, sitting straight with his shoulders pushed back. It only lasted a moment before he was slouched again, playing with the straw of his now empty cup, the squeaking sound the only real noise in the whole place. It cut through Adam’s thoughts like a knife, keeping him from thinking too deeply.

“Have you been seeing anyone lately?” When Ronan asked this he was staring at Adam directly, not hiding his eyes as Adam would’ve expected.

“Have I—?” Adam was in the middle of sipping his drink and he nearly choked on it. He could feel his drink go up into his sinuses and burn the back of his throat as he tried not to spit all over the table and Ronan. Then he started laughing. Giggling, actually, a word he would never have used to describe his laughter before. He was giggling, like a child, overwhelmed with a bout of hilarity he must have sounded like a hyena. His stomach was hurting as he pressed his face down toward the table, unable to hold his head up any longer. The plastic of the table was cold against his skin.

“What's so funny?” Ronan did not see the humor in this at all, and that only made this more hilarious to Adam. He was wheezing at this point, shoulders shaking, body taken over by the giggles.

“I—” Words could not be formed, only laughs.

The curmudgeon side of Ronan was becoming visible as he sat there fidgeting on his side of the table, pulling his legs free from Adam’s. When Adam looked up he could see Ronan was agitated, uncomfortable, but still he could not stop laughing. _Have you been seeing anyone lately?_ Was he that blind? Was he that foolish? Did he not know how wrecked Adam was by him, and the thought of anyone else was impossible? Fucking Ronan Lynch.

“You don’t have to laugh at me,” he huffed, arms folding across his chest.

Adam groaned and then giggled again. “I’m – Oh, that’s rich,” he said, struggling to speak. “Oh, boy. I’m not – I’m – Okay, I’m laughing at you a little, but…” He giggled again as Ronan turned to make eye contact. Ronan’s piercing eyes were lit with fire, annoyed, and Adam snorted. “Really?”

“What?”

“Nothing.” Watching Ronan overcome with discomfort was an easy fix to his laughs, as he watched Ronan try to come up with a response to him, coming up blank instead. The boy was flustered, and Adam got one last laugh in before he shook away the humor and returned to clear mind.

“I haven't been seeing anyone, no,” he said, and he almost lost it again. He had to pinch himself to stay sober of laughs. “I'm focusing on my work. Expected to get a promotion soon, so I'm looking forward to that.”

“Congrats.” Ronan said it with no bite, but he was still visibly confused and a little annoyed.

“It’s not official yet, but thank you.” Adam nudged him by his foot. “How about you? Are you…?”

“Nah.” Ronan’s arms fell back down to rest on the table, the last bit of whatever he was feeling dissipated in the act. “Like I said I'm not really in a place for anything right now.”

“Have you... been in relationships before though?” Adam asked him.

“You weren't my first time, Parrish, if that's what you're insinuating.”

Adam scoffed. “Not what I was asking, Lynch.”

“I've been in relationships, yeah,” Ronan said, almost reluctantly. His eyes were no longer willing to meet Adam’s, and Adam stole the opportunity to watch his face for reactions.

“How many?” he asked him.

“What's this with the twenty questions?” Ronan was flustered again, shifting around in his seat, turning so he wasn’t completely facing Adam with his body. His legs disappeared from under the table, giving them more space. “I feel like I'm on trial here.”

“I'm curious,” Adam admitted. “I've been in I guess three, maybe four relationships. But I've slept with more people than that.”

Ronan's face twisted with an expression undeniably inquisitive. “How many?”

“Let's see.” Because of Henry and Henry, Adam had to get accustomed quick to people probing into his love life with questions, so it wasn’t all too unfamiliar to him. Though he never openly discussed it before to his friends without them practically dragging it out of him, and even then it was still vague and curt. Adam was calculating in his head, staring at the ceiling as he thought. He could feel a slight heat on his face, but he pushed past it. For some reason he wanted to tell Ronan everything. Anything. “One… two… two, no three.” Three in high school, he counted on his fingers. It wasn’t that long ago but felt like centuries. Time moved so fast, filled with so much. “Then there was the fourth one… the fifth… Seven. Eight.” Five in college. “Nine. Ten.” Two outside of university, the last of which was sitting directly across from him and being unnaturally quiet. His gaze fell to see Ronan fiddling with the straw in his drink again, staring very determinedly at the floor.

“How many for you?” he asked.

“I don't want to say now,” Ronan mumbled.

“Why not?”

Ronan grunted. “Parrish.”

“Fine.” Suddenly time was a very present thing and Adam glanced at the clock on the wall to find he was well past the hour of his paid lunch. A minute ago that wouldn’t have mattered, and now he wanted to take his leftovers and go back to work to finish his project.

“I should get back to-”

“Three.”

“Pardon?” Adam tilted his hearing ear again toward Ronan. “I didn’t hear all of that.”

“ _Three_ ,” Ronan said resentfully, like he was being forced to say it out loud. His face was a little red – no, it was a lot red – and Adam was definitely _not_ endeared at how red he was getting. Alright, maybe a little.

“Three people?” He tried to figure out in his head if three was relationships or sexual partners, or possibly even both. “Wow.”

“Don’t make fun of me,” came out of Ronan quick, bitterly. Without thinking, Adam reached and placed a hand on one of Ronan’s.

“I’m not making fun of you!” he shouted, a little too loudly, but thankfully no one else was here. “I swear. Three is a solid number.”

“Yes, it is,” Ronan agreed, raising his chin high, but allowing Adam to remain touching his hand.

“Does that count what we did as something else?” Adam knew that it took a lot for Ronan to admit this much, yet he couldn’t stop asking. Ever the curious mind. Ever working. Never stopping.

“No, you're the third one,” Ronan mumbled.

“Oh.”

Adam's heart leapt to his throat. Ronan has only had sex with three people. And Adam was the third of three.

Ronan’s hand was pulled out from under his, and he shoved it down into his lap with the other one.

“See, this is why I didn’t want to say it,” he said with a groan. “You’re going to get weird—”

“I’m not going to get weird,” Adam cut him off. “I’m not weird. You were being weird a minute ago, though, but I’m not being weird. Okay, maybe a little, but not because of that.”

They were definitely being weird. Adam felt very strange inside, stranger than usual. Ronan was gracious enough not to deny he was being weird, too, as he settled into his seat.

“You’re number ten, by the way,” Adam muttered, avoiding eye contact as soon as he said it. “In case that wasn’t obvious.”

Even without looking at him he could feel Ronan perk up at the affirmation they hadn’t slept with anyone else since they slept with each other. “Okay,” he mumbled, acting as if he wasn’t feeling the same feeling currently stirring inside Adam. Muted delight.

After sitting there a while longer, changing subjects to safer ones like weather in Ireland and how the meeting with the beer people went, Adam begrudgingly had to go back to work.

There he settled in at his desk, set for the next four or so hours until his project was finished. It was close to being done, and then he would be out again to go sofa shopping with Ronan. A very dangerous activity, as any activity was when it included Ronan and no one else. The threat of something more was always present, whispered in between stolen glances and awkward smiles and teasing touches.

 

\--

 

Adam clocked out one hour later having finished four hours of work in only one after trying to force himself to work through the non-friendly thoughts incapable of escaping his head. Ronan was waiting outside again, same as before, visibly lifted at the sight of him coming down the stairs with his messenger bag.

“To Ikea?” he said, and Ronan nodded.

“I’ve never been.”

“You haven’t done a lot of things,” Adam noted. “I’m beginning to think you’re not real. A figment of my imagination.”

“Funny. Most people just make bad farm jokes instead.”

“I’m not like most people,” said Adam.

“That much is obvious.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” But Ronan would not say, no matter how much Adam tried to drag it out of him. The entire subway ride to Brooklyn was spent with him trying to tease it out of Ronan, even going so far as trying to tickle it out of him, only to find out Ronan was not ticklish anywhere practical. A small fact he pocketed away for a future time he hoped to have, to learn just where Ronan Lynch was ticklish.

Ikea was packed when they arrived, even for a Wednesday evening. Ronan was awestruck by the inside architecture of the place, how they had to go up to go back down. A maze for humans, which they went into willingly. Thankfully the store started at the living rooms, where Adam found the first available sofa and sat down immediately. Ronan took in the setting of the couch, located inside one of the sets built to give you an idea what your living room could look like their furniture.

“God, your living room is not this big,” said Ronan, as he sat down right next to him.

“I’m not here looking at living rooms, just couches,” Adam reasoned, not sure he understood the context of Ronan’s comment.

There was no clarification, instead arms stretched out on either side of Ronan at the back of the couch. He tilted his head back, shutting his eyes. Adam was bewildered by these acts, awed by him. This was the most uncomfortable sofa Adam ever sat in in his life, and Ronan seemed at home here. It was a cacophony of sounds that ached Adam’s head, and Ronan looked like he could fall asleep.

“Let’s try another one,” and Ronan was bounding off the sofa like it was on fire.

“What-?” This threw off Adam’s concentration. “I didn't get a chance to really feel it—”

“It's shit.” He pulled Adam to his feet before he could argue anymore.

Together they moved on to try several more sofas in the different living room sets, Ronan’s presence often putting people off from standing around in them any longer.

“Be nicer to strangers,” Adam told him. Ronan snorted.

“I’m good,” he replied.

“Last time you were nice to a stranger it worked out pretty well for you,” Adam joked, unsure why it was he would say a thing like that. Ronan glanced at him across the sofa and opened his mouth to say something, nothing coming out. It took Adam a while to realize a possible interpretation of the statement and he got up and started looking for another sofa to sit in without uttering another word.

This went on for a while, and slowly Adam started to forget they were at Ikea. Maybe they were actually at home. Adam leaned into him by the fifth one, and by the seventh Ronan had his arm over Adam’s shoulders. He even placed his feet on the coffee table.

“This isn’t really your living room, Lynch.”

“I know that, Parrish. Do you think I would decorate my living room with such shoddy workmanship?”

“Shut up.” Adam slapped at his shoulder. “This is the furniture they sell here.”

“It’s ugly.”

“Just because it’s not some fancy old Irish wood or whatever the hell you have at home, passed down five generations, doesn’t mean it’s ugly.” Adam glanced over at Ronan to see Ronan already looking at him. Quick, he looked away again.

“It’s ugly,” Ronan repeated.

This really did feel like home, only instead of arguing with Blue about world issues he was arguing with Ronan about… furniture. “So now you’re an expert in home furnishings?” he asked him.

“I have always been an expert.”

“Mm.” Adam could feel Ronan breathing at the nape of his neck as he was pressed against his chest with his back. They were playing with fire here. Furniture shopping was dangerous, Adam told himself.

“Come on,” Ronan finally said, breaking the spell again as he stood “Let’s go try another one.”

On the ninth sofa Adam had his head in Ronan’s lap, Ronan’s hand softly touching at his hair. He couldn’t remember how it came about, everything in this place blurring together into simple sensation and touch, but it was nice. His fingers were very gentle, careful not to hurt him.

“How is it on your back?” Ronan said to him from above. “Not too stiff?”

This was a very odd angle to rest at, gazing directly up at Ronan. If he moved his head even an inch he was afraid he would accidentally do something to Ronan he shouldn’t, so he remained very still.

“Why am I doing this again?”

“In case you want to lounge on it watching television,” said Ronan, as if that was the obvious answer.

“I don’t watch television.”

“You—You’re joking.” Ronan’s hand paused at his hair. That would not do, and he shoved at Ronan’s elbow enough to get his attention, gesturing to his head. It took a few seconds for him to get the message, resuming as before.

He rewarded him with an answer. “I don’t have the time or patience for it,” he said.

“Wait—when did you last go to the cinema?” Somehow this seemed very important to Ronan, who paused his hand again at his hair. This position was starting to get uncomfortable. How do people like this? he wondered. People were starting to come into their space, looking around at the other sofas around them, as they were no longer in the sets but the main floor.

“Cinema?” he repeated, softly mocking him.

“I’m guessing a long ass time ago,” said Ronan, not taking the bait at his teasing. “What the fuck do you do as leisure time?”

“Read.” Adam shrugged and felt Ronan still under him momentarily. At this he was reminded this position was not appropriate for a public place like this, but still he did not move, and Ronan did not ask him to. His fingers were starting to play in Adam’s hair again, playing with the bits that usually fell down in front of his eyes, tucking it back. Adam softened from the feeling, closing his eyes to the fluorescent lights above them. “Reading’s better than a movie,” he said. “I can build the story in my head how I want to. The writing’s usually better, too.”

“Shh.” One of Ronan’s fingers went to his lips to still them. “You don’t get to say that if the last movie you saw was ten years ago.”

“It wasn’t ten years ago.” He kept his eyes closed, letting Ronan feel unguarded enough to run his index finger across the length of Adam’s lower lip. It chilled him, nearly sending him straight to his feet. His whole body was telling him this was dangerous, and he did not dare listen.

“How far back then?”

“Mm. When did Transformers come out?”

“Ten years ago,” Ronan groaned.

Adam opened his eyes and then rolled them. “No, the one with Mike Willburn,” he said.

Ronan scrunched his face down at him. “Who the fuck is Mike Willburn?”

“The actor.” When it still did not click with Ronan, Adam added, “The one who used to be a singer or something.”

“Mark Wahlburg.” Ronan was laughing at him, but he didn’t care.

“Whatever. When was the last time you read a book?” Adam pointed up at him. “Magazines don’t count.”

“Last week,” Ronan said proudly. “I read ‘Everybody Poops.’ ”

“Ah, the classic. I have not yet had a chance to pick that one up, myself.”

“It’s a good read.” Ronan’s fingers were in his hair again, his fingernails tenderly scraping past his scalp. “So is ‘Go the fuck to sleep.’ ”

He had to have known that he was describing books meant for children, but at this point Adam did not care or dare think of the little girl waiting in Ireland for her dad. He felt guilty wanting him to stay a little longer, wishing he could keep him here past tonight. He was meant for somewhere else, even as Adam wished that somewhere else was here.

Hours felt to pass, but were more reasonably only minutes, when either of them said anything else. It was when Ronan was no longer brushing his hair, simply holding a hand to it again while the other rested on his chest, palm flat against his shirtfront.

“I think we’ve found your sofa,” he said.

“You know, I think you may be right.”

This was by far the most comfortable of the sofas, and it was quite possibly the last one left. Adam took Ronan speaking as a hint to sit up and he did, but not before Ronan gently touched at his hair a little longer. His hands fell off Adam’s person when he turned to see the name and number of the sofa for ordering, writing it down on his phone for later.

“How do we get out of here?” Ronan asked, looking around in a circle as he searched for the exit.

“Eager to get somewhere?” Adam asked.

“Not really,” but he was still searching. “It’s confusing in here. I feel overwhelmed with furniture. I’m afraid I’m going to refurnish my entire house before I leave.”

“I’ll stop you,” Adam said grinning, pulling him along by the hand.

Ronan didn’t let go when they moved through kitchens and bathrooms, pausing to inspect every single set. He wondered if he was silently planning a remodel anyway, curious what his house in Ireland looked like. Asking seemed out of the question, as a house could not hide the occupancy of a child, and eventually Ronan was going to slip up and Adam wasn’t entirely sure if he wanted him to anymore.

His life in Ireland was his own, separate from Adam, and he wanted so badly for his life here and Ronan’s life there to connect. It had now been four months since they first met and they were “just friends”, who sometimes held hands, who sometimes touched in unfriendly places, who sometimes held gazes so long Adam feared to blink.

Adam was confused and he was unsure if this was ever going to really go anywhere, or if his friends were right and that he needed to completely let go and move on. Everything was complicated, but when Ronan turned round with lights shaped like hearts and saying jokingly that they were not anatomically correct, he could feel himself being pulled towards Ronan again and again; unable to stop himself from preferring this complicated life to the easy one he could have with someone else.

He could live a relatively happy life with someone like Tad, but what he wanted was that feeling Ronan gave him every time he made a really pathetic joke. Even if all it amounted to was this.

“You need a new bed,” Ronan said once they moved past the desks and the desk chairs.

“Excuse me?”

“Felt like I was lying in a bed of rocks when I was in it.” To add to his statement Ronan stretched as if he had only just been lying in it now, pulling at his shoulders as if they were tense or aching. Dramatic.

“You seemed fine with it at the time,” said Adam.

“I didn't want to say anything, but we're here, so might as well try out some different beds while we're at it.”

Adam rolled his eyes, but allowed himself to be dragged into the next section over. There were rows and rows of beds in an assortment of sizes and decoration, some in more sets and some simply just positioned on the main floor. Adam went for the closest one to him on the main floor and lay down in it awkwardly, half on it with his shoes hanging off.

“How do you feel?” Ronan asked, gazing down above him and blocking the light from the closest fluorescent.

Adam didn’t see the point in this. “Like I’m lying in a bed used by countless other people and who knows what’s been done in this thing?” he answered honestly.

“Put that out of your mind,” Ronan said. Easy for him to say, Adam thought. “Is it comfortable?”

“Not really…” Adam found it too rough, and before he knew it he was dragged to his feet and guided to the next one.

“Try this one.”

Ronan pushed his shoulders down, forcing him to sit.

“Why are you so bent on having me try a bed?” he asked.

Ronan shrugged. That was perhaps the most honest thing Ronan said all day and he didn’t even say anything.

By the third bed, Adam managed to drag him down to lie with him, too. By the fifth bed they were as comfortable at this as they were on the sofas, sides flush against each other, trying it out as if they were really lying in Adam’s bed back at home. That there weren’t dozens of strangers in his room walking around and talking around them. A few people glanced their way, but Adam didn’t care. Ronan was all he could focus on, all he wanted to focus on.

On the sixth bed Adam turned onto his side and propped his head up by his arm, looking down at Ronan who was closing his eyes and starting to really take to this bed try out activity.

Pushing through the bout of nerves riddling his stomach, he reached out to touch at Ronan. Immediately he felt calmer when Ronan didn’t even flinch, allowing him the simplicity of touching around his stomach with the tips of his fingers. They glided around the curls of color in his shirt, following the pattern around his abdomen and chest, unable to stop himself from enjoying this and the way it made him feel inside. Calm like the end of a storm, coming down from the thunder and ravage rainclouds, leaving behind only a mist of rain in its wake. That was how he felt with Ronan, how he wanted to feel always.

“Tell me something I don't know about you yet,” he whispered. There were people around, some even looking expectantly at the bed they were on. Adam wanted to make it clear they weren’t leaving anytime soon but didn’t know how.

Below him Ronan’s eyes peeled open slowly, first taking in Adam’s heady gaze and then lowering to stare at where his hand was. One of his hands came to touch at Adam’s fingers.

“I really like your hands,” he answered.

“That's obvious. Something else.”

Talk about your daughter, he thought, hoping somehow a link between their minds had formed and that he could sense his statement. How was it that psychic’s minds worked again? Adam couldn’t remember. However it worked, it wasn’t working now.

“I feel like you know a lot already,” Ronan said.

“I'm sure there's plenty left to learn.” Adam's fingers moved to touch at the other man’s neck, where he could see the tips of wings on the sides peeking out from his back. “Like your tattoos. What do they mean?”

“I got it after my dad left. I was a much angrier person back then. It sort of represents me as a person, back then and even now. When I got it I thought it was like laying my soul bare almost.” He hesitated to continue, face reddening and eyes closing. “It sounds dumb—”

“No, it doesn't.” Cautiously he pulled at Ronan’s collar, enough to see more of the tattoo disappear down his back. The Irishman’s breath was unsteady as his fingers trailed where they could safely and appropriately reach. The tattoo was so intricate and detailed, he wanted to commit it to memory somehow. “Did you design it?”

Ronan could only nod.

“I wish I could see it again.”

“Trying to get my clothes off, Parrish?” His eyes stirred open. “Still can't get enough of me, huh?”

Adam delicately slapped him at his chest. “Shut up.”

Ronan looked ready to laugh but didn’t even bring himself to smile. Suddenly this was something serious again, the pair of them incapable of trusting their own boundaries. Their fingers interlaced, and there they lay on the bed, Adam lying down flat beside him. He could feel his heart against his wrist. It felt like they were beating in unison.

“What about this tattoo?” With one finger he poked at where he remembered it being on Ronan’s chest.

“I got that at another moment when my life changed, when it got better,” he said.

“Another piece of your soul?”

“Not really.”

“Its more colorful than your other one, I noticed,” said Adam, starting to see all the parts of Ronan’s life he knew nothing about. These four months revealed so little. He wanted to know all.

“It's a happier tattoo,” Ronan clarified. “You don't have any tattoos, do you?”

Adam gave him a look of astonishment. “You've seen every inch of this and you don't remember?”

Ronan flushed. “I wasn't exactly sparing time to inspect for one. You don't, though, right?”

“No. Never had reason for it before. I admire them though. They can be quite beautiful. Works of art. Just.... not on me.”

“Because you're already a work of art?” he said teasingly and Adam made a small sound of amusement, even though it was said almost too sincerely to be taken as a joke. Ronan noticed this too, burning redder and dropping his gaze.

“So, does this bed meet your requirements, or should we keep looking?”

“They're all shit.” Ronan sat up. The moment was over, apparently. Adam hated how sudden these moments could end. “We should probably go if we want to look at costumes for you.”

“See, I was hoping if we stayed here long enough the shops would all be closed and you would forget.” Adam followed after him, passing the rows of beds they hadn’t yet tried.

“Fat chance, Parrish,” said Ronan as they started making their way toward the exit sign. “Let's go buy your sofa, then go find you a costume.”

 

\--

 

After Adam bought the sofa and set up the delivery for it, they took the subway back into the main part of the city. Not long after they got in did the train cabin fill up fast, forcing them to scrunch together in their seat, little space available for anyone inside. Bodies were pushed against them from all sides, stealing all available air and forcing them close. Adam wasn't sure who initially started it, but at one point their hands sort of fell into each other, locked together to ground them. The sound of dozens and dozens of people talking over each other was overwhelming, the air stifling, and after a while Adam leaned into Ronan's side tucking his good ear against him and muting the rest of the world.

He was used to driving in the city these days, not having had to take the subway anywhere far in some time, but Blue needed it this week to visit family, so he was left with this. Which, in the grand scheme of things, wasn't so bad. Ronan's warm breath fanned his face, his hand kept him stable, and his shoulder kept him clear headed. His chin brushed against Adam's forehead. This was good. This was nice.

"Aren't you two just the most adorable couple," an old woman said from across he sea of legs, smiling at them through the space available.

"Thank you." "We're not a couple."

Adam looked over Ronan, and Ronan looked over at him. There was sudden discomfort in this, and Adam pulled from him enough to feel some of the discomfort fall away. He had been the one to clarify, unsure why Ronan would simply thank her.

The lady looked to sour at the sight of them separating, and Adam made a point not to look her way again the rest of the ride. He didn't want to see written on her face what he knew he inside felt, the way he suspected Ronan felt too which only made it worse. He wanted to shake him and tell him it was okay he had a child. Adam wanted him, all of him, and a child didn't change that at all. He wanted to know her, too. He was great with kids.

Instead they did not speak the rest of the train ride, looking different directions in the quiet of the chaos. Their hands remained together until their stop, when Adam stood up first and Ronan held onto his elbow to keep in pace with him.

Outside it was still noisy, but a softened disarray, the sounds of the city not filled in such a confined space that Adam could breathe again.

“You alright?” Ronan placed a hand on Adam’s shoulder. He immediately shrugged it off.

“I'm fine.”

“We don't have to go looking at costumes if you're not up for it.” There was genuine concern in Ronan’s face, but Adam didn’t want to see that right now. He avoided looking, walking on.

“I said I'm fine. Let's go.”

There was hesitation to follow after him, as Ronan stared after him, taking him all in and trying to read the situation. Adam didn't want to be read. Thinking was their biggest downfall. He knocked shoulders with him instead, gesturing with a crook of his neck ahead of them.

“Race you to the end of the block?” he said. “I win, and I get to choose my costume, if I even buy one.”

Ronan took the bait and his lips quirked. “What's in it for me?”

“You win and you get to choose my costume for me, and I have to go to the party in it.”

His face erupted with a full-fledged grin. That was as much of a handshake as Adam needed and he turned towards the end of the block, positioning himself to stand evenly on the sidewalk beside Ronan, ready to run at a moment’s notice.

“On the count of three,” he said. “One. Two. Three—”

Like a bolt of lightning, Ronan sprinted ahead of him before he even had a chance to start. For a moment, he forgot he was racing someone who spent all their time outdoors, while Adam was confined most of the time inside these days. It was not a surprise Adam did not win that race.

 

\--

 

It was officially night in New York City by the time they found a costume shop, and upon viewing of some of the available ones at the front Adam immediately tried to sneak back outside.

“Where are you going?” Ronan pulled him by the waist back inside. “You lost the race. You lost your choice of getting a costume.”

“Somehow you cheated,” Adam reasoned, trying to wriggle free of Ronan’s grip. The Irishman was annoyingly fit enough to hold him still. “I know you cheated, and when I prove it this bet is no longer viable.”

“In the meantime, try this one. And this one, too.” Ronan handed over to Adam four different costumes, all of which were laughably ridiculous.

“I’m not trying these on–” he started to say, but Ronan was already moving across the store to look at more costumes.

“Ronan,” he called out to him, but Ronan either couldn’t hear him or pretended he couldn’t, leaving him to stand there awkwardly in the middle of a rather populated shop. There was only one thing left to do, which was try on these bafflingly terrible outfits.

The first four costumes were outrageous. Doctor. Racecar driver. Gladiator. Wizard. Adam stood there staring at himself in the mirror wondering what exactly he was doing here, and why was it he was doing it. Before he had a chance to answer either question there was a knock on his stall’s door and he jumped.

“Occupied!” he said.

“I fucking know that,” said Ronan through the door. “Open up. I have more costumes. Come out wearing one first.”

“I’m not going to model them for you,” Adam groaned.

“Yes you fucking are,” Ronan called back through the door. As soon as he said it there were more costumes thrown over the top of the door to hang. “Here are the others. Are you wearing one yet?”

“What happens if I stay in this stall until closing?” Adam called back.

There wasn’t an answer to that and Adam thought this was some trick to get him to open the door and he wouldn’t. Then he saw the other costumes that were flung over the door being dragged off onto the other side again and he realized Ronan was taking them back.

“If you really don’t feel comfortable with this we don’t have to do it,” he said. “I thought you were a little bit into this.”

Adam groaned again and resorted to changing into the easiest and quickest costume out of the batch he had still with him, at once opening the door to prove to Ronan he did, in fact, enjoy this a little. The little bit of joy he got from this was the sight on Ronan’s face at him wearing a doctor’s uniform. He was sitting on a bench outside the changing rooms holding the pile of costumes on his lap, until he noticed Adam walk out of the stall, to which he responded by standing up and accidentally dumping those costumes all over the floor.

“You look like a marshmallow,” said Ronan. Adam didn’t even wait for any other criticisms before walking straight back into the stall to change into something else.

“No, wait—” Ronan caught Adam before he shut the door. “Take these ones, too.”

“There’s like ten more here,” Adam said, counting the heavy pile being deposited into his hands. “What the --? A gorilla? Really?”

Ronan shrugged. “Options. I don’t know what you want me to say. Maybe I’ll like it best.”

“Please.” Adam gestured to the skimpiest outfit of them all, the bag labeled “beach bum”. “You probably will end up picking this one for me to wear.”

“Pffffft…. No….”

Adam disappeared back into the stall and changed into the gorilla costume next, a cumbersome thing that enveloped every inch of his person including his face and hands. He could barely see when he opened the door and looked out at Ronan still sitting there patient, half paying attention as he was texting someone on his phone. Adam awkwardly staggered into him, trying to knock at his leg but instead kicking someone else instead.

“Oh my god I’m so sorry,” Adam shouted through the plastic of the mask, unsure if he was even clear enough for the person to hear. They mumbled something back, impossible to hear through the mask as well, but Ronan was laughing so it must not have been that bad whatever it was.

“Not funny,” Adam said, kicking the right person this time.

“I didn’t think you would actually try this one on!” Ronan roared with laughter and Adam kicked at him again, but he didn’t seem to care, laughing harder. “Oh wow, I may just pick this one for you because you look so funny in it.”

“Funny how?” Adam said, hoping his withering tone was noticeable through the plastic.

“Just funny,” said Ronan. “I have to take a picture.”

“No one will notice it’s even me, so go ahead.”

But Ronan pulled the mask off and snapped a picture before Adam could argue or turn around.

“You dick!”

“I’m sending this to Gansey.”

“Don’t you dare! He’ll show Blue!” Adam jumped for Ronan’s phone but Ronan had both height and lack of a gorilla costume on him, and Adam was agile enough to work with the added weight bogging him down.

“Sent,” Ronan grinned, and Adam slapped at him several times until he got the message.

“You suck,” he groaned, turning back to the stall to change.

“I didn’t actually send it, Jesus,” Ronan laughed, touching at himself where Adam had pushed.

“You are not funny.” Adam grabbed the mask from his hand. “If I catch you taking any more pictures I’m leaving.”

“Fine. Fine. Spoilsport.” He placed his phone into his back pocket. “No more photos. Now will you please go try on another costume? I can’t take you seriously in that.”

Adam glanced down at himself and then rolled his eyes, wobbling back into the stall to change. Inside he had a grin on his face, impossibly wide, which disappeared again as soon as he went back out in another outfit, and there the teasing started all over again.

The teasing continued through every costume, Ronan always mocking or Adam pointing out an issue and Ronan chiding him for hating it. When they went through the first pile Ronan appeared again with a second, exhaustingly large but full of more range than the first.

“Where are you even finding these?” he asked, looking around.

“They have a lot of costumes here,” said Ronan. “What, did you think I went to a second shop and brought these back for you to try on?”

“Now I do,” and Adam went to try them on.

“Paranoid…” Ronan stopped the door from shutting all the way. “I _may_ have asked for some of the supply in the back, but only because I want the very best for your first Halloween.”

“You asshole.”

Ronan shut the door cheerily.

He was halfway through the second batch when Adam was starting to notice the lack of messages from his friends. Blue was supposed to be texting him about how it went having Gansey meet the family for the first time, and it was very unlike her not to be blowing up his phone. When he found his clothes at the bottom of the pile on the floor, his phone was still in the pocket, but it would not turn on.

“Shit!”

“What is it?” Ronan called through the door.

“My phone’s dead,” said Adam, and he opened the stall door halfway inside his pirate’s costume. “ _Shit_ ,” he said again. “What time is it?”

“A little after eight. Why?”

Adam moaned, turning back toward the stall. “I was supposed to have dinner with Noah tonight and I forgot.”

“Do you want to call him? What’s his number?” Ronan pulled out his phone and for a second Adam thought of having him dial his number instead, but the temptation lost out on common sense.

“I – I actually don’t know. We live in an age where I don’t have any numbers memorized,” he said.

Ronan appeared less panicked and put a calming hand to his arm. “Would Gansey have it?” he offered.

“No idea,” and truthfully he didn’t, “but could you text him to tell Blue to tell Noah that I’m going to be late?”

“That’s complicated, but okay.”

“Well, tell him to tell Noah I’m going to be late,” Adam corrected, “and they’ll figure it out. I should go.”

He started for the changing room again and Ronan’s arm slid around his, holding him back a step or two.

“Not… so… fast….” he said, giving Adam the once over. “You trying to sneak out of this bet? You owe me a costume.”

Adam gave him a second to come to his senses, and when he didn’t he said, “You won’t even be there to see it.”

“I’ll be seeing it now. I still haven’t picked one yet. Go try these on for me.” He gently pushed several more into Adam’s arms. It was bewildering there were any more costumes to try on.

“How many more are there?” Adam said, dumbfounded. “I feel like we’ve gone through the whole store.”

“Is that complaining I hear, Parrish? Who’s the one who even instigated the bet?”

Adam groaned and rolled his eyes. “I hate you.”

“Sure.”

Inside Adam was separating the new costumes from the old and discarded, hanging them all up to keep from ripping any on the floor. There was a knock at the door to his stall, and confused Adam opened it wondering if Ronan had actually managed to procure any more costumes to try. There honestly couldn’t be any more left. Surely they ran out by now.

There were no new costumes in Ronan’s hands, and instead he nudged his way inside and shut the door behind him.

“Lynch, get out,” Adam hissed, stepping back to give them space. The dressing room was decent sized but not for two who needed to keep their boundaries in check. “There's clearly a sign that says one person to every stall. You're going to get us in trouble, and I haven't even figured out my costume yet.”

“You worry too much,” Ronan said.

“What are you doing in here?” Adam was aware he forgot to put a shirt back on and he crossed his arms over his chest. “You just gave me this huge pile to try on.” With a tilt of his head he gestured, not willing to remove his arms until Ronan left.

“I was getting bored out there,” Ronan argued.

“You're the one who wanted me to do this.”

“Now I'm suggesting something else.”

Before Adam had a chance to absorb the comment Ronan was on him like a moth to a flame, tilting his entire front into him and startling Adam’s arms down. They couldn’t keep doing this, keep falling into the same loop of kissing then having to say goodbye. But when he thought about the idea of dating anyone else, Adam couldn't fathom anyone else's lips on his own, or hands in his hair, or body next to his when he fell asleep. He grew emblazoned with envy at the thought of Ronan someday finding someone else to do this with, but for the moment in his little way Ronan was his and his only. Even if he wouldn't admit that aloud. He dipped into him, kissing him, starved for his hands and his mouth. Ronan and him were playing a dangerous game, and Adam knew they shouldn't. Especially now that he was aware of a third party involved, who Ronan still conspicuously did not bring up.

“Was it the gorilla costume or...?” Ronan wasn't laughing. Instead he looked at him a second, then looked down at his lips. Hunger blazed in his eyes.

“We shouldn't be doing this,” and Ronan was kissing him again, taking him apart with every second they were together. Adam clung to him like a lifeline, arching into him.

“We should stop,” he agreed, only to kiss him again anyway. He bit at Ronan’s lip, dragging it out to make him chase his mouth to reconnect fully. With an ease unmatched, Ronan had him against the wall and he didn't mind, still half undressed in the pirate costume.

He ached for him with every fiber of his being, and despite this being a very public location and not built with real walls Adam dug into him until Ronan moaned into the kiss, trembling as he started pulling off the bottom half of Adam’s costume. His hands slipped inside the tights, and Adam’s hands reached to do the same to his jeans.

A phone started to buzz and ring, and Adam knew it wasn’t his because his was dead. Instantly he felt Ronan still, barely even breathe against him. It was a very distinct ringtone, a lullaby instrumental, and Adam swallowed as he recognized this was probably his daughter. Ronan clearly knew this as well. Their eyes connected best they could from their proximity, and Ronan’s hesitation led him to believe he was debating which way to go. Kiss or call?

“Do you have to get that?” he whispered.

“I probably should.” Ronan sounded out of breath, but he didn’t leave. Not before running a thumb across Adam’s cheek, and then his wet lips. Adam knotted a fist in Ronan’s shirt, wanting him to know to come back without actually asking it.

“You should finish trying out the other costumes,” Ronan said, his head clearing as he sounded more level. He stepped back and reached for his phone as soon as it stopped ringing. “I’ll only be a minute.”

“Okay.”

Adam wasn't sure if that was a confirmation that more of this would happen, or simply that they were to go back to looking at the costumes. Once Ronan was gone, and Adam was alone again in the stall, he felt like he was coming down from a high, having to steady his heartbeat and feeling a little unsatisfied.

After fixing his tights he took a look out the door to see Ronan outside the shop’s entrance standing on the street, having called whoever it was back. He was pacing back and forth, and Adam was concerned something was wrong but then he saw him laugh, unrestricted.

He slipped back into the stall, remembering to breathe.

When Ronan came back inside Adam hadn’t changed, simply finished putting on the same pirate costume as before, and out on the bench Ronan was looking at him with those eyes. Those eyes that said so much. Adam was done looking at costumes. He pulled Ronan to his feet by the hand, dragging him into his stall again, hungry for more. There he pushed him against the wall this time. Flustered, Ronan gazed at him with a blushing face, impossibly wrecked before they even did anything.

“What are you-?”

Adam went to his knees. Ronan looked distressed. Adam fingered his belt. Ronan looked _more_ distressed. There at his position on the floor he looked up to meet his startled gaze from above. Here he silently asked Ronan what he wanted, and when he didn’t protest Adam undid his belt and then the zip. Staring up at Ronan again he ran his fingers gently across the length of his hip bones, then rode up enough of his shirt to kiss across his stomach, sure to leave a hot trail from left to right. Ronan shuddered, chilled. Above he could see he was biting his lip, trying not to make any noise.

“You can touch my hair, but don't force my head, okay?” said Adam.

Ronan didn't speak but Adam knew he understood. Then he pulled him out of his pants and took him in his mouth, warm and hard and already wet.

Adam began to jerk him off simultaneous to sucking him off, making the motions match each other to give himself a sense of rhythm. Ronan’s hands were in his hair before he even started to find the tempo, gripping tight enough it made him moan, accepting the pinch of his skin.

“Damnú ort.” Ronan breathed hard as he gripped Adam’s hair a little tighter, and Adam went a little faster. His tongue ran down the length of Ronan, each time he slid up and then down Ronan shaking a little more, coming undone a little more. He wanted to completely open him, to take him apart as much as he had wanted to be taken apart, but even now he could feel Ronan struggling to keep it together. He was already almost finished.

His eyes opened to look up to find Ronan already looking down, who stuttered something as Adam took him deeper in his mouth. He could feel him at the back of his throat, remaining eye contact as he swallowed, feeling him twitch in his mouth when he did.

“Bastún. Cac. Cac cac cac.”

Adam liked knowing he could do this to him with his mouth, take him apart with his tone same as he had taken him apart before. Adam wanted this to be a moment neither one of them forgot, but same as last time Ronan was already at the edge, close to finishing already he could tell. His grip was tighter at Adam’s hair, gasping harshly as he struggled to keep mute enough not to alert attention. Adam was half hard but he didn’t want to satisfy himself, only Ronan, only wanting to see the satisfaction in his face and feel it in his mouth. It was unnerving how much. 

“Táim ag teacht,” Ronan muttered under his breath, and Adam went a little faster, dropping his hand off and just taking him completely with his mouth. It wasn’t until now that Adam realized how strange it was giving Ronan a blowjob in a pirate costume, but it was a little late for this reflection when he could feel him about to spend, his whole body shaking with the ache. Quick he ran his tongue along the underside of his length and then replaced his mouth at the tip, and he prayed to anything out there that existed that could listen that Ronan’s phone wouldn’t ring and that someone wouldn’t knock.

Ronan made a small high pitched squeak emitting from the back of his throat as he tried to manage his moaning, gasping as he finished inside Adam's mouth. Adam had no choice but to swallow, as he went back and forth a few more times down Ronan before separating, wiping his mouth off and just settling. Ronan was still trembling a little, breaths shallow. His legs looked like they were about to give, and so Adam allowed him time to steady himself before helping him back into his pants. When he was settled, Adam reached for him to help him to his feet, and he obliged without saying a word, unable to move he was still fairly weak.

When they were at eye level with each other again Adam could tell something shifted. He touched at Ronan and Ronan didn’t react or move or speak. He only stared. Adam instantly shied, looking away out of self-preservation. This wasn’t what he wanted at all. To give himself something to do he started to change out of the last costume and into his regular clothes, unable to fathom that after that Ronan would become like this.

“I think I liked the mad scientist costume best,” he found himself muttering, to fill the silence.

Ronan didn't say anything, looking at him mystified.

“What do you think? You get to pick, remember?”

Ronan still couldn't say anything and Adam felt strange. Once he was dressed he knew it was pointless to stick around any longer than necessary, so he grabbed his bag and took Ronan’s hand. Together they left without anyone knowing the wiser of what happened; Adam simply needed to get out of there. Outside, Ronan pulled his hand free and Adam whirled to see he had stopped behind him.

“I have a daughter,” he blurted out.

Adam stared, wondering if the blowjob was what broke his silence, or if he planned to say it before Adam gave him the chance.

“I know,” he admitted and Ronan's face became clouded in something indefinable. “When Blue and Noah found your phone, they showed me your wallpaper,” he clarified.

“You've known this entire time and you didn't say anything?” Ronan sounded angry. That was rich.

“I don’t think it’s fair of you to get mad at me, Ronan,” he said, more than willing to be his level of bitter. “I wanted you to tell me in your own time, and now you have. I didn't want to force you to tell me. While I might not have a kid, I know that you had to have kept her secret for a reason.”

They stared at each other on the sidewalk for what felt like ages until finally Ronan relented and sighed, body untensing and anger seeming to lift.

“I meant to tell you,” he said, sounding exhausted more than before, “but that first night it was just us. I didn't know how to say in the middle of making out 'oh by the way I have a child.' Then when we crossed paths again, it still didn't feel right. I didn't know where to add it in conversation. So I didn't add it at all. And the longer I waited the bigger the issue that I hadn't said it sooner.”

“Why are you telling me now?” Adam crossed his arms over his chest, desperate for a cab to appear and take him away from this.

Ronan reached forward. I wanted to be honest with you,” he said. “Completely honest. That was just her on the phone. She had a nightmare, so Matthew had her call me. It's shit when I'm away from her like this, which is why my visits are always so brief. I'm sorry I never said anything, but I know fuck all of how to tell new people about her. I'm so used to everyone knowing already, and I'm just.... sorry.”

Adam contemplated what else to say. What was there to say? His jaw ached from holding it so wide and so he touched at it to give himself space, taking a step away from Ronan to maintain that distance. He shied his eyes from him until a taxi approached and Ronan was first to call for it.

Inside they were quiet after Adam told the driver the address. Ronan was looking at him, he could tell with a slight glance in his peripheral, but he didn’t want to budge and let him back in. This was awkward now. Everything was out in the open. He wanted to go home and plug in his phone and talk to Blue, even if all they talked about was Gansey this and Gansey that. It was better than this uncomfortable silence.

“Hey…” Ronan leaned into him at his side, touching knees and shoulders and arms. Adam shut his eyes.

_Be strong, be strong, be strong._

“Adam?” Ronan sounded so heartbreakingly gentle. Adam’s jaw hurt even worse when he jutted the bottom out trying not to say anything. The quiet only lasted another block before he felt himself turning into Ronan, knocking their foreheads together as a result.

“Ow.” Adam winced. He rubbed his forehead with the back of his hand.

“Clumsy,” Ronan lightly teased. They sat so close they might as well have used only one seatbelt, as Ronan swept a finger across the curve of his cheek.

“What happened to your daughter’s mom?” he asked. “Were you married or—?”

Ronan found some humor in that. “I’m very gay,” he said, “and I’ve always known I’m gay. She’s not biologically mine, but she's still all me. She was orphaned when her birth parents died in a car accident. They were from the same small town I am, and so when it was said she had nowhere to go because they had no extended family left, I took her in and, well, sort of instantly fell in love with her. She's the best part of me, and I feel very protective of her.”

“Is that why you didn't mention her before?”

“One of the reasons.”

Adam shut his eyes and pretended they weren’t having this conversation in the back of a smelly cab with a visibly nosy driver. “What’s her name?” he asked Ronan.

“Opal.”

“Ah. The tattoo.” He touched at Ronan's chest through his shirt, and Ronan caught his hand to hold it in his. “That's disgustingly adorable,” said Adam. “I hate it.”

Ronan smiled a little, squeezing his hand. At this point Adam let him.

“I never got to pick your costume, you know,” he pointed out. “That's cheating, what you did.”

“Genuinely did not expect you to go quiet like that after.” It hurt to smile, but he did it anyway, adding playfully, “Had I known there was a way to shut you up I would've done that ages ago.”

Ronan flushed. “It was unexpected.”

Adam bit down a smirk, watching the color spread across the Irishman’s face.

“What would you have picked?” Ronan looked inquisitively. “For the costume,” Adam added.

“Oh, I was actually taking a liking to the gladiator one myself.”

Adam snorted. “Not surprised.”

“Oy, and why is that?”

“The skirt on it reminded me of a kilt. Clearly you have a skirt kink or something.”

“I do _not_.”

“There's nothing wrong with it. You don't need to deny your kinks with me,” he said, feeling so familiar with him and yet a complete stranger. It was aggravating. Their balance was constantly shifting and Adam was getting vertigo.

“Oh, you're terrible,” Ronan moaned, giving him chills. “I'm never helping you with anything ever again.”

At this, Adam laughed and Ronan put his face in his hand, shaking his head, trying not to laugh too.

“So a gladiator huh?” Adam couldn’t resist the temptation to rest his head on Ronan’s shoulder, feeling the weight being held well. Ronan was shaking his head, the act of which shook Adam too. “I could make that work. Shame you won't get to see me in the full getup, though.”

Ronan tilted his chin up to meet his gaze, arching one brow in the process.

“Mr. Parrish, one would almost think you're flirting with me,” he said.

“I would never. That would be wrong. Pushing boundaries and all that.”

“Yeah, because a blowjob between friends is so casual, but flirting is bad.”

Adam blushed a little. “Shut up.”

“Make me.”

He so badly wanted to kiss him again and when he looked at Ronan he could see Ronan wanted it, too. This impossible thing they couldn’t resist. Their lips barely met when the cab jerked to a stop, forcing Adam forward and out of Ronan’s touch. He grunted when the seatbelt yanked on him, knocking enough sense back into him he realized they were at the restaurant already.

“$25.50,” said the taxi driver.

Simultaneously Ronan and Adam each both reached for their wallets, but Adam was faster, and he wasn’t about to let Ronan pay for something now, not after earlier. He handed the driver thirty and told him to keep the change, quick to file out of the cab first, Ronan having to follow after him.

Noah was standing by the entrance of the restaurant staring down at his phone, probably texting Adam telling him he was late, which he knew.

“Noah!” He waved to get his attention as he started crossing over to him, Ronan not far behind.

“Hey!” Noah came to meet him halfway, tucking his phone away into his jeans. “You're late. I was worried, because you're almost never late. I tried texting you but-”

“Yeah. My phone died. Sorry.”

“It's my fault, really,” said Ronan, stepping in and awkwardly waving.

“Your...” Noah went wide-eyed and jolted. “Oh, Ronan. Oh shit. Oh hi. Wow. Hi.”

“Subtle,” Adam hiss whispered

“You're looking good.” Noah inconspicuously gave Adam a look that Ronan likely saw too. “Did you cut your hair?”

Ronan ran a hand across his head. “It's longer actually,” he said.

“Ah. That's what I meant.”

Ronan looked at Adam, smiling at him. Adam turned quick to Noah. When their eyes met Noah started to sign to him and he realized what he was doing, what he was spelling out with his hands. He tried to shake his head no at him, but Noah was relentless.

“What’s he doing?” Ronan pointed.

 _Are you together now?_ he signed.

“He's signing,” Adam sputtered out, trying not to let it be known what exactly he was signing. He almost signed back to fucking stop it, but Noah wouldn’t have listened anyway. “ASL. Sign language.”

“You know sign language?” Ronan smiled at him again. He wanted him to stop that as well.

_He’s hotter than I remember. Why do you always get the hot ones?_

Adam put a hand on his right one, trying to stop him.

“I do,” he said, answering Ronan a little late.

“Adam learned it at university,” Noah said proudly like a mom, “and I'm learning it now because I'm dating a girl who's deaf. So he's helping me with the practice. You don’t mind, do you?”

“No, go ahead.”

_Did you ask about his daughter?_

“What's that mean?” Ronan pointed again.

“Uh, he asked how's your farm?” Adam was bad at this. Having two conversations at once and not allowing one of them to know the real context of the other.

“It's fine,” Ronan said hesitantly, like he could tell Adam wasn’t being honest. “What do you do, again?” he asked Noah. “I don't remember.”

“Graphic designer,” Noah beamed. “So if you ever need any graphic designing for your brewery, I am all yours. For a price, of course.”

“Of course.”

_Are you two still friends with benefits?_

That question would have been fine to ask, if only he didn’t do a gesture rather than say benefits. Granted Noah was still learning, but Adam wanted so very much to leave this planet right about now. He was pretty sure Ronan knew what Noah asked, as any person would who was aware of the gesture. Adam was ignoring Noah now, looking to Ronan who was searching for context.

“He wants to know if you bottle your beer yourself,” said Adam, trying to save face and hoping he was doing a half decent job at it.

 _Funny_ , Noah signed slyly. He was on the verge of bursting.

Ronan exchanged eye contact with them both, trying to figure out who to talk to at this point. “No,” he said, “we have a machine that does that. It’s all very high tech.”

His watch beeped at him like being saved by the bell, and as he looked at it Adam elbowed Noah to stop signing at him.

“I should probably get back to my hotel to pack,” he said, looking guiltily at Adam and then politely at Noah. “Great seeing you again, Noah.”

“You too.”

 _Don’t forget the goodbye kiss_ , Noah signed.

 _We are no longer friends_ , Adam signed back, walking backward to look at Noah as he followed after Ronan. When he finished he wheeled round to meet Ronan back at the curb, but not before catching Noah placing a hand to his heart and dramatically leaning back as if he had been shot by Adam’s words. Adam gave him the middle finger.

“Did he really say all that, or are you that quick on your feet?” Ronan grinned.

“He did,” Adam said, noticeably cracking in his voice. “In a way.”

Ronan nodded, fully aware now Noah was definitely not as innocent as he appeared. “He’s nice,” he said anyway. “You have nice friends.”

“They’re alright,” Adam said jokingly.

“Well….” Ronan chewed on his lower lip a moment, suddenly unable to make eye contact for too long. This was always the worst part. “I guess this is goodbye again. I’ll probably be back in the city in another few more months.”

“Alright,” said Adam, unsure what else there was to say.

Adam went in for a handshake this time, unsure if he could handle a hug, but Ronan went in for a hug unlike earlier that day. After a while of awkwardness like before, they settled on the handshake, and then Adam watched Ronan walk away.

He went back to Noah, who was waiting by the door again.

Halfway there he stopped.

“What am I doing?” he thought, and he turned back around and ran after Ronan. He was barely down the block when he rediscovered him through the busy cluster of pedestrians. When he found him he put a hand on his shoulder, a little out of breath but still able to stand upright. Ronan turned, surprised by the sight of him.

“Parrish, what--?”

“I think…” Adam was both out of breath and highly nervous, unsure how to say this. “I don’t… I want…. I want you to stay.”

There it was. There he was. This was the most honest thing he perhaps said all day. He was trembling. Ronan was aware of how hard this was to say and he gently took Adam’s hands in his, holding them tight and together. Quietly he pressed his forehead to Adam’s, and Adam was unable to look him in the eye any longer, immediately closing them. He knew what was coming next and he needed to prepare himself.

Silent tears streamed down his face, this meeting too much on him, straining him. He was fine all those months emailing him, not thinking about the possibilities when they talked about herding sheep and nanotechnology. In his presence it was different, magnetic, and impossible to avoid the obvious. It hurt.

“My sole focus is Opal,” Ronan replied.

“I understand that,” said Adam. “I’m not–”

“I know you’re not.”

They stood there a moment longer, a roadblock on the sidewalk. People maneuvered around them. the world kept going around them, but Adam wished it could stop. For just one second at least.

Adam knew it was time to go when Ronan’s watched beeped at him again. His eyes remained tightly closed, feeling Ronan bend in to kiss at both cheeks where they were still wet with lines of tears. Then he gently pecked Adam, and Adam chased his lips but Ronan broke from him before he could reach him. He opened his eyes to know that he shouldn’t give chase.

“It was really, really good seeing you,” said Ronan.

“Good seeing you, too.” Adam choked on the words, a lump in his throat.

Ronan ran a thumb over his one cheek, the one wetter than the other.

“I promise I'll keep my hands to myself next time.”

“Yeah, good. It's all your hands' fault. Keep them away.” He rolled his eyes at himself.

Ronan pulled from him. “I'll email you.”

“You better.”

When Ronan turned the corner Adam stared up at the sky, forcing his tears back in, swallowing hard. He turned again, cleaning himself up before returning to Noah.

 _You okay?_ he signed.

“Yeah, I'm fine,” Adam said out loud. “You're getting really good now, you know.”

“Thanks. Had a good teacher.” Noah then patted his stomach. “Oh, man, I'm _starving_. Let's eat!”

And as Noah told the host a table for two Adam couldn't help but think of the thing he wanted so much to say to Ronan but couldn't. Wouldn't. Never said to anyone before.

_I think I'm falling in love with you._

That asshole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is very different to what happens in the movie at this point so if you have seen the movie/managed to check it out because of this fic or what have you, you will notice it does not match (for the most part).
> 
> let me know what you thought in the comments or on my tumblr ([cabeswatergreywaren](http://www.cabeswatergreywaren.tumblr.com)) ! :)
> 
> rip it's 7 am and i have not slept trying to finish this ok goodnight. xx


	4. The Wedding of Blue Sargent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Your friends are watching us very peculiarly,” he said.  
> “They think you’re going to break my heart.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: there will be a death in this chapter.
> 
> also a really bad joke about a song.
> 
> also angst.

Halloween came and went. Adam dressed as the gladiator, danced with Tad at the party, regretted it in the morning, and returned the costume immediately. Ronan asked for a picture, but Adam didn’t have the heart to send one, and so he simply didn’t reply at all.

Thanksgiving came and went. Blue announced her and Gansey's engagement, and Orla announced she was dating Helen Gansey two seconds after that. No one left that dinner sober. Adam hadn’t heard from Ronan in nearly a month.

Winter holidays came and went. Blue moved out of the apartment and into another with Gansey. Henry and Henry announced they were thinking of adopting a baby. Noah even was thinking of asking his girlfriend to move in with him. Adam gave Tad a call for the first time in his life.

Slowly the emails started to fizzle out. Ronan said his life was getting busy, vaguely referencing Opal in a few of the emails he managed to send before they stopped, as if she were still some secret in his life. Adam’s job was getting busier too, with his promotion and new projects piled on top of that. It was possible he made more work for himself at his job on purpose when the emails started to die down between them, though he wouldn’t admit it out loud.

It was good, he felt, this silent awareness they need a break – and he hoped it was just that. A break. Not permanency. They needed to take a step back, to reassess.

Adam would hear things about him from Gansey, but never because he asked and never because he actually wanted to. It was easier to put him out of his mind, because even a casual reference to Ireland had Adam awake all night with an ache so deep he couldn't move.

Tad was a decent distraction to that. Never once did he have to make it clear their boundaries, that Adam just needed someone to talk to, to be with, and that nothing sexual would happen while they hung out. Instead he went places with Tad when neither wanted to be lonely, and they would talk about the most absurd of topics, once discussing for several hours the lenses in telescopes. Tad was definitely not Ronan and he didn't want him to be.

He was less annoying the more adjusted he was to Adam, the more opportunities he had to just talk with him, Tad clearly hoping for that boundary to be pushed. Adam felt like such an asshole, but Tad did not seem to mind, even if all of his friends once again put their noses where they didn't belong and minded for him.

Blue asked Adam to be her best man/maid of honor. It was still undecided which was his official title, Blue unsure if she wanted to break the thought process a man couldn't be maid of honor or wanted to break the thought process that a woman couldn't have a best man. So he was labeled as both, switching between them whenever Blue briefly made up her mind and then switching again when she changed it.

Helping her plan the wedding was less of a nightmare than he was expecting, mainly because Blue didn't want a big wedding, didn't want extravagance. She just wanted to get married, even offering to Gansey they go to city hall and get it over with.

It was Gansey who was more the "bridezilla", constantly panicking about the choices they made, wondering if they clashed or if his mother would approve.

"I'm not marrying your mom for god's sake, Dick," she said, using the hated nickname to always distract him enough to clear his head. They were looking at China patterns and Blue liked a very plain one but Gansey was leaning toward one he thought his mom would prefer. "I like her, but I'm marrying you."

"That's sweet of you to think, Blue, but you're marrying my whole family, and my mother would absolutely kill me if I picked the wrong China pattern."

"What in the-- how can there be a wrong one? They're all fucking plates!"

"I'm going to call her, actually." Gansey was not listening to Blue, and he took a picture of the choices before stepping out to make his call. Blue groaned into her hands.

"I wonder if Orla has to deal with this with Helen," she said into her palms. "I swear, if his mother thinks she can tell me what fancy ass plate I'm getting I'm going to...." She groaned again and then shook her head, pulling her hands away and trying to cleanse herself of her frustration. "Sorry."

Adam shrugged at her. "We all have those days. Weddings seem stressful."

"They are. I hate it. I want to elope so badly but I think that would actually give Gansey a heart attack."

He smiled at her, missing her humor. Since she moved in with Gansey and started, he barely had a chance to see her outside of Gansey attending too. A constant reminder he was the last single member of his core group of friends and he hated this reminder daily.

"How's _Tad_ by the way?" The way she said his name always irritated Adam, teasing him for his new friendship.

"Fine," he said curtly. When Blue gestured for elaboration he sighed. "We're seeing a movie later. Something gory, I think."

"You know, all those times we joked about you finally giving in to Tad's advances, I didn't think you would actually ever do it."

"I'm not giving in to anything," he said with disdain. This was not the first time one of them said something like this to him and it was getting irritating. "We just hang out. What's the big deal? I'm sorry I didn't find Mr. or Mrs. Right right away, and that I'm not happily in a relationship with anyone and that it isn't as easy for some of us. Or that maybe I did meet Mr. Right, but he wants absolutely fuck all to do with me as anything other than a brief encounter before going back to his life in Ireland. Tad's nice and he's safe and I don't overthink with him we just talk and I--" He was now the one groaning into his hands, exhausted from a day off helping pick out plates and tablecloths and of all things _napkin_ _rings_. Who the hell needs to make a group decision on napkin rings?

"Adam." Blue gently placed a hand to his shoulder and squeezed. "Have you talked to _him_ recently?"

"Not recently," he said.

"He'll be at the wedding next month, you know. Gansey's best man and all."

Adam knew this for a while now, when Gansey came over to him during their engagement party and clapped a hand to his shoulder and said, "Ronan's my best man. You're Blue's. That's not going to be a problem, is it? I don't want anyone uncomfortable at my wedding."

And he remembered feeling prickles of irritation but was unwilling to let them prod their way to his mood. "I won't be uncomfortable. Did Ronan say he would be?"

Gansey shrugged, a little drunk and not all that coherent. "Think he said something like ‘Mind your own fucking business.' "

That sounded like Ronan. "Don’t worry about us,” said Adam. “It's your wedding, not mine."

"You're Blue's best friend, and I'd like to think you're one of mine now, too, so I'm just lookin' out, yeah? I love you, man."

"Thanks," Adam muttered. He didn't know how to handle a sober Gansey sometimes, let alone a drunk one, but thankfully Blue came to his rescue that night, and Gansey was coming to his rescue now, returning with his phone tucked back into his jacket, gesturing to a completely different plate than the two they were fighting on.

"She wants this one."

"For the love of--! Give me your phone. I'm going to have words with that woman."

"Words? That sounds ominous."

"Give me the phone, Gansey, or for the love of God--"

Gansey reluctantly handed it to her with quick instincts.

 

\-----------------------------

 

On the morning of Blue's wedding Adam was dead to the world, hungover for the first time in his life and unwilling to move even as he felt the body next to his in bed shove him around at the shoulders.

"Get up! Oh my god you're so heavy."

"Mm, fuck you too," he mumbled.

Blue slapped at his lower back.

"Adam, get up. We didn't set an alarm, and I swear to god if I am late for my _own_ wedding...."

"No one's stopping you," he mumbled. "Go on. Get married. Leave me here."

"You're my maid of best man. Whatever. You're _not_ not coming."

"I drank too much last night," he said, groaning and whining. He still wouldn't roll over. The bed was inviting, softer than his own, smaller too, but luckily Blue didn't take up much space. They were in a hotel on the outskirts of Blue's hometown, initially planning to have stayed in Blue's childhood home but it was chaos with all the decorations and people, as that was where the ceremony was being held.

"Yes, you did, and now you're about to learn what it's like to have a hangover at a wedding. Get your ass out of this bed and get me married. Come _on_."

Adam didn't know if he wanted to see Ronan today, and at the moment would much rather stay in bed all day and sleep the headache and nausea off. The Irishman's flight didn't get in until this morning, and so he didn't make it to the rehearsal dinner, but he knew he was going to make it to today’s ceremony, and there was a hole in his stomach at the thought of seeing him for the first time since he, well, put himself out there as best as he managed. He was nervous about talking to Ronan, afraid somehow the Irishman moved on while Adam hadn’t.

"Adam, I'm only getting married once because I'm determined as fuck, and if you miss my one wedding I will be highly disappointed. I want you there more than my dad, you butt, so get out of bed."

Adam stirred at the mention of her dad. "He's actually coming?"

"He RSVP'd, so I assume so. How is _that_ what you respond to?"

Adam sat up slowly, hesitant to open his eyes more than a sliver in fear of being overcome with pain and sickness.

"You just never talk about him," he said. "I assumed he didn't reply to the invitation."

"Guess he was willing to finally take some time off being an asshole to come watch his only kid get married. Get dressed. There's no time to shower."

"I smell like vodka," Adam moaned, sniffing at his shirt.

"Should've thought about that before you drank it. Let's go."

After months of planning, Blue and Gansey's wedding was beautiful and simple in its elegance. The ceremony and decorations took over most, if not all, of the whole first floor of her old house. Her mom and aunts all helped, filing the main hallway with flowers, which led guests from the front door to out into the backyard where the small ceremony was being held.

Gansey's mom had a dizzy spell when she found out the wedding could only seat at most fifty people, wondering how it was they could cut the list down that much. Eventually Blue had to tell her if she or Gansey didn't personally know the person they weren't invited, and politicians didn't count. Another dizzy spell.

Blue and Adam arrived a lot earlier than she thought they would, both so used to New York traffic they forgot small town Virginia didn't really have any traffic unless there was road work. Adam snuck a shower in while he had the chance, sparing everyone the smell of alcohol that seeped into his skin and was hard to scrub off.

Downstairs, after he finished his shower, he could hear the guests slowly trickling in, knowing when Noah arrived when he screamed 'It's finally happening!' at Blue. Then came Orla, and Henry and Henry, and countless others he didn't know or recognize.

Then there was that distinctive accent that cut clear across all sounds and voices, quieter and softer than he remembered it being, or perhaps it was because he was so far away. There was ever the slightest temptation to peek down into the front hall, to see Ronan and see what he looked like. Four months was a long time. There was so much he wanted to tell him, but he forced himself not to look, not to go downstairs. The nausea held him still, and for the first time in his life he was grateful for that. Instead he waited until that voice was a distant mumble that faded down the hall with all the rest, and then he snuck back downstairs to go look for Blue.

"Adam. Adam, Adam, Adam."

He felt two pairs of arms gently yank on each of his. The Henrys arrived and were clearly up to something.

"What's happening?" Adam said as he was guided backwards into what appeared to be the room reserved for tarot card readings. They shut the door when all three of them were inside, and then both Henrys let him go.

"Travis is here and Artemus isn't coming, so how do we handle this?"

"I don't understand." Adam looked between the two Henrys. "What are we doing discussing this in here?"

"Privacy," said Cheng.

"Not to mention, Travis came with Ronan, so-- Ow, honey, that hurt." Cheng had accidentally elbowed Broadway too hard.

"Oh, shit. Sorry. We just all made a promise to not bring him up today."

"A little bit difficult when he's in the same house we are," Adam said, reflecting on the fact his friends had discussions about this without him. "Besides, I thought Travis and Orla were okay now."

"They _are_ , but it's still weird. Him coming like this."

"Maybe Gansey invited him?" Adam offered. "Anyway, if Artemus isn't coming I should check up on Blue." He started for the door but then realized something and turned back. "How do you know he's not coming?"

"One of the psychics told us," said Broadway.

"Of course...." Adam didn't want to laugh. "Which one?"

"The one with pencils in her hair."

"Mm. I don't know that one. Does Blue know yet?"

Both Henrys shrugged.

"So you found out Blue's father is possibly not coming and you come tell me and not her...."

"Well when you say it like that...."

"Really we just wanted to distract you from Ronan and Travis--" Again, Cheng elbowed Broadway in the side.

"Saying his name isn't going to do any worse than seeing him," Broadway argued. "It's not like if I said his name three times he would appear like Beetlejuice. Ronan Ronan Ronan."

In perfect tempo, there was a knock at the door and Broadway looked to have jumped out of his skin he was so startled above the others.

"Fuck. Okay, if that's him, I'm sorry Adam and I'm sorry, Henry. This house is clearly magical."

"You're both ridiculous," Adam said, rolling his eyes as he went for the door. Fighting through the headache and sickness in his gut. On the other side was one of Blue's aunts, or at the very least one of the many women in her life he found easier to call them an aunt. Calla. She looked stunned momentarily when she met eyes with him, and then those same eyes narrowed as she took in the sight of three young men in her reading room.

"Oh thank god," Broadway muttered.

"I don't even want to know," she said, and then her voice alleviated a little around the edges as she added, "Blue's looking for you."

Blue was held up in her old bedroom, sitting on her bed in her dress. It was wild and colorful just like her, something she made herself when she wasn't satisfied with what her other options were. He sat beside her on the bed quietly, aware something was a little off. Wordlessly he took her hands in his, and she sniffled.

"I love you so much, Adam," she breathed. Upon this utterance she was quick to hug him and kiss him on the cheek, visibly on the verge of tears.

"Why do I always cry at weddings?" she said with a moan, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue.

"Because they're so boring," Adam jested.

Blue laughed through her tears and shook him unintentionally. He found himself hugging her tighter before letting her go.

He wasn't sure if this was from the news about her father or something deeper than that, and he wasn't sure how to broach the subject. Her one arm was still slung around him and his were still wrapped around her, and he hugged her again.

"The end of an era, huh?" she said against his collar. "I almost can't believe it."

"It's been the end of an era since you moved out," he noted.

Blue jerked back, sighing. "But now it's official," she said. "I'm going to be a boring married now."

"You? Boring? Never."

"True." Blue's features softened with a small, which then grew a little wider. "Hey, did I tell you where we're going for our honeymoon?"

"No, where?"

"Argentina, and then Morocco, and then Malaysia." Her hands went to her chest, full of visible joy. "My first plane trip, Adam. Plane _trips_. When I had to go get my passport photo taken I was grinning so much the lady taking my picture thought I was high."

Adam went still. "When was this?" he asked. Blue wouldn't have stopped talking about finally getting a passport, and somehow he missed it.

"I don't know," she said, shrugging. She didn't notice the depth of this dismissal. "Two months ago?"

Sitting there, he had an epiphany. "Where have I been?"

"In here," Blus said, and lightly poked at his forehead. Her hand then came up to cup his cheek. "It's cool, though. You've still been there for me. We all have our shit we have to get through. Even though now I'll be married, you can still come to me at two am with a pint of ice cream to talk, right? I'll kick Gansey out of bed for you any day of the week. You're my best friend."

Adam smiled and kissed her cheek. "Same to you, Mrs. Gansey."

"Oh god no." Blue shook her head, her hands, looking downright horrified. "No, I'm keeping my last name. Mrs. Gansey is his mother."

“Speaking of parents….” Adam started, unsure how to broach the subject. Blue tensed against him.

“He’s not coming, is he?”

“That’s the rumor.”

"Knock knock!!" Noah opened the door enough to poke his head in, not allowing Blue the ability to respond to the news. "You busy?"

Blue stood up at once and outstretched her arms towards him. The tears were back again, and she was fighting them off but poorly. "Oh, Noah," she said. "My lovely little Noah. Come here."

"What's wrong?" Noah looked to Adam for guidance.

"Nothing," she said more Blue-like, hands in her hips. "Come hug me, damn it."

Soon after that, Henry and Henry came prodding in and exchanging hugs with Blue, and then in came Orla, kissing Blue all over her face she had to wash her face free of all the kiss marks.

Somewhere between all the hugging and emotional support, Adam didn't notice that Cheng snuck in a bottle of champagne. The reminder Adam was battling a hangover was not pleasant.

"I forgot cups, but we can each take a sip," he said, and Adam already knew he was going to pass on that. "A toast!"

Everyone raised an invisible glass in their hand. This was not the first time Henry did this.

"To Blue! May her marriage to Gansey be long and fruitful, and I'm not talking about kids because I know she said she's not planning any."

"That's right," Blue said with a nod.

"May this new adventure they share together be as wild and untethered as she is, and may it not get in the way of her hanging out with us."

"Here here!" exclaimed Noah, and Cheng took a sip then passed the drink on to the others. As it was still being handed around, Broadway added.

"Now you can no longer harp on Cheng Two and I for being married," he said.

"Don't think I won't still do that," said Blue. "You wear matching robes to bed."

"That's adorable," Noah said without any sarcasm.

"Thank you, Czerny," said Broadway.

The champagne was passed around to everyone and back again to Cheng, who then handed it off to his right to Orla.

"To my sweet little cousin," she started, "who I never thought was going to get married because she once said, and I quote, she would 'never give in to the patriarchal idea of being handed off from one man to another'--"

"It's true," Blue interjected. "I'm making Gansey walk down the aisle instead of me. I am not the one being handed off to anyone."

"I do not envy Gansey in the slightest," Noah joked and Blue elbowed him.

"Hey!"

"We love you dearly," Broadway said and Cheng nodded.

"Our darling Blue about to get married. A miracle of miracles."

"I will disinvite _all_ of you right now if you don't stop! I mean it!"

After a few more heckles, they all came in for a group hug, Blue in the center being drowned by bodies holding her tightly. She started to sniffle again; a few of them started to sniffle in fact. There they all were, half married and half not. Adam wished they could stand still, time moving so quick and things developing so fast and he just wanted to stop a moment and breathe. Take it all in. His best friend for years, his roommate for years, someone he cared for with all his heart was getting married today. He was so happy for her.

There was a soft knock on the door as it creaked open and Helen, in a matching bridesmaid gown to Orla, appeared with a kind smile.

"Sorry to break up the party," she said, "but this one needs to start heading to the alter."

Slowly Blue peeled out from the center of her friends and took Helen's hand, waving her friends off to say goodbye. The next time they would see her she would be getting married. How strange.

After that the rest of them split apart to occupy themselves until that time was to come, and Adam went in search of Gansey. To check up on him, of course. Nothing at all to do with a certain Irishman. No.

"Hey, where's Gansey?" Adam asked to the first person he ran into.

"Pacing back and forth in the driveway."

When Adam looked out the front window he could see him clearly, and standing next to the mailbox talking to him and being waved off was Ronan. His heart stuttered.

There was a tap on his shoulder and he turned to see Tad standing next to him.

"Tad," he said, pulling from the window and letting the curtain block the view. "I didn't think you would come."

"Well, I was invited," he said sheepishly.

Gansey and Tad met at Henry and Henry’s wedding and hit it off and of course Tad would want to come.

"Happy to see me?" he asked, already aware of the answer because Adam was definitely happy. Anything to occupy his time and mind, keep him clear from Ronan.

Relieved, he almost said out loud. Instead as he opened his mouth the door beside them opened and Adam was pushed back a few steps as it swung wide. In silence he and Tad both observed as Gansey came stalking through, followed shortly by Ronan. Neither noticed their presence, too absorbed in their own conversation.

Once they were gone Adam looked back at Tad, who appeared a little disenchanted.

"I'm going to go find my seat," he said, gesturing in the direction the others went. "See you after?"

"Yeah, definitely."

Adam stayed by the window until he was sure it was safe to go out to see Blue. After enough time had passed surely Ronan wasn't around anymore, waiting somewhere with Gansey until it was their cue, Adam started for the backyard like most everyone else. He only made it a few feet before another familiar face blocked his way.

Persephone's hair was as big and fair as he remembered, and today she was wearing the color blue, which Adam couldn't tell was a play on Blue's name or utter coincidence.

"Hello, Adam," she said. Her voice was always so soft, so soothing. Today was no different than the dozen times before.

"Hi," he suddenly forgot what it was he was meant to be doing. "Good to see you again."

"And you, sweet boy. Are you well?"

"I am," and she looked as if she could see through that and know the truth just by his eyes. Quick he detached himself, looking just a little to her right. "You weren't at Orla's wedding, I noticed."

Persephone shrugged. "I do not like Maine."

They were perhaps two of the only people left not yet out at the ceremony waiting for the wedding to start. Adam remembered what it was he was going to do before he ran into Persephone, and he moved to start heading that way. She was faster, gently taking his hands in hers, her thumbs brushing the lines in his palms.

This was not the first time this happened, but it was the first time he let her hands stay.

"You are sad," she murmured, sad herself by this realization.

"I'm not--" he stopped himself. Arguing with anyone in Blue's family was futile. They were a household of psychics, and he wasn't exactly being lively today. Even if she didn't have "the gift", any observant person could see he was not as uplifted by today as he should be.

"You have confined yourself into a small box, and you do not know how to get out," she said.

She was about nine years too late on that one. He wasn't confined in anything anymore, and he didn't need to get out of anything. Adam was free and happy and successful and living in New York City. What was all this about?

"You think you're protecting yourself but your heart suffers when your mind does not speak," she went on. "When you do not move. Speak your mind, Adam, spread your wings, and you will be happy again."

Adam pulled his hands from hers and felt unnerved.

"Persephone, what are you doing?" Maura stepped into the room with her arms folded across her chest. "Sorry, Adam. Stop reading his palms, Persephone. No psychic stuff at the wedding. We promised."

Persephone stepped back, still smiling softly. Her words rung round in his head.

"I was done anyway," she said to Maura. To Adam she said, "Fly, little bird."

She left Adam thinking on this, a man who liked to solve things now left with something impossibly unsolvable. Riddles from psychics, things he didn't quite understand.

"Does anything she say ever make sense?" he asked Maura, who was still standing next to him.

"Sometimes," she said. "If you know how to listen." More riddles. Fantastic. "You should get a move on. Its almost time."

Adam hurried out to meet up with Blue at the alter, standing at her side as she was talking it up with Noah.

"Thought we would have to start without you," she said, giving him a look that asked for details.

"Ran into Persephone," he said.

Somehow that sated her curiosity, and with just his luck the ceremony started soon after. The music swelled, Blue stiffened, and everyone sitting rose in unison.

 

\-----------------------------------------

 

The day lifted quite high for Adam during the ceremony, watching Blue be happy, finding himself smiling because she was. He didn't need Persephone's words to rattle him, he didn't need Ronan's stiff body across from Blue and Gansey to unnerve him. He didn't need Noah's gentle touch at his arm to soothe him. Blue's smile when reciting vows she made up on the spot was enough to ease him.

Still, he couldn't avoid looking his way forever. Despite himself, Adam let his eyes drift past Blue to Gansey, whose glasses were fogged up a little, and then past him to Ronan. Ronan was staring heavily at Gansey, his mouth a thin line and his hands hidden behind his back. His features were sharper, harsher than he remembered. As if by chance, Ronan turned his head and looked across the almost married couple back at Adam. Their eyes met for the first time since October. Bright and open, like they were asking him a question.

Swift, Adam turned away, face flush and stomach curling. The space between them was an ocean wide, and all Adam could think of was how much he wanted to touch him. To feel the hard line of his shoulder, the weight of his hand. _Fuck fuck fuck._

Then Blue and Gansey were exchanging rings, and Adam stole another look his way. He had stubble growing in on his face, hair a little longer than before, curling at the ends. If god were real, they were testing him. After a while of staring, to the point Blue and Gansey were kissing as the ceremony finished, he felt a pinch in his arm and winced.

“The hell, Noah,” he hissed under his breath.

“You’re drooling,” Noah replied.

Adam gave him a good, lengthy glare that only managed to make Noah stifle a smirk, and then he looked forward again at the happy couple as everyone cheered politely at their official union.

After the ceremony was over, the wedding party was courted and held behind to take photographs together. Slowly the longer the pictures went on the more whittled down the group became, starting with a photo of everyone and then slowly picking off members to take individual photos or photos with a member from the other side of the party. For some reason, the photographer wanted a set of photos with the best men together, and Adam thought this had to be Blue’s idea but she was already gone by the time he had a chance to look for her for an explanation.

They were standing underneath the huge tree in her backyard, shaded by its branches. Ronan stood beside him stiff, visibly distancing himself not just physically. Adam didn’t want this, and he reached out to touch at Ronan’s arm just enough to feel the texture of his jacket.

“Hi,” he said. His voice came out strange, a little wobbly. He felt like he was in high school again trying to talk to a crush.

At this, Ronan eased his posture a little, breathing out a short exhale. He, too, was nervous Adam realized. They probably felt that same intense awkwardness, unsure what to do about it.

“Hey.” Ronan’s gaze darted in his direction as the camera went off, and then he turned his head completely as the photographer was examining the photo. “We have to stop meeting like this,” he said.

Adam rolled his eyes. His humor never changed.

“I thought you were avoiding me,” Ronan admitted, glancing forward again long enough for another picture. Adam didn’t care about the pictures. He was still staring straight at Ronan. Fuck, he was much more perceptive than Adam gave him credit for.

“Work has been really–”

“I meant today.”

“Oh. No.” Adam couldn’t come up with a lie fast enough, and he was a little unsettled as the photographer continued to take more pictures. Ronan was posing but Adam had completely given up on that. “I wasn’t–” When Ronan looked his way again Adam faltered. “I was, a little. I didn’t know if you still…”

“Still what?” His gaze was completely devoted to him now, the intensity of it was engulfing. “Still remember you? Yes, I still know who you are. It’s Aidan, right?”

“Dickhead.” Adam couldn’t help but shake his head, smothering a laugh with his hand.

When the amusement died down, Ronan touched ever so subtly at Adam’s shoulder, enough to completely take Adam apart and still him. He was nothing without those touches, and he could feel himself gravitate toward Ronan enough to silently plead for more.

“How could I forget you?” Ronan said earnestly. “That’s a little disappointing you would think that.”

His fingers were neatly inspecting the hem in Adam’s jacket sleeve, and he could think of other places he would much rather those hands be inspecting.

“I never said that,” he said, gulping. He was being drawn back in _again_ and he was slipping into Ronan’s orbit _again_. “ _You_ said that. I wasn’t sure if you still wanted to talk to me.”

“Ah, well.” His hand fell off Adam’s shoulder. “I don’t, actually. Goodbye.” He turned to leave and Adam grunted, physically rattled, waiting and watching as Ronan walked a few steps off toward the house. The photographer looked as confused as Adam felt, waiting more patiently as Ronan turned back to them.

“You’re not laughing,” he noticed, when he was once again hot at Adam’s side. “That was supposed to be hilarious.”

“I’m laughing on the inside.”

Ronan started to lean up against the tree and he tilted his head off to the side. “See, I don’t believe you.”

Nothing made sense. It was as if October didn’t happen and that it did at the same time, that this was simply a brief time after that and also years later. A smile was pulled out of him, unable to avoid it any longer, the brightness of his mood appearing on his face. Ronan smiled back.

After a few more photos, the photographer explained they were done and they could go. On their way back to the front of the house Ronan touched at him again, again at the shoulder and again so gently the feeling of him immediately calmed Adam.

“Do you need a ride?” he asked, head bobbing towards the front door. “Travis and I can drive you to the reception if you need.”

“I drove,” and Ronan looked a little dejected, “but I appreciate the gesture.”

“Ready to go?”

Travis appeared with car keys in hand, taller than Adam remembered him being. He suddenly felt very short, even though he was only a few spare inches shorter than either man. While he knew Travis was straight, a hot bed of jealousy prickled at him a little at the way he nudged into Ronan’s shoulder so casually.

“Travis, you know Adam, right?” Ronan was doing the polite thing, introducing them to each other.

“I don’t think so…”

Adam wasn’t surprised he couldn’t remember him. At the time of their wedding he barely interacted with Orla, and since becoming good friends with her he wasn’t part of the picture much anymore. Still, Ronan jabbed an elbow into Travis and scowled.

“He was at your wedding, jackass,” he said.

Travis grimaced. “I’m so sorry,” he said. I’m terrible with faces. One of Orla’s friends, I’m guessing. Nice to meet you – err, again.”

“You as well.”

Travis had a firm handshake, Adam noticed, when they shook hands. For some strange reason Ronan looked pleased by this meeting, and Adam made sure not to hold out hope that there was more to his thin smile than a simple ‘friend meets other friend’ feeling. When Travis let go of his hand, the man sighed, the hand moving to the back of his thick hair.

“It’s weird being back here,” he said, “under these circumstances. Most of the Fox Way women have been fine with me today, but I think Gwenllian put a curse on me.”

“That’s just how she is, I think,” said Adam. He chewed on the inside of his cheek, desperate to hold onto the last bit of Ronan he had left before the reception, where he knew he was going to be bombarded by his friends and feelings. “But you and Orla are good, though, right?”

“Never better,” Travis smiled, “which is probably not the best thing to admit when we’re divorced now.” After a second he let out an awkward laugh, looking down at his shiny shoes.

“Some people just aren’t meant to be married,” said Ronan.

This sent a thousand prickling pinches to Adam’s chest. He was going to suffer a heart attack at this rate. Travis looked between the pair of them and seemed to notice something in the unsaid and he stepped back.

“I’m going to go grab the car and bring it around. Be right back. Nice to see you, Adam.”

“You, too, Travis.”

They shook hands a second time, less firmly this round, and then he started off down the street. When he left, Ronan was gazing at him with hooded eyes.

“What is it?” Adam asked.

The look dissipated into a plain expression.

“How’s the promotion treating you?” he asked.

It was time for casual, boring small talk it seemed. Was that all they were left with now?

“Fairly well,” Adam answered just the same. “I have employees under me now, which is new.”

“So now you have people you can boss around all day?” Ronan appeared pleased by this. Strange, strange man.

“I wouldn’t use those words exactly,” Adam drew out, unmoved by his teasing expression, “but as you so lovingly put it, yes.”

Ronan raised one eyebrow and Adam could feel himself starting to fog over looking into those eyes. They were trying to penetrate him, but he put up a barrier this time, unwilling to allow them in any longer. Adam could hold out just long enough until Travis came back, surely. This wasn’t going to be like all the times before. _Friends._ _Acquaintances. Comrades. Fellow wedding attendee._

“Nearly a year since we met,” Ronan noted. He was facing him completely, overpowering him with his whole body the way he stood so close and yet so far. A perfect distance that teased what could be and reminded him what couldn’t. “Strange how time passes, how quick everything changes.”

“Going to get all philosophical on me, Lynch?” The words didn’t come out right, less humorous in their execution.

“Every time I see you, I feel as if no time has passed.” Adam swallowed hard. The fuck was Ronan doing? His eyes were cast down at their shadows touching on the ground, and his fingers were teasing Adam the way they reached out just enough but did not make contact. “It’s as if we meet at a space in time where nothing from the outside world can affect it. It’s only us, the same time, same place, and same two people meeting inside it. Have you noticed that?”

Adam took a deep breath. “Don’t say things like that.”

“It’s just an observation,” Ronan said with a shrug.

“You know it’s not. You’re the one who—“ A few people passed by from inside the house to go out toward their cars, and Adam went silent, unsure why he had. There was a great deal about how he responded to Ronan that he didn’t understand, himself. When they were gone he poked at Ronan’s chest, any excuse to touch him. “We can’t keep doing this.”

Travis’s car pulled up to save Ronan from responding, and he acknowledged it with a full shift of his body. “See you at the reception,” he said, starting for the car.

“You’re a menace,” Adam called out.

Ronan grinned at that. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Adam took in a few more deep breaths, staring daggers at the car as it drove away. “Fucker,” he whispered under his breath.

 

\---------------------------------

 

Adam was briefly allowed an escape from facing reality as he drove to where the reception was being held. Driving alone allowed him to clear his head, escape a while from everything. This town was strange, almost identical to the one he was from only one town over. Strange in that he had come here a dozen times before since he met Blue, probably even when he used to live in Virginia, yet the weight of how similar it was to his once called home was never so heavy until now. As he thought of the future he couldn’t help but think of the past, think of how far he had managed to come, and yet how some parts of him still felt the repercussions of the life once lived here. How he couldn’t just tell Ronan how he really felt, couldn’t just be honest that he was falling for him so hard he was scared of the landing. It was weird to be back.

Tad was already at the reception when he arrived, and thankfully (or not) Ronan wasn't. While during dinner he would be sitting next to Blue, for the time being he sat at the table Tad chose (Blue was vehement about there being open seating), talking about nothing in particular. Everything his overworked mind was trying to work through was eased into a dull silence at the back of his thoughts, focusing on Tad's discussion on the migration of birds instead.

"Are you surprised to see Ronan here?" Tad said, as more and more people filtered in. Adam reeled.

"No, I knew he was coming," he said. Admission is the first step in recovery, he thought. "I don't want to talk about him."

Tad made an odd noise, like he had taken in too much air and needed to exhale it fast. His gaze drifted briefly and Adam wondered if he was laughing at him. He became infinitely more tired as a result.

Behind Tad was the front door, and from there he could see Orla and Helen coming in together, Helen whispering something into Orla's ear, making her blush a little. He stood straight upon seeing them, needing a break from Tad more than he needed a break from thinking about everything else.

"I'll be back," he said over his shoulder, right before walking to catch up with Orla and Helen.

"Hey," he said, almost out of breath. They moved fast.

Orla glanced at him, then past him to Tad. A smirk attached to her lips so similar to Blue's. "You enjoying yourself over there?"

Helen looked confused. While she and Orla had been dating a while now, Helen didn't really hang out with the rest of them all that much, unlike Orla.

"I was," he said. "Um, where is everyone?"

"Blue and my brother are on their way," said Helen. "Don't know about the rest."

"He's really only asking about one person," said Orla. She was still smirking, and Adam rolled his eyes at her.

"I am not."

"Who?" asked Helen, then like a light bulb going off above her head her eyes went a little wider, "Oh, right. Ronan, right?"

Adam groaned. "I wasn't asking about him.” He really didn’t mean to be.

"Yes, well, at any rate he and Travis are on their way too. They got lost apparently."

"How is it, being friends after everything?" Adam asked.

Orla looked almost pleased by his question. "It’s going rather well actually," she said. "It was obvious from the beginning we were never going to work as a couple, yet we tried anyway. Almost forced it, instead of letting it happen naturally which it wouldn't have. Now we're trying out the friends thing, and he’s a much better friend than he was a husband."

Helen tugged on Orla's hand. "We're going to go change out of these dresses. See you later, Adam."

"Yeah." But Adam wasn't listening to them anymore. He wasn't paying attention to them anymore. What Orla just described felt very familiar, only in the opposite way. He and Ronan were forcing this friendship so much, when they owed it to themselves to try for something more. His hands curled into fists at his sides, wishing it were that easy. He went back over to Tad, to wait it out until the rest of his friends arrived.

 

\------------------------------------

 

"My daughter's getting married!"

Blue was straining not to jump across the space between her and her father, Artemus, to kill him. Gansey was holding her back, Adam at the ready to help. He arrived an hour into the reception, drunk and loud and ever the reminder why Maura kicked his ass out.

"I'm married already!" Blue said, protesting Gansey's strength with all of hers. His hands were slipping. "You didn't even get to the _reception_ on time."

"Time is an illusion," said Artemus. "Time is what we want to see, not what we really see. I am perfectly on time in several different realities."

"The fuck he going on about?" said Ronan. "This is your dad, Blue?"

"Unfortunately."

Artemus frowned at that. He wanted to say something else but then there was Calla at his right and he recoiled with a start.

"Get back, demon!" he exclaimed, then relaxed into a chuckle with a swig of the drink he brought with him. "Oh, Calla, hello. It's you. I almost didn't recognize you. You've gotten old."

"So have you, Artemus," she noted, pointing at his already graying hair. "Do you enjoy living life knowing you're an utter disappointment to your daughter and were a shit husband?"

"Every day's a journey."

Adam moved in between him and Blue before she broke free from Gansey's hold.

"Blue, come on," he said. "Let's go dance."

"Let me give him a black eye first," she said. "For posterity."

"Not worth it," he reasoned.

She flattened her lips, her scowl still in place, as she glanced between Adam and Artemus, deciding between the two options. Artemus and Calla were arguing now behind him, and in front of him Gansey was still holding onto Blue, but talking to Ronan over his shoulder about something he couldn't quite hear.

"I want you to go, Artemus," Blue finally said, stern but the rage inside her simmered down. "I wanted you at my _wedding_ , not my _reception_."

Artemus could see the hurt in his daughter's eyes and he stopped talking to Calla, stopped smiling as a whole. "I'm sorry," he said.

"Sorry doesn't cut it," she groaned, and then she slipped out of Gansey's grip and stormed off.

"Blue- Blue, wait!" Both Gansey and Artemus rushed after her, leaving behind Ronan, Travis, Adam and Calla in their wake. Blue broke through the crowd of dancing to escape out the back, and Gansey and Artemus disappeared soon after still following.

Calla looked between Adam and Ronan, eyes narrowing more and more each time her face went from one to the other. Adam felt like he was being sized up, or perhaps she was sensing something there between them with her abilities. He didn't know what exactly was happening, just that something was, and he recoiled from her, breaking her concentration.

"It's too late," she said, pointing at Ronan, who flinched at the finger she wagged in his face. Then she pointed it at Adam and added, "Don't wait." Her eyes then drifted to Travis and she shook her head. “I can’t even begin with you.”

More riddles. Fantastic.

When she walked off Ronan looked behind him in the direction Blue and Gansey left, like he was trying to decide to follow or not. Adam didn't want him to follow. He wanted him to stay, to talk.

Travis took one look between the two and stepped away. “I’m going to go find Orla,” he said before stepping away further.

“Thanks for the update, Trav,” said Ronan.

“Anytime, my friend.”

Then there were two. Adam so desperately wanted to continue their talk about earlier, to ask him what it was he was going on about. Ronan gestured around them instead, forcing him to lose his nerve.

“Gansey said you’re from around here,” he said.

Looking at the space Gansey once occupied, Adam groaned and cursed under his breath. “Of course he did,” he said. “Yeah, I’m from one town over.”

Ronan nodded somberly. “It’s pretty here.”

“It can be.”

Ronan looked to be absorbing his mood, noticing the way Adam held himself a little less straight, stared at him a little off kilter. He did not want to talk about hometowns. And perhaps Ronan could see this on his face, for he leaned in to him.

“There’s so much on my mind, but I don’t know how to word any of it.”

Adam had that exact same feeling, but he said instead, “You’re doing pretty well so far.”

“I put it all in an email, but I never sent it.”

An email. Adam sparked at this, tingled all over. His back went straight and his eyes refocused onto Ronan’s sharp face. “Really?” He leaned in, too, though there was no reason for it other than to test the boundaries he knew should be left alone. “Can I read it?”

Ronan flushed, head bowing. “That’s not a good idea. I wasn’t in the right mind space when I wrote it. I was feeling a lot when I wrote it. Just after when we last saw one another in October.”

“The infamous visit.”

A smile teased at Ronan’s lips, his eyes still averted from Adam’s. “Infamous is right,” he agreed.

“Send it anyway,” Adam whispered. “I want to read it. Please.”

They were boyish in their behavior, children really, standing at the center of the dance floor as bodies started moving in around them. Secrets were shared in timid smiles and stolen glances like two middle school boys discovering themselves with each other. Adam was very much aware how in love he was and how impossible it was to not be.

“Make it worth my while,” said Ronan, playful in his delivery.

Adam almost flushed at the ideas whirling round in his head, knowing almost all of them were inappropriate at this point in their friendship.

“I still owe you that hot dog,” he said.

“Pass.”

“A drink?” Adam was running out of PG rated offers.

“How about a dance?” Ronan suggested.

“There’s no music,” Adam pointed out. “You want to embarrass me, Lynch?”

“That was the plan, and now you’ve gone and ruined it.”

Adam smiled. He hated how easy it was to smile with Ronan. Part of him knew they were repeating a cycle at this point, and eventually he would have Ronan out of his suit and on a bed if they continued to play out the same steps as the last two weddings, but Adam didn’t want that anymore. He wanted something real, what this _could_ be.

After a moment of silence, he shrugged, noncommittal. “ _I guess_ I’ll give you one dance,” he said, playing dangerously close to fire.

That fire became hotter when Ronan smiled, quickly dimming when he faltered in hesitation. Adam wanted to know his mind, know what he was thinking, feeling. Even if it might have been written so soon after that emotional standoff, where Adam lost to Ronan’s reason, he still wanted to know him. That email could offer that, even if it was outdated.

They were at a standstill as Ronan was thinking of what to do next. Adam had given into the offer of a dance, and now it was his turn to accept or decline.

With a deep breath Ronan reached into one of his back pockets, and Adam’s heart soared high as he pulled out his phone. His eyes darted down, glancing at the screen, pushing past texts and other emails. There was another mild hesitation before he touched the phone with one last click, and then his eyes reached up to Adam’s with a completely naked expression.

This was more than just an email, Adam realized. He reached for him, wanting to feel the solidness of him one last time. As he reached out, his phone buzzed in his pocket, and he was halted from moving any closer.

“That’s from me,” said Ronan. “In case that wasn’t obvious.”

“Oh.” A little too quick he grabbed for his phone from his pocket. The email showed up as a notification and he swiped on it, hands shaking just a little. Why was he so nervous? Ronan was right there in front of him, and even he didn’t look all that nervous. Upon a glance upward he realized that was a bit of an overstatement. He, too, looked unnerved at the idea of this email.

Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to read it. But it was too late. Adam was reading it.

 

From: greywaren@yahoo.com

To: parrish.adam7@gmail.com

Subject: No subject

 

**i'm sorry that things always keep ending abruptly between us and i don't mean for that to be the case. i would've liked to have said this in person, but i'm not very good at vocalizing my feelings and so i spent the entire plane ride writing this down.**

**i like you, but i don't think we should keep doing this runaround thing we've been doing. while i would love nothing more than to be able to kiss you anytime i want, it's confusing and unfair to both of us to keep doing this to each other. this middle space where we don't know where to go, or what to do. friends with benefits? it doesn't seem very beneficial, when you put your heart into something and know you aren't getting everything out of it you really want.**

**i have to consider opal into everything i do now and i don't want to force you into something you aren't ready for. dating someone with a kid isn't the same as dating someone without, and everything i do is based on the choices i make for two people, myself and her.**

**now while you might be thinking 'hey, this asshole didn't give me the chance to even consider the possibility of wanting to date him even knowing he has a kid', yeah i didn't, because i tried once and it did not work out. you might think you're ready for it, but you're not, and somewhere down the line you're going to be like 'fuck i am not capable of helping raise a kid.' not you, personally. a general you.**

**i apologize if this offends you at all, but i can no longer go into a relationship anymore without thinking of the consequences if and when it does not work out. and living across the world like we do, i just know it won't. not long term. and i don't want to lose knowing you at all. these months have been amazing, and i don't want them to stop, just one part of them.**

**i would still like to be friends, adam. very very much. but i really can't afford to keep kissing you and holding you knowing it's a short lived satisfaction. it's unfair, i realize, when i myself have instigated 98% of the times we have broken our rule, so that's why i'm writing now. requesting that if we get the chance to see each other again, if you'll let me see you again, we truly and 100% commit to friendship. at the slightest hint of something escalating, we stop, we breathe, and we maintain that boundary. hopefully it'll get easier, but maybe it won't, and at that point we'll figure out the next step from there.**

**but in the meantime i think it's worth a try to try out being friends for real. no slips.**

**what do you think? if you don't want that, i completely understand, and i won't hold it against you. i understand if you may be angry or hurt, because i know i would be if i were you and i just want you to know these four months were great. just let me know what you're thinking. that's all i ask.**

**what do you want?**

 

When he looked up Ronan looked even more nervous than before, fidgeting. His brow rose a little, like _Well?_ His hands were twitching at his sides, breath catching as Adam put his phone away.

Meanwhile, Adam was speechless. He could feel a lump forming in his throat, unable to swallow around it. Eyes were stinging, room spinning. That was more than he bargained for.

“Parrish?”

“I—“

“Hey, it’s almost time for speeches.” Cheng was at Adam’s side before he realized what was happening. There was a small slap to his back, startling him back into the present. His eyes were still glued to Ronan’s, neither able to look away. There was a lot being unsaid, most of it in Adam’s mind. Most of it was actually screaming internally. “You're up after Maura. You ready?”

“I left something in my car. I’ll be right back.”

He was gone before anyone said anything, starting for the door. Only halfway through the room did he realize both Noah and Cheng were on his backside.

“You don’t have to follow me out,” he said. “I don’t need an entourage.”

“Remember, we’re Parrish’s Seven,” said Noah.

“What did you need from your car?” Leave it to Cheng to remain on topic.

“A moment alone,” said Adam.

“Too bad,” and Cheng was messing up Adam’s hair with a swift hand.

_What do you want?_

What Adam wanted was becoming more and more impossible each time he and Ronan crossed paths. He started gripping his phone so hard in his palm he was sure it was going to crack under the pressure, fully aware Ronan was watching him leave.

Outside, both Cheng and Noah set him down on the sidewalk. When his hands touched at the cold cement, felt the cold bite of the air, he slackened and then leaned forward, resting his face in his hands. At some point one of them must have taken his phone from him, or maybe he had set it down himself, but now it was at his side on the sidewalk, between him and Henry. They sat beside him, a safe distance so he could breathe. He closed his eyes and thought about what he really wanted.

He wanted Ronan, but he couldn’t live with just a taste of this. He was selfish and starving and wanted it all. His heart couldn’t handle this halfway point they were at, and he didn’t want to force Ronan’s hand but that appeared to be the only option. Ronan had to decide if he wanted to give this a try… or not try at all.

 

\------------------------

 

The speeches went over quick. Adam managed to make everyone laugh several times during his, and Blue hugged him so tight at the end he swore he was lifted off the ground an inch. Everyone’s speeches were heartfelt, including Ronan’s, half of which was in Gaelic that somehow Gansey must have understood or pretended to because he laughed when Ronan did.

Blue and Gansey’s first song was “Africa” by Toto, and he and Ronan made distinct eye contact at the memory of their first conversation. While he knew Blue chose it ironically, the lyrics made him think. About what he was going to do about Ronan. About how he felt. About all the things he was missing and knew he could have – knew he _deserved_ – waiting for Ronan.

At some point Adam found himself at the bar, waiting for a coke, half attempted to add rum to it but aware he needed a clear mind tonight. It was cluttered enough already. Tad approached him as he was waiting, tapping him on one shoulder and then appearing on his other side.

When he realized who it was, he tried not to be obvious with his mild disappointment. Since he last spoke to Ronan was an hour ago, in between then and now filled with visible sightings of each other but the inability to converse, surrounded by those who held them up in conversations or activities that prevented Adam from talking to Ronan. The wait was killing him, and he could see him even now clear across the room, stuck in a conversation with Persephone, probably telling him to fly like a bird too.

“So you and Ronan, how's that going?” asked Tad.

“Nowhere, really,” Adam admitted. Sometimes it was easiest talking to Tad, knowing nothing he said could get back to his friends, whereas even the faintest sigh or glance noticed by any of his friends was analyzed and shared between the group. He suspected even this was being analyzed by one of them, somewhere in the small crowd.

“That’s too bad,” said Tad. “It's hard moving on from someone like that....”

Adam didn't want to agree or disagree so he just stood there looking at him. Tad was looking back.

“You know I'm in love with you, Adam, right?”

That was unexpected. Extremely unexpected. “I—“ Adam startled. “No, I didn’t. This is— news.”

Tad’s expression softened, and he noticed he wasn’t standing as close to Adam as he allowed these past months. There was a clear separation between them, a difference in the way Tad held himself. Stronger.

“I've been in love with you for ages,” he said with a small, tin laugh. “It's kind of hard not to love you. That's the problem. But recently I've realized something.”

While he wasn’t sure he wanted to know, Adam asked anyway. “What’s that?”

“I deserve better.”

This was revealing on several levels. Adam completely agreed, but he also felt like an asshole, but he also knew this was what he needed to say to Ronan. Adam deserved better than to wait forever for him.

“I completely agree,” he said.

One of Tad’s hands gently touched at his wrist, long enough to imply something but not long enough for Adam to catch what that was.

“You're great, Adam,” he said, “and I mean that. I simply don't think anyone is ever going to compare to him when you're so in love with him.”

Again with the surprise attacks in word form.

“In love?” Adam sputtered out knee jerk reactions and responses to the statement, trying to deny it. “I don't love him,” he said. “I'm so not—”

“You bring him up any chance you get when we're talking, and you've been watching him all night, and the brief moment you were talking to each other you looked so happy even without having to smile.”

Well, fuck.

“You got me there,” said Adam. His shoulders sagged as he pressed himself against the bar counter, head falling into hands.

Tad’s head turned to search through the crowd briefly, until he found what he was looking for. “Have you told him how you feel?” he asked.

The bartender appeared as if on cue, and Adam quickly grabbed his drink and downed half of it in need of something to distract himself. This was a very sudden and serious conversation they were having, and he needed a minute for his brain to catch up to the emotions being exchanged.

“Now you’re going to try to be matchmaker, too?”

“Just want you to be happy.” Tad fingered the straw in the drink in his hands. His voice went soft. “That's all I've ever wanted for you, but for the longest time I thought that could be me. Stupid, huh?”

Adam stood straight. “That's not stupid.”

“You should tell him.”

What Adam should do and what he wanted to do were two very different things. What he wanted to do was tell Tad to mind his own business, but couldn’t. What he wanted to do was take a break from all these feelings.

“Waiting for all this true love stuff.” Tad took a sip of whatever he was drinking. Something clear, but definitely not water. “Gets you nowhere. You have to go out there and grab it, or simply be willing to settle.”

“Thanks, Tad... I think.”

After a few more seconds Tad left him to stew in his thoughts, Adam’s mind working hard tonight to make sense of everything he was feeling, trying to categorize the emotions mingled inside. Whatever he felt for Tad’s confession was put into the category of _definitely can’t handle this right now_. His mind was so overworked he chewed up the straw in his drink and had to ask for another.

When the coast was clear of Tad, he left the bar with his soda refilled, with the innocent intention of running into Ronan again at some point. He was lost in the crowd again, but apparently Adam wasn’t.

Blue approached him from out of nowhere and yanked his drink out of his hand.

“What’s in this?” she demanded, sniffing it.

“Coconut water,” Adam said dryly. “What does it look like, Blue?”

Risking it, she took a small sip, and then narrowed her eyes a little. “Just checking.”

“Now I can’t drink?”

“Not after last night,” said Blue, and she handed his drink back to him. “You feeling alright, by the way?”

“No longer hungover, if that’s what you’re asking.” Adam noted the underlying message in Blue’s questions. “But that’s not what you’re asking.” He sighed. “One of these days I’m going to keep my mouth shut about my love life.”

“Today is not that day. Come on. I requested the next song just for you. Dance with me.” Before he knew it she was pulling at his hand.

“Blue….” He did not move. There was something mischievous in her smile as the current song came to an end. The next song started to play just as she managed to pull him a few steps closer toward the dance floor.

“ _My mind’s telling me no….”_

“Blue, I’m going to kill you.”

_“But my body… My body’s telling me y-e-e-ess….”_

“Subtle,” he added.

Her grin broadened proudly. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Again, she pulled on his arm as the beat started to come in and the music started pulling people onto the dance floor. “Dance with me, or else it’s really obvious why I picked this song.”

As he rolled his eyes he gave in and let her drag him the rest of the way, intermingling with those already present and dancing. Mildly, he made the motions, even as the others joined in, starting with Noah and his girlfriend, followed by the Henrys. A little ways later Orla, Helen and Travis entered, and finally Gansey and Ronan.

Ronan was up close to him, making sure not to touch. Even so, their eyes linked as if there was almost no space between them, as if there was no one else on the floor.

“What a throwback!” said Noah over the music.

“This song is as old as we are, Noah,” Adam remarked. “Can we really call it a throwback?”

“I’m sure I heard it when I was in the crib,” Noah reasoned.

“Yeah,” Cheng laughed. “Your mother really seems the type to have played this for her baby son.”

This was a moment Adam wouldn’t allow himself to forget. The most important people in his life all stood on this dance floor, surrounding him and swathing him with love and affection and tenderness even if all they were doing was dancing at his side. This moment felt important, and Adam knew he shouldn’t waste it, but his eyes again and again kept refocusing on Ronan. Through two songs his eyes were only on him, Ronan holding his gaze even when Blue moved to dance between them like a human shield.

“Blue, you should dance with Gansey,” Adam finally had to speak up. “You know, your husband?”

“Eh. He’s fine.” She waved off the thought. “I can dance with him any time I want to. I want to dance with _you_.”

The song started shifting into another; a slower, melancholic beat.

“Blue.”

Before she had a chance to offer anything in the form of a response, there was Ronan standing beside her, a hand offered to Adam. There she was in the middle of this moment, and only then did it dawn on her she couldn’t stop Adam from jumping back onto this runaway train. Here he was again, exactly where he shouldn’t, taking Ronan’s hand and being pulled deeper into the mass of bodies on the dance floor.

“Your funeral,” he heard Blue mutter as he let Ronan lead, too tired to lead himself. There he pressed in tight against him, just wanting to feel him. His head rested at Ronan’s shoulder, and after a few lyrics Ronan’s chin rested on his head.

Their hands still fit perfectly together. Ronan still smelled really good, a solid that grounded him when nothing else could. His mind was clear for the first time that night, just feeling Ronan breath in tempo with him.

“Your friends are watching us very peculiarly,” he said.

“They think you’re going to break my heart.”

Ronan’s hand squeezed his tight. “That’s the furthest thing from my mind, Adam,” he said.

Burning. His skin was burning from the flames of the fire he had played with all night. He took in a sharp intake of breath, unable to hold back the reaction, almost collapsing into Ronan he could feel the weight of his affection pull him down so much and so fast.

In the silence, Adam pleaded to be pulled closer with a tug at his shoulder with the hand that was placed there. Ronan seemed to understand, holding him tighter by the waist.

Slowly they turned, and eventually Adam could see his friends indeed staring. Noah and the Henrys were sitting around a table, watching. Blue and Gansey were standing around staring conspicuously, next to Travis and Orla who were also eyeing them profoundly.

The song was over before they knew it, melding into another, a lighter fare. Do they keep dancing, Adam wondered, now that he fulfilled his end of the bargain, now that the song no longer called for close proximity? Adam wanted to kiss him so badly, but they were in public, even if he could see the look of want expressed in Ronan’s eyes too. He could feel it in the way he touched him.

Maybe a peck wouldn’t hurt, he thought. A small kiss to end this chapter of the night. Unable to help himself, he tilted in, but the universe was against him. There was mike feedback at the main table, someone having grabbed the microphone. Like a spell lifted, Ronan and him parted to turn and see Artemus at the helm.

Drunk and slovenly, he raised a glass to the sky, the mike placed too close to his mouth they could all hear his hard breathing.

“My daughter got married today, and I wasn’t there for that.”

Quick Adam searched for Blue to find her trying to pull from Gansey’s grip, likely wanting to strangle Artemus and that urge only growing with each second he stood in front of everyone talking. Ronan had moved from his side, as he started making his way to the front for Artemus.

“I wasn’t there for a lot of things.” Artemus swayed a little, but managed to catch himself before tipping. “I’ve not been the greatest father, but she still came out pretty well. Maura would like you to believe that I’m—”

“It’s time for you to go, Artemus,” said Travis, beating Ronan to the front to yank the microphone out of the man’s hand. Ronan wasn’t far behind to gesture for Artemus to step down.

“Come on, old man. Get the fuck down.”

“I’m giving a speech! I’m the father of the bride!”

“Only technically,” Travis argued. “Come on. Don’t make a bigger ass of yourself than you already have… Let’s go…”

Artemus continued to argue with both Travis and Ronan as he was gently and not so gently guided down and away from the group that formed around the dance floor. The pair guided him toward the back, leading him away from the rest of the event to sober up somewhere quietly.

When they were gone the dancing resumed, Blue untensed, and everything felt normal again. Except Adam.

Rather, he needed fresh air, and so again he went outside through the front entrance. The night’s sky was bright and luminous, stars sparkling above. There were more stars in the sky than he had seen in years living in the city. He almost forgot there were so many. A clear visual reminder of how small he was in the grand scheme of things.

“You read the email, right?”

Adam flinched. “Fucking Jesus, Ronan. I didn’t hear you come outside.”

Ronan tensed, too, for some reason. “Shit. Didn’t mean to startle you.”

All night Adam had been on edge, now especially. Even as Ronan neared him at the edge of the sidewalk, he needed a few moments to unwind, relax. When he managed it enough he sighed, turning to Ronan who appeared to still be on edge himself.

“What did you ask me?” he said.

“What did you think about the email?” said Ronan. “You read it, right?”

“I did.”

“And?”

Adam couldn’t do it. He couldn’t confess his feelings. He couldn’t come to terms with what they were and what they weren’t. “You don’t like capitalization, do you?” he said, stealing a card from Ronan and going for humor instead.

Ronan let out a nervous laugh, one singular. “No, I like rebelling against societal expectations of what’s proper and improper,” he replied, playing along.

“So you send out business emails without any capitalization too?”

“Of course. I can’t be seen as a hypocrite.”

Adam snorted. “You’re ridiculous.” His mood was lifted ten notches higher from this, taking in the simple pleasure of just this. It was unfortunate, but he still wasn’t ready to bring up the email yet. He still hadn’t decided his feelings about it. Ronan seemed to recognize that, accept it. It was appreciated he knew not to speak of it, even though it was probably tearing a hole in his chest, too.

“How is life back in Ireland, by the way?” Adam asked. He really only wanted to ask about one thing, about one person. Since October he couldn’t help but wonder more about her, yearning for more information like an addict.

“Really well,” Ronan said, almost cheerily. “I'm having Matthew take over the U.S. deals, though. I need to focus on Opal and the farm.”

That tore the hole in his chest wider. “So no more trips to the states in your imminent future?” He didn’t mean for it to come out so… sad.

“That's right.” Ronan either didn’t hear the tone in the question, or he simply ignored it. “It was fun for a while, but Opal's getting to an age she notices a lot more when I'm gone. School's starting up for her soon and I don't want to miss any of that. Besides, Matthew should be the one seeing the world not me.”

“Why not you? Opal?”

Ronan shook his head, and then Adam sighed. The jokes never lasted as long as they should, he thought.

“I would like to meet her someday,” he confessed.

“I don't think that would be such a good idea,” Ronan replied all too quickly.

“Why not?” Now Adam was annoyed, arms crossing over his chest.

“People leave.” Ronan shrugged. “Opal's had enough people leave in her life, I try to protect her from losing anyone else.”

“Opal, or you?”

The hesitation in his response was enough for Adam to feel a small, prickling sense of pride at figuring him out. Ronan was visibly less pleased with being discovered, and he soured promptly.

“I don't introduce her to new people because they never stay,” he said, distant and cold. “She gets attached and it breaks her heart. It breaks my heart too.”

Adam’s heart was also breaking. He knew his decision. He knew Ronan’s decision. He knew they did not match.

“I don't want to be just friends.” Adam could tell he was on the verge of tears, and he breathed through the urge to let them out. “I want more than that. I'm not satisfied with just a little taste of what this could be. Not anymore. I thought I could be, but it's too hard, Ronan. Every time we say goodbye it physically hurts. If we stop now, it won’t hurt as much as I know it will further down the line. You won’t even consider the idea of introducing me to Opal.”

Adam watched Ronan react, watch his face cloud with sadness and then anger and then shield itself from him completely. He shut himself away from Adam, recoiling a step and avoiding eye contact so suddenly.

“I don’t have to introduce you to her,” he snapped.

“You’re right, you don’t,” Adam agreed, “but at the same time wouldn’t you introduce her to a friend? She’s met Gansey, hasn’t she?”

Ronan faltered at this, and before he could say anything to counter what was said, Adam added, “See. You don’t see me as just a friend.”

Ronan’s jaw slacked. “Gansey’s flown out to visit her,” he said, acid in his tone. “You can’t fly.”

“I hate you,” Adam said, with no heat in his words. They sounded wrong coming out, but he was angry too. Angry that Ronan was throwing a good thing out the window because he was afraid.

Again, Ronan was rattled. That mask of anger on Ronan’s face slipped a little, voice softening. “No, you don’t.”

Adam felt a slip of a tear run down his cheek and he swiped at it fast with the back of his hand. “I want to hate you. That would make this so much easier.”

Before he knew it, Ronan was kissing him and Adam so desperately wanted to push him off. To tell him off. Instead he just kept kissing kissing kissing. Remembering perfectly how all of this went. Their lips fit together so easily, as if they were always meant to meet. Their bodies pressed tight against each other, as if they were always shaped to work.

Tears ran down his cheeks, and he knew Ronan had to feel them wet his skin too. Ronan’s hands came up to either side of his face, sweeping them back and away from their lips, the purity of the kiss untainted by tears.

Adam clung to him, fully aware this was a goodbye kiss. It felt like one, the way Ronan held him tight, the pressure of his mouth bruising and desperate. Adam gripped at his hair, which had grown out enough now he had something to hold onto, and he kissed into him all the things he felt. Willing away these powerful emotions he had storming inside him, hoping that the kiss could somehow transfer them back into Ronan.

There was a scream, and Adam pulled away. Looking at Ronan, he wondered if he heard it too. Ronan answered his question before it was asked by hurrying to return inside.

The dancing had stopped, as people crowded around the center of the dance floor. Adam and Ronan moved through the wall of bodies like a current moving against the rest of the sea. When they reached where it was people were staring Ronan stopped short, and Adam soon came up to his side to find Travis on the ground and Orla knelt beside him. Gansey was trying to resuscitate him, with Blue on the phone, probably to 911.

“What happened?” Adam found himself asking.

Orla shook her head. “I don’t know,” she said. “One minute we were talking and then the next – Travis? Travis, can you hear me?”

Ronan was very still and very quiet at his side.

 

\-------------------------------------

 

The ambulance arrived too late. Travis was gone, though his body remained behind, a strange thing to know that someone was no longer inside anymore. Everyone was outside in the cold winter air, watching as they took Travis away. While Adam didn’t know Travis very well, it was strange to know someone who died. The others knew him, though. Orla was crying into Helen’s shoulder, and Ronan – Ronan knew him well, too. They were close, not as close as he was to Gansey, but enough he went to his wedding for him.

Standing next to him, Ronan was shaking, having been quiet and staring directly ahead into space since it happened. No tears. No sounds. No visual reaction at all. Void of anything externally, but he could tell he was a mess internally.

When the ambulance left Orla wanted to follow, to make arrangements for him. Helen went with her, as did Blue. Ronan stayed behind.

Adam didn’t know what else to do but take his hand in his, letting him know through touch he was here for him, that he wasn’t going anywhere even if just moments ago he said this had to stop. He squeezed Ronan’s hand, and for a second he thought to let go of it to give Ronan space. Ronan gripped his hand tightly back.

“Where are you staying tonight?” came out of Adam without him meaning to say it. The urge to watch over Ronan, make sure he got through the night okay, was overwhelming.

Ronan turned, eyes wide and glossed over. He looked like he was trying not to cry and Adam could relate, but for different reasons.

“No one should be alone tonight,” he added, clarifying his intentions with the question.

Slowly, Ronan nodded, dazed. Voiceless.

Hands still together Adam took him to his car, and then he started driving. At first he drove to nowhere in particular, just around the town. The soft lights of the street lamps bounced off the windows and highlighted the stream of tears falling quietly down Ronan’s face in the passenger seat. Their hands were still together, Adam not wanting to let go, afraid if he did one or both of them would fall apart.

When it came to be a point in the night Adam could tell his body needed to rest, he drove to his hotel instead. Ronan never said where he was staying, and repeating the question sounded pointless.

As soon as he pulled into the parking lot Ronan unbuckled his seatbelt and started lowering the back of his seat until it was as flat as it could go. It was clear he didn’t want to go upstairs, for whatever reason that may be. He was too vulnerable right now to argue with.

“I’ll go get some blankets,” he said, and quietly he went back up to the room, grabbing pillows and blankets for them both. He came back to the car to find Ronan already asleep, hands under his cheek to give him some comfort. Gently, Adam lowered his hands and replaced them with a pillow under his head, lying a blanket down around him as well. He, too, lay his seat down flat, turning so he could lie on his side and stare at Ronan asleep. There he memorized his face for possibly the last time.

Maybe one day they truly _could_ be friends, but for now there had to be that separation. The two blended together so forcefully it was impossible to try just one. It was all or nothing, and Adam knew asking him to choose now was impossible.

Ronan stirred back awake at some point while Adam was still trying to fall asleep. In the pitch black he could barely make out the lines in Ronan’s face, but he could tell he was still crying. In this silence they stared at each other best they could, Adam wishing there was something he could do for him other than this. Another way to comfort him.

He was gone by the time Adam woke up the next morning. It hurt less this time, less like a billowing ache and more like ripping a band-aid off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter feels really jumbled i'm sorry. also it's very sad. i'm sorry about that too. bare with me through the sadness! we can do this.
> 
> as always, you can find me on tumblr [here](http://cabeswatergreywaren.tumblr.com). leave a comment and let me know what you think xx


	5. The Funeral of a Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You can drive.”
> 
> Adam was still frozen staring at the keys in his hands as Ronan passed him to go to the passenger side of the car.
> 
> “I’m not good in the states,” he reasoned. “Wrong side of the road and all that.”
> 
> Adam glanced at him and noted the streaks of damp skin on his face ever present and knew there was a different reason for this.

The funeral was to be held in Connecticut where Travis's family lived, in a cemetery full of hills and open plains. Adam was invited by Orla, as was everyone, but really he was going for one reason.

No one had heard from Ronan directly since Blue and Gansey's wedding. Granted, it had only been a little over a week, but it still unsettled Adam to think he was out there alone. Gansey said he suspected he went back to Ireland, while Orla said she thought she saw him at the store while she was staying with Travis's parents, but couldn't be sure.

Adam and Blue teamed up on Gansey to get Ronan's phone number from him, Adam asking nicely and Blue demanding if he wanted her to go on their honeymoon with him he better hand over the number. Gansey practically ran to his phone at the threat. But when Adam called, Ronan didn't answer. It went straight to voicemail. And he didn't have the strength to leave one. What would he even say? There was too much, and saying it over the phone into a machine felt cold and separated.

Orla was handling the death a lot better than Adam expected, though he wasn't sure what he expected, but something more. He wondered if it was because she was psychic, came from a family of psychics, and was familiar with the idea of death and loss and everything. Either way, she was coping a lot better than Adam knew he would if he lost someone close to him like that. If he... There was no point to dwell on what ifs.

It was three days before the funeral and everyone was starting to unravel, even those of them who barely knew Travis. It was still shocking overwhelming to lose someone so young and even on the outskirts of their social bubble. Adam was over at Cheng and Broadway’s; initially over with the intention of seeing a movie, but Cheng was picking out his suit for that Friday and couldn't bring himself to choose.

"I know I'll never want to wear it again," he said. "When I went to my grandfather's funeral, I wore my favorite suit, my only suit back then. I was proud of that suit, because my grandfather loved me in it. After the funeral though I could never wear it again, because all it reminded me of was him dying and seeing him buried into the ground. I love all these suits. I don't want to have any of them tainted like that one."

"Just buy a new suit," Broadway reasoned.

"Then I'll fall in love with that suit only to wear it one time." Cheng sighed, touching sadly at the sleeves of his suits in his and Broadway's elaborate walk in closet. This prompted Broadway to roll his eyes.

"Bit melodramatic, babe," he said. "Just wear this one then," and he was picking out one that looked a little worn around the edges. Cheng frowned.

"I can't have Travis's parents thinking I don't care enough to wear nice clothes."

"They literally won't care, Henry."

"Adam," and Cheng was looking at him. Adam was only partially paying attention, the other half focused on other things. Part of his mind was dedicated to calculating the time it would take to call a cab to go to the theater, and if they should pick a later showing based on how long this was taking. Another part was thinking about Ronan's outgoing voicemail message, how he listened to it every day since he got his number. Just to hear his voice. Just to remember what he sounded like. It was stupid, he thought, to miss something he never truly had. But Travis's death was affecting them all in different ways. Maybe this was his.

"Adam? Adam. Earth to Parrish."

A rolled up pair of socks were gently thrown at the back of Adam's head. He wheeled, looking to see both Henrys staring at him with different expressions. Cheng was concerned, brow knitted together, while Broadway was a little amused.

"You've been in your own head too much," he said. "Come out here with us."

"We're going to be late," Adam said in reply, ignoring him. "We should get going. Just buy something for the funeral and donate it after, Cheng."

"That's what I just--" Broadway shut his mouth at once.

"Sounds like an option," said Cheng. "I'll think about it."

They let him pretend this was about Travis when everyone knew it had been going on much longer than that. No one wanted to say anything, having said so much already before, now trying to focus all their attention on Orla instead. It was a relief to no longer be the focal point of his group's attention, if only for a little while. When the mourning period was over he suspected they would be on his case again, the last single man of the group. Their obsession with his love life was at times funny and irritating before, but now it was just irritating. A constant reminder of what he did not have, what he used to not want and now was very much a thing he wanted.

 

\-------------------

 

Noah’s girlfriend, Lucy, didn’t like flying either, and so the couple and Adam carpooled to drive down to Connecticut together. Adam sat in the backseat, observant of Noah and Lucy communicating in ASL as best they could when one was driving. It was a simple thing, just talking, but with how many hours Adam spent with Noah practicing ASL with him so he could be able to hold a decent length conversation with Lucy, it was more than that. It was love.

They were so happy, smiling about nothing in particular, talking about the weather in Connecticut, musing on the idea of dropping by Hartford at some point in the future. Adam was happy for Noah, and he knew Noah was thinking of proposing to her. Adam wasn't entirely sure what he would do when that happened.

Not everything had to be about him, he knew this, but self-reflection was a thing Adam did constantly and he was aware of the shift in his friendships since they all started getting married and coupled up. He was the lone wolf amongst them now.

After settling into their hotel room, Noah and Lucy not minding sharing with Adam, as he still liked to save money when the opportunity presented itself, the gang planned a night out together for Orla without all the extra sadness a funeral offered. There was a local bar near the hotel they were all staying at, where they met and hugged Orla upon arrival.

“Thanks for coming, everyone,” said Orla. “I really appreciate it.”

“Of course,” said Blue. “We’re always here for each other."

Since the night was about Orla and her mourning, it was also a night about Travis. Adam learned a lot about him through the night, how Blue knew him better than he initially thought, and how Gansey knew him rather well too. Even Noah knew him a little bit, having gotten the privilege at Blue’s wedding before he collapsed on the dance floor.

Thankfully the topic didn’t stay on Travis all night, or else the drinking would’ve escalated to match the sadness in the subject. Adam wasn’t drinking, but he still felt his senses dulled in the dark, loud bar they sat in, having to crane his neck to catch words thrown around in the circle his friends made at the one booth in the back. It took him a while to realize the subject shifted from talking about Travis to talking about love, not sure how the two blended together and not sure this was a topic he wanted to discuss either.

But they weren’t talking about the love they felt for their partners, but the love they felt for each other. They were all a little bit in love with each other, Cheng mused, before downing a shot of whiskey and proclaiming _another_ rather loudly. Broadway had to physically go get one, because Cheng couldn’t get out of his seat now. And as Cheng sloppily draped an arm across Adam’s shoulders, he did feel that love. He felt it in the way they exasperatingly bugged him about his love life, the way they were concerned for him when he was sad or stressed, the way they helped each other whenever it was needed without asking for anything in return.

Suddenly the night progressed in to talking about how much they all loved Adam, specifically. He wasn’t entirely sure why they were doing this, listening to them rattle on all the things they loved about him.

“You’re so smart, Adam,” said Blue, and Gansey grunted in agreement.

“Why are we doing this?” said Adam, who then pointed to Orla. “This is about her, about her loss and Travis. Not me.”

“Eh. Not everything’s about me.”

Blue snorted a laugh at that, who was then elbowed by her cousin.

“You’ve been in your head lately,” said Noah.

“So sad,” noted Blue.

“You're loved. We all love you, Parrish,” said Cheng.

They were all very drunk.

And then each of them, sans Gansey, moved and kissed Adam on the cheeks until he was blushing and red and hot and visibly emotional, unable to keep the stony exterior he liked to think he had.

Soon after that it became a sappy heaping mess as everyone, sans Adam, got drunk and sloppy in their declarations of love. Adam soaked it all in. He loved his friends.

————————————————————————

At the cemetery the next morning, Adam was nervous of all things. Nervous for a funeral. He was jittery the entire drive over, once again sitting in the backseat of Noah’s car, thinking about all the possible outcomes of the day on the drive over.

They were running late, which Adam was starting to notice had become a pattern, although this time it was not his fault. Noah had taken his sweet time at breakfast that morning, needing a full balanced meal instead of something quick.

“I need a full stomach if I’m going to be around the dead all day,” he said.

When they eventually arrived the event was well under way, so they stood at the back of the small crowd grouped around the coffin. Travis was visibly very loved, the crowd full and wide. There were fewer chairs than there were bodies to fill them. In that space, Adam could make out the Henrys as well as Blue and Orla, but there was visibly someone missing, or at least obscured. In the midst of the pastor’s speech, Adam tried to look around for Ronan, to no avail.

He could tell who were Travis’s parents by the way they were torn up, crying the most and sitting beside Orla and Helen.

"We meet here today to honor and pay tribute to the life of Travis Ricci, and to express our love and admiration for him. Also to try to bring some comfort to those of his family and friends who are here and have been deeply hurt by his sudden death.”

At this point even Noah was getting emotional, consoled by Lucy. Under the winter sun, Adam’s suit became very taxing as it beat down on them. Adam was beside himself at the thought that Ronan hadn’t come, that Ronan was elsewhere alone and uncomforted.

The morning shifted into early afternoon as the pastor continued with his readings and speech, and then others started to take his place to recite their eulogies. Orla went first, reading Maya Angelou’s poem _When Great Trees Fall_ as way to say goodbye to Travis. In her eulogy she spoke of how quick someone can come into your life and shake it up, how grateful she was to have had him in her life at all, and how she would forever cherish the time they shared, however brief.

After her, Travis’ mother gave a speech, mostly cut up in chunks interrupted by heavy tears. Then his dad went after, who was crying even worse. As more and more people came up to speak on Travis’s behalf, Adam was suspecting Ronan really wasn’t even there. He wasn’t a part of the crowd, and he wasn’t coming.

Half the crowd at this point had gone up to speak, and still no Ronan. Adam’s heart sank. While he was here for Orla, and for Travis whom he barely knew, he knew deep inside he came first for Ronan.

“Would anyone else like to give a eulogy? I think we’ve gone through everyone who wanted to, is that correct?”

“I’ll give one.”

Someone at the front stood up and Adam drank him in. The funeral attendees went quiet once more as Ronan made his way to stand in front of everyone, red eyed and dark circles under his eyes. He looked an absolute mess, collar not quite sitting right against his jacket, tie cockeyed and loose. In his hands was a crumpled up piece of paper that he unfolded enough to read from, scanning it a few times before looking up and around at everyone.

“I’m not great with words,” he started off.

Gansey laughed, the only one to. Ronan side eyed him with disdain, shouldering anger in his glance as well as sorrow.

“Thanks, Gansey,” he said.

Gansey sank down in his seat. “Sorry.”

"I wanted to say something, though,” Ronan continued. "Travis was a good friend. A close friend. He and I met at one of the worst times in my life, and ever since then he was always there for me and I was always there for him. It's.... weird, not having a person you grow accustomed to hearing from and seeing so often no longer be there. I should be used to it by now, but it's hard. He was full of life, full of love, full of such compassion for others even if he didn't always show it in the right way. It goes to show nothing lasts forever, and you should never take things for granted. I miss him. I never even got to say goodbye. Goodbye, Travis. You could be an utter shit sometimes," and everyone laughed through the sadness, "but I'll never forget you or what you did for me. Thanks," he mumbled, awkwardly walking off with the crumpled piece of paper stuffed into his jacket.

He started off towards the edge of the hill and down towards the row of cars that sat parked like a parade on pause. Adam followed after him, unwilling to let him slip away without at least a hello first. 

Ronan was faster, determined to leave, but Adam was desperate to catch up to him. It took Ronan a while to realize someone was trailing him, and he turned enough to glance back to see who was panting so loudly. His eyes went a little wide, before his face became guarded and his body language shifted in a defensive posture. Luckily he stopped at the foot of the hill, allowing Adam to catch up to him.

"Thought you said you weren’t interested in being my friend,” he said, voice hoarse.

Adam stopped short before reaching him, and he squandered the thought of saying something snarky back.

"Do you want me to go?” He didn’t want to impose if he wasn’t welcome. 

Ronan’s lip quivered and he shook his head, eyes shooting downward. "You can stay if you want,” he mumbled, as if Adam was only offering out of pity.

That was most definitely not the case here, and he hoped to prove it somehow. Cautiously he came further, the rest of the way between them. Once close enough, he wasn’t sure if touching was allowed. So he didn’t.

“That was a nice speech,” he said, genuine.

"You don't have to coddle me. I know it was terrible.”

“Just because you didn't bring out a poem to recite doesn't mean it wasn't nice.” Adam was struggling here. Ronan couldn’t manage to look up at him at all, to meet his gaze or react at all. He looked numb, hollow, a very different Ronan than the one who tried to sneak into a garden, who stubbornly burned his mouth with a sandwich, who kissed Adam as if his kisses were the oxygen he needed to survive. “I'm sure he would've appreciated it. It was short and sweet. Very you.”

“I'm not short.”

That sounded a little more like him, but the tone was all off.

“You know what I meant,” said Adam.

Ronan's lips quivered again and he tried to disguise swiping a tear by brushing at his nose. There was little Adam knew he was allowed to do, but so badly did he want to touch him, to comfort him. A hug. A touch of the hand. Even a nudge of his foot would be enough. Just _something_.

“You think?” His voice was as shaky as his lower lip. While Ronan clearly practiced his poker face he couldn’t fool Adam. After a second he kicked at the ground a little, dirt pulling up, while his hands dug deep into his pants pockets. His shoulders slouched inward, like he was protecting himself.

“I do,” and Adam was putting his hands casually in his pockets in turn. “Are you going to the wake after?”

“Nah.” Ronan kicked at the ground again, starting to dig a hole in the dirt with the toe of his shoe. Even still, his eyes remained wholly turned downward. “Not my style.”

“Oh.” The sky was starting to cloud over, cold seeping into Adam’s skin when just a moment ago he felt shockingly warm for late winter. “Well, I was going to head over with the others if you change your mind. Or did you want me to…”

He did not know how to finish that sentence. He did not know how to comfort Ronan when there were so many walls and layers between them. This was tearing him apart inside, the look of pain visible on Ronan’s stretched thin face, his whole body wrought with ache. He was a leaf trembling against the wind, trying to hold on to the branch on which it resided, barely managing it and likely to be pulled free with one great gust. Adam wanted to protect him from that gust.

“I don't want to be a bother.”

“Ronan.”

Adam gave him a concerned look, and with this found strength to inch closer. With the gentlest, smallest of touches he placed his hand at Ronan’s elbow, the safest place he could think of to connect. The touch was like a release, and Ronan completely broke down into him. His arms remained down at his side as he buried his face deep against Adam’s neck, tickling his skin with his tears. Harsh cries were had at his shoulder as Ronan quaked against him. Adam held him tight, wishing he could take away his pain somehow. The best he could offer was this, being a weight he could lean on, and a hand that ran in a circular motion at his back while Ronan continued to cry.

 _I’m here for you_ , he thought, but could not form the words aloud.

They stood like this a while, even as Ronan’s arms slowly rose up to wrap around him too. At his back he could feel Ronan’s hands slightly tug at his jacket, holding on with all the strength his body allowed. As time passed, Ronan’s crying changed, from heavy sobs to mild tears to sniffling, and then simple silence as he kept his face resting there against the wet skin of Adam’s neck. Tears trickled down his collar and onto his shoulder, meeting with the cloth of his dress shirt. Ronan was still crying, quietly now, without any shakes and gasps for breath. Neither wished to move, nor wished for the other to. Adam would stand there all night if Ronan wanted.

Behind them, at the top of the hill, people started filtering downward towards the cars. Their voices could be heard behind Adam, but he would not move. Ronan did. At once he recoiled when he registered others were coming their way, wiping his eyes with the heel of his palm. Two of his fingers came up to Adam’s neck, noting the darkened material wet from his tears. Without speaking a word they exchanged an entire conversation, Ronan appearing apologetic and Adam taking his hand in his and letting it be known he didn’t care. It was just a shirt. Just tears. He still looked a wreck, and with his other hand Adam wiped another stray tear that came down Ronan’s cheek. To this, Ronan closed his eyes and Adam let the hand stay a second too long at his face.

“Hi!”

Noah’s voice was startling. Adam jumped. Ronan recoiled an inch.

“Are you coming with us to the wake?”

It took both Adam and Ronan too long to realize Noah was talking to Ronan and not to Adam. The Irishman made eyes with him a second, an unfamiliar glance, before turning back to Noah with a shrug.

“I guess,” he grunted.

Adam liked that he changed his mind.

“Cool.” Noah was nodding as Lucy caught up to them, the rest of the crowd moving around them like a parting sea to reach their cars on the other side. “You want a ride?”

“I drove,” said Ronan.

As always Noah was up to something, glancing between both Adam and Ronan before saying, “Ah. Okay. Could you drive Adam too? He gets carsick in the backseat and Lucy’s a diva so—”

She slapped him on the shoulder and sighed, _I can read lips, remember dipshit._

_Sorry. I love you. I’m just trying to be a wingman over here._

Adam almost started to sign at him asking what he was doing but Ronan didn’t appear to be put off by the suggestion.

“Yeah, okay,” Ronan muttered, not catching any of what they were doing at all. He was back in his head, back in his dark space. “My car’s this way.”

“Great!” Lucy slapped at Noah’s shoulder again. He became a little more somber. “See you in a few minutes, I guess.”

They parted ways, Ronan silent as he walked him and Adam to his car. When they reached the front of it Ronan tossed him the keys and Adam looked down at them confused.

“You can drive.”

Adam was still frozen staring at the keys in his hands as Ronan passed him to go to the passenger side of the car.

“I’m not good in the states,” he reasoned. “Wrong side of the road and all that.”

Adam glanced at him and noted the streaks of damp skin on his face ever present and knew there was a different reason for this.

“Right.” Adam was quick to unlock the door for him. “Yeah, of course.”

On the drive over Ronan gave Adam directions to get to Travis’s family home, reading off his cell phone’s map. As he was giving directions he managed to touch at Adam’s hand that was casually left on the shifting gear between them. When their hands touched Adam turned his over palm up, letting their palms touch. Ronan’s hand slipped easily into his, fingers fitting together. The rest of the drive went too fast for Adam’s liking.

When they arrived, a short walk down the street from the house, they sat there in the car a few minutes before Adam managed to turn the engine off. Ronan was touching at his hand, fingers streaking past the lines in his palm, running down the center of his wrist at the veins visible in his skin. There he stroked his veins, following them until they disappeared into his shirtsleeve.

Ever slowly he was becoming Adam’s Ronan again, the Ronan he knew through those ridiculous emails, through his wry smiles, through his terrible sense of humor. It was a painful, sluggish slow that drew out every breath and heartbeat.

When Adam looked up at him he saw that Ronan was already staring back. Their eyes barely met but a second before Ronan stepped out of the car, Adam clambering to keep up with him. Outside he handed him back his keys, and they stood there a second, ignorant of those moving past them toward the house.

Ronan’s lips started to quiver again as they continued to prolong the inevitable, until Adam held his hand as before, lacing their fingers together and tugging him forward.

Inside, the house was already full of people, talking over each other and interfering with Adam’s thoughts. It was hard to concentrate with all this sound, but when Ronan leaned against him as they maneuvered their way through the masses, he felt calmer than he knew he would be without him.

Adam’s friends were sitting in a living room at the back, one of many he noticed, the place impossibly large. He was still holding Ronan’s hand when he found them, raising his other to gain their attention. Blue’s eyes flickered down and then back up, a hand stretched out to push Gansey away from her. He was forced to stand, allowing room on the sofa for the pair of them.

“Hey – what – _Blue—_ ”

“Get up,” she said. “You don’t need to sit. You’ve got legs.”

“So do you, honey,” he said.

She rolled her eyes. “Mine are shorter.”

Gansey frowned. “I feel like I'm not going to win this.”

“You're never winning an argument again,” Blue said, smiling. “Deal with it, Dick.”

“I...” It was only then he noticed Adam and Ronan sitting down, Ronan pressed in tight against Adam as Adam was pressed in tight against Blue. “Ronan, how are you?”

His eyes also moved downward at their holding hands. Adam really wanted his friends to gain some chill, or at least perspective, or else Ronan was going to see them staring unsubtly and was going to pull away.

“How do you think I am?” Ronan said, a bit of a bite to his words. He was slumped into Adam because of the sofa, their hands still connected between their laps. His eyes were cast downward, losing focus that he had gained when no one else was around.

“Ah, sorry.” Gansey appeared to be trying, even if he fumbled around a bit. “Do you need a drink?”

“Sure.”

“What do you –? I’ll figure it out.”

“Water,” Ronan called after him, and Gansey paused to turn.

“Right,” he said. “Right right right.”

As he walked away Adam leaned into Ronan, whispering against his shoulder. “Are you hungry?”

Their eyes met again, Ronan’s raw and red. He gave a little shrug. He looked so small.

“When did you last eat?” Adam asked.

“I don’t remember.”

“That’s not a good thing.” This didn’t spark anything in Ronan to reply. He gave another small shrug, nudging Adam with his shoulder. Adam briefly rested his chin at the edge of Ronan’s shoulder contemplating leaving or asking someone else to get him food, so he could stay to keep him company. Normally he would do the former, but right now he very much wanted to succumb to the latter. Stay with Ronan, who didn’t necessarily “need” him but certainly benefitted from his presence. Adam benefitted from his, too.

“I’ll get you something,” he said, noting the mild look of agony that passed Ronan’s face when he went to rise. Ronan squeezed his hand hard, and Adam hesitated to move. He looked back at him silently wondering if he would be okay for five minutes. Ronan looked to plead to stay, but then sighed and let go. “I’ll be right back,” he said.

As soon as he stood Noah promptly came to sit down next to Ronan, instantly talking to him about Ireland, and how he visited once as a kid. Ronan appeared receptive of the conversation, thankfully.

There was a buffet a few rooms down, and Adam went to the end of it, grabbing two plates to fill. He wasn’t sure what Ronan liked to eat, other than the simple task of nothing spicy. They knew so much about each other and yet so little at the same time. Adam was in love with him and didn’t know if he liked turkey more than ham. Strange, he thought.

The internal conversation with himself was cut short when he felt a hand at his back, turning to find Blue beside him. Wordlessly she took one of the plates off his hands, holding it for herself.

“Let me help with that,” she said.

“Thanks…” He gestured to a few items off the table for her to pick, filling his own simultaneously. It was easier with two people. “How are you?”

They hadn't had he opportunity to talk one on one since the wedding, everything happening so fast. Blue looked at him before placing salad on one corner of the plate, soon buried under potatoes.

“Me? I’m fine.”

“I mean, your wedding was—”

“A disaster, I know,” she said, laughing it off. “At least it won't be forgotten. An unforgettable wedding.”

“Yeah.” Adam could count the ways. “Tad declared he was in love with me, your dad showed up like a drunk train wreck, and someone died. Really unforgettable.”

“Yeah...” Blue nodded, agreeing, and then, “Wait, what! Tad said he loved you? And you've been holding onto this two weeks!”

“Shh.” Everyone in the room was looking their way and Adam awkwardly shuffled Blue further down the line, skipping some foods in order to get out of there quickly. “Keep it down,” he whispered.

“Sorry.” Blue whispered back, “What did you say to that?”

“I said 'this is news.' ”

Blue smiled.

“Hey, no smiling at a wake.” He shook a pair of prongs at her.

She put a hand over her lips, muffling her voice a little in the process. “This is news,” she repeated, suggesting this too was news. He almost smiled back.

“Grab the chicken bites,” he said, pointing. “I think he'll like those.”

She did.

As they moved further down the buffet, Adam grabbing things for himself and suggesting things for Ronan, Blue leaned into him. It wasn’t much, but it was enough to let him know she was there. Her way of consoling him for he wasn't even quite sure. It eased him a little inside, the smallness of the touch.

Just before they left the buffet, she leaned up on her toes to kiss him on the cheek. Death felt so close definitely reminded people of what they have, of what they could lose in an instant. Adam didn't want to think about when they were old, for now knowing he wouldn't take for granted all the great things in his life. Feeling privileged to have them.

Together they returned to the room with the others, finding Noah still at the sofa, giving his speech about his idea on opening a chicken restaurant.

“All they sell is chicken,” he said. “No fries, or salads, or anything. Just chicken. Dozens of different types of chicken. You can have cold chicken and hot chicken. All up to you. All cooked, of course.”

“Of course,” Ronan said.

Noah gaped and clasped his hands quietly together. “Maybe we can even sell your beer there,” he realized.

Ronan smiled just enough. “Chicken and Cabeswater,” he said. He sounded a little amused.

“See, it just fits together so smoothly.” Ronan’s eyes drifted to find Adam and he smiled again, just for him. Noah noticed his direction of attention shift and he turned his head. “Ah, Adam. You brought sustenance.”

Adam came over to sit, and as he walked Noah moved to allow him to return to his seat. Blue reached over Adam to hand Ronan his plate. When Ronan looked at the pile he shook his head.

“This is too much,” he said.

“Eat what you can.” Adam nudged it further into Ronan’s hands, hoping he at least eat a few bites. “I’m sure Noah wouldn’t mind eating the rest.”

Across from them in one of the chairs Noah was nodding his head feverishly. “It’s true,” he said. “I love food.”

Between them Adam felt Ronan’s hand find his again, as he started picking at the food, balancing the plate on his lap. Adam suspected that their touches did for Ronan what they did fro him; gave him strength, calmed him inside. Whenever they were close he looked at ease.

“Do you like ham or turkey more?” Adam asked him.

“Ham,” said Ronan. He didn’t ask for an explanation, and for that Adam was grateful.

Everyone around them started talking. Ronan ate some. Adam ate some, too.

His friends talked to them, including them in conversation and managing to bring Ronan out of his shell a little. He managed to even laugh at a joke Noah made.

At some point Orla came over and pulled him off the sofa into a hug, then dragged him off to talk alone. When he came back he looked a little better, but still a mess inside.

“So Ronan,” and now Cheng and Broadway were honing in on him.

None of them had ever properly talked to him excluding the time they met at Cheng and Broadway's wedding, and since then a lot had happened between them. Now they had their chance, and they looked to be eager to take it.

Adam wanted to tell them all to go be respectful to Travis’s parents or Orla or someone else who wasn’t Ronan. Yet here they were.

Ronan looked up from his plate, unaware what he was stepping into. He managed to eat half the food Blue mounted on there for him.

“Hmm.”

“How much land do you own?”

“ _Henry_ ,” Adam said sternly.

“Oh, come on. It's a harmless question.”

“There is no such thing when you're involved,” Adam replied.

“Fifty acres,” Ronan answered anyway, talking over the reply Cheng prepared but Adam didn’t get to hear.

“Oh wow, that's not a lot is that?”

Adam gave him a daggered look, who in turn decided to continue ignoring him.

“There's a hundred and sixty odd people on Inishmaan and only 3,000 acres,” Ronan said snappily. “I own more than most.”

“Sorry. I didn't mean to insult you.”

“You didn't insult me.”

Cheng pulled even further forward in his chair, inclining closer to Ronan. He knew it was so he could hear over the commotion of conversations had around them, but Adam felt like this was an interview of some sort. Why.

“So you're from the island Inishmaan?” Cheng asked. He could see Broadway tugging at him, but he ignored him too.

“I am,” said Ronan simply.

“That's the small one right?”

“Sort of.”

“How do you _date_ with only one hundred and sixty people on that island?”

“Can we stop bombarding Ronan with so many questions?” Adam interjected.

“It's just been a few,” said Cheng, defeated.

“Henry,” said Broadway.

“Ronan, do you want to go for a walk?” said Gansey, stepping in.

“I'm not a fucking baby, Gansey,” Ronan snapped. He set down his plate on the coffee table before them, glaring at him. “I don't need to be coddled. I'm not going to fucking crack open like an egg if someone tries to talk to me. Shit.”

Everyone awkwardly went silent in their group, the several conversations they had around them going mute. It didn’t take long for Ronan to register the mood shift was his doing, and as a result he sunk further into Adam and deeper into the sofa.

“Actually I will take that walk,” he grumbled. Gansey moved to rise and then Ronan looked over at Adam. “Parrish?”

Admittedly Adam was not expecting that, and at once he glanced around to see the faces of all his friends, who were staring back apprehensively and curiously.

Then he realized it didn’t matter their opinion. It didn’t matter their expression. He was going to do what he wanted to do, and what he wanted to do was walk outside with Ronan. That is what he did. Taking Ronan’s hand and pulling him up to his feet the same time he stood.

“We’ll be back,” he said.

On their feet Ronan looked around the space they made for themselves and he said quietly to them, “It was nice to see you all again. Sorry.”

“We totally get it,” said Noah.

“If you're staying in the states after this, you should call us and we can all go out for drinks or something. How's that sound?” offered Cheng.

Ronan shrugged. “Maybe.”

Before they had a chance to move Blue was up and awkwardly hugging Ronan, something Adam did not expect to see. Ronan appeared to stiffen at first, until she patted him on the back where she could reach, in which he then leaned into her, his one hand still gripping Adam’s tight and the other returning the hug around Blue’s shoulders.

Outside Adam expected Ronan to take a pause on the lawn, or even on the sidewalk, but they kept walking, walking, walking. He wondered where Ronan was taking him, if he had a plan in mind, a destination in place, but it didn’t appear to be anywhere in particular.

As if reading his mind, Ronan sighed, stealing a glance back the direction they came from. “I can’t go back in there,” he said. “I can’t see his parents again. I can’t talk to Orla about him anymore. I can’t be around anyone… else.”

He was hiding his face from Adam with a turned head and a persistent need to walk a few paces ahead of Adam at all times, which was hard to do when they were connected at the hand.

“We don’t have to,” Adam said, striving to keep in step with him. Ronan appeared determined not to let him. “We can keep walking if that’s what you want.”

“Are you sure?” Out of the corner of his eye, Ronan stole a look his way. “Don’t you need to get back to your friends?”

“I’m staying here,” Adam said, defiant. “Okay?”

Ronan swallowed and nodded, like he was still unsure of Adam’s genuineness. So Adam did the one thing he could think of to do, reaching out and touching at Ronan’s hair. His fingers slipped into the curls that were forming, struggling not to run his hand completely through these newly formed locks.

“Your hair is getting longer,” he noted.

“Hm?” At once, Ronan touched where Adam had. His ears went a little pink. “I’ve been too busy to cut it back. I keep forgetting.”

“I like it.”

The pink deepened into a dark red, from ears to cheeks. “Yeah?”

Adam could only nod. His fingers gently pulled at one of the curls, watching it bounce when he let it go. At his touch, his familiarity, or perhaps simply at his words, Ronan softened a little more. The ice around him was thinning, thawing, and the real Ronan was becoming more apparent as time slowly passed.

“Not just saying that to make me feel better?” he asked.

“The fuck would I want to do that for?” Adam replied, taking a lead from Ronan and making a joke of it.

The sun was disappearing in the sky, but that was okay because it was visible in Ronan’s smile. A grin broke out onto his face, a flash of a second, but it was there. Enough to give warmth, to give light.

 

\----

 

Travis’s family home wasn’t far off from a small park within the neighborhood, a small patch of grass with minimal playground equipment and some benches. The air was colder now, the sun long gone behind dark clouds. It was beginning to look like it was going to rain. Adam was chilled, but he stifled every shiver, not wanting Ronan to suggest he go back. Not yet.

At the park Adam offered a bench to sit at, but felt Ronan pull from him toward the swing set, letting go of his hand in the process. He went and sat in one, leaving the other absent for Adam. It was an obvious choice between the bench and the swing, and Adam sat next to him without speaking a word, watching him mutely. Every action spoke volumes.

The way he rested his head against the chain. The way he stared forward, eyes glassed over, barely swaying back and forth. The way he shivered from being cold or being sad or the swelling combination of both. There was barely any motion in his swings, numbly going back and forth as much as the wind progressed him.

Adam swayed from left to right to nudge him with his foot. When Ronan didn’t react, Adam swayed again, this time nudging him with his hand at Ronan’s knee.

“Can I ask you something?”

Ronan stared blankly ahead and blinked. “You just did.”

Adam didn’t react. Patient. He used to calculate every minute spent within the day and now with Ronan he didn’t care how many minutes were spent doing absolutely nothing, if they were spent with him.

Eventually Ronan turned his head to acknowledge him, eyes focusing on Adam with his head still rested against the chain. He didn’t look like he had a decent night’s sleep since Travis passing.

“You can always ask me anything.” His voice was low and rough, pained.

Adam licked his lips, which had become chapped by the cold, contemplating how to pose the question, unsure if it was one he could even ask. The timing felt off, but he wasn’t sure when the next opportunity to ask would arise.

His feet dug into the woodchips that blanketed the ground, dirtying his shoes, while gripping both chains on the swing until his knuckles burned.

“What did you mean by ‘I should be used to this by now’?”

If Ronan was surprised he didn’t show it. He didn’t show any real reaction, merely kept his eyes on Adam, staring as he swung a little from the wind.

“I told you how my dad left right?” he said.

“Yeah,” said Adam. “You said he left the farm for your mom to take care of by herself.”

“Did I tell you exactly how he left?” His eyes cast downward, one of his feet coming to hook around Adam’s before he used his other leg to propel him forward on the swing, giving himself enough momentum he flew forward a good jump.

“I assumed it was one of those ‘I’m going out for milk’ sort of scenarios,” Adam told him.

When Ronan came swinging back down he put out his heels to stop short. The immediacy in his action nearly jerked him off the swing but he caught himself before he fell, gripping the chains hard. He grunted as he went forward and then back, and then he was sitting there again quiet, numb.

“Ronan?”

“He came and took me out of school early one day,” Ronan began, talking over Adam. His voice was still a mess of emotion in the way it crackled and scraped against the sides of his throat coming out. “We went out for lunch together. Just the two of us.” Adam wasn’t sure where this was going but he knew he wasn’t going to like it. Anything that made Ronan sound the way he did talking about him. He hated Niall Lynch, even having never met the man.

“Over milkshakes he told me that I was exactly like him. And I remember feeling this sense of pride about it, because I thought that he was so great, that him saying that meant that I was great too.” There was a thin smile on his lips, remembering this, until he remembered something else instead and he kicked at the woodchips at their feet. “Then he went on about how he was never meant to be a dad. That he was sick and tired of the islands and wanted to 'move on.' They were suffocating him, he said. We were all suffocating him.”

“Jesus.” Adam felt a very serious feeling of loathing in his belly, seeing the way Ronan looked so crushed reiterating this to him, suspecting a young teen having to hear this. Instinctively he reached over and touched Ronan as best he could with the distance the swings forced upon them. When he took Ronan’s hand, Ronan shuddered, gripping him tight. “He really said all this to you?”

“I thought he loved me,” Ronan muttered. “I thought what my family had was love, that the way he and my mom were with each other was love, but no it was him committing to a mistake he made or some decision he thought he could handle the consequences of. I don’t think he ever really loved my mom. I think he only loved the idea of her, the idea of a family, and that when he realized he couldn’t sit back and let us raise ourselves he wanted out.”

His eyes closed as they started shedding tears again. Adam got up from his swing to pull Ronan into a hug. It was brief, Ronan uncomfortably inching out of it to wipe at his face.

“He drove us to the coast and he bought a ferry ticket,” he said.

“You don’t have to go on.”

Ronan ignored him.

“— And he told me that he would come back for me one day. Show me the world. He promised me that, and like a fool I believed him. I watched him go, I hitched a ride home, and I waited and I waited and then when I was eighteen I found out he died in a bar fight and I realized he lied to me. He was never coming back, and everything was fractured. I was pretty fucked up for a while…. until….”

Adam sank down into his swing watching Ronan sniffle his way into a tiny smile that felt more genuine than the last. The end of that sentence was obvious.

“Until Opal?” he said, finishing it for him.

“Yeah.” Ronan nodded. “I know they say that you shouldn't depend on someone else to fix you, but in a way she... she did. I mean, she was a baby when I got her. A baby can't fucking hold their head up let alone fix you, but she.... I had to get serious and clean my act up and I don't regret it.”

Adam was piecing everything together now. He thought he was his dad, or that he was his mom and Adam would be his dad. Come into the picture and then peace out when he was bored. Adam would never get bored. He would never feel like they were a burden on him. He knew this. It was fact. It wasn't assumption. In his heart of hearts Adam was willing to be in this forever. The trouble was saying this and Ronan believing him. He didn't want to say it if Ronan wasn't going to listen, and saying it here felt wrong, felt calculated. Like he was waiting for a tragedy to make Ronan vulnerable enough to open up to him. That wasn't his intention at all, and he was afraid of how Ronan would see it.

“How did you meet Travis?” he said, reaching for something else to talk about. Admittedly it was a topic he was curious of, how an American from Connecticut could become such close friends to an Irishman who lived on a small almost secluded island.

The question sparked something in Ronan, who closed his eyes to the clouded sky, head raised up toward it. The lines and curves of his face were so distinct cast against the gray sky. Adam stared at the length of his neck as it stretched out toward what little sun there was between the dark, the way his long eyelashes rested against his face, and the way his lips parted just enough as he let out a long exhale. At the end of it his breath hitched and then his eyes opened again.

“I met him a little after Opal’s parents died,” he told Adam. “I was a mess and drinking all the time and the farm was failing because I wasn't taking care of it. Matthew was still in school and Declan wasn't on the island anymore, and I in a drunken stupor decided I could take care of a baby. This overwhelming need to protect her when no one else seemed to want to, but I was still a mess. Then my mom woke me up and told me if I really wanted to take care of Opal I had to try to move on past my father. Not be like him and focus on myself. I had to focus on Opal, too. Her needs as well as mine. Niall wasn’t worth my time or energy, but Opal was. So I found a sponsor, despite the lack of recovering alcoholics on the islands, which was Travis.”

“Oh wow.” Adam didn’t really know what else to say so he started to swing properly, lifting himself off the ground just enough to give him momentum. “How did you find him?”

“Through Gansey,” Ronan explained.

This simple statement broke him down. He let out a great breath, jittery in its execution, swallowing hard over and over as he was clearly trying not to cry again. Without fail Adam was there for him again, reaching over and taking his hand. It was cold, sending sharp tingles through his skin from the contact. Ronan gazed at him with the intensity of a thousand suns, eyes red and twitching with tears. When one spilled over down onto his cheek, dripping down to the edge of his chin, he looked away again, at the rows of matching houses that formed the view ahead.

"I've been a wreck about a lot more than Travis dying," he said, like a confession he had been holding in his back pocket for some time. He sounded crushed about it.

"Is it Opal? Is she okay?"

"She's fine," said Ronan. "I flew back to see her for a few days. Explaining to a kid that someone has died is really fucking hard."

Adam remained quiet as Ronan looked to search for more words, taking a pause. He seemed to find them when his hand constricted around Adam's.

"No," he said, bold. "I've been a wreck about you."

Adam stilled. He was quick to stick a foot into the wood chips to pause his swing, nearly falling forward out of it from the abruptness. Ronan caught his reaction. It was a very obvious one, and he sighed, leaning against the chain of the swing as before. Eyes unfocused, hand still holding Adam's, he wasn't making a joke like he was known to do, like they were known to do to each other. He was serious.

"I wish things were different," he said low, almost shy. "I wish we met at a different time in our lives. When we were younger."

"You were probably a nightmare when you were younger," Adam said.

Ronan’s lips quirked. Amused. "Well, I wasn’t boring," he said, more playful.

"Oh, so you haven’t always been like this?" 

Ronan reached over with his free hand and pushed at Adam's shoulder. "You shit," he said.

Adam smiled a little, swaying a bit from his push. He tried not to let it get to his head, that Ronan was admitting this, even though it was really hard not to.

"So," Adam swallowed as Ronan's eyes drew to meet his, tender and full of more life, "what, you like me?"

Ronan rolled his eyes. "Was that not obvious?"

Adam felt Ronan's fingers exploring the edges of his, delicately touching the spaces between them. "It could've just been sex to you," said Adam, without a hint of amusement.

"Adam…" Ronan curled his fingers around Adam's. "I’ve only slept with three people. It was never going to be just sex to me."

To keep from smiling Adam had to bite the inside of his cheek, for this was not a smiling matter. Ronan was still heartbroken about his friend, and they still had the issues in front of them that were hard to change and impossible to do so in the span of time this wake took place. Living across the globe. A child he didn’t want to introduce to Adam. Their inability to be real with each other about their emotions until now, and even then Adam didn't hear Ronan say anything detailed about his feelings, and he hadn't said much either. 

As the sky began to settle into the twilight hour, day on the brink of turning into night, something clouded over Ronan's face. His hand slipped a little from Adam's grip as he looked at him again.

"Has this just been sex to—?"

"Definitely not," said Adam, quick not to let that thought finish aloud. "I thought that was obvious, too."

What _was_ obvious was the way Adam's stomach twisted into knots when Ronan so much as glanced in his general direction, the way he wished his touch could be all Ronan needed to heal, the way he so desperately wanted to kiss him but knew the timing was so off and the idea of kissing during someone's wake felt extremely inappropriate.

Ronan hummed, nodding at Adam's words, and he knew if they didn't stop talking about this he was going to break his one rule of tonight. No kissing. So he promptly stood up, clearing his throat to etch out any shakes in his voice. His hand pulled from Ronan's, resting flat against his thigh.

"We should be getting back," he said. "It'll be dark soon."

Ronan looked to agree, and so they headed off back towards the house in silence. No longer holding hands. The shift was mutually felt, Adam wondering what Ronan thought of it. Was it nice for him as well to hear that this wasn't just sex? That confirmation was everything and Adam knew once he had the first moment to himself later he was going to grin wide and let the words wash over him.

When they reached the house Adam noticed Ronan was no longer in step with him and he turned to look at him standing at the edge of the front lawn.

"Are you coming inside?" he asked.

Ronan shook his head 

"Not even to say goodbye?"

"I can't go back in there." His voice was rough again. His eyes unfocused. His hands twitching at his sides.

"Oh. Okay. Well...." Adam knew the others were expecting him back, preferably the pair of them. He understood this meant their separation and he sighed.

"Thank you…" Ronan inched closer. "For today."

"Of course. You’re important… to me. That hasn’t changed."

The words shook him, and Adam didn’t have the patience or heart anymore to wait for him to say something back. He kissed him softly on the cheek, allowing himself the pleasure of leaving his lips there a length too long. Ronan sighed, inclining his head toward Adam's mouth. Ronan had stubble that was on the verge of being called a short beard, rough against his lips. When Ronan's hand came up to Adam’s cheek, he recognized he needed to pull back. 

"You have my email if you… I don’t know." This goodbye was hard to form. "Have a safe flight home," he mumbled, and he staggered back. Halfway to the door he felt Ronan on him again, hand at his shoulder.

"Adam...." His voice broke off at the end.

Unable to dismiss him, Adam turned slowly, unsure what was happening.

"What is it?" he said, gently.

Ronan's gaze was turned downward still, his hand left at Adam's shoulder.

"Do you really never want to talk to me again?" He sounded almost angry.

"I never said that," said Adam, who was starting to become emotionally drained. "I said I can't keep doing this, this back and forth on what we are. Are we friends? Lovers? Friends with benefits? People that occasionally make out with each other at weddings and on business trips?" Ronan's eyes closed at this, and Adam watched as his eyelashes caught droplets of tears that meant to stream down his face. He almost reached to swipe them away but knew better not to. "I know my answer," he pressed on, "but I can't answer it for you."

"Friends." Ronan said it shakily, rushed, like he only had so much time to choose. "That's my answer. I can't lose you, too." His chin was quivering.

Adam wanted to ask 'forever?' but breathed through it. "Okay."

"Do you want to shake on it?"

Adam laughed a little. "A handshake can mean anything," he said, going for lighthearted knowing that was Ronan's intention too. "I think a more solid way of sealing this would be a pinky promise."

Ronan snorted. "Opal doesn't even do pinky promises and she's the actual child. Those are so outdated."

"Spit into our palms then?"

Ronan looked like he was about to and Adam pulled his hand down. 

"I'm clearly kidding," he said. "A handshake is fine."

They were on the verge of both smiling when they shook hands, Ronan's grip tight. The shake went on long enough it dissolved into handholding, as they stared at each other, the temptation to completely throw out the handshake and its promise. Adam deflected the temptation by pulling Ronan into a hug goodbye. Ronan gripped so tight with both hands Adam felt his heart beat against his chest.

"Expect a lot of music recommendations," Adam said still in their embrace. "Your music taste is atrocious."

Ronan gaped. "It is _not_. You dick. I'll just delete those emails. I'll pretend I never got them."

"Admitting your lie before the lie happens is not a very wise plan."

"I knew I was doing something wrong."

Adam smiled, removing himself from Ronan before there was temptation again. His heart and his mind were working against each other, and he wasn't sure which would win at any given moment. Upon their separation he motioned toward the house behind him.

"I should--"

"Do you really have to go right now?"

Adam's chest ached. He could feel himself being pulled in both directions. The house called to him but Ronan's call was stronger. He was a lighthouse on the shore of a foggy night, his eyes the penetrating light cutting through the dark of the sea and mist.

"No, I can stay a while," he said.

Ronan's spirit lifted immediately, shoulders straightening and hands coming up to clean his face free of tears.

"Want to watch a movie?" he said. "I'm sure you haven't seen it."

"Since we last talked about movies I've seen a lot more," Adam said proudly. "Catching up on my pop culture intake. I may surprise you."

"Nice. I'll take full credit for that, thanks."

Adam gave him a dry look. Ronan's lips split to show a little teeth in his small smile. "What's the movie?" Adam said to him.

"Have you seen Halloween?"

"Damn, I really thought you were going to say one I've seen."

Ronan grinned a little more like himself this time. "So that's a no."

"No, I haven't." Adam stared at him inquisitively. "Why this movie?"

"It cheers me up when I'm not in a great place," Ronan said with a shrug.

"Really? This movie? That's a little dark. Doesn't everyone die in it?"

"No, Jamie lee Curtis lives."

Adam frowned. "Thanks for spoiling it for me." 

"Hey." Ronan poked into Adam's chest, the action quickly turning into a finger running down the length of Adam's shirtfront. Neither said anything of it, but Adam felt a chill run down the center of his spine. He almost couldn't focus on Ronan talking. "There's twenty sequels and she's in all of them."

Adam huffed, pretending to be upset when really he almost physically shivered at Ronan's hand running back up the length of his buttons. "Thanks for spoiling the entire Halloween franchise to me," he said, maintaining a steady voice. Somehow.

"You're about twenty years late to call me out on spoilers," Ronan mused. This was nice. This was casual and ordinary like before. Adam could almost forget Ronan was crying into his shoulders hours ago, crying only minutes ago. The only reminder that this was different was the way Ronan's hand eventually left his shirt, accidentally pulling a button free in the middle. Adam left it open. "It's like saying thanks for spoiling who Luke Skywalker's dad is," said Ronan, still talking about the most absurd and friend safe topic they could find.

"That's the bad guy, right?" said Adam. "The dude in black?"

"Oh, Parrish I can't believe that --" Adam started silently laughing, and Ronan stopped. "You're joking."

Adam's lips twitched wide. "I've seen Star Wars, asshole," he said.

Ronan sighed dramatically. "Thank god." 

Someone turned on the front porch's light above them and reminded Adam of where they were and their intention of leaving. He sighed, gesturing again behind him. "Let me go tell the others we're leaving first. I'll be right back."

His actions were quick inside, not quite desperate to find his friends but certainly determined. Returning to Ronan as soon as possible was definitely the agenda. They were fortunately still all sitting almost exactly where they were before he left. The only difference was Orla and Helen now sat with them.

All perked up at the sight of him.

"Adam, you're back," breathed Blue.

"Where's Ronan?" said Orla.

"Is he okay?" said Gansey.

"I came back to let you all know we're leaving," he said.

Their eyebrows all seemed to rise simultaneously. Adam wondered if they practiced this.

 _Noah, Lucy, I'll see you at the hotel later I guess?_ he signed.

Blue straightened up. "What did he say?" she asked Noah. 

"But he's okay?" said Gansey.

"He's fine, Gansey," Adam promised. "Really. I'm going now. See you guys."

"Be safe," said Cheng.

"Even at a wake you're cracking jokes," said Broadway.

"I-- that wasn't a joke. I genuinely want him to be safe."

Adam didn't hear the rest of that, leaving the house again, only to find Ronan no longer standing out front. It was possible he left. It was possible he was a figment of his imagination this entire time. It was possible he was standing down the street by his car. Which he was. Adam was being ridiculous, he thought to himself.

Ronan was once again crying, back to Adam when he stepped toward him at his driver's side door. Silently he reached around and took the keys from Ronan, touching softly at his back. Ronan and him stood there a length, Adam pressed against him, as he slowly built up tolerance to the tears. When there were no more shakes or sniffles Ronan jerked to sit move to the passenger's side.

"Where am I going?" Adam asked, when they were both settled inside the car. 

"My hotel," said Ronan.

"That's nice, but can I get an address?"

"Oh, yeah." The tips of Ronan's ears went pink as he searched his pockets for his phone. Once discovered, he pulled it out, and Adam was able to see the screen. Once again he was introduced to the picture of Opal and him as his wallpaper. He chewed his lip, wanting to say something. When the picture was about to be swiped away he said, "She's really pretty."

Ronan looked up and then back down. "Thanks. She gets it from me."

Adam snorted and saw him smile a little. 

"Genetics just hop around like that in Ireland, do they?" he teased.

"Yeah, it's a scientific wonder," Ronan smiled, swiping away to find the maps app on his phone. "Ireland's full of 'em."

"Mm." Adam rolled his eyes a little as Ronan started searching for his hotel address. There was another smile tugging at the Irishman's lips when Adam turned on the car.

 

\--------------------------------------

 

The hotel was small and plain, Ronan’s room on the first floor and accessible from the outside. Inside there was only the bed, a desk, a small television in the corner and the bathroom. Adam had hoped there would be a sofa or something, but he shouldn’t have been that surprised. This wasn’t a fancy hotel in the city it was a quaint little place on the edge of a suburban neighborhood. Alone, truly and completely alone, Adam was reminded of what happened the last time they were near a bed. He kept his distance from it as much he could in the small space.

Immediately once the door shut Ronan took off his jacket and dumped it over the side of the chair at the desk, taking off his tie next and ridding it on the desk as well. He looked to be ridding himself of the sadness, looking lighter and more at peace each article he took off. After getting rid of his shoes and pushing them under the bed he sighed, hands running through his hair, his collar now undone and shirt untucked. It was unwise for Adam to let his eyes linger, but that’s precisely what they did, taking it all in. He appeared to be done removing items off his person, so Adam felt he should do the same, taking off the same things, placing his jacket across Ronan’s on the chair.

“You want to sit?” Ronan gestured to the bed, before moving to go round it for a bag in the corner. Inside he retrieved his laptop, covered in old stickers of bands he listened to.

Adam sat down very hesitantly, crawling into the center of the bed slowly. They were two grown adults, he reminded himself. They could keep their hands to themselves. Besides, Ronan didn’t appear to register the atmosphere in the room like Adam had. He sniffled as he was scanning through his laptop still standing beside the bed.

“You thirsty or something? I can go get something from the vending machine down the way.” Ronan asked as he was still staring directly at the screen.

Adam didn’t get a chance to reply, when Ronan plopped down on the bed beside him, sides flush against each other. The movie started without him introducing it, without saying anything else. He leaned back against the pillows, and when the music started to play Adam suspected he was meant to lean, too. He followed suit, touching shoulders.

When the credits began he looked over at the man beside him instead, taking him in. This didn’t feel at all awkward anymore, their casual touches and Ronan’s complete ease lying like this together. No longer did he feel afraid of overstepping any boundary. For once he felt okay enough positioned as they were. Just being close enough to Ronan was enough.

“The movie’s this way, scaredy cat.” Ronan proceeded to push at Adam’s cheek with one finger until he turned his head to face the screen.

“I’m not scared,” he replied haughtily.

Then the first jump scare happened and he flinched. Ronan laughed. His laugh was like silk and Adam didn’t realize until his heart stopped racing that he grabbed Ronan’s hand in the process of fright.

It remained there for the rest of the film. Through the movie they grew more complacent, lying down almost flat, Adam’s head somehow finding its way onto Ronan’s shoulder, Ronan’s head resting at the top of his. Their clothes were not the most relaxing to lie in like this, but Adam wasn’t about to suggest something more comfortable, knowing exactly where that could lead if they weren’t careful.

While the movie was old and at times extremely outdated he still jumped at nearly every part one was meant to, grabbing Ronan’s hand tighter each time, feeling Ronan’s shoulder shake with silent amusement. The Irishman must have seen this a thousand times, never once reacting to any scary part like how Adam was. He wondered if he did this intentionally, choosing a scary movie like he did. He didn’t mind.

When the credits started rolling, Ronan asked, “Do you want to watch another movie?”

“It's getting late,” Adam said, yawning as he spoke. He placed his hand to his mouth and sat up running the other hand through the back of his hair. It was pitch black outside, ice forming at the window from how cold it was. He shivered unintentionally at the thought of walking out there in just his jacket. “I didn't drive here by myself. I came with Noah and his girlfriend. We're supposed to leave in the morning.”

“Oh.” Even with a practiced look of disinterest, Adam could tell Ronan was disappointed. He couldn’t hide it in his voice, although he appeared to have meant to. His laptop shut at once and he sat up, accidentally knocking shoulders with Adam as he moved to dump his laptop on the desk.

“I mean....” Adam sighed. He didn't want to go, either. Ronan turned to him, confused. “Hold on,” he said.

At once he took out his phone and looked up trains between New Haven and New York City, feverishly typing on his screen. There was one train tomorrow morning he could catch. Would that be too much?

“I could always take a train home,” he said out loud, still figuring out the details on his phone.

“Great.” Ronan still wouldn’t smile, clearly struggling not to, and he sat back on the bed with laptop in hand. “I can drive you, “he said, lying down and hinting with a glance for Adam to rejoin him. Adam followed suit, eyes focused on the small smile Ronan offered him. “I'm going to play Friday the 13th for you next.”

“You have a thing for scary films, don't you?” he noted.

“They're fun. Don't you find them fun?”

“I fear for Opal when she's old enough for you to show her these,” Adam joked.

Ronan rolled his eyes. “You're not the first person to say that.”

At that, Adam smiled a little wider. Soon enough they were watching Friday the 13th. He yawned again, resting his head once more at the side of Ronan’s shoulder. Ronan’s arm moved to let him in a little closer, draping across his shoulders and tucking him into his side. Adam closed his eyes and hoped he could shut them for just a moment, Ronan warm and soft against him enough he felt he could allow himself the pleasure of briefly ignoring the movie. It was late and he was tired and then he found himself falling asleep.

He didn’t register he fell asleep until he woke up to the credits rolling, having realized Ronan placed a blanket over him and a pillow under his head.

“Did you tuck me in?” he said, looking over at Ronan’s laptop still open on his lap.

Ronan shut it and smirked. “You missed the whole movie,” he replied.

“Sorry.” Adam moved to sit up. “We can watch it now–”

“I finished without you,” Ronan said with a small laugh. He nudged at Adam’s shoulder to lie back down. “Go back to sleep.”

“You sure?” Adam asked.

“I’m sure.”

“Okay.” He yawned again, wider this time, closing his eyes. He could feel Ronan’s hot breath on his face. “You sound less sad.”

“Like I said, these movies cheer me up,” Ronan reasoned.

It may have been selfish of him to hope it was more than just the films, but Adam did not care. The bed shifted under him as Ronan moved around, possibly undressing, possibly putting the laptop somewhere, possibly simply shifting around in the bed. His eyes remained closed, heavy and unwilling to reopen.

After a while, still conscious enough to register touch and sound, he felt Ronan’s fingers in his hair, running through it from his forehead to the base of his skull. Slow and rhythmic, the touch was like a lullaby via touch, lulling him further to sleep faster.

“When’s the train tomorrow?” he heard Ronan ask, a soft whisper close to his face.

“What train?” Adam then remembered and he stifled a small sound of pleasure as Ronan’s fingers continued repeating their process again and again in his hair. His whole body was tingling from the feeling, it trickling all the way down to his toes. “Oh, right. Ten. In New Haven.”

“Okay,” Ronan whispered. “Goodnight, Parrish.”

“Mm. Night, Ronan.”

 

\--------------------------------------------

 

In the morning Adam was gently nudged awake. He yawned sleepily, and he stretched out his limbs to wake them up too. His eyes opened to find Ronan dressed in casual wear staring down at him. Adam sat up, running a hand through his hair as he suspected it was a mess. He smiled a little up at Ronan, almost forgetting himself.

“Morning,” he said, a croak of a voice at this hour.

Ronan rubbed at his eyes. They were still a little red. Fuck. He didn’t respond with words, merely hummed in response before turning his back to him.

Adam sensed something shifted while he was asleep, but not what that was. Instantly he peeled himself from the bed, going for his jacket only to find Ronan offering it to him instead.

“We should get going,” said Ronan. “You’ll be late for your train.”

“Thanks…” Adam took the jacket from him and then his tie, starting with his tie first.

“I’ll get us breakfast on the way,” said Ronan.

“You don’t need–”

“My treat.”

Adam couldn’t quite place what changed as he watched Ronan move around the room, packing his things together with his back still turned to Adam.

“I want to argue with you but it's far too early in the morning for that,” said Adam.

“It's 9 am,” said Ronan.

“That's early for me.”

With a quick glance across his shoulder, Ronan showed mild amusement.

They were in the car not long after, and Ronan was once again quiet. He was receptive to Adam’s touches, who couldn’t help selfishly stealing one last handhold before the morning was up.

They retrieved fast food on the drive to New Haven, Adam managing to eat his one handedly, unwilling to let go of Ronan’s hand for anything. On the other hand, Ronan didn’t appear hungry in the slightest, not touching his and keeping one hand on at the wheel and the other connected at the shifting gear.

The rest of the drive was spent in complete silence, not even the radio turned on. Adam could hear the sounds of the cars passing by, the stretches of city as they passed on the freeway. He didn’t know what else to say at this point, not without fucking up what delicate thing they had going on between them. Not without destroying the bit of happiness Ronan appeared to still retain this morning that transferred over from last night.

When they reached the train station Adam was unsure if he should get out or sit a little longer. Were they to say goodbye here or outside? When he looked at Ronan he could see him dry eyed but not necessarily any happier than when he was crying.

“Thanks for breakfast,” he murmured.

“Anytime,” said Ronan.

“I’ll–”

Ronan unbuckled his seatbelt so swift. “I’ll walk you out,” he said.

Adam tried not to smile at his eagerness. “I think I know how to walk to the train station on my own, Lynch,” he said.

“It’s a pretty long walk,” Ronan replied.

Adam looked out at the parking lot. “It's not that far.”

Ronan opened his car door. “You could get lost.”

Adam rolled his eyes. “Okay, Boy Scout,” he grunted, pretending that he wasn’t thrilled for the last few minutes of time he would get to spend with him. “Walk me to the train.”

The train was a little late when they arrived to the platform, and upon realization this was it for who knew how long Adam was suddenly sad he was leaving. But Ronan looked less sad than when he first saw him yesterday.

They were standing close facing each other, several people trickling in around them to stand and wait for the train too.

“Look at us, being adults,” Ronan said lightly. His mood was clearly lifting ever so gradually again.

“We still have a few minutes,” Adam told him. “We could very likely end up fucking everything up in three minutes.”

“I at least need five, so I think we'll be okay.”

Adam coughed out a laugh not wanting to admit that was funny. The most ridiculous.

“I don't know how I would be right now if you hadn't have come.” Ronan was a little more somber, but he still spoke casually and without a hint of a tear. “If you hadn't have stayed. Thank you.”

“It's what friends are for.”

Ronan's smile was small, but present.

Adam didn't know what else there was to say to this. He touched at Ronan's cheek with one hand; thumb gently sweeping back and forth at his cheekbone. He could hear the train coming.

When it grew nearer Ronan grabbed him and wrapped his arms around him tight, burying his face in his shoulder, stealing his breath away with the ferocity of his embrace.

“You wouldn't want to date me anyway,” he muttered. “I'm a mess. I don't clean up after myself and there's so much cow shit where I live.”

Adam laughed despite himself. So desperately did he want to say those three little words that were screaming inside his head, but he knew the timing was off. Saying them now would feel wrong, tainted. Ronan was still mourning the loss of a dear friend. And now of course there was cow shit to think about, he joked inwardly.

Making any jokes aloud would give away the shake in his voice.

“I'm going to make you a list of movies you have to see,” Ronan continued.

“I look forward to that,” said Adam, muffling his voice against the curve of Ronan’s shoulder to hide the emotion spewing out in his words. “But no more eighties slasher films. I'm not an eighties slasher kind of person.”

“Clearly we weren't meant to be.”

“Clearly.”

They lingered. The train neared. Their arms were still tight around the other. Their faces were still buried. Adam held out a little hope Ronan would say something else. But he didn’t.

When the train arrived they broke apart, and he squeezed Ronan’s hand one more time.

And then he let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry there's no making out :x don't worry remember there is a HAPPY ENDING tag which means this story will have a HAPPY ENDING. i SWEAR.
> 
> some more notes: there will only be 2 or 3 chapters left. i'm still debating having this one chapter in it or not but the story wouldn't change really if i didn't have it so it might just be two chapters. we'll see....
> 
> super busy w school and work now so the next chapter may take some time to come out.
> 
> thanks again for reading! i love all your comments and everything. i really appreciate it. and i am glad all of you are enjoying this story as much as i have been writing it. thank you and once again you can leave a comment here or find me on tumblr [here](http://www.cabeswatergreywaren.tumblr.com)


	6. The Journey of Adam Parrish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I like being on the ground,” he said. “We weren't born with wings. Why tempt fate?”
> 
> Blue shrugged. “You don't know what you're missing.”
> 
> Adam did know. He still wouldn't fly anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is so fucking long welp

_Your heart suffers when your mind does not speak. When you do not move. Speak your mind, spread your wings, and you will be happy again._

_Fly, little bird._

  Adam felt lighter this March, when he expected to feel heavier. Perhaps it was in part due to Adam starting to let go of Ronan. Perhaps it was because their friendship was truly taking off, making it easier to get through the days knowing that awkward underlying emotional link was slowly dissipating.

They texted each other now, another boundary met and fallen when Ronan got Adam’s number through Gansey. Friendship. The word no longer gave Adam a sour taste in his mouth.

On days when work was stressful he had a new picture to look at from the man in Ireland. Some were even selfies now, but still none of Opal. On days when he felt lonely in a city of people, he had a new song recommendation that always cheered him up even when it was truly terrible music. Ronan wasn't even sending proper detailed updates on his life, and yet he was holding Adam up and steadying him on days that tilted just a little.

Adam started dating shortly after Travis’s funeral, and he dated a lot. He dated women and he dated men, to see if he could find that spark with anyone else, anyone here. The closest he got was a work colleague, Marco, who was friendly and funny and lived in the same zip code. Adam tried not to compare him to Ronan every chance he was reminded of the Irishman. No one ever warned him moving on from loving someone would feel this way, take this long, but Marco was helping with that in his way. Slowly.

Meanwhile, his friends' lives were also constantly changing. Cheng and Broadway were officially adopting a child. They turned in the application paperwork and were waiting to hear back. Orla and Helen were currently traipsing about Europe together. Gansey and Blue were only just back from their lengthy honeymoon; a trip Blue would never forget and would never let anyone else forget either. Finally, Noah was looking to propose to Lucy, something he had been thinking about for months now, only now he was serious about it.

It was a few days into April when he and Adam were out shopping for rings, Adam unsure why he was dragged along but not complaining. While it wasn't what he had in mind for a way to spend an afternoon off, he liked seeing the look on Noah’s face at the prospect of spending the rest of his life with Lucy.

He was doing his best to be helpful in finding a ring for her, which would fit her best and fit both her and Noah’s tastes. His efforts were wasted it seemed, however, as Noah never appeared to like any that he did.

"I like that one," said Adam, pointing to a random red ruby jeweled ring that sat at the front of the sixth jewelry store they went to that afternoon. Ring shopping was exhausting. He felt as if _he_ was about to propose to Lucy.

His ring choice said something to Noah, who shook his head a firm no. "It's like you don't know her at all!" he said.

Adam rolled his eyes.

Upon their seventh jewelry store Noah finally got around to asking what it was he wanted to ask that entire time. His friends were incredibly transparent sometimes (most of the time), and he had been waiting with bated breath for Noah to ask.

“How’s it going with Marco?” Noah said, casual and seemingly uninterested. He was perusing necklaces now, at this point the charade of shopping for rings blatantly obvious. “Is it serious yet?”

“None of your business,” Adam said as politely as he could manage.

“So that’s a no.”

Noah was supposed to be the relaxed one in his friends' group. He wasn't supposed to be as nosy as the others or as inquisitive. Yet here he was, exasperating Adam as much as the rest of them did. He sighed, back to Noah as he held his gaze on a mannequin hand holding up several rings on display. "Does it matter to you whether it's serious or not?" he asked. "I didn't realize I was in a polyamorous relationship."

Behind him Noah clucked his tongue. "Here I was about to buy you a wedding ring too, but not if you're going to talk to me with that attitude."

This smoothed Adam's edges, making it easy to smile a little at his absurdity. Quickly he became more somber, as he voiced the thoughts that had been going on in his head for some time, unsure who he could share them with before. "I don't think it's ever going to be serious with Marco," he said. When he turned back to Noah, the fair-haired young man was staring at the watch display now. He came up to his side, to stare at them too.

"Wuh oh," said Noah. "Why not?"

"The obvious answer." Adam sighed, the sound almost coming out as a groan. He pinched the bridge of his nose to limit his frustration with himself. "Marco's fully aware I'm not - not in that place yet. He's fine with it."

"What an asshole," Noah joked, picking up on Adam's irritated tone as he spoke. 

"I know. I hate it," Adam said jokingly back. 

After a shared expression of comfort to each other they resumed the charade of picking out rings for Lucy. Adam suspected Noah already had one in mind at this point, possibly even purchased it already, but they let the lies last a while longer as they perused the rest of the shop, moving around the cluster of other customers also eyeing all the jewels and shimmery metals.

Noah turned to Adam when they reached the back of the store where the simple ring bands were on display. Adam's thoughts went to places of fantasy looking at them, staring at a display image of two men with the rings on display on their fingers.

_Your love is eternal. Get something that will match that._

Adam immediately turned to stare at broaches instead.

"You'll get over him eventually," said Noah. He gave Adam a gentle slap at his shoulder. "Time heals all wounds. Maybe you should stop talking to him so much if you want to be over him."

"But I like talking to him," Adam argued.

Noah gave him a look that said it all, but Adam wasn't listening. He could multi task. He could be Ronan's friend and fall out of love with him. It could be done. If anyone could do it, Adam could.

 

\-----

 

It was late March, and Adam was invited to an impromptu work dinner with several of his bosses. At it he was offered another promotion, the second in one year, and Adam almost accepted on the spot until he was told it was at a different branch of the company. In California.

They wanted to fly him out for a tour of the place, to introduce him to those on the west coast, and Adam was hesitant. Flying. The distance. He knew he could handle the pressure of the promotion, but he was unsure if he wanted to leave New York City to do it.

At home that night, Adam didn't know who to tell first, or who to tell at all. This wasn't something he was a hundred percent sure about his decision on, and yet he knew the one person he would text first. Not Blue. Not even Marco.

After he got home and collapsed into bed he explained the night's events in hyper detail to Ronan, who he suspected would be asleep but started to reply almost immediately. Ronan had a habit of doing that sometimes, other times not replying for days or sometimes a week.

 

**another promotion huh**

_I might not take it._

Adam wrote it out apprehensively and only hit send because he didn’t really know what else to say. He told Ronan first for a reason, even if he wasn’t entirely sure yet of that reason.

 

**why is that**

_It’s in California_

**oh**

**how will you get there**

 

Adam found himself rolling his eyes at his screen. This guy.

 

 _Luckily America isn’t made up of just two coasts._ _There’s this whole part in the middle I can drive through to get from one side to the other._

**hilarious**

Adam could hear his accent through the text, and he hoped Ronan could hear his wry voice in turn. Their back and forth still worked through the phone when Ronan and he texted at a decent interval. Right now Ronan’s responses were speedy, and at the hour he calculated it to be in Ireland it must have meant he couldn’t sleep. Adam was suddenly wide-awake after a draining day.

 

_I’m hesitant to take it though._

**why’s that**

_I like it here in New York. All my friends are here. Plus this promotion doesn’t offer anything I can’t get if I stay here._

**mm**

**well, i say do whatever feels right, not just because you think you have to do it.**

 

That’s what Adam was trying to do, but it was difficult. He lived his life up until now with the mindset of getting to a certain point in his life, to reach a goal, and here he was reaching that goal and now he felt stalled. There was something in his way; a thing he did not want to admit was there. A who.

 

**do you want to watch a movie**

Adam’s heart began to race. Fuck his body for betraying him.

_You secretly in New York or something?_

**we can text and watch together**

**that’s a thing people do right**

**?**

Again his body betrayed him and Adam felt a smile split wide on his face as he immediately started texting back.

_You’re so trendy, Lynch. A true millennial._

**fuck off, parrish**

_ok_

 

He could hear Ronan groan all the way from here, watching as the ellipses bubble immediately popped up as he clearly started texting back.

 

**black christmas. not the new one**

_Am I expected to rent this?_

Ronan sent the rolling eyes emoji. Adam was surprised he even knew what emojis were.

From there Adam stayed up half the night. The movie was weird, and it was strange to watch it home alone, especially after the last time they watched something together. When it was over and Ronan said goodnight Adam couldn’t sleep, and so he texted Blue to see if she was up.

 

**:) barely. what’s up?**

_Can you come over?_

 

When Blue didn’t reply Adam suspected she fell asleep, and so he tried to find something else to watch on his laptop in the meantime, unable to fall asleep himself.

Still wide awake an hour later, there was a knock on his door. He answered to find Blue having come over with ice cream.

“Is Gansey okay with this?” he asked.

She shrugged. “He’s visiting his mother,” she said, moving with determination towards the kitchen. There she grabbed two spoons and then proceeded to make herself at home on the sofa, offering one spoon to him to him.

They stayed up the rest of the night passing the ice cream back and forth, talking about nothing in particular. Blue caught Adam up on the two nonprofits she worked for, and Adam talked in vague detail about Marco. He still hadn’t met any of them yet, but none of them pushed him to introduce them. Adam wasn’t sure if and when he would introduce them.

The sun was peeking out from beyond the rooftops of the buildings across the street when Adam finally gave in to what he initially couldn’t sleep over.

“I got offered a new job,” he said.

“Oh?” Blue licked her spoon of its last remnants of ice cream. “Really? Where?”

“It’s with the same company I work at now, but it’s higher up,” he said.

“Is it something you want to do?” she asked, noting his slight tentativeness.

“I mean, it pays more,” he reasoned. “But it isn’t as hands on as my job is now. I like building things.”

“Don’t do it if your heart isn’t in it,” she said.

“That’s not why I’m hesitant to take it.”

“Why’s that then?”

Adam looked up from the empty pint of ice cream between them and let out a weathered sigh.

“It’s in California,” he said.

Blue took a moment and then nodded. “I see.”

“I've never been to the west coast before,” Adam reasoned, like he felt the need to explain why he was giving it any thought at all. He was more or less talking out loud to himself than to Blue. “But it's so far from everyone. What would I even do there?”

“Make a killer living,” said Blue, shrugging. “Do what you want to do in your career. Meet a really hot guy or girl and have lots of little Parrishes.”

Adam rolled his eyes.

“You're bigger than New York, Adam.” She was serious. She wasn’t joking around anymore. “I know that makes no sense but you're meant for the whole world. Not just one place. We're only in our twenties. You should explore other places while you're young, like California. But only if you want to.”

“Would you miss me?”

“Eh.”

Gently he pushed at her leg that was raised on the sofa between them. She laughed as she pulled it closer to her chest, tucking her chin at her knee, staring up at him. Somehow talking about it like this, with her, eased a lot of his fear of moving again. Moving to New York was a challenge that he openly faced to become the person he knew he was meant to be. Moving to California felt different.

“Of course, fool,” Blue said, still laughing. “Best friends forever and all that. But a girl needs her space.”

Adam rolled his eyes again.

“And a boy needs to see there's more than one sour Irishman out there for him,” she said.

He gave her a withering glare.

“It's true, though.” She lifted her head and smirked playfully at him. “Plenty of other fish in the sea, as they say.”

“Or birds in the sky,” he mused.

“Mm. You're starting to sound like Persephone.”

Adam touched at the last bit of ice cream in the tin. It was a little melted pool he moved around with his spoon. He was suddenly reminded of what Persephone said to him last they spoke.

“You know, she gave me some weird advice at your wedding,” he said, talking down at the ice cream tin.

“Oh?”

“Told me to speak my mind, spread my wings, and fly.”

“Maybe that means you should go to California,” said Blue.

Adam shrugged. “Maybe.”

Before he realized, Blue grabbed the tin and spoon from his hands, placing them elsewhere so he couldn’t occupy his vision or attention on something trivial. He gazed up at her and she raised one eyebrow.

“Or maybe she's mistaken you for a bird,” she said. “Who can really say?”

Adam snorted.

“Maybe she's calling you out on not ever having been on a plane before.” Her teasing expression didn’t make the comment any less annoying.

“I like being on the ground,” he said. “We weren't born with wings. Why tempt fate?”

Blue shrugged. “You don't know what you're missing.”

Adam did know. He still wouldn't fly anyway.

 

\-------------------

 

It was May. Adam and Marco were still casually dating, and Adam was still trying to decide if he should take the job or not. He still hadn’t told anyone outside of Blue and Ronan, and Marco only found out because he worked with him. Blue managed to keep it a secret from their other friends; fully aware he needed to make this decision on his own.

The job offer was to expire in June, and he was running out of time on what to do.

Blue told him he should go. Marco said he should stay. Ronan told him he should do what was in his heart, pulling cheesy lines from movies and quoting them back at him until eventually Adam told him to forget helping him as he was useless. Ronan sent the 100 emoji.

He and Ronan were actually really good at being friends when they were halfway across the globe, which shouldn’t have been surprising when they fit so well together, but Adam digressed. It was unhealthy, definitely, when Adam was trying to move on from him, but he enjoyed their absurd conversations when they found the time to have them.

 

**if cars could fly would you use them to travel**

_It’s the same as a plane, so no. I wouldn’t get in one._

**hoverboards**

_Is there a question in there?_

Ronan sent the rolling eyes emoji, Adam having learned a while back that was his favorite and most used emoji. Next to the middle finger emoji of course.

 

**hoverboards ?**

_Is this your way of asking if I’ve seen back to the future?_

**no… but now i need to know this pertinent information**

_I saw it once a long time ago, and I don’t remember much._

**now the more important question**

**have you seen the sequel**

**back to the future ii**

_No. I don’t think so. Wait. The western?_

**god help you**

_Don’t be a shit. Don’t judge me._

**I’ll stop judging you when you start watching movies from that rec list I made you**

_I’m sorry I have a life, Lynch._

**can you really call it a life if you haven’t seen back to the future two**

_Yes. I do it all the time._

It didn’t take long or much for Ronan to influence Adam to rent the film and watch it together as they had several films in the past. Throughout it they texted one another, Adam not paying as much attention to the film as he knew Ronan would’ve wanted him to. Instead he was focused on how to bring it up to Ronan he had a boyfriend now. Did he even need to tell him? Would Ronan get weird? He shouldn’t get weird, Adam thought, seeing as he was the reason they were this way now.

After a while Adam couldn’t contain his thoughts any longer, and during a moment he found particularly dull in the film he texted Ronan:

 

_Hey. Do you date?_

 

Ronan was quiet a while. Parts of the film transpired that Adam suspected were important, that he probably would have wanted to talk to Adam about, and still he said nothing. Maybe he fell asleep, Adam thought. It was, after all, later in Ireland than it was in New York, but then he thought maybe he didn’t want to talk about this stuff. If they really did want to become friends, there would have to be a time where they would have to be okay with bringing up dating to one another. They couldn’t be like this forever. It was never going to work otherwise.

Finally Adam could see the ellipses bubble, Ronan replying to him. He sat up, ignoring the movie completely.

 

**i’m not the token gay on the islands if that’s what you’re asking**

Adam breathed out a sigh as he simultaneously rolled his eyes.

 

_Ha. No. I didn’t pose the question right, but I was just wondering if you’re dating_

**why**

_Friends ask friends questions like this, you know_

**i’ve had dates. they were pretty dull**

_Mm._

Adam didn’t know how else to respond to that. I’m sorry? That sucks? Thank god?

 

**what about you**

This should’ve been the moment Adam confessed to Ronan about Marco.

 

_Yeah, I’ve been on dates too._

 

He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t say ‘I have a sort of boyfriend now.’ He couldn’t tell him how he wished things were different. How he missed him.

It was good that they were both trying to move on. Good. This was good. Ronan wasn’t allowing himself to stay at home alone with only Opal anymore. That was good.

 

**!**

**rewind a couple minutes. we just missed one of my favorite parts**

 

\--------------

 

Eventually Adam told the rest of his friends over dinner about his new job offer. They were sitting at a large booth, crammed in together to fit everyone. Adam made the effort of inviting Marco this time to meet his friends, but Marco had other plans and couldn’t make it. None of them were upset, more focused on telling Adam that he should take the job.

“Are you trying to get rid of me?” he asked.

“Yes,” said Cheng, nodding sincerely. “We have auditions for new Adam Parrishes at nine, so if we could move this along –”

“Y’all are assholes,” Adam said, and everyone laughed.

“That was such a bad joke, Henry,” said Noah.

“You didn’t need to point it out,” said Cheng.

“If he didn’t, I would’ve,” said Broadway.

Their little playful squabble was cut short when Gansey arrived to the table out of breath and late, sinking into the last stretch of booth left for him.

“Sorry I’m late,” he said, sinking into Blue’s side as she offered him a sip of her drink. “Just came from work. It’s hectic over there.”

“You’re buying next round of drinks for your tardiness,” said Cheng.

“Here here!” Broadway chimed in.

“Fine by me.”

After asking more details on Adam’s potential new job, Orla and Helen broke the news of their engagement.

“Fuck!” said Noah. Everyone looked over at him confused. He then raised Lucy’s hand to the table. “We were going to announce ours!”

When the excitement and praise for both engagements died down their meals started trickling in, and everyone went briefly quiet as they started eating. It didn’t take long in this group for someone to break that silence, however.

“I’ve been bitten by the travel bug and now I hate New York,” said Blue.

"Don't say that so loud!" Noah hiss whispered. "It could hear you."

The table broke out into tiny laughs, but Blue was not deterred.

"I don't want to stay in one place anymore," she said. "I want to see the whole world."

"We all do, sweetie, but we also all have jobs," said Cheng.

“Gansey and I are thinking of traveling the whole of summer,” she said.

“Weren’t you _just_ on your honeymoon?” said Orla.

Blue shrugged, taking Gansey’s hand. “I can do my work wherever I am, so long as I have Internet, and Gansey can easily take time off.”

“We’ll miss you,” said Helen.

“It’s not for forever,” said Blue. Her eyes then met with Adam’s when he looked over at her, sensing this was returning back to a topic he didn’t mean to linger. “I’m not the only one thinking of leaving, anyway.”

“Our George Clooney and our Brad Pitt are leaving,” Noah whined. “This is the worst.”

“I never said I was leaving,” Adam countered.

“They keep offering you more for that job every month,” said Blue. “You're going to go eventually. It's only a matter of time.”

“California's calling,” said Cheng.

It was… true. He was pretty sure he was going to take the job.

 

\-----------------------

 

It was June. Adam just confirmed that afternoon he was going to take the job in California. He was doing okay. For the first day in a long time he didn’t think at all about Ronan. Finally it felt like he was truly and wholly letting go.

That evening Marco texted him that he was downstairs, and when Adam let him up he was surprised to see him holding a bottle of champagne in his hands.

“Marco?” he said, as Marco smiled back at him.

“I heard the great news,” he said. “I came over to celebrate with you.”

He pecked him on the lips quick, and Adam wasn’t sure how to respond. They worked together so it shouldn’t have been a surprise he would find out, but he didn’t think he would come over like this. The last couple weeks while Adam was going back and forth on the decision Marco was clearly getting anxious about the decision, too. It would affect their relationship, and Adam didn’t think Marco would look this elated hearing he was leaving. Then again, he kept comparing him to someone else.

“Or were you busy?” Marco said, noting the fact Adam was still in his work clothes. “Were you going out with your friends?”

“I haven’t told them yet,” said Adam. Reacting off Marco’s surprised expression he said, “It’s only been a couple hours. I was planning on staying in tonight, anyway.”

“Sounds perfect,” said Marco, and he stepped into Adam’s place before Adam could react. “I’ll join you,” he said, walking toward the kitchen. “I brought champagne. We can order in. Just us.”

When he turned to see Adam hadn’t shut the door yet he froze. “Shit. I mean. If that’s alright with you.”

Adam shrugged and let the door shut. He was tired, but happy Marco was happy. “That’s fine with me,” he said, smiling a little. Marco looked genuinely happy he was taking the job. Then the man was stepping toward him, no longer holding the bottle, hands moving toward Adam’s.

“Maybe tonight we could even…”

Adam chewed on his lip and shrugged again, unsure how else to respond. They were so casual that they hadn’t done anything past making out in a taxi cab, and he knew Marco expected more, but Adam wasn’t ready to give himself over completely to someone so soon after his heart was hurt by the last person. Sex had become a lot more personal after Ronan. Something more cherished than it was before. He wasn’t ready to give that last bit of himself to Marco. Not yet.

Marco seemed to sense his uncertainty and he took a small step back. “Or not,” he said. “I’m fine with whatever.”

He gave him a small, soft kiss, before moving to open the champagne. After a while of talking about how excited Marco was about the possibilities of California, they ordered in pizza and Adam started up a movie. A horror film, as he was trying to extend his horror knowledge past what Ronan suggested. It was, admittedly, a terrible decision. But it offered him an opportunity to sit with Marco on the sofa, to just be.

After a while there was a knock on the door and Adam stood up to avoid the sight of someone getting beheaded.

“I’ll get it,” he said, avoiding making eye contact with the screen.

When he answered the door his whole world seemed to flip.

It was Ronan.

“What are you doing here?” He didn’t mean for that to be the first thing out of his mouth, but he was admittedly surprised. Ronan hadn’t made any mention of coming to the states in their messages. The last time he came to the states was Travis’s funeral. After that it was always Matthew working on their business on his behalf. His heart was racing.

“Is that a horror film from my rec list?” Ronan asked, like this was a natural thing, for him to be halfway across the world without any explanation, knocking on Adam’s door so casually.

“It’s not,” Adam said hotly, unsure what the fuck was happening in the slightest. “I was trying to watch things I wasn’t sure you’ve seen.”

“I’ve probably seen it,” said Ronan, sure of himself.

“Lynch, what the fuck.” Adam didn’t mean for it to come out that way, but it did. He heard a scream behind him from the television set, and it was exactly how he felt. The sight of him was like a breath of fresh air, with his leather jacket and his ripped jeans and his hair longer than it was last.

Ronan shuffled his feet, shifting his weight from one leg to the other, entire body twitching like he was waiting to say something. Adam wanted him to say it; he was practically begging him with his eyes. He clearly came here with some agenda. Ronan wouldn’t have surprised him like this if he hadn’t.

“Lynch, it’s nice to see you and all but I’m letting all the cold air out,” he said, attempting for a joke. “What is it?”

“I love you, Adam.”

“I----” Adam’s mouth went dry. His whole body shuddered. Behind him he could still hear the terrible film he picked out and he knew this was real. This wasn’t one of his many, many dreams. He lost the ability to speak and Ronan looked at him with such naked emotions of want and hope and a little bit of trepidation. Adam put a hand to his collar, pulling it from his throat. “What? I’m sorry. You what? What?”

Ronan’s face went red as he stared forward, not breaking their gaze. His blue eyes were the only thing keeping Adam up. He was short on breath the longer he stared into them.

“I've tried to deny these feelings, because how the hell will this even work out?” said Ronan. “How will we make this work? But I can't be afraid anymore. I love you. I don't want to lose you, not without trying to keep you at least. I've been an idiot, and I don't like who I've become knowing I've hurt you again and again. You're important to me. I don't know how it'll work but.....”

“Adam, ask him if he has any ranch—” There was a hand at Adam’s back and suddenly Adam remembered Marco was here. “Oh, that's not the delivery guy. Hi.”

Ronan's jaw clenched. His eyes darted between the new face and Adam’s, and slowly his face was becoming more guarded, his eyes no longer maintaining eye contact. His shoulders shifted defensively. “You're not.... alone....”

Adam finally found his voice. It scratched at his throat, rough and low. “No, I'm not,” he said.

“Adam, who is this?” asked Marco. He simply sounded curious, while Ronan sounded, what, jealous? How could he be jealous? It wasn’t fair.

Ronan looked down at him and glared a little, looking over at Adam too and frowning. Adam was still mentally responding to that truth bomb Ronan gave him, unable to completely form sentences even in his head. This was _a lot_.

“Fuck,” Ronan muttered.

“Marco, I'll be inside in a minute,” said Adam, not even glancing his way. His eyes remained fixed at Ronan’s incredibly revealing face. “I need to finish talking—”

“I'll leave you two.” Ronan retracted from his doorway and started leaving.

“Ronan–”

“Don't.”

Adam pulled from Marco to walk after Ronan down the hall, ignoring Marco calling out to him. He didn’t have on socks or shoes, and he had changed into a simple shirt and pajama bottoms after Marco arrived; yet he wasn’t about to let Ronan walk away from this. He wasn’t about to let him leave.

Ronan was surprisingly really fast, however. Those last few inches really gave him ample opportunity to go fast, or maybe it was because he was wearing shoes and filled with determination to leave.

“Ronan, wait up—” Adam called after him, trying to give him chase but also stubborn enough not to literally chase after him.

“Don't,” Ronan called over his shoulder. His voice softened at, “Please.”

“Can we talk about what you just said?” Adam asked, reaching the elevator a second after Ronan did. He was cold out here, the air conditioning in the hallway on blast. He shivered when Ronan looked over at him.

“Apparently I said it too late,” he said.

“Ronan let me speak at least—”

“You should get back to him.” Ronan nodded toward the direction of his apartment. In the distance Adam was sure he could still see Marco standing there, confused, watching. He did not care. “He looked to really need that ranch.”

“ _Ronan_.”

He wanted to say all the things that had been on his mind for months, for a _year_ , as it dawned on him he knew Ronan an entire year now. He couldn’t seem to find the words. Everything was happening so fast. This was so unexpected and overwhelming and he _did not plan for this to happen_.

“Have a nice life, Parrish,” said Ronan, looking desperate enough to even go straight for the stairs, but he didn’t. Perhaps he suspected Adam would only follow him down. His face was obscured by his shoulder, evading Adam’s eyes. “I'll see you around. Congratulations again on that new promotion. You accepted, right?”

Adam was unnerved by his tone, as if he wasn’t allowed to find someone else when Ronan hadn’t shown any motive to be with him until _right fucking now_.

“Is that what incited this? Because I won’t be in New York anymore?” he said.

“Travis dying and reminding me how fleeting everything is incited this.” Briefly his gaze met with Adam’s, and he swore he saw a tear or maybe that was just the reflection of light on his eye. “I just took my fucking time getting around to voicing it, I guess.”

“I—”

“Don't.”

The elevator door opened and he stepped inside. Adam moved to go in it too, but he put a gentle hand to his chest to maintain the distance. Adam touched at his hand, wishing he could say the words aloud and keep him here. They would reach the back of his throat and then be swallowed down every time. He squeezed Ronan’s hand, wishing he could tell some other way his feelings for him were there and present and real.

All he wanted to do was jump into the elevator and kiss him senseless, but he remembered there was still Marco to consider in all this.

“Where are you staying?” he said, hopeful.

“Nowhere,” said Ronan. “I came just for this.”

Adam's chest ached. “Fuck.”

“I got these for you.”

He roughly passed on a bouquet of flowers into Adam's hand. Adam hadn’t noticed there was anything in his hands until now. They were small, blue, and thoughtful. He was about to cry.

“Bye, Parrish.”

He moved his arm and the doors shut between them.

Adam ran down the stairs after him, but by the time he reached the street it was too late. Ronan had left.

When he called his phone it was off. Which meant texting him and emailing him would also prove useless. Gansey said he hadn’t heard from him in a couple weeks, and neither had Orla; so neither had any idea if he had plans to come to the city. When they both asked if he was here, Adam did not reply. He wasn’t going to tell them what happened. He wasn’t even entirely sure what _did_ happen.

After politely kicking Marco out, faking a stomach bug, Adam had a lot of thinking to do. But first, he needed his best friend.

He called Blue and asked if she was busy. She showed up with another pint of ice cream to share, this one bigger and rocky road.

“What’s the occasion of tonight’s ice cream session?” she said, noticing the half drunk champagne bottle in the sink and the pizza getting cold on the counter.

He couldn’t even tell Blue about Ronan. He didn’t know how. How could he tell her that the love of his life confessed his love for him in return and Adam didn’t even get a word in edgewise of his own feelings before Ronan left, and that Adam didn’t manage to catch him before he had?

“I’m not that thrilled about California anymore,” he said, which was a hint that something was completely off.

“Is it Marco?” She set down her spoon, looking at him with an expression that said she was ready to fight him.

He shook his head. “He’s great, but I have to break up with him,” he said.

“Why?”

“He’s not what I want,” he said. “California isn’t what I really want.”

“Well that’s cryptic,” said Blue, taking a giant bite out of the ice cream and realizing her mistake two seconds in. When the brain freeze had passed she said, “What _do_ you want?”

 

\-----------------------------------------------------

 

 

The statistical probability of a plane crash was one in every one point two million flights, and odds of dying one in eleven million flights. Still, Adam did not like the idea of the swooping sensation one felt being lifted up above the ground, of being so far above the earth, of looking down and realizing how small he was compared to the rest of the world. There was so much to see and he didn't manage even a decent fraction of it yet. These are the things that were knocking about in his head as he struggled to move quick and gracefully through the TSA line at JFK airport.

His friends had no idea he was doing this. No one knew except his boss at work. When he came in and requested time off his boss didn't even hesitate to say okay.

"You're one of the hardest working people here, Parrish. Of course you can take time off. You've earned it."

Adam knew he earned it. That wasn't the problem. The problem was his unyielding fear of flying striking down hard on him just before boarding and keeping him from getting on that plane.

He fumbled through the steps at the TSA line, taking off his belt and shoes and removing anything from his pockets. His bag was packed compactly, and he researched all the things he couldn't bring into a carry on before packing. All the steps were done right. But his heart was still racing, part of him hoping something went wrong and he wouldn't be able to make his flight, afraid of much more than just flying at this point. It was why he was flying that he was nervous about most of all.

Through security he found a bar, having his traditional one drink of rum and coke, to smooth the edges of his nerves. It only made him more anxious and he sat at his terminal waiting with a shaky leg until it boarded.

The flight was seven hours that all blurred together, Adam barely remembering any of it by the time he got off the plane. He forced himself to sleep as much of the ride as he could until they landed. And, after a couple more hours getting through security and baggage claim, he was back outside in fresh air. He breathed it in, colder than he expected it to be. There was salt in the air. It was morning here, and looked to be on the cusp of rain.

After figuring out his surroundings and where it was he needed to go, he got a phone call from Blue.

“Hey,” she said, not even giving him a chance to speak first. “You said you had work off today, and I was wondering if you wanted to go to that new art exhibit that just opened at the MET?”

“Can’t,” said Adam.

“Why not?”

He rolled his eyes.

“Okay, first of all Blue I don't sit around on my days off waiting for you to call me.”

Blue laughed. After a few good seconds of it she realized he wasn’t laughing with her. “Oh, you're serious.”

He grunted. “I'm not in New York right now anyway.”

“What the fuck? Where are you?”

“Ireland.”

Blue laughed so loud into the phone he had to pull the receiver back from his ear. The laugh went on for a while, but when he didn't say anything to retract or correct the information, her laughter slowly died out.

“Wait.......” Slowly it dawned on her. “Oh my god.”

“I know.”

“Are you really....? Is this for real? You're not just at Mr. Figueroa's having a good laugh at me right now?”

“Do you hear that?” Adam put the phone out toward the water. “That's the ocean.”

“You took a _boat_ to Ireland?”

“No, I—” Adam almost snorted. “I saw you yesterday. How could I take a boat to Ireland in a day? I'm taking a ferry to the islands.”

“Fuck, Adam. You're....”

Blue sounded as surprised as Adam felt inside. He was still unsure how he survived the plane trip, and unsure how he was going to survive another one back.

“He told me he loved me and I didn’t get to tell him back.”

“You couldn't have just called him?” she asked.

“No, this.... This is something I have to do in person.”

Even if he did try to call, Ronan’s phone had been off the last three days, and he was sure if he called again now it would still be off. Adam owed it to both him and to himself to tell Ronan he loved him, too. This was not something that he was going to let be thrown away.

“Oh my god, Adam,” Blue said, gasping. “I'm crying a little.”

“No you're not.”

He heard a few sniffles in reply, and he was confused.

“What? Why are you crying?”

“This shit is so romantic,” Blue whined. “Fuck you. I’m not a robot.”

Adam smiled into the receiver, for a moment listening to Blue breathing on the other end and feeling the cool breezes of the sea brush against his face. In the distance he could see the islands coming into view through the mist. It was starting to drizzle on his head when he heard Blue sniffle again.

“I should hang up,” he said. “My data plan isn’t terrible, but I’m sure this phone call cost me an arm and a leg anyway.”

“Right.” Blue sounded like she was moving around, shuffling papers. “Shit. Right. You’re in Ireland. Holy fuck.”

“Don’t tell the others yet,” he said. “Please. Let me tell them.”

“My lips are sealed,” Blue promised.

“That includes Gansey,” he added.

“Oh, you’re no fun at all.”

“I love you, Blue,” he said, casually.

Blue gasped. “Adam, I don't think you've ever really said that to me before. I mean, I know you love me. Who wouldn't? But shit. Wow. Ireland has changed you.”

Adam snorted. “Shut up. I'm... trying it out. I love you.”

“I love you, too. Sap. Tell me how it goes.”

“You'll be the first to hear.”

“Good.”

When he hung up it started to rain.

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------

 

Inishmaan was the middle island of the Aran Islands, housing around 160 citizens, one of which was who Adam came to see. When the ferry arrived, it went from a slight drizzle to a complete downpour, and he had to depend on the kindness of strangers for a ride, bag and self soaked through as he exhausted himself finding one. The only reason Adam even knew where to go was Ronan was infamous on the island for his beer and for what he did for Opal. Everyone here at the edge of town where the ferry dropped him off appeared to know who Ronan was, where he lived, which made things slightly easier than having to give in and ask Gansey for the address.

“ _Best fucking beer on the islands_ ,” said the woman who wound up driving Adam to where he lived. “ _Strange lil fella but a good heart. Good eye for ale._ ”

It was a long windy road to Ronan’s place, the island mostly patches of grass and rock, very few houses in between on the stretch of the island they passed through. So this was where Ronan Lynch lived. This was where he grew up. It was definitely small. It was definitely isolated. Adam stared out at the rain soaked land as they passed through, occasionally seeing hints of civilization here and there.

When they reached the edge of Ronan’s property, a gate that led down another smaller road, the woman let Adam out and told him to just keep going until he saw the house.

“ _Can’t miss it_ ,” she said.

Adam was cold and wet as he walked, the rain still pouring and now matched with high wind. It felt like a test, and Adam was great at tests. He was determined to make it to Ronan’s even if it gave him pneumonia, and so he kept walking, bag in hand.

He didn’t plan this very far, realizing it looked as if he came here with the intent to stay, and if Ronan was going to turn him away he had nowhere to go. Heading back into town felt impossible, and when he looked at his phone he realized there was no cell service here. Of course not. That would just be almost too useful.

When buildings came into view Adam started to panic. He could see the cows and the sheep in the distance, and he could see the barn and a second barn in the back where the beer was probably made. He could see the house, large and inviting, with a car and a motorcycle parked out front.

This was it. He was home. There was no escaping.

The last stretch to the house felt like a century to walk, the rain not making it any easier or the sludge that made up half the ground not poorly covered by loose gravel.

The lights were on inside the house and so Adam knew Ronan was clearly inside, or the very least someone was. He reached the covered porch weighed down by both wet clothes and exhaustion, a little bit of paranoia sprinkled in there too. When he gave a hearty knock at the door he held his breath, unsure what to expect when the knock was answered.

It wasn’t.

Adam groaned a little at this, impatient out of nowhere, and so he knocked again. He had to let the bag fall from his shoulder to knock harder, to make sure someone heard him. Anyone.

Then he heard the sound of footsteps nearing the other side of the door, and then he saw the knob turning, and then the door was opening. All these motions and Adam did not breathe once.

Ronan never looked softer than he did when he answered, with his hair messy and shirt loose on his frame, wearing slim jeans and feet bare. He was beautiful, and full of light and Adam was no longer scared or nervous. He was ready.

When Ronan registered it was him his eyes went wide, like a deer caught in the headlights.

"Hi," said Adam, giving him a tiny wave the short distance between them.

Ronan's hand fell from holding the door open and he moved an inch toward Adam, visibly confused and concerned at the sight of him. He didn't step out of the house, feet still firmly planted inside, but he leaned forward enough to reach out and touch Adam's forehead.

"What are you-?" Adam let him touch him anyway. His fingers were shaking as it traced a line on his brow.

"You're not some apparition are you? You're really here?"

"What?" Adam gently took Ronan's hand and held it. "No, I'm here. I thought I'd drop by, check in."

"Check in," Ronan said back at him, as if he forgot the meaning of the words.

"Yeah, like how you're doing," said Adam.

Ronan looked like he was trying to find the humor in all this but couldn't.

"You know what you said to me before you stormed off the other night?" Adam asked, and the Irishman all but jumped him.

"Vaguely," he said, guarded. He was trying to maintain a distance while also visibly shaken and desperate to come forward. Adam wanted him to come toward him but knew why he wasn't. "Remind me?"

Adam inched closer for him, feeling his palm with his fingers.

"You brought up that horror movie I was watching and-"

"Are you still with Martin?" he asked.

"Marco," Adam corrected. "And no. It's always been you."

"Jesus Mary and Joseph." Ronan pulled back and shut the door, leaving Adam alone and colder than ever on the porch, completely baffled as to what just happened. Was it something he said? Didn't say?

He moved to knock on the door again, but it was opened before he had a chance to. Ronan returned and before Adam could argue it was rude to leave someone standing out in the cold like this he was draped in a large towel, soft and warm.

"I-- Thanks." He didn't know what else to say.

Immediately he felt Ronan relaxing like Adam had deflated all the tension around them, giving in to a small smile like he had wanted to since he first saw him there. His face at once became open, body language inviting.

"You must be freezing," Ronan noted, touching at the soaked sleeves of Adam's jacket. "Did you walk in the rain?"

"Is it still raining?" Adam leaned into him, allowing him to sweep the hair from his face. "I hadn't noticed."

Ronan inclined his whole front into him, warm and dry and familiar. They fit together so well, it was a wonder why it took them this long to finally get it right. Adam reached for his face, thumbing his chin littered in stubble.

"I'm in love with you, too, Ronan." It came out like a breeze, like he had been saying it for months, for years even. As soon as he said it he felt so still inside. This was everything he had to offer to him. "I'm not going to ever want out. I'm never going to get bored or feel trapped. I don't know her, but I know I will love Opal with all my heart same as I love you, because she's a part of you and important to you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you if you'll have me. I'm in this, fully and wholly, until the end."

His reaction was a grin slowly spreading wide on his face and a hand reaching out for Adam. It was still raining, and he was still freezing, more so now as he felt the heat coming off Ronan's gaze, that longing expressed on his face he, too, felt inside.

"Fucking Christ, Parrish, you're soaked."

Adam unwound at the touch of his hands at his waist, and then there was the sound of small feet running toward the door.

Suddenly little Opal was present, as blonde and as small as ever with her pixie cut and big eyes. She looked younger somehow in person. Ronan stilled when she appeared, grabbing at his pants leg.

“ _Daddy, come back inside_ ,” she groaned. She approached the doorway completely, shivering as she touched at her arms. Her big eyes lifted up to find Adam’s, who didn’t know what to do when a moment ago all he could think of was kissing Ronan senseless. That didn’t feel appropriate when meeting his daughter for the first time.

“ _Daddy, who is this?_ ” she asked. She was speaking in Gaelic, which Adam proudly understood after months of secretly learning it.

Ronan’s gaze dropped to her and his hands fell off Adam’s person, reaching for Opal instead.

“ _Gremlin, go back inside_ —”

Opal reached around him, slithering out of his grip, to grab for Adam’s closer hand. Hers was so small in his.

“ _Do you like tea?_ ” she asked him.

“I…” He looked at Ronan, who clearly did not know what to do about this. Perhaps it was because he thought Adam couldn’t understand her, perhaps he was backing out already, perhaps it was something else entirely that made his face go blank. Either way, he looked back down to Opal who was smiling at him. He smiled back.

“ _Yeah, I like tea_ ,” he said. “ _Why-?_ ”

“ _Come on_.”

Before he knew it he was being dragged into the house by her tiny little hand. He could feel Ronan right behind him, shutting the door and following the pair of them through the house. He wasn’t sure if this was okay, but after all he did just confess his undying love to him. Least he could do was let him dry off; meet his kid for the first time. Right?

“ _Stay here,_ ” she instructed, and at once let go of Adam’s hand to run off to some unknown room, leaving him alone with Ronan again. They were at the foot of the stairs on the first floor, and Adam was able to take in the look of the place. It was nothing like he expected Ronan’s house to look like, and yet it looked exactly as he expected. Warm, full of light, open with several rooms visible from their position by the front door. He could see into the dining room and the living room, both full of old furniture and covered in toys. It was not surprising Opal was a bit of a mess and that he allowed her to be.

Behind him he felt hands at the towel on his shoulders, moving it to his hair. Adam shook from the chill that ran down the center of his spine, startling him awake. Ronan was drying his hair for him. In response he tilted his head back to look up at Ronan, feeling him staring down at him but not quite able to see unless he turned around.

“What are you thinking about?” he said to him, desperate to know what was on Ronan’s mind.

Ronan’s one hand traced the line of freckles on Adam’s outer ear with his thumb, eyes hooded.

“When the fuck did you learn Gaelic?” he said, in typical Ronan form.

Adam smiled. “Started learning after the Henrys’ wedding,” he replied. “Nothing to do with you, of course.”

“Of course,” said Ronan, twitching a smile he could see when he tilted his head further back. Finally, Ronan whipped him around, still holding the towel at his shoulders, holding him in place when he spun a little too fast. His eyes were fixed on Adam’s mouth.

“So….” Adam said, trying to find words again.

“ _Come on_ ,” said Opal, appearing again and grabbing Adam’s hand, pulling him from Ronan’s grip. There was a comfortable silence as they moved through the maze of a farmhouse this was. A magical place that was old but loved. Walls lined with photographs of generations old and generations new. A lot of them featured Opal heavily, and Adam could feel his heart sing.

“ _We’re in here_ ,” she said, tugging at his hand and making a sharp left.

“ _We_?”

He looked back at Ronan as they turned the corner into what was clearly her bedroom. The walls were painted to look like a forest, the ceiling a clear blue sky, with those glow in the dark stars stuck to it as well. When inside, Opal ran over to the corner where there was a small table, and atop it a tea set. Half the seats were already occupied with stuffed animals. Adam gestured to one of the empty seats for Ronan to sit first, but Opal shook her head, arms crossing at her chest.

“ _Daddy’s been banned from the tea table_ ,” she said.

Adam’s brow cocked up in curiosity. “ _Oh, is that right?_ ”

“ _She just learned that word last week_ ,” said Ronan, eyes focused intensely on him, trying to disguise what he really thought about Adam’s ability to speak Gaelic and not doing a very good job at it. “ _She’s been banning me from everything._ ”

Adam tried not to laugh, and he placed a hand over his mouth to muffle the thought. Ronan was still staring at him, arms crossed over his chest to match his daughter’s. He was standing by the doorway, leaning against it and observing as Opal gestured to a chair for Adam to sit at. He sat down where she offered, although it was a struggle not to fall completely on his ass. These were very small and very short chairs. It was a surprise it held up his weight.

“ _What’s your name?_ ” Opal inquired, hand at her chin as she leaned against the table, probably copying something Ronan did once. She was every much a bit of him it was amazing.

“Adam,” he answered.

“Adam.” Opal smiled, taking the word and sounding it out for herself with her thick accent. “ _I’m Opal_.”

“ _Well, it’s lovely to meet you, Opal._ ” At that, he reached over for her hand and she took it immediately, turning it to kiss at the back of his hand.

“ _I’ll make you tea_ ,” she said, starting to get to work at the little toy kettle at the center of the table. Adam looked around at the other “guests”, noting the stuffed raven and cow on either side of him.

“ _And these are?_ ”

“ _This is Chainsaw_ ,” she said, pointing to the raven, “ _and this is Darren_.”

“ _Those are two very different names._ ”

“ _Daddy named Chainsaw._ ”

“ _Mm. Makes sense_.”

Behind him he could hear Ronan scoff and he tried not to smile too wide.

“ _Do they get tea, too?_ ” he asked Opal.

She looked at him as if she were just asked a very difficult math equation.

“ _No_ ,” she said. “ _They’re not real, Adam_.”

Ronan snorted, and this time Adam turned to look at him and gave him a frown. The man openly smiled back at him, teasing him. This thrilled him far deeper than anything ever could. He felt more awake than he ever did anywhere else. Then he felt Opal poke him on the cheek and his attention was returned to the small human at his other side.

“ _You talk funny_ ,” she said.

He tried not to be openly amused by that. “ _I’m from a different country than you are,_ ” he explained. “ _I’m from America._ ”

Opal gasped. “ _America! Daddy goes there all the time. He won’t take me, though. But he said maybe next summer._ ”

Suddenly Adam could picture her side of everything when Ronan would leave and see him in the states: Opal waiting for him here. It was understandable he didn’t visit as often as he could.

“ _Do you miss him when he’s gone?_ ” he asked her.

“Eh.” Opal shrugged.

“Oy!” Ronan called from off to the side.

Opal looked over at him, smirking, the same as his smirk. Then she laughed, gleeful, the sound of which made him feel what could only be described as the opposite of homesick. As if he had just come home after a long time away.

“ _You little punk_ ,” said Ronan, inciting more laughter from her.

She grinned, before looking down at her tea set and fiddling with the cups and pot. With her distracted Adam stole a glance at Ronan, who was looking back, watching him. He bit on his lower lip as he smiled at him, and Adam very much did not like the thoughts forming in his head in a child’s bedroom.

“ _How do you know my dad?_ ” Opal asked. Adam turned back to her, looking as she stirred something in her teapot with a spoon. There looked to be actual liquid inside there.

“ _We met on one of his trips to America_ ,” he said. His Gaelic was getting less concrete the longer they conversed. A five year old had better grammar than he did.

Opal started to pour out some tea for him and actual liquid came out of the pot, clear and seemingly safe to drink. He glanced over at Ronan for guidance, who gestured to sip it.

Upon the first sip he was immediately startled by the overly sweet taste, and almost gagged. It was sugar water, and he wasn’t expecting that. He coughed a little as Opal waited for him to speak. To his right he could hear Ronan snickering by the doorway.

“ _It’s… It’s great, Opal._ ”

“ _Don’t lie_ ,” said Ronan between laughs. “ _It’s terrible._ ”

“It’s not,” Adam said tersely, reaching for another sip but hesitating last minute. “ _It’s not. It’s great._ ”

“ _Opal knows it’s terrible,_ ” Ronan countered. “ _Don’t you, Opal?_ ”

She was laughing again, which gave Adam his answer. She was literally her father’s child.

“ _Daddy spit all over the floor when he drank it_ ,” she giggled. “ _It was funny._ ”

“ _I bet it was_.” He eyed Ronan in his peripheral, unwilling to show his amusement. The taste of the sugar water was still present on his tongue. After the amusement waned in both Opal and Ronan, Opal sat down next to Adam at the table, pushing Darren the cow out of the way. She placed her elbows on the table, chin in her hands, staring up at him.

“ _Are you going to stay here?_ ” she asked. Adam didn’t know what to say to that. Coming here was one thing, meeting her was another thing, staying here. Ronan hadn’t yet officially said anything in response to his confession, and Adam still wasn’t completely sure what they were to each other at this point. But he quite liked the idea of staying. Forever, if they would have him.

“ _Uncle Gamsee_ _doesn’t stay here_ ,” Opal confessed, and Adam almost laughed at the idea of Gansey having such an absurd nickname.

“I…” His eyes flickered over to Ronan who was doing his very best not to show any expression at all. “ _More tea?_ ”

“ _Ew! You’re weird, Adam._ ” Despite her dismissal she poured more tea into his cup. “ _I like you_.”

“ _I like you, too, Opal._ ”

His heart was singing.

After a little while longer Ronan was invited to join at the table, sitting where Darren the cow used to, right beside Adam. Their knees knocked into each other as they both tried to sit casually in the small chairs at the small table. Opal poured Ronan a drink, too, but he was smart enough not to drink it. He pretended, stating it needed more sugar. Adam gave him a look that told him to stop with that, since Adam was being polite and actually drinking the water that surely was going to give him a stomachache later.

Halfway through the second round of tea, after Opal began to introduce Adam to more of her stuffed animals, a door somewhere else in the house was slammed shut.

Adam turned to Ronan. “Is there someone else--?”

“Ronan, you busy?” A young man appeared in the doorway, wearing a rain jacket that was dripping onto the wood floor in Opal’s room. He pulled back the hood to reveal similarly curly hair to Ronan’s, blonder and thicker, with a rounder face and a full smile. “I wanted to _—_ ” His eyes drifted to Adam and he was startled to find him there. “Oh, hi. I didn’t realize we had company.”

He was speaking in English, which meant he had to be Matthew. Upon this realization Adam fumbled to his feet, knocking back the chair he had sat on. The awkward action caught Ronan’s attention, who was smirking up at him as he reached over to shake Matthew’s hand.

“Matthew Lynch,” he said, getting rain on Ronan underneath them. “Nice to meet you.”

“Adam Parrish. Likewise.”

“Adam.” His eyes conspicuously flickered to Ronan, and at once Ronan was staring down at his feet. Matthew’s brow only rose at this, higher still when he managed to catch his brother’s attention attention. The older Lynch’s ears were tinted pink when he looked his way again, avoiding any chance of eye contact with Adam. Extremely subtle, all of this. Adam was grinning, regardless. He talked about him to his brother.

“What do we owe the pleasure?” said Matthew, slapping Ronan on the back to pull him back into the conversation. Opal had come around and wanted to be a part of the conversation, too, and jumped into Ronan’s lap, distracting him by tugging at his shirtsleeves.

“I was in town,” said Adam.

Ronan scoffed quietly, before making weird faces at Opal to distract her, and probably himself too. His face was still hues of red.

“Mm.” Matthew glanced between the pair of them, fully grinning and obvious now with his expression. “Well, I don’t want to disturb you. I can take Opal if you—”

Ronan set her down to run off somewhere else in the house, sighing.

“What is it, Matthew?” He didn’t look to have the patience for his brother’s teasing. Although Adam knew he wouldn’t have minded some alone time with Ronan to sort through everything. He wasn’t sure if this was allowed, wasn’t sure if Ronan was okay with him being here or his confession, wasn’t sure about a lot. Five minutes. That’s all he needed.

Matthew looked as dejected as Adam felt, giving Adam a look that said _sorry, I tried_.

“One of the brewing systems stalled again,” he said, “and the technician won’t be able to come give a look until Tuesday.”

“That’s nearly a week away,” Ronan sputtered, hands going straight to his hair to run his fingers through it. At once he began to pace around the room, frantic in a way Adam had never seen him before. He sounded pissed. “We don’t have that sort of time.”

Meanwhile Matthew appeared cool and collected by comparison. “He’s the only one left on the islands you haven’t pissed off, Ronan,” he said. I wouldn’t go pissing him off, too.”

Ronan groaned, pulling at his hair as he started pacing even faster around the room. Adam observed all of this, and felt he should say something, so he stepped closer.

“I can take a look at it if you want,” he offered.

Matthew perked up. “You can?” He sounded overjoyed.

Ronan looked apprehensive. “Do you even know what to do with a brewing machine?”

“I think I could figure it out,” said Adam, sure of his abilities. “Show it to me?”

“Right,” said Matthew, gesturing to the doorway. “Thanks.”

They started for the front door, Ronan behind him and Matthew in front. Outside Opal’s room he could hear the rain beating down hard on the roof again, and in the corner could see her drawing on paper in the living room floor.

“It’s no problem,” said Adam, distracted briefly as Opal looked up from her drawing and smiled at him. He never thought he would ever want kids before, but looking at her and her looking at him, he instantly felt that pinch in his chest of that want ever growing. “I’m good with machines.”

“So I’ve heard,” Matthew whispered close to him. Adam wondered just how often Ronan talked about him, but before he could think to ask he felt a hand on his arm.

“Hold on,” said Ronan behind him. “You’re soaked. You should change. You can borrow some of my clothes if you want.”

“I have a change of clothes,” said Adam, and he went to retrieve his bag from beside the front door, noting it was still soaked through. “Or, maybe I’ll take you up on that offer.”

“This way,” he said, guiding Adam up the stairs.

Before he knew it he was in Ronan’s bedroom, spacious and full. He took it in, the view of the land from the window, the bed that needed to be made, the clothes littered around the floor. Ronan kicked at an old shirt.

“Haven’t had a chance to clean it recently,” he said.

Adam shrugged. “Mine was worse when you were last in it,” he reminded him.

There was a desk in the corner littered in drawings, some clearly Opal and some looked to be by Ronan himself. After a moment it dawned on him that Ronan had disappeared into the walk in closet attached to his room, and he was left alone.

“I like your room.”

Somehow he made it more awkward than it already was, and when Ronan returned from his closet with a pair of pants and a shirt and rain jacket, he was trying not to laugh.

“Here,” he said, ignoring what Adam had stated.

“Thanks.”

As Adam stared down at the offered clothes, his own clinging to him in uncomfortable ways as they dried, he wondered what it was they were doing. Only earlier he confessed to Ronan, and he still hadn’t properly responded. This would have been the perfect time, and instead it was as awkward as ever. They met eyes and Adam could sense something there, buried underneath Ronan’s empty expression.

Slowly he set down the other clothes and began to peel off his shirt, the chill in the air biting at his still damp skin. He found Ronan’s eyes drifting downward, taking him in.

“Parrish, at the rate you’re undressing my entire livelihood will have collapsed,” he remarked.

Adam began to unbuckle his belt, but not before tilting Ronan’s chin upward to guide his attention back to his eyes.

“You never said anything after I told you I love you,” he pointed out.

“I didn’t?”

“I think I would’ve remembered,” said Adam.

“I’m just still…” His eyes closed a moment. “You flew all the way here just for me,” he said, clearly bewildered.

“Well I've heard Ireland is pretty beautiful, so I had to see so for myself.” Adam shrugged and pulled away. “You just happened to be here.”

Ronan gaped at him. “Parrish, you asshole,” he said, but he was grinning.

It still wasn’t confirmation that they were okay, that the thing he dreamed of for months was finally happening, but he allowed himself the thought that it was. Again he started to undress, finishing with his belt and starting with his jeans. They stuck to his skin, still soaked through.

“I didn't mean for Opal to meet me like she did,” he said, looking down as he strived to take his pants off as smoothly as possible. “I'm sorry if you didn’t want me to meet her.”

“I don’t mind,” said Ronan.

Still, Adam didn’t let himself look at him as he said, “She’s a great kid.”

“Yeah, she is. She likes you a lot.”

Adam allowed himself to smile hearing this. He liked her a lot, too.

“Is that going to be a problem?” Finally Adam allowed himself the pleasure of meeting Ronan’s gaze, which was heavy on him and hot. His shiny blue eyes were startling as if he was looking into them only for the first time. Ronan looked so gentle.

“Well, I can tell who's going to be her favorite,” he said.

“Her favorite....?” What was he going on about?

“She'll probably become your favorite, too,” Ronan went on to say. “I don’t stand a chance.”

“Wait.” He realized what Ronan was getting at. “Are you saying-?”

“I still love you, I guess.” The Irishman shrugged, casually, like this was nothing. The playfulness in his tone was not helping with Adam’s anxiety or his racing heart.

“You guess?” He was grinning anyway.

“You're alright, I suppose,” said Ronan.

“Stop with all this flattery. It's too much.”

Ronan’s lips spread wide into a grin to match his, and he came forward to touch at Adam’s bare chest, hand to his heart. At the simple touch he unspooled and leaned into him, almost giving in to cry. He dragged his head forward so he could rest it against Ronan’s. The contact of skin against skin, Ronan’s warm against Adam’s cold. He could feel his soft breath on his face, fanning his chin and bare chest.

“I owe Sargent so much,” said Ronan.

“Blue?” Adam didn’t want to talk about his friends right now. “What does she have to do with this?”

Ronan’s hands were feeling around his arms, squeezing his shoulders. His touch left trails of fire behind.

“She gave me a rude awakening a few weeks ago,” Ronan whispered, “and I am very, very grateful for her right now. Told me to get off my ass, that you were something to fight for.”

“I didn’t know she did that.” Adam could feel tears welling in his eyes. He loved Blue.

“She didn’t want you to know. In case I didn’t go through with it, I guess. I think that—“

“Stop talking.”

And Adam was kissing Ronan fiercely, grabbing at him anywhere his hands could reach, finding places at his shoulders. Ronan reacted with a swift gasp, hands dipping to cup at his ass through his wet jeans. Adam wanted nothing but the feeling of his lips against his, his skin against his, and to possibly take him apart on this bed if he allowed it.

In a feverish rush he managed to take off Ronan’s shirt and kick off his pants, biting Ronan’s lower lip and dragging it out to suck on it. He tasted like how he remembered, felt like how he dreamt. It was easy to remember where he liked his hands to be, how much tongue to use, what angles to kiss. Like no time had passed since their last. Ronan moaned loudly into the entanglement, hands eagerly fingering him through his jeans. There was enough traction despite the damp material for him to feel his hand groping.

“ _Dad!_ ”

Opal yelling for Ronan felt like stepping into a cold shower.

“Fuck.” Ronan recoiled enough that the thought of anything past chaste kisses was no longer offered. His hands went to hold Adam’s face on either side, a simple touch in comparison to their dangerously erotic groping seconds ago. His eyes were focused on Adam’s lips, still thinking about those past seconds as Opal shouted a second time.

“I have to–” Ronan started.

“Yeah.” Adam was breathing hard, and gestured with a tilt of his head. “You go handle that. I’ll change.”  
“Good.” Ronan’s mouth quirked. “You look like a mess right now.”

Adam rolled his eyes at him. “Lynch.”

In turn, Ronan’s lips blossomed into a full grin. “Parrish.”

They broke apart when Opal shouted a third time, seemingly closer or perhaps that was just how Adam heard it. Before Ronan could open the door, he was faster, and he pinned him against the wall long enough to steal a slow, moan inducing, skin shivering kiss that left the Irishman stunned silent a few seconds. For no other reason than because Adam could.

Ronan blinked, staring back at him, as he searched for the doorknob without properly looking. His hand slipped past it several times until he caught on it, turning it and then walking backward out the room.

If Adam were the type of person who danced when something amazing happened, he would have danced right then. Instead he changed into the clothes Ronan lent him and went downstairs to meet with him and Matthew. The sight of Ronan still wrecked gave him goose bumps, and the feeling of his hand slipping into his instantly warmed him all over. He looked at him with such a tender gaze, Adam was pretty sure he was still asleep on that plane to a point he had to pinch himself to prove he was in fact living this reality.

With his second hand, Ronan reached and tugged at the strings on either side of Adam’s jacket hood. Pulling them at the same time he tightened Adam’s hood around his face.

“What are you doing?” Adam tried to look up through the roof of the hood. “Now I can’t see.”

“Trying to teach you proper rain prevention behavior,” Ronan instructed. “Don’t want you getting hypothermia, do we?”

“I live in New York City," Adam argued. "It rains there. I know how to handle myself in the rain."

"Says the man who arrived here soaked through. You're still a little wet, actually."

His fingers grazed the floppy part of Adam's hair at the front.

" _Let's go!_ " said Opal, shouting with her hand in Mathew's. She was wearing rain boots and a similar rain jacket to theirs, anxiously straining on Matthew's arm as if she had to pee.

Ronan stuck out his tongue at her. "Gremlin," he called her.

" _Butt!_ " she shouted back. " _I want to see the cows! Come **on** , Daddy. Ugh._"

He rolled his eyes in an exaggerated way, inciting a giggle from her before Matthew pulled her out into the rain with him.

"We'll meet you over there!" he said, disappearing into the small storm outside, pulling Opal along. It left them alone for a brief second, and Adam knew how he wanted to spend that time. The look he gave Ronan must have made that clear, because he blushed a little and dipped his gaze fleetingly.

"Come on, Machine Wizard." He gave a good tug on Adam's hand, where their fingers fit together like they were always meant to. Adam touched at Ronan's jacket, the man foregoing a hood himself.

"That's not a bad nickname," he said, amused. "You know, I think I might actually start using that."

Ronan gave him an exasperated expression as he started off into the rain, taking Adam with him.

The brewery was out back and appeared indistinguishable from the barn, but Ronan obviously knew which was which and pulled him along. Outside it was raining harder than before, the winds heavy and angry, going against Adam's uproarious happy mood. He supposed there had to be a balance somewhere. Nature appeared to be that leveling field.

Inside the brewery it looked exactly as one would expect a brewery to look like, just smaller. All the machines looked confusing and foreign to him, but machines were machines. Adam could figure this one out like he's done countless times before. When he could see the machine that was visibly malfunctioning he pulled back the hood from his jacket and let his hand slip from Ronan's, needing to focus.

He started poking around as he could hear Opal's voice echo from outside, her and Matthew having gone to the other barn to say hello to the cows, apparently. It left him and Ronan alone again, but if Ronan wanted his beer back and working he needed to focus.

Instead as Adam was knelt down in front of where he suspected the problem was, he felt Ronan run his hands through his hair.

"Lynch," he said, not even daring to look at him. He knew if he did they would be making out against the very thing he offered to fix.

"Parrish."

"You're distracting me," he said.

"I'm very sorry." Ronan did not sound sorry. His fingers tickled the bottom of Adam's hairline before he separated them. Adam had to run his own hand through his hair to think, replacing the touch with his own otherwise he was going to replay that moment again and again and sit staring at this already unfamiliar thing for hours.

"I have the manual for it if that helps any?" said Ronan, coming back from somewhere else in the barn with a large book. He set it down on the ground by Adam's knee, stealing a touch when he did.

"Thanks," said Adam. "That'll actually be really useful."

And it was. Despite the continuous efforts of Ronan's distracting touches, soon partnered with Opal coming in and asking what they were doing, Adam managed to fix what had broken and received an ecstatic hug from Matthew as a result.

"You're a lifesaver," he said. "Seriously."

"It was no problem," said Adam. Ronan was standing on the edge of this exchange, observing.

As soon as it was over he sighed, thinking they could finally have a moment alone.

"There's actually been a problem with our tractor, too, if you're up for taking a look at--"

"Matthew," said Ronan.

His little brother didn't understand the problem. "What?" he asked. "Oh, right. You don't have to-"

"I don't mind." Adam really didn't. It was a long time ago since last he went under cars or tractors to fiddle around. Even with his own it was so well kept he hadn't had the need to fix anything in a while. He sort of missed it, getting his hands dirty with grease and bringing something back to life if it was once dead.

Ronan was watching him as he followed Matthew to the other barn, and it wasn't long until he spotted him and Opal following them. Inside, the barn was huge. The cows were lined against one wall in separate stalls that had second doors that led out into a field, all currently closed due to the rain he suspected. At the center of the barn was an old, large tractor that had seen better days. Adam knew immediately what was probably wrong with it and started peeling off his jacket again in preparation to get started. It was freezing out here, colder than in the brewery, but he needed full access to his arms and didn’t want to rip the coat on anything.

" _I want to watch_ ," he heard Opal proclaim, appearing seconds later with Ronan holding her hand.

“Opal,” Matthew said, moving to take her from his brother. “Come on. It’s cold out here. Let’s go back inside and color. Leave this to the grown ups.”

“Coloring is stupid!” Opal said, in clear-cut English. “I want to be here.”

“Coloring is _not_ stupid,” said Matthew. “Come on.”

He dragged her away against her protests, shouting at him in a Gaelic English hybrid as they disappeared into the rain.

When Adam and Ronan were alone again, Adam started looking through the toolbox that sat at the wheel of the tractor, picking out which tool he would need first.

Still hovered over the box, he could feel Ronan staring at him, watching him from a safer distance than when they were in the brewery earlier. He turned his head enough to call over his shoulder at him.

“She can speak English?” he said, curious.

Ronan laughed. “Did you think she could only speak Gaelic?”

“I wasn't sure,” Adam admitted with a shrug.

“She's a smart kid, so it wasn't too difficult to teach her both,” said Ronan. “I like speaking Gaelic with her now. When she's older she might never want to speak it again, so I speak it while I have the chance.”

“Mm, I see.” Adam didn’t know why, but he found that adorable, and he smiled despite himself looking back down at the tools in the box.

"Say... When you get done with this, can you take a look at--"

Adam was frowning at him before he could finish that sentence.

"I'm kidding," Ronan said, hands up in playful surrender.

“If I'm going to be your all around handyman I should be getting paid for this,” Adam said.

“I'll make you dinner,” Ronan offered, which surprised him.

“You cook?”

There was heat in his face when he realized how he said it, but Ronan didn’t appear to take offense, shrugging it off. “Did you think I gave Opal frozen meals every day?” he laughed.

“Sort of, yeah.”

Ronan appeared amused by this, coming closer to touch at his hair again. This time Adam didn’t care if he distracted him. This wasn’t needed immediately, and he sighed, feeling his fingers in his hair again.

“Is it that late already?” The reminder of time passing suddenly made him weary, aching everywhere from all the stress he had pent up in him the last three days. Though they didn’t touch everywhere, somehow Ronan’s fingers massaged that pain away each swipe through his hair. He closed his eyes to the feeling.

“It’s dark out,” he said.

“I thought that was just the rain.” With his eyes closed, he could hear Ronan’s breathing over the sound of the rain.

“Do you…” Ronan took a deep breath, sounding nervous. “Do you have a place to stay in town?”

Adam opened his eyes and stood up at the mention of this. “No, I didn't think that far ahead,” he confessed. “The moment I got off the ferry I sort of bargained my way into a ride to see you.”

Ronan's face was full of such serene glee. “I see,” he said, still trying to act casual. His hands were distracted on the laces in his raincoat. “You can stay here.”

“On the sofa?”

The fleeting glance of pure horror on Ronan's face as he took him seriously was priceless, especially when he next rolled his eyes and grunted, shoving playfully at Adam's shoulder.

"You ass," he said. " _Now_ it's the sofa."

Adam shrugged. "It looks to be a pretty comfortable one, I wouldn't mind. I've slept on worse."

"Yeah?" And then there was no space between them. "Well, I mean two of us could probably fit on it if you're _that_ adamant about it."

There was never enough space on Adam's face to hold his smiles. They wanted to go wider than physically possible. He pinched himself again when Ronan bent into him and kissed him.

"I'm sure we could find some room in that big bed upstairs," Adam whispered. He broke the kiss and sighed. "First, I'm going to take a look at your tractor."

"You really don't have to," said Ronan. "Matthew, I think, thinks I'm going to change my mind on this or something and ask you to leave, so he's trying to find excuses for you to stay."

Adam chewed his lower lip. That was endearing in a strange way, but he suspected all Lynch brothers did things in strange ways.

"I still don't mind," he said.

"You're already filthy," said Ronan, touching at his cheek. A smear of grease was now apparent on his finger.

"I can shower," said Adam. Feeling brave, he hooked a finger around a belt loop in Ronan's jeans. "You could join me."

Ronan inhaled sharply and inclined forward a little more. "Yeah?"

Adam felt a rush as he nodded, hooking a second finger into another belt loop. Then out of the corner of his eye he spotted movement and it wasn't from a cow.

" _Daddy, Uncle Matt has to go. Come play with me. I'm bored._ "

Both Opal and Matthew were standing at the edge of the barn, and Ronan sighed, closing his eyes a second. Adam stroked his cheek to silently let him know this was fine. Waiting was fine. He would wait forever. Okay, maybe not forever. At some point Opal would have things to do that wouldn't disrupt them, but he would wait as long as needed for that moment.

"Welcome to my life," Ronan whispered, before turning around toward Opal. " _Where are your manners, squirt?_ "

" _Manners_?" Opal shrugged. " _Don't know._ "

" _You little monster._ " At once Ronan dashed forward and Opal squealed, racing off into the dark outside, likely toward the house. Adam could still hear her and him shouting a little longer, until his eyes refocused on Matthew still staring at him.

"I'm glad you're here, Adam," he said. "I'm really happy to have met you. Ronan's lucky to have you."

Adam felt a lump in his throat and a threat of tears in his eyes. That was unexpected. "Thanks," he said, coughing the word out more than actually saying it. He didn't know what else there was to say.

"Hopefully I'll see you tomorrow, yeah?"

Adam nodded. "Yeah." He liked the sound of that. "See you tomorrow."

Matthew's face lit up tenfold as he nodded back at him and turned to leave. After a few more minutes of letting this all soak in, Adam turned to the tractor and started to get to work.

 

\------------

 

At dinner it was just him, Ronan, and Opal. They had steak for dinner, and Opal had Adam cut hers up for her instead of Ronan who usually did it. It was fun, having an entire conversation in Gaelic, listening to Opal and Ronan talk about her play date she had planned with another kid "a couple houses down."

" _How far is that?_ " Adam asked, genuinely curious. " _Like, an hour's drive?_ "

" _No_ ," Ronan said with a snort. " _It's not that far. This island isn't that big, Parrish. You'll soon realize that."_

Adam liked the underlying suggestion in that statement. That he was going to be here a while.

Watching Opal and Ronan interact, he allowed himself to imagine his future where this was every day. Every meal. That they lived here part of the year or on holidays. He was going to have to get used to flying, no matter where they lived. It was nice, to think about this. He was smiling through the whole meal.

After dinner, Opal took Adam back out to the barn to properly introduce him to the cows, having given each of them a personal name and unsurprisingly one of them being Darren.

When Opal let out her first yawn Ronan scooped her up off the ground with a groan.

" _Time for bed_ ," he said.

" _No!_ "

" _Hey, you use your manners, gremlin. We have a guest._ "

“ _I don’t want to go to bed_ ,” Opal said.

“ _Well, too bad, kiddo_ ,” said Ronan. “ _It’s past your bedtime and I just don’t have it in me to carry you to bed anymore_.”

Opal giggled, poking at her father’s face. “ _You’re carrying me right now!_ ” she argued.

“ _I don’t know what you’re talking about._ ”

Opal then pointed straight at Adam, who glanced behind himself just to be sure she wasn’t pointing to someone else. “ _I want Adam to read me my bedtime story. Not you._ ”

“ _Oh, wow_.” Ronan feigned shock and disappointment. “ _Being replaced, am I?_ ”

Opal looked at Ronan and nodded. “ _It's not personal_ ,” she said.

Adam and Ronan exchanged a look, and Adam couldn’t help but laugh. She was a delightful little thing. He enjoyed every second of today he spent with her, and spending more with her didn’t sound bad at all.

“Is it okay if I…?” He reached for her to take her off Ronan’s hands.

“She made the decision already,” he replied, handing her off. She was lighter in Adam’s arms than he expected, but squirmed around like a worm. “Going against her now would only initiate a tantrum. She can get quite the temper,” said Ronan, stroking at Opal’s short, blonde hair. “I don’t know where she gets it from.”

“I have some ideas,” Adam quipped.

“Rude.”

Adam read Opal _Goldilocks and the Three Bears_ , and she was fast asleep before the bears even came home, nestled against his side in her tiny bed. She had demanded he lie down in it too beside her, and although they barely fit somehow they managed. Now she had her head on his shoulder and one arm wrapped around his. So small and precious.

He lay there watching her sleep, unsure how to get free and unsure he wanted to. It was understandable Ronan’s apprehension of being away from her, of wanting to keep her heart from getting broken if things didn’t work out. He only wished that he met her long ago, that he and Ronan started this sooner than today.

But that was unhealthy thinking, and he pushed those thoughts away when Opal’s bedroom door was pushed open a crack. Ronan peered inside, noticing them lying on the bed together. He looked absolutely undone staring at the pair of them.

“I can’t move,” Adam whispered to him.

Ronan pretended like he was being put out and rolled his eyes, coming forward and taking her hand off his arm. Carefully he helped exchange Adam’s shoulder for a pillow, and when Adam was completely free they stepped outside, but not before Ronan gave her a quick kiss on the forehead. Now Adam was the one who was undone.

Outside her room, they lingered a moment, Ronan glancing back at the shut door.

“Usually she needs three stories before she falls asleep,” he said. “You must have a dull reading voice, Parrish.”

“Thanks.”

“I’ve had a bad case of insomnia these past six months,” Ronan added. “Maybe you should read me a story so I fall asleep, too.”

Adam tried not to smile at him, shaking his head to avoid letting Ronan see him struggle.

Together they went outside onto the covered porch. The rain died down a little since last they were outside, but it was still ice cold out, and neither was wearing a jacket anymore. Adam stared off at the view a little, light rimming the edge of the sky in the distance, from perhaps the town or another house down the way. It gave off a light blue hue, distracting him from his thoughts and from the reality that now they were completely alone. Free to do whatever.

Ronan wasn’t as distracted, and at once he touched Adam’s closer hand, pulling it up to sit at his waist. He dragged him closer and pinned Adam between him and the railing, brushing their fronts together and staring him in the eye. As if asking if this was okay, if he could continue. Adam licked his lips and inclined his head forward, and Ronan rushed forward too to kiss him hard.

His hands were at Adam’s hips and he melted into the kiss, sighing. Like the last piece of himself clicked together with the rest. He wound his arms around Ronan's neck, hands meeting at the base of his skull. Suddenly Ronan's hands were lifting him up, feet dangling a little off the ground as they kissed. 

“Mm, I have an early flight in the morning,” Adam jested. “Can we make this quick?”

“You fucker.”

Adam grinned cheekily and moved to wrap his legs around Ronan’s waist, kissing him from above, an angle he never tried before with someone. It was highly impressive Ronan could handle his whole weight on him, but then again he must have strong arms from all his work around the farm.

They made their way up to the bed, Ronan's hands still held firmly under Adam to hold him aloft, and Adam's legs still tightly wound around his waist. His hands were in Ronan's hair, pulling just enough to guide him quicker toward the bedroom. The stairs were the worst part, Adam almost willing to slip from his arms to run up the stairs and drag Ronan along. Ronan seemed quite insistent, however, to hold him in place. He somehow managed speed and carefulness simultaneously, out of sheer determination.

Adam felt him moan into his mouth and squeeze his hands that held him up when Adam shifted around at the top of the stairs, rubbing against him in the process. The walking went even quicker, Ronan dipping forward into him, which tilted Adam backward.

When they crossed the threshold into his room Adam purposefully slipped out of his grip as Ronan reached for the door to shut it. Adam noticed he didn't hear a lock click and he mentally froze, even as they went back to touching at each other, feeling Ronan's hands yanking impatiently at his pants.

"Should we lock the door?" Adam murmured, as Ronan mouthed his neck, hands fingering just inside the waistband of his briefs.

"Why?" was grunted against his earlobe, before Ronan bit it, and Adam tilted his head back to let the tiny bite ripple tingling throughout him. He began sucking on Adam's neck to distract him, leaving him to turn into jelly in his arms.

"In case Opal walks in on us," he said, and at once found the ability to move his arms again when Ronan pulled back a little. He gave him a _you're joking_ look.

"Opal's not a quiet kid," he said. "We would hear her halfway down the hall before she even came to the door."

"But what if she has nightmares?"

"Adam."

His lust for him was evident in his gaze, the way his hands still craved to touch even as his mouth had moved off him. He was aching for this, and so he promptly ignored his concerns and pushed Ronan into the bed.

"You swear she won't come in?" he asked.

"I don't want her to come in as much as you do-- _Christ_." Adam had crawled onto the bed and straddled him, pulling off his shirt to feel around at his chest. His nipples were perked but that was possibly half due to how cold Adam's hands were. Beneath him Ronan shivered, reaching for him, and Adam memorized this moment. This look. This feeling. This was how he was going to feel for the rest of his life.

He grinned as he bent down and touched at Ronan's lips with his fingers, tracing the line of his lower lip. Taking it slow, he pressed into Ronan's groin with his, initiating a rolling whimper from the man below him. His fingers dipped into his mouth, two joints deep, and Ronan shut his eyes and tipped his head back. He moaned again, softer, as his arms reached for Adam's shirtfront, pulling at it.

"God. Eager much?" he heated.

"Shut up." Ronan gripped the back of his neck and pulled him down to kiss him, grinding upward into him to make him shudder with delight. He let slip a sigh as he started on Ronan's pants, his wet hand slipping in when the zipper was undone. Ronan was hard and pulsing when Adam found his grip, teasing him with touches that made Ronan grunt and bite at their kiss.

"Fuck me," he begged. "I did, after all, make you dinner."

Adam laughed against his lips. That he did, he thought. The amusement lasted only a little longer until he pulled his hand out, easing Ronan out of his jeans, leaving him in only his briefs.

"This isn't entirely fair," Ronan mused, still hard in his briefs and a visible discoloring in them from a wet spot. His eyes were firmly planted on Adam's lack of undress in comparison to his, and he propped himself up on his elbows looking at him with disappointment. "Take off your clothes," he instructed.

"Don't be so bossy," said Adam. "I'm taking my time."

"We've waited long enough. Don't you think?"

That was true. They had certainly waited long enough, but he admittedly liked the look of longing on Ronan's face as he prolonged this moment.

Still, he peeled off his sweatshirt for him, immediately feeling hands on his bare skin. In turn, he touched at Ronan's chest, stroking the tattoo he got for Opal.

"Do I get a tattoo?" came out of him without any warning. Immediately he ducked his head, embarrassed, feeling his face prickle with heat. That felt almost too raw of a statement, too deep and unedited a thought.

Gently Ronan cupped his cheek, dragging him down with little effort to kiss him long and languidly. Half a beat through he whispered into Adam's mouth, "You can have every inch of bare skin I have left."

Though it sent shivers down his spine, and his breath hitched just a little, he managed to keep composed and even smirked a little.

"Well that's a little cheesy," he said, when inside he was swooning. That was a word he would have never before equated to anything he felt or had done, and yet.

"It's all your fault," said Ronan, whose thumb was moving in tiny circles at his cheek. His eyes were full of such adoration, it was hard not to simply hold him and let his love wash over him.

"Where's your lube?" he asked.

"'S over there," he said. With a tilt of his chin he gestured to the dresser across the room, and Adam peeled off the bed to grab it, against protests.

Standing up he went for the dresser, finding lube and some old condoms. He took them too without question, and turned back towards the bed with both. Ronan hadn't moved, patient and aching. He was still hard and so was Adam, who promptly shimmied out of his jeans and briefs with one hand, standing there bare before him.

They had seen each other naked before, but the sight still managed to incite a caught breath on Ronan's part, who stared openly and lengthily as he climbed back onto the bed and onto him. His hands went to touch his bare thighs, fingers digging in just a little as Adam lubed his fingers.

"Roll over," he instructed, through kissing and nipping at Ronan's lips. He moaned a little as he did as told, clutching at a sheet already, fully aware where Adam's hand was going.

When he helped ease Ronan out of his briefs, he moaned again against the sheets, muffling the louder noise as he gave into the sound completely. His shoulders shook when Adam touched delicately at his entrance, back arching upward as he appeared to steady himself.

"I haven't-- it's been a while," he said.

"It's been a while for me, too," he said. "There's no judgment here."

Adam leaned over him so his front was a whisper's kiss against Ronan's backside, kissing at his earlobe from behind. Suddenly he could see where all his muscles tensed, as they relaxed from the simple gesture, more so when his mouth moved across the length of his ear to kiss the underside of it.

"I never said I wasn't judging you," Ronan said, half whine. His sarcasm was not as strong when he was grasping for things blindly as his body rolled upward into Adam's touch. "Lots of judgment down-- _Christ_."

He had sucked a bruise at Ronan's neck and briefly bit him a small pinch to shut him up. He appeared to like it.

"You done?" Adam said, laughing against his nape, nose grazing past his hairline. He felt Ronan nod a little, and he started to massage with his fingers. At once Ronan grunted, head burying into a pillow, body convulsing one short breath.

Slowly, like a loose piece of sweater that was pulled, Ronan was coming undone at his touch. Adam was taking him apart with his fingers, massaging him open and ready. Carefully and meticulously he readied him for the real thing, personally regretting the idea of making this last as he was ready to finish from this alone, stretched thin hearing Ronan's gasps and hisses of approval when he shifted direction or added another finger.

"We should put on some music," Ronan said halfheartedly as Adam dragged him through another stretch of moaning. "You know, for the mood."

"Wouldn't that wake Opal up?" he asked.

"She can't hear from all the way up here," countered Ronan. "Besides, I'm not being - _fuck_ \- any quieter thanks to you."

Adam turned Ronan's head just a little to kiss him for that. To shut him up briefly.

When they parted Ronan resumed. "How about Africa by Toto?" Adam started laughing against his shoulder. "I hear that's a great song to fuck to." Adam wouldn't stop laughing.

"You asshole," he wheezed.

Ronan dramatically gasped again, this time not by anything done through his touch. "Don't laugh at me," he said. "That's it. Mood killed. Erection gone."

"I thought it was going to be a lot to drag you away from me," Adam said through more bouts of snickering.

"What?"

There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do," Adam went on. Ronan still didn't catch on. "Do you bless the rains down in Africa?"

"Oh, for fuck's sake," Ronan exclaimed. "I wasn't being serious."

"Gonna take some time to do the things we never had," Adam whispered, not quite singing but almost. He teased another moan from Ronan with his fingers as he tried to remember the other lyrics. When he realized they didn't remotely fit with the mood of the moment he instead starting humming, chuckles periodically interrupting him as he resumed with his fingers at Ronan's backside, deepening his touch until he felt it was time for the real thing.

At once he pulled out, without much warning, and Ronan jerked, shivering.

"What are you-?" He stopped talking when Adam turned him over, bending down between his legs to kiss him.

"I love you," Adam whispered, handing over to Ronan one of the condoms. "Put this on me?"

He didn't have to be told twice, eagerly ripping the package and inclining forward toward Adam. Their foreheads pressed together as he sighed, Ronan's hand delicate as it rolled the condom on him.

"I love you, too," Ronan mumbled, almost shy about it still. Adam cupped his cheek and smiled, kissing him chastely to get the point across he appreciated any utterance of the words.

When Ronan began to position his thighs on Adam's hips without a word, Adam lubed himself up and dipped his whole front into him, ready. They were throbbing when he moved to insert himself, the anticipation almost corporal to the touch. He held his breath for some unknown reason, nerves perhaps, when he entered Ronan, almost finishing right there. This was a lot. Something he had thought about for an entire year. At one point to him it was the thought of sex with a hot Irishman. Now it was making love with the love of his life.

Ronan let out a small, high-pitched sound that lasted barely a second, and Adam stopped.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Ronan hissed. "Don't stop." He proceeded to dip his head back, eyes closed. His fingers scratched at Adam's shoulders, and his thighs came to lock tighter around his waist, when Adam pushed further in.

They both moaned as Adam started to roll his hips, bending forward to press his head against Ronan's, stealing kisses between pants. He was faster than he meant to be, but he was starved for this for so long he wanted it now. Impatient, he jerked his hips down into Ronan, going deeper inside him, feeling Ronan squeeze with his thighs again and pull him down even more with his hands.

"Fuck," he groaned, and Adam snatched his lips with his teeth, inciting another curse in Gaelic to follow.

One of his hands went into Adam's hair, pulling it a little, the other still leaving marks on his back. Adam rolled again, swallowing a moan from Ronan, moaning too when he shifted underneath him.

They were feverish in their wants, pulling and tugging at each other, not afraid to order the other in silent guidance. They were limbs and skin and teeth and tongue, parts and whole together. Adam's mind was half gone at the feeling of being inside him, exploring him from a whole new place, being somewhere so private and special.

Both panted and moaned, bodies gleaming in sweat as they went harder and faster. Adam thrusted into Ronan with additional force and speed, feeling every nerve in his body alive and electric, every muscle in his body twitching in pleasurable pain. He ran his tongue across Ronan's collarbones as the other man was breathing erratically, on the verge of finishing he could tell by his constant swallowing and his loosened grip.

Adam put a little less force into it as a result, slower in his efforts when Ronan bit down on his lower lip to swallow back a moan. He wanted to hear it, so he pulled apart his lips with his tongue, quivering gleefully and selfishly when he let it out in his mouth, feeling it all the way down to his toes. His hands both went to Adam's hair, disappearing into the mess and only making it messier. He felt them massage his scalp as he moved his hips at a steady pace.

"I'm," Ronan moaned again, his sounds of pleasure addicting to a point Adam wanted to keep making more of them come out until neither could move. "I'm- oh fuck."

"What?" Adam didn't make a point of slowing down any, liking cutting Ronan's sentence off with his thrusts.

"I don't even- _oh_ \- I don't remember."

Adam snorted and felt Ronan pull at his hair.

"It's not funny."

"It's a little funny. You're cute."

"Am not."

Adam tenderly pecked at the corner of his lips. "Hate to break it to you, but you are."

"Asshole," Ronan shuddered, opening his eyes to stare up at Adam for the first time in a while that night. They were bright even in the dark.

"You love me," Adam teased, rolling into him slow enough it was almost painful. He watched as Ronan slowly reacted, trying not to; his lower lip shook and his eyes fleetingly shut in a flutter of several quick blinks, while his fingers curled around a chunk of Adam's hair and tugged again.

"Fuck," Ronan mumbled.

"And I love you," said Adam, kissing tenderly at his lips, and then his cheeks, and next his nose, before kissing at his eyelids. "Cute and pretty Ronan Lynch."

"I'm going to kill you," Ronan said, but his threat was obviously hollow, betrayed by everything he did as he said it. His voice cracked and his face flushed with color, and with one more swift roll of Adam's hips he was coming onto his stomach, wrecked from Adam's simultaneous tenderness and roughness.

Adam continued thrusting through Ronan's finish, feeling him tighten everywhere he held a grip on him, biting at Adam's neck as he smothered a heavy sound of his ecstasy against his skin. When Ronan finished shaking Adam came soon after, riding through the sensation until he couldn't hold himself up anymore and he pulled out from Ronan to collapse on the bed beside him, staring up at the ceiling.

Breathless and aching, he took a moment to just lie there in the revelation that this happened. Finally. Gratefully. He grinned until he felt Ronan's hand touching at him, peeling the condom off. He sat up a little, mystified, and he watched as Ronan rolled over to toss it away in the trash. The simple act felt so domestic, and already he wanted to stay in Ireland forever. In this bed forever.

"Fuck," Adam said, feeling his pulse and registering his heart was still racing from the adrenaline still coursing through him.

"Yeah," Ronan said in a grunt of an agreement. "Why weren't we doing this the whole time?"

"Don't fucking start," said Adam, allowing himself the pleasure of being amused, as if they were distant enough from the fact it took them a whole year to get here. He smiled looking over at Ronan, and Ronan was already smiling back at him. "I was waiting for you to make me dinner, obviously."

"Ah," and Ronan was rolling over to him, touching his face with the tip of his nose, licking his lips. "Do I have to cook for you again for round two?"

"Patience, Lynch," Adam started to say, and Ronan rolled his eyes.

"Is a virtue," he recited back to him. "Fuck patience. I'm not sleeping tonight and neither are you."

Adam grinned. He most certainly was not. Not when being awake was this wonderful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so.... yeah....  
> it feels like two chapters, i know, but honestly i was too impatient to split them and post them separately so here you go. enjoy. there are still two chapters left. what will happen next??  
> thanks for reading! :) i appreciate all of you and i love all the comments and messages i've received. they're the highlight of all this for me. seriously. you all are the best.  
> i want to thank both rachel and saachi for reading the first half of this chapter and giving me suggestions and insight. thank you so much!!!  
> again, you can find me on tumblr [here](http://cabeswatergreywaren.tumblr.com) xx


	7. The Journey of Adam Parrish, Pt. II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next afternoon they were walking the property with Opal in tow. Earlier in the day they lay in the fields on a blanket and stared up at the clouds, as the sky was clearing and the sun had finally come out. It was warmer today but not by much, the sea breezes still forcing Adam into a jacket.
> 
> He and Ronan were walking behind Opal as she kicked and slapped at the tall grass. They were holding hands as they trailed behind, feeling very picturesque. Months ago he would've thought this impossible. But now he instead leaned into Ronan's side, feeling him brush the hair back from his forehead to kiss it. He shut his eyes to the feeling of his breath fanning his face, with the sounds of wind and grass and Opal's cheery giggles as background.

Adam never felt more like himself than waking up in bed next to Ronan. For the first time since they had shared beds Ronan was sound asleep beside him, curled into his side, face pressed against the pillow and arm draped across his bare waist. Sunlight was trickling in from outside, streaming down across him, illuminating the particles of dust in the air and giving this morning a faint glow. It was transfixing. The Lynch farm felt like an ethereal place, if only because it took so long and so much to get here. Now here he was and he very much didn't want to leave.

Against him he felt Ronan's muscles constrict, awakened by something, perhaps by Adam himself. He made a tiny noise that etched into Adam's brain forever, leg coming up to wrap around his knees. He inclined his whole frame, stretching, almost as if he forgot he was there.

"You're like a boa constrictor in the morning," Adam noted aloud, leaning into Ronan to snatch his lips before he managed to open his eyes. The Irishman hummed against the kiss, a hand coming to slip into his hair, tugging just a little to wake Adam's every nerve.

"I'm fucking sore thanks to you," Ronan murmured into his mouth, but made no sign of protest when Adam's hand came to touch at his lower back.

"What time does Opal wake up?" he asked. His lips moved steadily down from Ronan's toward his collarbone, eager to make up for the months they couldn't do this. He received an equally eager response from Ronan, hands clutching tighter at his hair and his waist as he inclined toward him, head tilting back.

"I-- fuck. She's already awake I'm sure. Matthew-- oh my god." Adam's mouth had wandered further down his frame, catching at his navel on his way. His tongue ran across it and he grinned when Ronan shivered. "He's probably with her. She won't-- sweet Jesus Mary and Joseph."

Adam looked up at Ronan, the man visibly wrecked and aching for him.

"I could get used to this," Ronan muttered before Adam took him in his mouth.

When it was over they took their time to get dressed, Adam excited at the notion this was the first of many, many mornings they would spend this way. Every morning from now on if he could help it. He kissed him as he threw on some borrowed sweats, and Ronan kissed him back as he "helped" dress him. It took much longer than it should to put on three items of clothes each.

On the descent downstairs Adam could smell something delicious being cooked in the kitchen, the smell of which travelled well and far.

"What's that?" He turned to Ronan who was in step with him and had his hands all over his body. They were acting like horny teenagers who never had sex before. His face went hot when he saw the look in Ronan's eye, starving for him.

"What's what?"

"The smell," said Adam.

Ronan shrugged. "I don't smell anything. Let's go back to bed."

Adam looked at him with dismay. "We need to eat. Plus how long can Matthew watch Opal before he has to start work?"

"Well, he works here, so all day if I feel like it."

"That's so cruel."

"She's a five year old, not a demon," said Ronan. "He's done it before."

"Yes, but you weren't here. You're here now."

"I'm still upstairs mentally."

Adam rolled his eyes, but couldn't hide the grin forming on his face. "You're such a romantic."

Ronan smiled back, so wide Adam wondered how he got so lucky to see that smile whenever he wanted now. Before he could say anything else Ronan's lips were on his, tongue venturing inside his mouth and stirring sounds he didn't think appropriate so close to the kitchen. A hand came and tugged at the front of his sweats, and he could feel himself being guided back upstairs toward the bedroom.

" _Dad!!! Breakfast!!!! Wake up!!!!!_ " was screamed and echoed throughout the house. Adam jerked backward; it was shouted shockingly close to them. In the surprise he accidentally bit down on Ronan's lip and cut it. Ronan winced and quickly put a hand to where it started to bleed.

"Oh, fuck," Adam whispered. "I'm so sorry."

"It's fine," Ronan said, struggling to not move his lip as much as he could, so it came out more like "iz fun."

"Do you want me to kiss it to make it better?" Adam joked, when it was precisely the kissing that did this.

Still, Ronan took to this suggestion eagerly and inclined forward again. "I know of other ways you can make up for--"

" _Dad!!!!!_ "

"Opal, go knock on his door if you're so eager to rouse him," Adam heard Matthew reply. "Wait, on second thought--"

"Another time," Ronan murmured, before they both could hear Opal stampeding through the house, and then appearing from round the corner down the hall. She stopped short when she spotted them both on the staircase, her face lighting up as if she walked in on Santa Claus or the tooth fairy.

" _Adam!_ " she screamed. " _You're still here!_ "

Adam nodded before being grabbed at eagerly by her small five-year-old hands. She clutched at his shirt and he realized she was asking to be picked up.

" _And a good morning to you, too, Opal._ "

She was still so light when he bent down and grabbed her, and when he stood straight again her legs wrapped at his waist. He gave a glance sideways to Ronan who was still tending to his mouth but had a look of pure delight at the look of them. With his nose he nuzzled into Adam's cheek, making an effort not to let his lip touch him.

" _Adam, Matt and I made you and Daddy waffles. You better like 'em._ "

Adam smiled at her as she poked at his cheek.

" _What happens if I don't?_ "

Opal thought long and hard on that for a moment, stumped by the question. It gave Ronan enough time to peel from them both to go toward the kitchen at his own, much faster pace.

" _I'll make you clean cow poo!_ " Opal laughed as she said it, snickered being the more appropriate word.

The waffles were delicious, especially when considered that a five year old helped make them. Adam was expecting something a little hard to chew after he had some of Opal's "tea." This felt more Matthew's meal than hers, however.

Not five bites into breakfast and Opal was already eager to go outside and jump around in the puddles of mud and other leftovers of the rainstorm. She had so much energy, watching her exhausted him. He couldn't remember ever having that much energy his whole life.

While he stared, she was going back and forth between Matthew and Ronan, tugging on their arms as they were chatting to one another about work, trying to drag them out of their chairs to go outside.

" _Opal, patience._ "

Adam snorted at that, reminded of the several times he had to tell Ronan how patience was important. Ronan clearly understood the humor and gave him a glare without any heat behind it, a smile tugging at the edge of his cut lip.

" _Opal, finish your food, then you can go outside. Okay? Everything on your plate._ "

" _But Dad!_ "

All Ronan had to do was raise his eyebrows at her with a suggestion of something more to be said and Opal pouted, stomped her feet on the ground a few times, then climbed back into her chair to eat the rest of her food. She glared at Ronan the entire time, which Adam found impossibly endearing.

"Kiddo, sit normal, yeah? Not on your knees."

Matthew laughed a little to himself.

"What?"

"Sometimes it's still strange to me to hear you be so fatherly to her when you used to do so much worse growing up."

Ronan scoffed. "Did not."

Matthew leaned into Opal who was watching all this with eager ears, avoiding eating.

"I'll tell you some stories about your dad when you're older," he said. "You, too, Adam," he added, glancing over at him from across the table.

Ronan set down his fork. "You will not!" He was quick to pinch the bridge of his nose. There was something to be said about the way he looked when he was visibly caving in to his daughter's incessant demands. Adam smiled as he watched Ronan gesture to her with his other hand. " _Opal, you can go outside if you want._ "

" _Yay!_ " Opal squealed, jumping out of her chair and dumping her fork on her plate. " _Come on, Adam._ "

All three adults looked equally surprised and yet not really at him being the target of Opal's attention. Before anyone could say anything she was quick to grab his hand, and Adam was so easily swayed into following after her.

" _Let me get my jacket first,_ " he said, but Opal was a spritely thing, fast and tiny, and he barely had a moment to stand before she was dragging him outside. He stole a glance backward at Ronan who was already rising after them, before the door shut behind him and Opal and they were both out in the freezing cold morning.

"Shit," he cursed under his breath. He then looked over at Opal who was staring back up at him. " _You didn't hear that._ "

Opal pantomimed locking her lips together and throwing away the key. Clever little kid. There was an exchange of smiles before he shivered, able to see his breath in the cold. She was wearing her jacket before she stepped outside, so she was fine. Adam was only in sweats and a tee, nothing fit for this weather. Opal didn't appear to register that, tugging at his hand toward the edge of the back steps.

" _I want to go look for puddles,_ " she said, her voice creaking with delight.

" _It's freezing out here,_ " Adam said, barely a full sentence with all his teeth chatter and shivers. " _Why don't we have fun inside, where it's warmer?_ "

" _It's more fun outside!_ " Opal exclaimed, and she barreled forward like a rocket through the weathered morning, in search of puddles and likely mud.

For a moment Adam glanced back toward the house, warm and inviting and full of Ronan, and then forward again at the little spritely thing who was already boot deep in a puddle near the barn. He glanced down at the foot of the door to see someone else's rain boots, Ronan's he suspected by the size, and he was quick to dip his feet in them before clumsily going after Opal. It was freezing each step he took, hands pulling in to hide inside his shirt against his skin still hot from the memory of Ronan's hands. Opal was shouting at him words muddled by her giggles, and he was halfway to her when he paused again to watch.

This little girl was as bright as sunlight in an overcast morning, where the air was so cold he could see his breath like a fog before his face. It was hitting him hard watching her alone like this that Adam was going to have more days like this with her, more moments alone. He wasn't just planning a life with Ronan he was planning a life with her. He was ready to jump head first into this life, even if the reality of everything about to change hadn't quite hit him yet. It still felt like a dream, like he was going to wake up any moment and be back in New York still reeling from Ronan's confession and thinking of how to respond.

As Opal came squeaking back toward him like a grounded wild bird, Adam pinched himself to make sure this was real. His arms pulled out of his shirt to receive her with a grin that hurt his cheeks when the pinch did nothing but leave a sting on his chest. He was here, really here. Just had to make sure.

" _Come play, Adam,_ " she pleaded, pulling on Adam's hand to try to guide him further into the cold. He was starting to feel like he was turning blue. New York and Virginia cold were not like this. Then again, he was always dressed for it.

Being alone with Opal like this felt strange. He worried something would happen and he wouldn't know what to do. What was the protocol here, as the day old boyfriend of her father? What was he allowed to do? To say? The load of questions that plagued his mind overwhelmed him, and he started to head back toward the house with his eyes still forward on her.

" _I'll play soon_ ," he said. " _I should go grab a jacket--_ "

He felt a hand at the small of his back, soon followed by lips pressing to the base of his neck.

"Here," he felt mumbled against his skin. A jacket was gently pressed into his side as Opal made a strange sound again.

" _Dad, go away!_ " she said. " _I want to be alone with Adam. Don't steal him._ "

Ronan snorted as Adam pulled the jacket on fast so he could lean back into Ronan's touch. His arms came up to wrap around Adam's torso, tugging him a little closer.

" _You stole him first,_ " Ronan replied.

Having him here eased the worries in his head, and once again he wasn't thinking of anything else except the way Ronan felt pressed against him.

Opal came scrambling back toward them, huffing and stomping as she did. Adam wondered what Ronan was like as a child, probably just as unruly but also just as cute. Not much different than he was now.

" _Have you ever been on a horse?_ " Opal asked, digging her rain boots into the mud.

Adam shook his head. " _No, never._ "

Opal gasped dramatically, eyes going wide. " _What's wrong with you!_ "

" _Opal_ ," said Ronan sternly.

" _Let's go riding!_ "

The thought of doing that made Adam's stomach clench. He already did his wild activity for the year, which he would have to do again to get back home eventually. Horses were more unpredictable than machines.

Thankfully, Ronan could sense Adam's lack of enthusiasm and he shook his head down at his daughter, trying to talk firmly but gently.

" _Not today, Opal_ ," he said.

" _Another time,_ " came out of Adam's mouth before he had the chance to get the words. It ate at him he made a semi promise to her for something he never wanted to do.

" _Today_." She was stubborn. Familiarly so.

" _Opal_ ," said Ronan. His voice became a little less gentle.

Opal kicked the dirt and got some on Adam's boots. As a result Ronan said something to Opal in Gaelic he couldn't understand, his understanding of the language decent but still vastly in need of improvement. Whatever he said, Opal's frown deepened on her face but she didn't kick anymore, instead resorted to crossing her arms over her chest with her eyes focused on the ground.

" _You suck_ ," she said.

" ** _Opal_** , _that's enough_ ," said Ronan. " _What's gotten into you this morning?_ "

" _When is he leaving?_ "

It hit Adam like a bullet. Opal was a smart kid. She knew this wasn't forever, even if the pair of them were pretending it was. Adam could feel Ronan physically respond to the reminder he didn't belong here. Not really. Not yet, if ever. He belonged in New York, even though he also belonged in Ronan's arms. The two were equal in importance and yet one was starting to overbalance the other ever so slightly. Even if the balance were to ever truly tip, he still had to go home eventually.

Behind him, with his arms still around Adam tight, Ronan was clearly unwilling to respond verbally to the question. But that wasn't helping Opal at all, who looked on the verge of crying or yelling or kicking something, or perhaps a combination of all three.

He felt he had to do something or else Opal was going to remain confused and upset, and Ronan was going to be sad and so was he.

" _Why do you ask that, Opal?_ " he asked.

" _You **are** leaving, aren't you?_ " Opal pouted. " _Uncle Matt said you were_."

"Matthew," Ronan grunted. Adam held his hands at his waist in case he thought to bolt and have a conversation with his brother inside.

" _Is that why you brought me out here, Opal?_ " said Adam. " _Because I'm not staying?_ "

" _Maybe_." She continued to dig her boot into the dirt, her hands still crossed at her front. Her eyes were focused downward as she mumbled, " _Is it something Daddy did?_ "

" _It's not like that_ ," Adam replied, while Ronan merely snorted. He released himself from Ronan's grip to bend down and be closer to Opal. Gently he took one of her hands in his, so tiny and soft and shockingly warm. She didn't squirm, but she didn't look at him either. " _I just live far away, and I can only stay here for so long_ ," he said. " _But I'll stay as long as I can, okay? And I'll be back. You haven't seen the last of me yet_."

Opal finally looked up at him, less upset than before. Her eyes were bright with the thought of his return. " _You promise?_ "

" _I promise_ ," said Adam. " _Pinky promise._ "

He lifted his pinky in the air for her to catch, and she hooked hers around his without pause.

" _You're cold,_ " she said.

" _I am_ ," he replied, breathing a small laugh with relief. " _It's cold outside_."

" _Don't go_ ," she whispered, squeezing his pinky as hard as a five year old could muster.

"Opal."

Adam waved Ronan off, who was still standing - hovering - above them. Opal didn't say anything else. She glanced between the two men, unsure where her eyes should rest.

" _Hey_." Adam grabbed both her hands and squeezed them gently, focusing her attention back on him. " _I think I saw a really big puddle back by the house. What do you say we go check it out?_ "

Her eyes went wide with delight.

" _Race you to it?_ " And Opal then bound forward like the little rocket she was. " _Last one is a skunk butt_ ," she exclaimed.

Adam stood up and looked at Ronan, Ronan already looking at him. His eyes were hooded, a little sad. He reached for Ronan to say something, unsure what would be profound enough to make him smile again, but Ronan pulled away last second.

"You heard her," he said. "Last one is a skunk butt."

His smile was back, albeit not as bright, and before Adam could completely process the shift Ronan ran after his daughter back toward the house and the puddles.

"Oh, no you don't!" Adam found himself laughing as he chased after him.

 

\-----------------------------

 

It was mid morning when they finished playing outside in the cold. Adam's skin was tingling when they went back inside the house, his skin pink and raw. Ronan pecked at his ear and the heat of his breath was sharp against it.

Matthew took Opal out of the house for the day, to go on errand runs with him he said. Really, Adam knew why they left. Their first full day together as a couple, it was expected they wanted to do things Opal didn't need to know about.

After they said goodbye, Ronan took a look at himself in the mirror by the front door. He touched at his cut lip tenderly, staring at it.

"Am I still beautiful?" he jested. "Can you even understand me? Is it swollen?"

"Baby," Adam said to him.

Ronan grimaced. "Did you just call me baby?"

"I called you _a_ baby," said Adam. "Your lip does not look that bad. You're being dramatic."

"Hmph." Ronan stuck out his bottom lip in a pout, enticing Adam to incline his face and catch it between his teeth very delicately, careful not to touch the wound. After a few seconds Ronan didn't appear to care about the injury anymore, grabbing at the back of Adam's head and tugging him closer to further deepen the kiss.

"Our lips are going to fall off soon at this rate," Adam noted during a break to breathe between kisses. Ronan didn't reply back, simply tilted his head a little more to the right and surprised Adam with the things his tongue could do even with a split lip hindering half his mouth inactive.

"Then I'll get new lips," Ronan countered against him, hands coming up to reach inside Adam's shirt.

Quick they made their way upstairs, kissing and touching and almost slipping down a couple times. Adam felt the lines of Ronan's waist; Ronan felt the curve of Adam's back. They were moving their way toward the bedroom when something else caught Adam's eye down the hall. Another room with its door left ajar. To Ronan's dismay, he paused the kissing, Ronan making a sound of disapproval to show his disdain. Adam ignored him, and slipped out from his grasp to move toward the room.

"What's in here?" he asked. He never got a proper tour of the place, big as it was, and he could see through the partially open door drawings on the wall which had him curious.

"Not the bed, that's for sure," Ronan grunted. His hands felt around at Adam's waist again, slipping into the waistband of his briefs. "Come on."

"Mm, patience-"

"Oh, if you go on about patience one more time-"

Adam smirked at him. "What?"

Ronan paused a moment. Looked at him square in the eye. At first Adam mistook the look for that hunger he felt inside, too, but then he realized it was something else. At once, he soured a little from concern.

"What?" he repeated, but in a different temperament.

"Nothing." Ronan's hands came up to cup Adam's cheeks. "Just, for a second I was in disbelief again this is real now." He took a breath, and then added, "Solidified."

"Oh." Adam grinned wide, to a point it hurt his cheeks.

Ronan started for a kiss again, but Adam wasn't going to be put off from this room. He turned back toward it with an eagerness unmatched.

"If you think that's going to distract me enough from this mystery room, you're mistaken, Lynch," he called out behind him.

He could feel Ronan rolling his eyes at his backside as he opened the door.

Inside was a tiny office with two desks, one set up with a computer and paperwork for the brewery most likely. He suspected this was where Ronan spent most of his nights. But on the second desk were art supplies and sketches, the desk slanted for drawing.

"What's this?" Curious, he moved further into the room and Ronan let him. He touched delicately at some of the designs on the desk.

Ronan ducked his head when he looked back at him, not answering. He appeared to be shy about this, like a new layer of him was being revealed to Adam.

"I didn't know you could draw," he said. He remembered last night seeing some drawings in his bedroom, but these were more intricate, thought out. Beautiful.

Ronan shrugged. "Just a hobby."

Adam didn't push on that, even though this was clearly something Ronan spent a good amount of time on and he was good at it; more than good. Instead he studied the other half of the papers now, designs of buildings and floor plans.

"And these?"

Ronan's hand came and rested on his on the papers, stilling it momentarily. He pressed his head to Adam's shoulder, an excuse to touch.

"Plans for a bigger brewery, but there's not enough space on the island for one and I can't expand my farm anymore than I have already without it basically only being the brewery." He shrugged against Adam's shoulder, nonchalant as he talked of his livelihood like this. Adam circled his fingers around several of Ronan's, and tilted his head so Ronan got the message to nuzzle against it.

"There's always other places," Adam suggested.

"I like it here though," said Ronan.

"Do you have to live next door to the brewery or something?"

"No," and Ronan sighed against his cheek, "but I like knowing if there's any problem I can be right there to solve it."

Adam could feel the reality of their relationship coming upon him again and he didn't want to face it just yet. Always a logical man, he didn't want to think logically with this. Instead, he only wanted to think with his heart. If he always thought logically, he wouldn't have come here on a whim as he had, wouldn't be as happy as he felt. For a little longer he would put off the reality that if one of them didn't move this wasn't going to work out for very long.

So instead, he continued to stand there staring down at Ronan's work, looking through some of his drawings now with his free hand. In the pile of half finished works there were ones of Opal, ones of the animals from his farm and the landscapes of Inishmaan. There were even ones of New York, of taxicabs and city streets and- Him. Of Adam. Memories of their nights together, fragments of what led them to here.

Adam said nothing. There was nothing to say except the things he's already said and the things he's already feeling. He looked at Ronan, his ice blue eyes saying everything back at him, and once again Adam allowed himself to be swept up in them. At once he was on him again, kissing him and pulling at him like he was drowning and Ronan was his lifeboat. Ronan responded with as much energy, gripping him at the underside of his thighs to once again lift him in the air. Adam's legs wound around Ronan's waist as before, as he was guided back toward their initial destination. He was so far gone for Ronan it was impossible to ever go back to the life he had before him, not that he wanted to. This one was so much better.

 

\------------------------------------------

 

They didn't leave the bedroom for hours, going again and again as if there was a need to make up for all the times they couldn't do this. They were breathless and aching and starving when finally Adam spoke up about taking a break. Ronan very much needed it, too, but he acted disappointed at the suggestion.

"We don't need a break," he said, hardly able to get the words out he was panting so hard.

"I don't think it's physically possible to go another round right now," Adam gasped. Ronan's hands were unperturbed by all this talk, feeling around to stir Adam into agreeing with him. "I'm starving, anyway, aren't you?"

Ronan's hand paused at that, and Adam's lips quirked.

"We should eat. Drink water, too. My mouth is dry."

There were lips suddenly on his, and Adam couldn't help but laugh.

"Your mouth is fine," Ronan said as he tried to kiss him.

"You're a menace," Adam laughed. "Stop. Let's go downstairs and eat."

"Mm, I'm not going anywhere," Ronan countered, peeling off him to lay beside him on his back. The sheets sat loosely at his hips, pointedly teasing Adam. "Bring the food back up here."

"Don't be a lazy ass."

"My ass is _not_ lazy."

Adam was unimpressed with the terrible joke. He gave Ronan a withering look until Ronan rolled his eyes and rolled onto his side, the sheet slipping down between his legs. Adam's eyes fell to follow the movement.

"The quicker you get back up here the sooner we can have sex again."

"That's-" Adam pinched the bridge of his nose. "That's annoyingly a good argument."

The both of them laughed at the absurdity of the conversation, Ronan's laugh throaty, sending warm sensations to Adam's stomach. He stole a kiss before he left.

 

Hours after, when the sun began to set, they were simply lying in bed together, quiet and happy. Adam was on his stomach, looking up at Ronan who sat next to him, soft in his touches and his looks. In their silence, he ran a hand up and down Adam's back, making an invisible map of every freckle with the tip of his finger. They had been like this an hour now, in the afterglow of everything, taking advantage of getting moments like this. There was no rush, no desperation, and no worry of not getting to do this again. Time was finally on their side.

Then Ronan said, "How long are you staying, realistically?" His voice was small, like he didn't want to ask it at all.

"Are we really doing this right now?" Ronan continued to touch at the freckles on his back, finger staying on his skin as it slid through the space between them.

"I thought you would want to talk about it," said Ronan. Normally Adam would, and he knew normally Ronan wouldn't, but somehow they switched places and Adam wanted to fantasize a little longer. He never really got to. "There's no better time to talk than right now."

"Can we pretend for one more day I don't have to go?"

When Ronan said nothing, Adam was forced to look up at him. Ronan was chewing on his lip, as if to ponder the thought, but Adam could already see he made up his mind a long time ago to face the reality of it. So Adam sighed, frowning as he felt Ronan's hand still roaming on his back.

"A week, I think," he said. "I wish I could stay longer, but I can't avoid it forever."

"It?"

"The real world."

"And where do I live? Narnia?"

"You know what I mean," Adam grumbled. He pressed his cheek against the sheets again, closing his eyes to the sadness filling every inch of Ronan's face. "I have work, bills, my life back in New York. While yours is here. That hasn't changed just because we've committed to this."

"Ah."

Adam rolled over to look properly at Ronan, whose hand only paused on his skin because of the movement. He didn't make eye contact when Adam searched for it, so he took his hand in his. His fingers pressed into the center of Ronan's palm, stroking along the lines that stretched across it. He didn't want him to be sad. This was supposed to be when they rejoiced. There was no need for this.

"And I think you would get bored of me anyway so--"

Ronan was swift to kiss him to shut him up, to his delight. As the kissing deepened, he wrapped his arms around Ronan at his neck, smiling when he was tilted so their fronts were flush against each other, naked and all.

"I can come visit you," said Ronan, hot on Adam's neck. Adam moaned when he felt his hands on his inner thighs, kneading his knuckles into the sensitive skin.

"When?" He wanted to be witty right now but couldn't think of how. Mind fogged over with want and touch.

"Two weeks?"

Adam paused him. When he did, Ronan stared down at him, confused. "Are you serious or?"

"I'm very serious, yeah," said Ronan. "I could bring Opal."

Adam grinned. "I would love to see Opal."

Ronan scoffed. "Not me?"

"You, I see all the time."

"Well damn. Can't believe you like my daughter more than me."

"It wasn't hard."

Ronan gaped, and then he laughed, a hand starting to stroke Adam to full hardness

"You dick," he whispered.

 

\-----------------------------

 

The next afternoon they were walking the property with Opal in tow. Earlier in the day they lay in the fields on a blanket and stared up at the clouds, as the sky was clearing and the sun had finally come out. It was warmer today but not by much, the sea breezes still forcing Adam into a jacket.

He and Ronan were walking behind Opal as she kicked and slapped at the tall grass. They were holding hands as they trailed behind, feeling very picturesque. Months ago he would've thought this impossible. But now he instead leaned into Ronan's side, feeling him brush the hair back from his forehead to kiss it. He shut his eyes to the feeling of his breath fanning his face, with the sounds of wind and grass and Opal's cheery giggles as background.

Ronan's phone rang as he swept the hair back into place, and despite Adam's protest he reached for it. When he pulled it out, Adam was curious to see who was calling but he bit back the urge to see.

"Hey. I can't talk right now, but--"

There was yelling, or at least loud talking, on the other end of the line and Ronan flinched. As a result he released Adam's hand to exchange the phone between hands. His eyes darted to Adam's face and then away.

Curious, Adam paused to observe him as he walked, going on ahead a little. He talked back into the phone, too far away for Adam to hear, and then he flinched again. After a long stretch of distance between them he paused as well, looking back at Adam. He wore a sheepish expression, which Adam didn't understand.

"It's for you," he said, calling out loud enough Adam could hear. He outstretched his hand with the phone in it to make a point.

"For me?" Adam pointed at himself.

"Yes, you, Parrish. Come take the phone."

So Adam did, taking it from him hesitantly. Who could be calling him through Ronan's phone like this?

"Hello?" he said, staring curiously at Ronan's blank expression while he talked.

"I haven't heard from you in two days! I was googling about ferry accidents in Ireland thinking you drowned or something."

"Blue?"

He looked to Ronan for answers, but he had none. The Irishman shrugged at him and then turned to catch up with Opal, whose blonde head stuck out against all the green.

As he watched him leave, he realized he didn't hear anything Blue said to him after he registered it was her.

"Were you really worried?" he asked.

"I was," she said. "I thought maybe he broke your heart again and I would have to come over there and kick his ass."

Adam smiled into the receiver. At once he was reminded of what Ronan told him. "He told me what you did."

"What did I do?"

"What you said to him, about getting off his ass."

"Oh. That. It was nothing." She sounded strange, like she didn't want to talk, and yet she was the one who called him.

"No, it was everything," he replied. "Thank you, Blue. I normally wouldn't appreciate the meddling, but, well....."

"You can thank me in person," she said. There was a beat of silence. In it, he could hear the background sounds of the city, of traffic and the like. Sounds he didn't miss so much while out here. Then Blue spoke up again, drowning them out with her voice.

"I take it you're having a very nice time in Ireland right now."

Adam smiled more, looking over at Ronan with Opal. He had her in his arms, spinning her around in the air. When he stopped, he caught Adam's eye and smiled back, standing straight while Opal went running around in the grass again.

"The time of my life," Adam answered.

"Fuck. Finally," was whispered on the other end of the line. Adam almost missed it, and when he heard it he hesitated. That wasn't Blue talking.

"Are you alone?" he asked.

"Yes."

“I could swear I just heard Henry in the background."

"Which one?" went Cheng.

Adam should've known.

"Oh my god it didn't matter which one! You just blew our cover!" He could hear her slapping at Cheng from here.

"You told them, I'm assuming," Adam noted. He should've been more upset, but he was currently looking at Ronan and nothing could upset him right now.

"I couldn't think of an excuse as to why you weren't home and not at work or answering your cell," Blue reasoned. "I didn't say _why_ you were in Ireland though..." she added, as if that would make this any better.

"Are you two finally together?" said Gansey.

He wasn't surprised to hear him on the other end, too.

"None of your business!" Blue screeched. "Go away!"

"He's our friend too," said Cheng.

"Shoo! All of you!"

Adam almost laughed. "How many of them are there right now?"

"Uh..."

"All of us," said Noah.

"Are you moving to Ireland? Can I have your sofa?" asked Orla.

"Way to go, Adam! You get that d-" went Cheng.

"Shut _up_! Oh my god!" Blue shouted. "This is _not_ how this phone call was meant to go."

"I'll talk to you guys when I get back," Adam said, struggling not to laugh. Ronan was returning to him, with that look in his eye that meant he wanted to kiss him. "Okay?"

He was half paying attention when Gansey said, "Be safe!" and Blue replied with a groan.

He ended the call just as Ronan approached him, stroking his cheek and giving him a kiss.

"What did they want?" he asked when they broke apart.

"Just to say hi."

"Why don't I believe you?"

Adam was beaming as Ronan kissed him again.

 

\-----------------------------

 

That night, after Opal was put to bed by both of them reading her two different books because she "couldn't decide", Adam and Ronan were watching a horror film on the sofa together. They were curled up together, Adam between Ronan's legs and in his arms, back pressed against his chest. He could feel his heart race whenever there was a scary part, and his breath on his ear as he kissed right above it at the hairline. Adam never felt so at peace, even if the movie choice was terrible.

"My mother's coming back in two days for a little while," Ronan said against his neck.

"I can't tell by your tone if I should be afraid or excited," Adam quipped.

Ronan squeezed him. "Excited, asshole."

Adam smiled a little as Ronan bent awkwardly to kiss him. For a moment that's all they did, kiss. While it was an uncomfortable position and his neck hurt, it was easy to let himself go in these moments, forget everything else around them but this.

When there was a scream on screen Adam was let go so Ronan could see what happened. It was almost too amusing and absurd a thing Adam barely took offense to it.

"Do you want me to meet her?" he asked him when the screaming died down again.

"No, I was planning on you hiding out in my closet the entire time she was here." Ronan came and kissed at his neck and Adam frowned at his joke. "Of course I fucking want you to meet her. I mean, if you want to."

Adam shrugged. "That closet suggestion sounds pretty good."

He looked back just in time to see Ronan giving him an unamused look. He smirked, leaning back into him. Ronan's hands came to slip inside his hoodie's pocket, where his hands already were.

"I've never... met the parents before," he admitted. This was new territory, unfamiliar. He struggled with the instant flash of anxiety that hit him like a wave in a stormy sea.

"I've never introduced anyone to her before," said Ronan. "But I want to, with you."

Adam's stomach was slightly settled. Slightly. The fact Ronan was willing to introduce him to all the people in his life he was once afraid to made him feel better. Loved. Honored.

"What if she doesn't like me?" he asked anyway.

Ronan sighed. "Then I guess it'll be over between us," he said, joking.

"Makes sense." Adam nodded along to the joke.

Ronan nuzzles into his cheek, snickering. "Dick."

"Shh." Adam tried not to break into another smile. "I'm trying to watch a movie here."

"Oh, forgive me." Ronan kept snickering, even as he started biting at Adam's neck. It didn't take long for him to tilt into the touch, gesturing silently for more.

"Do you think she'll like me?" Adam whispered.

"Everyone likes you, Adam," Ronan said against the side of his neck. "You're hard not to like. Enough about my mother. Come here."

He tilted Adam so he could kiss his lips. The movie was soon forgotten, as were Adam's worries.

 

\----------------------------------

 

On the afternoon of Aurora Lynch’s arrival, they were waiting for her at the same ferry drop off Adam arrived at just a few days earlier. So much changed for him in such a short period of time.

While they were waiting for her, Opal was wriggling in Matthew’s arms, as was Adam in Ronan’s, for two very different reasons. Adam was admittedly nervous, but Opal was elated. He hadn’t seen her this energized before, as the boat came into view.

“Guess I’m not the favorite anymore,” he said casually, joking as a mechanism to hide his own jitters. Ronan tried to calm him with small kisses at his nape, but they only made him antsier.

“ _Nana buys me gifts_ ,” Opal responded. Adam’s nerves settled a little as he laughed.

When the boat docked, people began to file out. Opal started to get more impatient watching them, and so did Adam. Every woman of her age range he thought could be her, and they never were. He wasn’t sure about what to expect from her. He heard all these stories from Ronan and Matthew about her, and he wondered how much of them were true, and how much was embellished. They were lucky either way, to have stories like theirs at all.

And then Opal broke free from Matthew’s grip, and rushed forward into the sea of people. Adam’s gaze followed her to an older woman with wild and long blonde hair, wearing solid, vibrant colors that set her apart from the rest of the crowd.

She swooped Opal up into her arms, kissing her on her cheeks as she carried her forward to the three of them. She looked like Ronan in her piercing eyes and soft smile. When she neared, she released Opal onto the ground so she could then embrace Matthew next, kissing his cheeks as he hugged her. With her arms wrapped around him, she gestured for Ronan to join, who was all too eager to greet her, too. The four Lynch’s formed a mass as they all together embraced as one.

Adam sunk back, giving them space. Ronan mentioned last night he hadn’t seen her in months, and he didn’t want to come between that. This was a family reuniting. They looked happy, connected, loved.

As he stood on the sideline watching, he took note of Ronan peeling back enough to look around them, searching for something. He looked behind to see Adam standing away, and he soured in his expression.

Wordlessly he came over to Adam and took his hands, linking fingers and connecting with his gaze. In his eyes, Adam felt safe, nerves undone, worries eased. The simple fact of a touch and a small smile was all he needed, so much said in these small acts. Through them, Ronan requested him to come forward, let him know he was welcome. Adam looked between him and Aurora still embracing the others, and he succumbed to Ronan’s request, settled by the weight of his stare and the strength of his touch.

Aurora was smiling when the both of them approached together. Adam gripped Ronan’s hand tighter as she moved from Matthew and Opal to greet him.

“Hello,” she said, voice so gentle it sounded almost unreal. “Ronan, introduce us.”

“Oh, shit.” His cheeks faintly reddened, which Adam smirked at, touching the closer one to him. Ronan shot him a glare with no heat behind it. “Mother, this is Adam. Adam, this is my mother, Aurora.”

Adam reached forward with a hand to shake with hers, but Aurora didn’t take it. Instead she pulled him into a hug, strong but gentle. He wasn’t expecting it, and at first flinched from the surprise, until he felt her arms come up behind him at his back.

“So lovely to meet you, Adam,” she said.

“Nice to meet you too, ma’am.”

“Ma’am,” Ronan mouthed at him from where he could see him. Adam wanted to give him the finger but he was in the middle of a very nice hug.

When they broke apart he sunk back a step back into Ronan’s side, who was on the verge of a teasing grin, upon which made it clear he hadn’t heard the last of the mocking of ma’am. He rolled his eyes at him, gently elbowing him when he felt no one was looking.

“Are you joining us for lunch?” Aurora asked, as she scooped Opal up into her arms again.

“ _Mum, she’s five now. She can walk._ ”

Opal stuck her tongue out at Ronan, while Aurora flat out ignored him.

“I… Yes, I’m going.”

“Oh, good.” Aurora smiled. Adam smiled back.

“Is that all the luggage you brought, Mum?” said Matthew. He reached for the rolling suitcase behind her, and she moved to grab it before he could.

“Oh, you don’t have to get it for me-!” But Matthew was swifter, and not holding a five year old in his arms.

“ _Nana, don’t let go_ ,” she said.

“ _See, now she’s going to be begging to be held all day_ ,” Ronan grunted.

“Oh, hush. She’s my only grandchild. I’ll do what I want.”

They started to make their way toward Matthew’s car, Opal still in Aurora’s arms, Matthew pulling her luggage along, and Ronan’s hand effortlessly finding Adam’s as they walked.

“Tell me, Adam, how did you and my son meet?”

Adam turned to him to see him staring back, looking unsure how to respond. It wasn’t that difficult a question. It’s not as if she asked how it was they met then but took a whole year to get here. He leaned into him as he looked back at her.

“Well,” he found himself smiling a little as he thought about their first encounter, “we met at a wedding.”

 

Aurora Lynch was everything and nothing Adam expected her to be. She was soft-spoken but not shy, inquisitive but not invasive, sweet but also willing to point out when Ronan wasn’t. She immediately took to Adam, asking him dozens of questions during the course of their meal, and appeared genuinely invested in each and every thing he said in return.

Intermingled with her questions, she talked about her most recent trip that took her through coastal cities and towns of South America. Adam was as invested in her as she was in him. This was the woman who single handedly raised Ronan, who raised three boys alone, and did so with success by Adam’s judgment. He sat there amongst them and felt like he was a part of this, a part of something.

Eventually Aurora finally learned Adam was from New York and it must have triggered something in her brain. Her eyes drifted from Ronan to Adam and back.

“ _Is that why you were always thinking of excuses to go to New York?_ ” she said.

Ronan flushed deep red and slouched forward. “ _Mum, he can understand you_.”

Her eyes widened. “Oh. Oops.”

Adam nudged him at his side, leaning in to whisper, “Excuses, huh?”

“Shut up.” Ronan’s ears burned red. Adam wanted to kiss them, but they were in public. So he gently nuzzled his nose against Ronan’s cheek, snickering quietly against his chin.

“I’m going to remember this,” he said.

“Ma’am,” Ronan muttered. Adam rolled his eyes, until his lips were caught in a small chaste kiss. “Thanks, y’all,” he said, slurring his words to sound more Southern.

“I do _not_ sound like that,” Adam retorted.

“Maybe not so heavily, but… I like when your accent slips, though.” Ronan moved to whisper into his ear. “I think it’s kind of hot.”

“Really?”

For a moment, Adam completely forgot where they were, and apparently so did Ronan, whose hand was moving under the table to rest at his knee. It wasn’t until he heard someone clear their throat on the other side of the table did he remember they weren’t alone.

He pulled away enough to see Aurora looking back at them, and felt embarrassed as if she were his mother, too. His face went hot as he sat straight, trying not to acknowledge Ronan’s hand, which had not left his thigh.

“Sorry,” he said, leaning forward into the table to avoid seeing Ronan staring at him out of the corner of his eye.

“So if you’re from New York, that means you’re just visiting?” asked Aurora.

Adam nodded. “Just visiting, yeah,” he said.

“How long are you here for?”

Adam almost forgot again, that this wasn’t permanent. His shoulders fell a little at the reminder, and he could feel Ronan’s hand move from his leg back to his side of the booth.

It wasn’t hard for Aurora to realize the question made them uncomfortable, as an awkward silence befell the table. Adam could see the same look mirrored on Ronan’s face that he knew he wore.

“ _Opal, how’s your sandwich?_ ” Aurora said quickly to change subjects.

“ _‘S good_ ,” she said, mouth full.

“ _Sweetie, don’t talk with a full mouth_.”

“ _But you just asked- Daddy._ ”

Ronan cupped a hand over his mouth to hide a smile forming. “ _Mm, what, Gremlin?_ ” he said.

Adam sat back and watched their interactions like he had before at the ferry, not minding being an observer to all of this. He enjoyed watching Ronan simply be a parent, and it was fascinating seeing Aurora be one to him on top of that. It was revealing a lot of things about him, but most of all just another reminder of why he fell so easily and so deeply in love with him.

After some time Ronan noticed Adam watching him, and his cheeks went a little pinker. “What?” he said, playing off his blush with a tiny laugh. “Got something on my face?”

“No.” Adam reached and swept a curl back from his face. “You’re fine.”

Ronan reached for his hand and pulled it to his mouth, kissing the back of it and then the palm. Adam forgot again there were others around.

“ _I want to go horseback riding_ ,” Opal proclaimed.

Those words sent Adam’s stomach into knots. Shit.

“ _That sounds like a great idea,_ ” Aurora agreed.

Double shit.

 

\-----------------------------------------

 

And that’s how Adam got on his first horse. With Ronan, there were certainly a lot of firsts in his life. Adam never expected this to be one of them. The following day Aurora, Opal, Ronan and Adam went to the mainland where Ronan usually took Opal to ride; while Matthew stayed behind to work. He said he wasn’t a fan of horseback riding, and Adam wished he could have used that excuse, too.

When Adam confided in Ronan that he never rode a horse before Ronan laughed, thinking he was joking. They were already at the stables, Adam unsure why he waited to say anything until now, but when Aurora and Opal went to the restroom he grabbed Ronan and told him. When he didn’t laugh with him, Ronan laughed more.

“Don’t they have horses in Virginia?” he said, teasing.

“They do,” Adam agreed. “But I didn’t ride any.”

“You’re not as much of a country boy as I thought.” Ronan thought he was funny.

Unamused, Adam rolled his eyes. “Is this a deal breaker?” he said. “Horseback riding?”

“Yeah.” Ronan sighed, like he was disappointed. “Sorry to say.”

At that, Adam gently shoved at his shoulder. His hand was caught before he could pull it back, and he was yanked forward so Ronan could snatch a kiss. He was swift to turn his head before he could, forcing Ronan to kiss his cheek instead.

“You don’t have to ride with us if you don’t want to,” he said to Adam.

That suggestion didn’t sit right with him either. “And sit here waiting until you get back?” He shook his head.

Ronan shrugged. “If you’re chicken.”

“Don’t call me chicken,” Adam said, frowning.

That stirred something in Ronan, whose lips turned up into an impish grin, and his brow tilted suggestively.

“Chicken.”

Adam felt a fire pit in his stomach. That was the deciding factor in his decision to ride a horse.

It was terrifying at first, as is most new things, especially ones that lift you off the ground and force you to run risk with head or neck injuries. He shifted in the saddle uncomfortably, trying to find the right balance and not slip off into the dirt. He held on for dear life as best he could, afraid of sliding off. Because of this, he lagged behind the others, learning quickly Opal was really good at riding horseback and that she liked to make her horse gallop.

Adam could barely get his to go faster than a slow walk.

After a while of riding the Irish countryside, both Opal and Aurora went on ahead of him and Ronan, going so far down the plains Adam lost sight of them. Ronan rode circles around Adam, quite literally at one point, making him dizzy as he watched him.

“I think I just saw a snail outrun your horse,” Ronan commented.

“Shut up.”

“You can go faster,” he remarked. “I’m not suggesting run, but walk is a step up from this speed.”

Adam shook his head, holding the reins tighter in his grip. I’m fine,” he said.

“If you say so.”

Ronan’s teasing was starting to get on his nerves. Adam was doing his best not to snap at him. “You don’t have to keep back with me,” he said, motioning ahead. “You can go catch up with the others.”

“I'm good here,” Ronan replied. His horse came closer toward Adam’s, whose horse barely acknowledged the motion. Their horses came to stand side-by-side, close enough Adam’s foot bumped with Ronan’s, as Ronan leaned over into him.

“That’s dangerous,” he said, but he didn’t move his horse away. Ronan ignored him and leaned in, managing to kiss him despite all the motion. Despite his better judgment, Adam let it go on a moment longer before he pulled back.

“Don’t die on a horse,” he said promptly. “I don’t want that to be how my trip to Ireland ends.”

“Would make it memorable, no?” Ronan jested.

“Here lies Ronan Lynch,” Adam said, one hand moving to his chest. “Who fell off a horse for a B minus kiss.”

“They’re always As with me,” Ronan retorted. He made a clicking sound with his tongue and teeth, feet nudging at his horse’s sides until it picked up speed. The pair started to gallop ahead of him, kicking up dirt off the green ground. The Irish countryside was picturesque, and Adam took out his phone to take a picture, until he realized Ronan was starting to move ahead without him.

“Wait, you’re leaving too?” he called out.

Ronan half turned on his horse. He could see his daring smirk from here. “See you on the way back!” he shouted.

“Asshole!”

The Irish hills carried Ronan’s laughter on the back of the sea breezes as he galloped away. Soon Adam was completely left alone with Melon, the name of the horse he was riding. While the horse was chill, it wasn’t much for company. He bit down on his lip while watching Ronan’s figure fade, and he took a deep breath before nudging at his horse’s sides to move forward.

“Please go faster,” he asked Melon politely. “Not too much faster.”

The horse didn’t respond, because of course it was a horse. He didn’t think talking would actually work with-

Next he knew the horse was picking up speed, going into a trot and then into a full-blown gallop much like Ronan’s horse. Adam held on for dear life.

It didn’t take long for Adam to catch up to Ronan, whose horse had slowed since he raced off. Without telling it to, Melon slowed a little to keep in step with the other horse. When Ronan noticed his arrival, he clapped his hands at him. Adam couldn’t tell if he was mocking or proud or both.

“Look who finally joined the party,” he said.

Adam was winded from the run; even if he didn’t do anything but make sure he didn’t fall off. He put a hand to his chest to feel his heart racing through his jacket.

“It’s slightly less terrifying than I thought it would be,” he admitted.

“More terrifying than flying?” Ronan asked.

Adam looked at him, thought about it, and then shook his head. “No, after that everything else feels possible.”

The brightness of Ronan’s smile was enough to compete with the sun. “Good to hear,” he said. His grin soon turned mischievous when he saw both Opal and Aurora slowly trudging back in the far distance.

“I know that look.”

Ronan’s eyes refocused on him and he tilted one eyebrow above the other. “Race you back to the stables?” he offered.

Adam’s heart was still racing from before, but Melon looked to be ready for it. She wasn’t panting like he was. It wasn’t that long of a run. He ran his fingers through her mane, bending forward, getting familiar with her now, which was better than never.

“What do we get if we win?” he asked, reaching down to pet at her cheek.

“That’s entirely up to the winner.”

When Adam looked at him, he was biting down on his lower lip, his eyes suggesting a lot. It still felt new and exciting, a week not long enough for this. A chill spiked through him, trailing down his spine. He sat up straight on Melon and grinned.

“You’re on,” he said. He barely had to nudge her with his feet, and Melon lunged forward again into a gallop.

“Hey - I didn’t say start!” he heard from behind him. “That’s cheating!”

Adam was the one now to have his laugh travel on the wind.

Halfway back through the race Adam’s heart was fast not from fear but from the thrill of it all, from the energy that rushed through him as Melon charged forward through the fields. He relished the cool wind, the fresh air, and the open fields of green. Not to mention, the beautiful man racing beside him, watching him as they raced.

It didn't matter who won (Adam), because they were both winners, living what he could only describe as fantasy born reality. For a few days more this was his life before he had to return to the jungle that made up New York City.

 

\--------------------------------------

 

As the days were getting warmer, the nights remained the same cold. In true form to their limited time together, Adam and Ronan were once again making out in bed, Adam’s hands inside Ronan’s shirt, feeling the muscles shift on his back. Ronan was above him, pinning him to the mattress, legs spreading his out to get a better angle on him. His hands were deep inside Adam’s jeans, firmly caressing his ass with both hands.

Adam felt there were too many layers of clothes on right now, but they had only just begun, having said goodnight to Opal not fifteen minutes earlier. Slowly he suggested with his hands for Ronan to take off his sweater, tugging at the collar to imply it should be removed. Eventually Ronan took the hint and moved to peel it off, leaving his shirt on regrettably. Adam eyed the bare skin visible at his waist for a fleeting moment before devouring Ronan’s lips again, feeling his sweatshirt zipper being pulled down and spread apart.

When Ronan’s lips moved to kiss at the newly freed skin at Adam’s neckline, Adam sighed.

“I really like your mom,” he said.

“Are we really going to talk about my mom right now?” Ronan spoke against his collarbone.

Adam ignored his whining. “She’s so loving, and when she talks to me I feel like I’m really being acknowledged and listened to. I didn’t have that growing up. You’re lucky.”

“She’s the best,” Ronan agreed, kissing under Adam’s chin. “I’m very fortunate.” His lips moved to the other side of Adam’s throat. “Et cetera Et cetera.” He kissed the edge of Adam’s lips. “Can we go back to making out now?”

Once again, Adam ignored him. “She’s leaving tomorrow, right?” He touched at his lips, thinking if he should set an alarm or not. “I want to say goodbye to her before she does.”

Ronan paused all acts of intimacy and moved to prop himself up on his elbows, elevated above Adam’s face enough Adam could see him giving him a _what the fuck_ look.

“She’s not leaving well until the afternoon,” he said, pouting at Adam as he gestured with his whole body that this conversation did not need to continue. “You’ll catch her, don’t worry,” he added on anyway. His one hand moved to touch once again underneath Adam’s shirt, moving slowly up from Adam’s navel to his chest, thumbing at the nipple. “Are we done talking about my mother?”

“If you insist…” Adam dramatized his response with a hand to his forehead and eyes shut for but a second. He smirked up at Ronan when he caught his lips twitch as he watched him.

“Good,” Ronan said, bending down into him with his entire frame once more. “Now where were we…?”

Their kisses were harder, more desperate, as the act in which they were leading up to was getting closer to fruition. Hands moved into Adam’s jeans in desperate stride to move this faster. Adam whimpered when Ronan took hold of him with a firm grip. His head filled with fuzzy light. His own hands came to pull at Ronan’s hair as he arched into his hand, pushing for more.

There was a knock at the door, and Ronan’s hand moved back out of Adam’s briefs. Adam sat up quick, grabbing for a pillow to sit on his lap.

“Yeah?” Ronan called out. He didn’t look the least bit surprised when Opal came strolling in, rubbing at her eyes. She was in her pajamas looking as precious and small as ever.

“ _Opal what is it?_ ” Ronan asked.

Adam didn’t know how he could do it; go from one hundred to zero so fast and so fluidly. He didn’t look at all like he had a hand down another man’s pants five seconds ago, while Adam could still recall the feeling, even though the sight of Opal was like five cold showers.

Opal neared the foot of the bed, still touching at her eyes. “ _I don’t want to sleep alone, Daddy_ ,” she whined.

“ _Little gremlin, we’ve been through this_ -”

“ _I want to sleep with Adam_.”

Ronan touched at Adam’s knee. “ _Adam’s sleeping in here with me_.”

“I don’t mind-”

“ _See, he doesn’t mind_.”

She jumped up onto the bed, and Adam soon realized his mistake. They were cut off tonight with Opal in here.

“When she kicks you in your sleep, you have no one to blame but yourself,” Ronan said softly behind her. Opal either didn’t hear him or didn’t care to listen, as she bound into Adam’s side and hugged him, placing her in the middle between the two of them.

Adam stared across her at Ronan, smiling anyway, and Ronan brushed his fingers through her hair.

This is nice, Adam thought, until Ronan’s hand slipped down to cover Opal’s eyes.

“ _Hey!_ ”

“ _This is unsuitable for children_ ,” he said. He leaned over her to give Adam another kiss on the lips, not quite chaste but certainly not a world tilter like the last one.

“Ew,” Opal giggled between them. Adam couldn’t help but laugh into the kiss. He then bent down and kissed Opal on her forehead, nudging Ronan’s hand away. She giggled again, then at once turned on her father and tackled him back against the bed, tickling him.

“ _Tickle monster_!” she exclaimed, climbing on top of him and tickling at his sides.

“ _Oh, great. Adam you invited a tickle monster into our bed_.”

Adam shrugged, amused. He watched Ronan try not to laugh as Opal moved around on her father, tickling wherever she could.

“ _Wow, she’s a powerful tickle monster, too_ ,” he said, playing along.

“ _Don’t encourage her_.”

It was a long while later that they finally managed to get her to sleep, which allowed them momentary peace before they had to fall asleep, themselves. Adam looked at Ronan over Opal’s sleeping frame, Ronan staring back at him.

“I like your family,” Adam whispered.

“They’re alright,” said Ronan, shrugging.

“Now you’re my third favorite Lynch.”

Ronan rolled his eyes. “Thanks for the update,” he said dryly.

Careful not to wake her, Adam slowly reached over Opal to touch at Ronan’s face. He ran a finger down the length of it, stopping at his chin, then moving back up to settle on his lower lip that puckered out when being touched.

“You’ll get back up to first place when you visit me in New York,” he said.

Ronan motioned at Opal. “But she’ll be there, too,” he countered.

“Oh, you’re right.” Adam moved his hand to cup her small cheek. She wrinkled her nose and rolled over so she was facing Ronan instead as she slept. “You’ll be a good second place, then.”

Ronan rolled his eyes at him again. “Asshole,” he whispered.

“You love it,” Adam grinned.

“I do.” He said it as if it begrudged him to admit it. He then leaned over Opal enough to be able to kiss Adam, and kiss is all they did. For a few minutes more, Ronan sucked on his lower lip, and he ran his fingers through the Irishman’s curls. Slow and soft and careful not to wake the tickle monster between them.

Adam didn’t want to leave this so soon. But soon was coming fast.

 

\------------------------------

 

Aurora left the following afternoon to go visit Declan for a couple days before she came back to Inishmaan again, but when she was to come back Adam would have already left. They said goodbye to her again at the ferry drop off, where she embraced them all one last time before she had to go. She hugged Adam last, and as she hugged him told him to come back soon.

“It was such a delight to have met you,” she said. “To see you with my son.”

“It was nice to meet you, too,” he agreed, hugging her tight in return. He didn’t say it aloud, but through her he felt he understood Ronan even more.

“I want to hear more about your job in the states when I see you again,” she said. “Nanotechnology sounds so fascinating.”

“I’ll tell you all the boring details.”

Aurora grinned just like her son. “I can’t wait.”

Adam couldn’t either.

 

That evening Adam trailed behind Ronan as he fed the animals, watching him work with their feed and water troughs. It was no wonder he was as strong as he was, with everything he did on the farm and in the brewery. Watching him work was in itself a workout. It was a good thing Opal was already put to bed, with the things he was thinking as he watched him.

Adam ached for him as he watched him interact with one of the calf, petting its head as it gently nudged into his side through the fence. He began to brush the dirt off its face, the softness of this moment not going unnoticed. While he had the chance, he snuck his phone out from his pocket and took a picture when Ronan wasn’t looking. It was then he realized he didn’t have any photos of him, or of them. Before he left he knew he would have to change that.

“How long will you be staying in New York?” he called out, standing a short distance away to keep himself from jumping him in front of the cows.

Ronan looked up at Adam, and then around them. His hands were still petting the baby cow. “Didn’t realize this was New York,” he said.

“Don’t be an ass to avoid the question.”

Ronan registered his irritation and he stopped petting the cow. He wiped his hands on his shirtfront like the sexy and hygienic farmer that he was, stepping into Adam’s space and pressing his face against the crook of Adam’s neck. There he just rested his face for a while, no kissing or touching. Just soft breathing against Adam’s sensitive skin, hands caught in the space between them. Adam didn’t move. He didn’t want to initiate anything more either. The simple act of touch was enough. Another memory committed to his head for when he was back in the states.

“Why are you sad?” Ronan asked after a while of still silence.

“I don’t want to go,” Adam admitted.

“Then don’t go.”

“But I have to.”

“Then you have to.”

Adam groaned. “Don’t just keep repeating my words back at me,” he sighed.

“I’m - Sorry.” Ronan moved his face from Adam’s neck so they could see each other. “What was the original question?”

“How long will you be staying in New York when you visit?”

“Dunno.” Ronan shrugged. “Few days?”

“Could it be forever?” Adam offered.

“Eager much?” Even as he said it, he was smiling and reaching for Adam’s hands to hold in his. “I’ve gotten far too used to this,” Ronan admitted. “I don’t want to say goodbye to it in a couple days.”

Adam felt a pinch in his chest. “Are we breaking up when I leave?”

“What? No.” Ronan scoffed. “No, fuck that. But an ocean will separate us again. Isn’t that why you’re sad, too?”

“It’s going to suck,” Adam acknowledged. He ran his lips along the length of Ronan’s jaw, strong and sharp. Even a temporary goodbye felt too much, but he had to stay strong, for both their sakes. “But it won’t be like before.”

“I know,” said Ronan. His focus shifted down to look at the ground beneath them. “I know.”

Adam swiped a thumb across his cheek and then kissed it, twice for good measure. He wasn’t sure when it turned into them consoling each other, but it wasn’t all that unexpected. He knew he wasn’t the only one feeling this ache at the thought of his looming departure.

“I love you,” Ronan whispered. His fingers played with the zipper on Adam’s jacket, giving his hands something to do.

Every time Ronan said those three words Adam felt lighter. “I love you, too,” he said. “We’ll make this work. We didn’t each fly halfway across the world and declare our love for each other for it not to.” He said this more to himself than to Ronan, but he knew Ronan needed to hear it too. A reminder that they went through so much to get here it would be ridiculous to let it all fall apart now.

“Yeah.” Ronan nodded, the act of which Adam felt against his face, which was still pressed against Ronan’s cheek. “You’re right. We’re being stupid.”

“We’re not stupid.” Adam pushed ever so gently at Ronan’s shoulder. “We’re tired, that’s all. It’s been a long day.”

Ronan sniffled, an almost unnoticeable sound it was so faint. Adam swept a finger across his cheek again to catch a tear along its edge. He didn’t realize Ronan had been crying, and upon this discovery the Irishman seemed almost embarrassed by the fact. Quick, he buried his face in Adam’s shoulder, hiding the evidence.

“Don’t cry now.” To soothe him, Adam ran his hand in circles at Ronan’s back, kissing ever so small kisses at Ronan’s visible temple. “I’m not leaving yet,” he reminded him. “Hold those tears in for two more days.”

He could feel the vibration of Ronan’s laugh through his entire body, even if he couldn’t hear it smothered against his jacket. “I hate you,” Ronan said, loud enough it could be heard through the muffle of cloth.

“That’s the spirit.” Adam pressed his nose to Ronan’s hair. “Come on. Let’s go to bed.”

 

\--------------------------------------------

 

Adam awoke early the next morning to a familiar sound of someone scrambling to get dressed. When he opened his eyes he could see Ronan had gotten out of bed and was searching for clothes from the pile he made on the floor of his room. He watched him dress in the cold faint glow of the morning, yawning as he pulled the blankets tighter around him.

“This feels familiar,” he noted.

Ronan startled at the sound of his voice. When he turned to look at Adam, he was frowning.

Adam's lips pulled into a small smile. “Too soon?” he teased.

Rather than reply, Ronan resumed getting dressed, looking for a shirt to change into.

“There's an emergency in town related to work,” he said. “Matthew called and said I have to leave right now.”

“Wait.” Adam sat up. “What about Opal?”

“What about her? You're here.” Ronan found a shirt that satisfied him and yanked it over his head. “You can watch her for a while, right?”

Adam narrowed his eyes. “How long is a while?”

It wasn't hard for Ronan to catch his expression, and he looked over at him again.

“Oh my god,” he said, exasperated. “You've been with her this whole week.”

“Yeah, but not alone.”

Ronan only stared at him

“I mean, you and Matthew were always nearby,” Adam clarified.

The concern he felt of doing something wrong must have been written on his face. Instead of making another joke, Ronan returned to the bed and touched a palm to Adam’s cheek, fingers playing at, likely, the freckles on his jawline.

“You'll be fine,” he said. “She's five. She's toilet trained and if she's hungry she makes it known so you can't forget. I'll be back as soon as I can. Promise.”

“I--”

Ronan moved to kiss him on the forehead, then the lips. The lips one was certainly a distraction tactic, tongue literally leaving him tongue tied once he stood up. “You'll be doing this a lot with her someday. Why not start now?”

Adam wondered if that was the point of all this. He didn't have to be sneaky about it if it were. “I don't know the first thing about taking care of a kid,” he admitted.

“You've done fine this whole week.” He paused putting on his socks at the foot of the bed. “And if there's an emergency call my mobile, yeah? I'll leave the keys for the truck by the front door.”

When he could see Ronan was set to leave, Adam reached for him to keep him here a moment longer, but he was a slippery sort. He slid out of Adam’s grip, and Adam grunted in disappointment. He didn't want to fuck up.

“What is this emergency anyway?” he said, nervously pulling the covers over him when there was nothing else left to do.

“Matthew didn't say,” Ronan said a little too abruptly. “I'll see you.”

“That's cryptic,” Adam mumbled, but Ronan didn't hear him, as he shut the door behind him.

Adam lay back down in bed and stared up at the ceiling, nervous. He loved Opal, but he had never taken care of a kid before. This was likely going to not be much different than the other times he was with her this past week, but it felt like it was. It was a big step in his mind, toward being the co-parent Ronan needed and Opal deserved. Today was new in little things. Ronan wasn't going to be there to distract her if she started throwing a tantrum when she was tired or cranky. Matthew wasn't there if she got bored. Adam was temporary entertainment before, now here he was to be her whole source of it an entire morning.

After a while of debating whether or not to get out of bed, Adam forced himself to dress and check on her. He wasn't all that surprised to see her already awake playing tea with her toys.

“Morning, Opal.”

Opal perked up brighter than usual when she heard him, and it took him half a minute longer than it should have to realize he spoke English at her.

“Let's talk English today,” she said.

Adam didn't want to argue. His Gaelic was being tested by a five-year-old daily. It was nice to have a little break.

“Don't tell Daddy,” she said, pushing past Adam in her dinosaur print pajamas. “He likes Gaelic more.”

“Our secret,” he said, following her along throughout the house, wondering where she was taking him and Chainsaw the toy bird.

When he realized she was bringing him to the kitchen he remembered there was this whole thing called ‘breakfast’ and that it wasn't magically made every morning by his cute Irish boyfriend. He had to make something today.

“What are you hungry for?” he asked, when all Opal did when she entered the kitchen was sit down at the dining table. She set Chainsaw down in the seat beside her, and then rested her chin on the tabletop to watch him.

“French toast,” she said. “With sausage.”

“You guys eat a lot of bread at breakfast.”

“It's yummy.”

Adam smiled as he opened the fridge. “Can't argue with that.”

Opal sat playing with Chainsaw the entire time he made breakfast, waiting patiently to eat. She quietly took her plate when it was offered, and waited until Adam sat across from her at the table before she took a bite.

While Adam knew he wasn't an expert cook, he learned a few things from Blue and Henry that saved him now that he lived alone back home. He watched Opal eat, probably a little too intensely, until she swallowed and took a big swig of her juice.

“Do you like it?”

Opal looked up across the table at him, brow curling.

“My juice?”

“The food.”

He forgot momentarily he was talking to a five year old.

“Yeah,” said Opal, followed by her taking another big bite.

That was a rave review in Adam’s mind.

After they ate they moved into the living room. Adam thought Opal would want to watch some television, but instead Opal sat on the floor across from Adam on the sofa, staring at him. He felt as if she was sizing him up. Something was definitely different about this morning. She was quieter than usual, which concerned him only because of how vibrant and talkative she usually was. Maybe she sensed this morning was different, too. He couldn't be sure. Either way, he felt she could read him like a book, and see all his insecurities laid out before them. He wondered what she was thinking, wondered what she wanted to do.

“What do you usually do?” he asked.

“What?”

Adam had to remind himself she was five.

“Like, what do you usually fill your days up with?” he reworded. “Before I got here.”

Opal shrugged. “No idea.”

“That's helpful,” he muttered.

Opal started to squirm on the ground. “Let's play a game,” she suggested.

Adam perked up a little. A suggestion. Great. “Okay. What game?”

Opal shrugged again. “Dunno.”

Adam frowned. Opal responded with a giggle, and he looked suspiciously at her. Something suggested this wasn't Opal’s genuine behavior.

“You're playing a game with me right now, aren't you?” he said.

She giggled again. “Maybe,” she said, squeezing Chainsaw close to her chest.

“Did your dad put you up to this?” Adam gave her a playfully annoyed look that she saw right through, giving it back at him with her toothy grin. She shrugged a third time, and Adam knew by this one Ronan had played some sort of game on him, perhaps because of his worries. He should've been mad, but looking into the face of the kid he already adopted in his heart he couldn't stay that way.

He sighed as she came to pull him from the sofa for reasons unknown. “You two are going to make me go gray prematurely,” he said.

“Let's go outside!” Opal proposed, ignoring him.

Finally, a real suggestion. He nodded, agreeing, but gestured toward her room.

“First, how about you change into regular clothes okay?” He didn't think it wise she play around outside in her pajamas. She didn't look put out by the recommendation, nodding back at him.

“Okay!” she shouted, gleeful. She ran off to her room to change, and it wasn't long before she came back dressed. It was clear she usually had someone else help pick out her outfits because when she came barreling downstairs she was wearing three different patterns that did not match. It didn't matter, because she looked happy, and maybe that was the new trend among five year olds these days. How would Adam know?

Outside it was a nice sunny day again, but Adam had Opal wear her jacket just in case. He was paranoid she catch a cold on his watch.

They ran around the property for ages, playing tag without officially claiming it so. When they got bored of that, they pet the cows and the sheep and the chickens, Opal giving each of them names they didn't have yesterday. When each were given Opal's undivided attention, they moved further from the house into the fields. Opal held his hand as they walked along, squeezing it whenever she tripped in the dirt. His heart soared every time she clung to him, holding her in response. She smiled up at him at some point, shading her eyes from the sun, and he felt so privileged to receive her smile. Lucky. He didn't want to leave this tomorrow. In just a week she meant as much to him as Ronan, and he couldn't quite remember life before he met her, before this week.

“Make me fly, please,” she asked.

Adam watched Ronan do this with her half a dozen times, so he knew what to do. He lifted her in the air like Ronan, spinning carefully in a circle with her held tight in his grip. She raised her arms to the sky and screamed for joy.

“Lift me higher,” she requested.

“I was only born so tall, Opal.”

“Excuses!”

After an hour or so of playing in the fields, the pair were both worn out and collapsed into the grass. They looked up at the clouds, and together came up with shapes for each of them.

Eventually they went back inside when Opal jumped to her feet at random and decided it so. As soon as they were back at the house she asked for juice, and Adam poured them each a glass, watching as Opal took hers to her face with both hands.

“Do you make beer like my dad?” she asked, before continuing to sip more of her juice. She downed it pretty fast while Adam barely got two sips in.

“No, I build things,” he said. He didn’t know how else to describe his job to a kid without it getting confusing.

Opal responded with wide eyes. She set her cup down on the counter promptly.

“Hold on.”

She disappeared back towards her room, leaving Adam behind confused. He waited for her to come back, and when it started to take a while he moved to check on her. He barely turned the corner down the hall when she came barreling back into the room with an armful of building blocks. There she dumped them on the floor, then ran back to her room and came back sooner the second trip with more.

“Let’s build something,” she said.

Adam smiled as he set down his cup. He didn’t know what to say to this. Opal fitting her activities around his interests. It meant something to him.

They sat on the floor and built stuff out of the blocks like that for a while, from castles to animals to “cities” Opal could stomp through like Godzilla. Slowly Opal was becoming less invested, her child attention span getting to her. After a couple more builds, Adam asked, “Have you ever built a fort?”

Opal looked offended. “What am I, three? Of course I have.”

“Mm,” Adam touched at his chin. “I don’t think your fort was as cool as it could be, though. I wasn’t there to help make it.”

She rolled her eyes like someone else he knew. “Prove it,” she said.

 

It was close to noon by noon by the time they finished, making a pretty badass fort if Adam had anything to say about it. Made with pillows, chairs, blankets, and fairy lights to light the inside. It took a lot of effort, and almost every pillow in the house, but there it was.

“What do you think?” he asked her.

Opal looked at it with wonder until she realized he was staring at her. She shrugged, pretending to be unimpressed. “Eh.”

“You _are_ a gremlin,” he realized, pulling her toward him as she started to laugh. He tickled her a little at her sides, and she squirmed in his arms laughing harder.

When the tickling was over, she moved to investigate the inside of the fort, dropping to her knees to poke her head in at the entrance.

“Can you read me a book in the fort?” she asked.

“Yeah, sure.” Adam gestured to her bookshelf. “Pick a book, and let’s go inside.”

It didn’t take her long to pick one out, _Alice in Wonderland_ , and the both of them fit cozily inside the fort on the pillows he set out for them to lie on. She wanted him to start from the beginning, and as he started to read she lay against him, an arm draped across his chest.

“Are you and my daddy boyfriends?” she asked.

Adam looked to her. He assumed it was okay to say yes, seeing as they were. “Yes, we are,” he said.

“Do you love each other?”

“We do.” Adam smiled. “A lot.”

“Gross.” Her nose wrinkled, and Adam poked at it with a small chuckle.

“It’s not gross,” he said, although he could understand how it could be to a five year old.

She shimmied so she could rest her head on his shoulder, and for a moment he didn’t know what to say or do. This tiny person had become so important to him. He bent his head a little so he could kiss the top of hers, before he reopened the book to resume reading.

Opal squeezed a hand at his shirt and he stopped.

“Do you love me?” she asked.

That drove a dagger through his heart. He was surprised by the question, but knew instantly his answer, nodding and reaching for her tiny hand.

“I do,” he said. “Don’t tell your dad, but I like you more.”

She snickered against his chest. “Our little secret,” she said. She placed a finger to the center of her lips to signify this.

“Do you love me?” he asked.

“Yeah.” She tugged at his hand. “You’re nice, Adam. You pinky promised you’re gonna come back.”

“And I am.” He tugged back. “I wouldn’t dare break a pinky promise.”

 

\------------------------------------------

 

Adam wasn’t sure when he fell asleep, but at some point he had, with Opal tucked in at his side and the book open and abandoned on his chest. The only reason he even woke up was a hand running through his hair, tugging a little at the end as it pulled back out. He opened his eyes to see the fort half lifted so Ronan could reach them, sat on his knees above them with an indecipherable expression. He blinked a few times, rubbing his eyes to rid himself of sleep vision.

“Hey,” Ronan said softly, “how was it? I take it by this fort you two had fun.”

Adam yawned as Ronan reached over him to pick Opal up into his arms, careful not to hit her head on anything as he pulled her out.

“It went great,” Adam replied, voice cracking from his nap. “I’m getting the hang of this kid thing, I think.” He sat up to follow Ronan as he moved her to her bed. Ronan tucked her in as Adam came up to stand beside him. He was still sleepy, even when Ronan turned and wrapped his arms around Adam’s hips.

“I bet you are,” he whispered. “Listen, I want to make it up to you for taking care of her this morning.”

“Oh, no.” Adam shook his head. “You don’t have-”

Ronan gave him a little shake where his hands rested on Adam’s lower back. “I insist.”

“Ronan.” He didn’t want anything out of this beyond what he already got, which was a successful morning spent with Opal alone accident and drama free.

“I already called the sitter and she’s on her way.” Before Adam could continue to protest, Adam was being kissed and dragged from the room. He waited to say anything else until they were on the other side of Opal’s bedroom door.

“Seriously, I don’t mind it,” he argued. “Like you said, I’ll be doing this a lot soon enough.”

“Do you want to go out or not?” Ronan folded his arms across his chest. He was taking this personal for some reason, getting upset when there was no need to be. He turned toward the end of the hall looking disappointed. “If you're fine spending your last full day here with Opal and Matthew, I'll go cancel the sitter and head out to the barn to work on-”

“I’ll go change right now,” Adam quickly interjected, to Ronan’s clear delight. “Dick,” he added, as he moved toward the bedroom with Ronan in tow.

Since it was just the two of them and it was a warm and bright sunny day, Ronan took Adam out on the back of his motorcycle. Adam had never been on a motorcycle before, but with all the new things he had been doing this week it felt less terrifying than it would’ve been last week. He sat on the back behind Ronan, pressed tight behind him, arms wound around his torso.

The view was breathtaking, as they drove through the plains of Inishmaan, down to the coast. He could smell the salt water in the air and feel the tide in the cold winds. He clung tighter to Ronan the rest of the ride.

Ronan drove fast down the windy country roads, faster than Adam’s ever gone in a car before. It was exhilarating and frightening at the same time, and he could feel every nerve ending in his body when they would take the curves sharper than traditionally. He wondered why Ronan was driving like this, but he also kind of liked it.

Eventually, they pulled over at a small beach past town, where they were presumably alone. When Adam stepped off the bike he took his helmet off with little struggle, looking around at their destination.

“What are we doing here?” he said.

Ronan ran a hand through his helmet hair, amused by whatever state it was in. Adam was thankful there weren’t any mirrors around, ignoring the ones on the bike.

“I thought you would like it,” said Ronan.

“Do you have some fantasy about having sex on the beach I don’t know about?” Adam teased.

“Around all that sand?” Ronan waved the thought away as he put both their helmets on the handles of his bike. “No thanks. Sand gets in odd enough places when you aren’t rolling around in it.”

Adam had to chew on the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing. “Sounds like you have knowledge from previous experiences.”

“You’re making this impossible,” said Ronan, turning his head away.

“Making what impossible?”

“Come on.” Ronan outstretched his hand for Adam to take it. Their fingers slipped in between the spaces of the other’s effortlessly. Together they started toward the sand, past the high grass and the rocks. Most of the coast was made up of cliffs and grass; this was one of the few spots they drove past that touched the sea. “Don’t ruin the surprise,” Ronan added.

“I hate surprises,” Adam replied.

“Mm. You’ll like this one. I hope.”

They walked for a little while down the shoreline, the tide coming in and inching ever closer toward them the further down they went. They were silent as they walked, Ronan looking to have a destination in mind but not keeping Adam in the loop about it. While this was nice, strolling down the beach, Adam was confused his motives here.

“How is this supposed to make up for this morning?” he asked.

“Thought you said you didn’t need that made up for,” Ronan replied coolly.

“I - Don’t change the subject.”

Ronan smirked at him.

It wasn’t long until they turned past a large boulder on the shoreline and came across a picnic all set out and left alone. Adam looked around at the empty beach, perplexed.

“Someone left their picnic here,” he said.

Ronan released his hand to gesture to it. “It’s ours,” he said.

Adam stared at him, and then the picnic, and then back at him. “Was this your emergency?”

“I _may_ have exaggerated the need for me to go into town with Matthew,” Ronan said, looking away with reddened cheeks. He gestured for Adam to sit down, but Adam wasn’t going to sit until he understood the point of all this.

“Why?”

The lack of expected appreciation looked to be wearing on Ronan, who sighed and rolled his eyes, arms coming to cross over his chest similar to when Opal was about to throw a tantrum. “You’re making me jump through all this,” he grumbled. “Fuck. I had this whole thing planned, and this speech-”

“What are you talking about?”

Ronan leaned against the rock, arms still crossed, eyes cast down. His foot dug into the sand, another similar behavior to Opal’s.

“I hear that New York City has some excellent schools…”

This was a strange segue in conversation. “They do…” Adam agreed.

“How much do you like your flat in New York?”

This put Adam off. “Rather a lot, actually. Why?”

“Would you…” Ronan ran a hand through his curls, eyes still focused on the ground. “Would you ever think of getting a bigger one?”

“I don’t need a bigger one.” Then it hit him. “Wait.”

This startled him, more so when he made eye contact with Ronan who was staring at him so peculiarly. He couldn’t place what emotion Ronan was expressing, but it was intense, the gaze he was receiving.

“Is this your way of asking to move in together?” He moved in closer to touch at Ronan, whose arms unfolded so they could reach for him in turn. “What about the farm? The brewery?”

“Matthew can handle the brewery when I’m away, and I can always fly back if I need to. The farm…” Ronan closed his eyes a moment, as if to think of the words. Adam, himself, was speechless. “I’ll miss it, but I want to be with you more than I want to stay here without you. It’s in good hands with Matthew, too.”

Finally Adam found his voice and he asked, “Do you think Opal would mind the change?”

“She’s a smart kid. She’ll be fine.” Ronan stepped away from the rock to touch at Adam’s face, holding it in his hands. His thumbs ran smooth down the line of Adam’s cheeks, “Do _you_ want to do this?”

There it was again, that piercing gaze of his full of such intensity it shook Adam. He wasn’t sure what brought all this on, although the thought of moving in together in New York had his stomach doing flips. He couldn’t fully express how happy he felt, still not fully processing everything. “Move in together?”

Then Ronan made it all the more mind altering by getting down onto one knee.

Adam startled a step back. “Fuck.” His heart leapt to his throat.

“Technically we've only been together a week,” said Ronan, visibly pushing past the sight of Adam recoiling, “but I've known you a year now and I don't want to waste another moment of it not married to you.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a tiny box. It was surreal to watch him open it to reveal a simple silver band ring inside, an engagement ring. This felt impossible, and yet. “I've wasted enough of our time just getting to this point I don't want to waste any more of it.” Ronan’s voice was shaking. He was nervous. “I love you, Adam Parrish. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?”

There were no words. Adam clambered for something to say and came up with nothing but the lump in his throat and the sting in his eyes. He could only jolt forward and kiss tackle into Ronan, accidentally knocking them both over into the sand. Ronan took a second to respond, either surprised or worried of his silence being a no.

Adam felt privileged in love since he arrived here, but now he felt bathed in it. He knew he was never going to feel alone ever again.

Ronan gently broke the kiss with a nudge at his side to sit up. They were both panting when they broke apart, dusting sand off the other and taking in everything that just happened.

Fuck. Adam realized he didn’t say yes.

He quickly took hold of Ronan’s closer hand, interlacing their fingers, as he sat in the sand on his knees before him.

“I used to not believe in love,” he said. “For so long I thought it didn’t exist, that people were making it up. I didn't have it growing up. I didn't really see it for so long. Then when I went to university, and I met Blue, and I saw how much her family loves her I started piecing it together. Then I realized it was a privilege. Something you had to be fortunate enough to have. And I wasn't fortunate enough.”

Ronan made a face at that in response, but Adam shook his head. He wouldn’t allow him to look at him like that.

“I didn't really care,” he said. “I mean, I did, but I didn't exactly know what I was missing, so I wasn't as upset about not having it. I didn't think I needed it. I had Blue, and soon Noah and then Henry. But then when I met you, I started to see what everyone was talking about. How love is so powerful and wonderful when it's with the right person. How your whole world can change.”

Adam embraced Ronan, holding him tight. Ronan responded, although Adam could feel some minor hesitation. He pulled back far enough to see his face, see confusion.

“I hope this is your way of saying yes, because if this is you saying no--”

“Yes yes yes, asshole,” Adam said. “I'll marry you. I love you.”

“Oh good.” Ronan let out a nervous laugh. “For a second there I…” He shook his head. “I love you, too. Shit. This is really happening, isn’t it?” Adam nodded, smiling. “Are you hungry? I have food.”

Adam had never laughed so joyously before in all his life. He was never going to forget this day. This moment. This feeling, as Ronan slid the ring onto his finger, kissing him hard on the lips until they had to break to breathe.

 

\--------------------------------

 

On Adam’s final morning in Inishmaan, Ronan made the breakfast of all breakfasts, with what felt like every imaginable breakfast food one could think of. It was just the three of them this morning, as it would be for more mornings soon enough. They hadn’t yet discussed the details of everything yet, other than the simple fact of moving in together before Opal would need to start school in the fall. Beyond that there was a lot to discuss, but that morning they simply lived in the now. It was enough.

Ronan and Opal both came with Adam to the mainland to say goodbye to him at the airport. Opal gave Adam Chainsaw to keep him company on his long flight home, and Adam almost cried at the security line when he had to say goodbye. He kissed both of them several times before finally Ronan had to remind him he would miss his flight if he didn’t leave.

“I wouldn’t mind it if you missed your flight, but I know you would be pissed.”

Adam swallowed back his emotions long enough to kiss him one more time before he allowed himself to be swallowed up by the crowd forming at the line. When he made it through he could still see them, and they waved before heading back outside.

This time he didn’t need a drink to help wrangle his nerves. He had the stuffed raven from Opal for that, which he held to his chest with the thought of seeing them both again very soon.

On the plane, he sat by the window this time, to look out at the world. It looked so small from so high up. He was transfixed by how much world there was, how little he had seen and how excited he was to explore the rest of it with Ronan. He looked down at his finger where Ronan placed the engagement ring. It felt right. He felt like a king of the world. That he could do anything. He was wide awake the entire flight back to New York City with the promise of tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey you, it's been a while...... hope this was worth the wait
> 
> hope this isn't too soft and ooc or repetitive.
> 
> me: worries always
> 
> again i always appreciate all the comments and messages from you all. let me know what you think. xx
> 
> you can find me on tumblr [here](http://cabeswatergreywaren.tumblr.com) xx
> 
> p.s. the next chapter will be the last one...


	8. The Fourth Wedding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ronan held him tighter to him, grinning. "You’ve been hanging out with Opal too much."
> 
> "Well, she does live with me."
> 
> "I missed you," said Ronan, arching into him for another kiss. One hand came to rest at Adam's face and push back a lock of hair from his cheek. Adam could get lost in his kisses, especially when they went slow and soft.
> 
> "I missed you, too," he sighed, when they pulled apart again. He made a sound to show he was happy and content as Ronan started running his fingers through his hair.

Adam’s alarm clock went off way too early in the morning. He was not ready to wake up yet, and preferred at least several more hours of sleep. This was the first morning in months he wasn't woken up by Opal shouting or charging into bed to say good morning, or Ronan getting up early for work or kissing him awake. While he loved all these separate scenarios dearly, things he never dreamed he would ever have, sometimes he liked sleeping in until his body naturally decided it was time to wake up. Sleep fulfilled.

Today was not that day, apparently. He hit the snooze on the alarm by his bedside, only for another alarm to come to life. Then another. He was startled awake by dozens of alarm sounds coming together to structure a cacophony of noise in his room. He sat up straight and noticed the army of alarm clocks that surrounded him, all piercing and annoying. He was awake.

"What the fuck!" He didn't set up these alarms, which meant someone else must have. Last night he passed out pretty early, tipsy from the one drink he had, his tolerance even worse than it already was.

Upon shouting, Noah sat straight up from his position on the floor and Adam remembered they were rooming together for the night.

"Oh, good." Noah rubbed his eyes as he started turning off the alarm clocks within his reach. "You heard them."

"They're sort of hard to miss," Adam noted.

Noah smiled, tilting his head to one side. He rested it on the foot of the bed. " Had  to make sure you weren't late for this one."

After all alarms were turned off Adam went downstairs of the bed and breakfast they were staying at. He walked into the kitchen to find Blue already there, fishing around in the fridge. She was already dressed, whereas Adam willingly came downstairs in his pajamas and bedhead.

"What are you doing?" he asked her.

She slumped when she realized she had company, and she pouted as she shut the fridge door.

"Yogurt," she said with a sigh. "Ugh they don't have any." She turned around and took him in. She looked him over in surprise. "You're not dressed," she noted.

" Perceptive," Adam said, moving around to her side of the kitchen. He went for one of the muffins sitting on the counter for them. After a bite, he said, "Also, unfortunate about the yogurt."

She shrugged. "I'll live. Is Noah ready yet?"

" No idea."

" Ugh. Noah's worse than you are," she said, fiddling with her hair. She put it up for today, with streams of color swirling around from her most recent dye adventure. "I thought _I_ was going to be late, and yet at the very least I'm dressed."

" Yeah, I only just woke up," Adam grumbled, taking another bite of his muffin. He sat down at the kitchen table to focus on it. "I'll only be a few... wait, late?"

When he looked up at Blue she had her arms folded over her chest, looking at him like he was being embarrassing.

" Yeah," was all she said.

He stood again.

" Late how?" he asked.

" It's almost ten," she replied.

" You're fucking joking." Adam threw his muffin at her in his panic as he started for the stairs. "What? Noah!"

He rushed through getting dressed, poorly so, but to a point he could walk out in public at the very least. One shoe untied and his bow tie a massacre on his neck, he raced into the car with his friends. Henry Cheng was already at the wheel, and Orla, Helen, Henry Broadway, Noah and Blue were already inside rushing him in.

As soon as they got to the church, Adam immediately opened the door and jumped out, barely waiting for Cheng to come to a full stop. He was just finishing with his bow tie, hands shifting to his hair. In a hurry, he ran his fingers through it to slick it back.

"Come on. Get out of the car," he said to his friends. They all weren't moving from their seats. "What time is it now?" he said, concerned.

"Do you _really_ want to know?" asked Blue.

"Yes yes. How late am I?" Adam didn't want to really hear the answer.

His friends all looked amongst themselves, exchanging looks. He was confused by this. They should be as panicked as he was. He felt like an absolute mess to be this late, to the point his one shoe was still not tied.

" It's just turned a quarter to nine," said Noah.

" Oh god-" He turned back to the church and sprinted toward the entrance, only to pause a few steps. He nearly slipped on his shoelace from the abrupt halt. Slowly, he turned back toward his friends, aware of the time disparity. "Wait."

They all burst into laughter, phones out, as he turned around completely. Each took a picture of him and the mangled expression on his face, of annoyance and surprise and confusion and did he mention annoyance already.

"Got you!" said Cheng.

" Assholes," Adam cursed. His heart couldn't take all this drama. "Assholes, all of you!" He placed his hand to his chest to try to tame it, unsuccessfully.

They only laughed harder. His friends loved him in weird ways.

"Wanted to make sure you weren't late for this one," said Blue. The look she gave him was one of only love.

It was impossible for him to be genuinely mad. Not when he was getting married today.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"Ay, Daddy, wake up. Ay. You. Wake up! Gamsee made waffles."

It was too early in the morning for this. His alarm hadn't even gone off yet, and yet here he was being woken up by a little gremlin sitting on his waist. She was not as light as she used to be.

"Nnnnggg, shoo little bird I'm trying to sleep."

"Daddy, you're gonna miss everything if you sleep."

"That's fine by me." Ronan rolled over into his other side to ignore his daughter's pestering. She persisted, crawling over him to begin poking at his face.

"Hey," she whispered, close to his face. He could feel her breathing. "I'll give you my waffle."

"You love waffles," he groaned. He wished he got in the habit of locking his bedroom door. He just wanted to sleep off witnessing his brothers and best friend get drunk on his behalf and try to sing along to old Disney songs after they found Opal's movie collection. That was his bachelor party somehow. His whole night. "You would give up your waffles for me?"

"Yes, because you're keeping me from Adam."

Ronan broke into laughter as he heard that, both in disbelief and not all that surprised she would say something like that. "You saw him two days ago," he said between laughs. "That's more recent than I got."

Opal groaned, having learned that from Adam. She was growing up too fast. 

"It's not enough," she said. "I miss him."

"I miss him, too, kiddo," he replied. He rolled over so he could sit up. Opal allowed him, crawling off him to sit on the bed beside him. When he was in an upright position, completely awake now, he reached over and pushed away her hair from her face. She was letting it grow out a little, and she looked more grown up as a result.

"Get up!" she said excitedly. "Waffles and then Adam!"

She peeled off the bed and then ran out the door and down the hall. He could hear her shouting more things at him but it was impossible to make them out.

"There's more things happening in between those, I hope you realize," he called out, but he was pretty sure she didn't hear him. Or care. She was a child after all, and waffles were involved.

Downstairs Gansey was making a plate of food for Opal, who was already at the table with a fork in hand. Her little legs could be seen shaking under the table.

Matthew had his head resting on the tabletop beside her, visibly wrecked from last night's renditions of Mulan and Hercules' top hits.

Declan was probably still upstairs half dead, and Gansey looked surprisingly fine for someone who drunk dialed his wife last night.

"Morning," Ronan sighed, noticing the lack of movement in his younger brother. As he passed him to the fridge he checked his pulse to see he was still alive, and found he was conscious enough to swat his hand away. He moaned. Ronan patted him on the head, receiving another deeper moan of pain.

"Good morning," said Gansey. "How are you feeling?"

"I should ask you that same question." Ronan took out the juice from his fridge and poured a glass. It felt weird to be back here after six months of living in New York with Adam. The house was Matthew's now, but it still looked the same as he left it. There were parts of him that missed living here, in Ireland, on this island and this farm, but if he had to choose between this and Adam there was no contest. Adam would win every time. The memories he made with him and Opal in New York were incomparable.

"I took a bunch of vitamins and drank a lot of water, so I feel fine," said Gansey. He handed Ronan a plate of food to pass onto Matthew, who wouldn't sit up to eat it. He just continued to moan.

"You ready for the big day?" Gansey asked Ronan. Ronan looked at him and then looked at Opal, who smiled at him with a syrup covered chin. He took a napkin to her face before shrugging.

"It feels like we've already been married six months," he said.

"Living in sin," Gansey joked.

"Sin?" Opal stopped chewing her food. "What sin is that?"

"Eavesdropping," Ronan groaned, pushing the plate of waffles closer to his daughter. "Mind your own business, little monster, and eat your food. Your nana will be here soon to pick you up."

"To see Adam?" Opal gaped.

"Only if you finish your break-"

Opal started stuffing her face, and Ronan laughed. After a second he stopped laughing and started monitoring her eating.

"Hey hey. Don't eat too fast. You'll choke. Relax."

Opal frowned at him, but slowed her chewing anyway. It was too early to argue for both of them.

"Now, we have to be at the church in forty five minutes, so I want you ready in twenty. Do you think you can do that for me?"

Ronan looked up at Gansey, who looked concerned that Ronan wasn't freaking out as much as he was. He suspected he would once he got to the church, but for now he was taking it a moment at a time. This moment was dedicated to seeing Opal excited. She was more than ready for them to be married. Adam and her took to each other so fast and so well it made his heart sing, and made him realize all those months he spent worried and afraid of his future were for naught.

"Ronan, I need you to verbally respond to me so that I know you heard me," Gansey said.

"I still haven't gotten my waffles," Ronan replied, as he watched Opal finish up hers in a tornado mess of syrup and butter. Across from him, Matthew was still very much dead to the world, head never lifting from the table.

"Oh, for goodness sake. Ronan, be serious. It's your day, but don't be an.... you know, about it." Gansey fleetingly looked Opal's way. He always overcompensated his behavior around her as if she were a ticking time bomb and the second he said anything remotely inappropriate she would go off.

"That's right." Ronan grinned mischievously as he scooped Opal up out of her seat and moved her to rest on his lap instead. "It is my day, isn't it? What I say goes."

Gansey turned the waffle maker off and moved to face him. He waved his spatula at Ronan, who watched as specks of batter hit the floor.

"You're not going to pull a groomzilla on me are you?" he asked. "It's too late in the game for that. You had your chance."

Ronan leaned into his daughter's cheek, snaking her attention away from her juice cup. "Did you hear that, Opal?" he said. "Uncle Gamsee isn't giving me what I want. On my big day."

Gansey rolled his eyes in disbelief. "Oh for goodness sake."

"Do you hate my daddy, Gamsee?" Opal was good at tag teaming for Ronan's teasing and pranks. Matthew once made a joke that that's why he got a kid for. Ronan admitted to himself it was definitely a small perk.

He snickered as Gansey looked to want to say something but couldn't. He squeezed his arms around Opal, who giggled next to his ear. "That's a good one," he said to her. "Yeah, do you hate me Gamsee?"

"I.... Oh, you're impossible"

"He didn't answer the question, Opal." Ronan faked a pout, which she tried to kiss. "He does hate me."

"So mean, Uncle Gamsee!" Opal poured, too. Ronan almost broke with laughter at how on point they were being today.

"You two are ganging up on me," Gansey accused.

Ronan scoffed in fake horror. "How can we, a groom on his wedding day and a five year old, gang up on you?"

Gansey rolled his eyes again. He learned that from Blue.

"You are even more impossible when you're really happy," he remarked.

Ronan beamed with pride. He squeezed his arms around Opal tighter before letting her down to her feet.

He missed her dearly, having spent a couple weeks away from her, and away from Adam. He couldn't wait to see him. The next he would be seeing him they were getting married.

Suddenly his heart was racing and he felt a little dizzy.

Shit, he thought. He was getting married today.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

"I stole one of the bottles off the back of the catering truck," said Blue mischievously. She held it subtly at her waist as she approached her friends. They were sitting in the garden out the backside of the church, while the inside was having last minute finishing touches done to it. Adam was jittery with nerves, practically shaking as if he caught a cold. He had to sit down on one of the benches, sharing it poorly with Noah and the two Henrys.

"What are you guys doing?" Adam asked, as Orla helped pop the bottle open. It spilled a little and they tipped it so it would spill from the side. The garden was getting drunk today, apparently.

Everyone was in high spirits today, and so was Adam, although the closer to the moment he became more and more fidgety. He smiled at his friends as they passed the bottle around.

"We're making a toast," said Blue, who took a sip next before offering it to Noah down the line. She sat on the opposing bench with Orla and Helen and Noah's fiancé.

"A real toast, without all the adults around," Noah said, taking a sip next.

"We're adults," Adam pointed out.

Broadway took a sip next. "Eh, I beg to differ," he replied.

After Cheng took a sip they passed the bottle over Adam and to Helen.

"You've always been there for all your friends," she said. "You're going to be a great husband and father." She took her sip and passed it on.

"He's practically been both already for half a year," Orla noted, and everyone nodded and laughed together. "To Adam," she lifted the bottle high, "who took the most challenging route to getting to the altar I think I've ever seen, but that's always been Adam." Adam rolled his eyes as a result, and then Orla beamed, taking her sip. "Ready for a challenge."

"This feels more like a roast then a toast," he said, but no one responded. Blue had the bottle now, and she looked square at him across the garden patio. "You once told me you would never get married. That it wasn't in the cards for you. Your work was your partner. We made a bet that when we hit thirty-"

"I think it was thirty-five," he corrected.

"If neither of us got married, we would marry each other. Look at you now. So happy."

"You're one of us now," said Cheng, slapping a hand to Adam's back. "A boring married."

"No." Adam put his face in his hands. "It's not true."

They all laughed and piled on him with embraces.

The toasts continued, giving doubles each, some riffing on him still while others became more poignant and sweet. On Blue's second one, her genuine one, he nearly cried.

"You are loved and adored, because you are loving and adoring," she said. "I'm so glad you found someone worthy of you, because you are a king among men, Adam Parrish. I would've married you, myself, if I had the chance. We're all so grateful you and Ronan found each other, even though it was a little rocky at the beginning.."

Adam made a gesture with his hand that it was so so. The others all laughed a little.

"Just a bit rocky," he joked.

"But you're solid now," said Blue.

"And with an insta- family too! Beat us all to it."

"Don't sound bitter, Cheng," said Noah.

"You're the best of the best, Parrish." Blue raised the bottle toward him. "To the long and happy life you undoubtedly will have with Lynch."

"To Parrish!" they all said in unison. The bottle went around, and as it did Blue came and kissed Adam on the forehead. He still had jitters, but having Blue there certainly helped ease many of them.

He took a small celebratory sip when the bottle came his way. It tasted disgusting.

"You okay?" Blue said softly, when the others all started talking amongst themselves, sharing the rest of the bottle between them.

"I'm fine."

Even Adam knew he wasn't fine as he said it.

 

~~~~~~~~

 

Ronan always hated ties. They were always trouble to get on straight. It somehow snagged on his collar and caught it in the middle, and now he couldn't figure out how to fix it. His hands were shaking a bit. Nerves.

His mom gently slapped his hands away and turned him so she could fix it. They were at the church in one of the back rooms. He hasn't seen Adam yet, and he so desperately wanted to. That was all he wanted. To hell with the rest of this.

"You're messing it up more than you're fixing it," said Aurora.

Ronan could only fidget more. "I hate ties," he declared. "I hate this suit. I feel so constricted."

"You could've worn the kilt like I told you," Aurora replied calmly. A dramatic difference to Ronan's tone.

He shrugged as her hands still fiddled with his tie. "Once was enough in my lifetime," he said. "I'm not about to bare my legs to these people."

Aurora smiled softly. "You're nervous," she said.

"I'm not nervous."

She finished with his tie and put her hands then on his cheeks. She always managed to center him when he was spiraling. He looked at her, properly this time. She smiled at him and he felt like a kid again.

"You're shaking more than that time I caught you running around in the rain butt naked as a kid," she said, grinning. "You nearly caught pneumonia and I thank god you never did. Are you upset there's more people here than the both of you planned?"

Ronan was, but he also worried Adam wouldn't show. The fact he thought that at all was a ridiculous concept when the two of them lived together now. Still, he worried. He worried he didn't deserve Adam. Adam was amazing and beautiful and kind and funny. He was so smart and clever and he was wonderful with Opal. When they fought, they fought like he never fought with anyone else. They had sex like he never had sex with anyone else. They complimented each other in ways indescribable. He was the luckiest asshole in the world. Still, he worried.

" You look so handsome," she said. Her hands were still at cheeks, and he wanted to bury himself in her arms. This was proper adult shit. He didn't want to have to walk down an aisle. He just wanted to marry Adam.

"I'm so glad you grew your hair out again," she said softly. A hand went and tugged at one of his curls. "I did not like that bald style of yours."

" It was called a buzz cut, ma," he said.

"This looks nicer on you. My boy." She kissed his cheeks. "I love you, Ronan. I'm so happy for you."

He could feel his eyes burning with the threat of tears. " Don't get all sappy on me now, Ma."

" Too late."

Ronan smiled a little until there was a knock on the door.

" What is it?" He didn't mean for it to sound so irritable, but he was having a mild crisis in here with his mom.

" It's Blue. Let me in, loser."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Adam went inside the church alone, although his friends said he shouldn't if he wanted to avoid seeing Ronan before the ceremony. It was a tradition he didn't mind breaking, and he admittedly hoped to run into him before he saw him coming down the aisle. He needed to, to ground him before all the nonsense circusry that he was about to step into. But he didn't know where he was and he didn't know how serious Ronan was about not seeing him beforehand, so he wandered around what was a very old and Irish Catholic church. It echoed with each sound he cast, even his breathing seemed to reverberate against the walls. He never thought he would get married like this, in a church and in Ireland, no less. It still felt all so surreal to him.

He spotted Gansey up toward the front of the church, making sure everything was ready to go. He became their unofficial wedding planner by no one's choice but his own.

Their initial plan was to get eloped and surpass all this, but Gansey had a panic attack at the idea and at least convinced them to have this small ceremony on the island. This was the church Ronan's family used to go to together growing up. Ronan found a new church in New York, which Adam attended a few times just to spend time with him and Opal, but this was somewhere Ronan grew up. This place witnessed so much of his life before he met Adam, and even after. He touched at the woodwork in the benches as he passed, not all that surprised this was the first place Ronan thought of to get married in.

Adam was never one for religion, having come from the life he left behind in Virginia. He needed tangible things, but since meeting Ronan he did come to terms with the fact some things were unexplainable. Like in their meeting, and how again and again the universe kept pushing them together. He struggled not to get openly emotional out here like this. He was happy, if not a little terrified.

So much had changed for him since last he was on the island. Ronan and Opal came to visit not a week later after he went back home, and then a month after Ronan was moving to America and they were searching for apartments to live in together. They found one in Brooklyn, close to a good school for Opal, and for the past six months were living as if they were already married. Ronan was working hard to expand his company over into the states, while Adam's new promotion was more rewarding than he anticipated, and it now gave him time to spend with Opal before and after school. Ronan was constantly taking Adam to the movies, sometimes bringing Opal along if it was age appropriate. She often stayed with Blue when it wasn't, who had grown attached to her like an aunt. They had spent Halloween together as a family already, and Opal and Ronan's first American Thanksgiving. For Christmas and New Years, the other Lynchs came and surprised them in the city, making Adam feel so at home and so loved.

He would have never thought a year ago that this would be his life, but he was grateful it was. He was better for it. There was even the possibility of them adopting a dog soon, a surprise for Opal's birthday.

As Adam stood there distracted by thoughts, people had started trailing in around him. When he realized, it was from the congratulatory slap on his back from who was soon to be his brother-in-law, Declan. He looked hungover but happy, and Adam thanked him for his congrats.

Aurora appeared not long after, with Opal who was to be their flower girl. The second she spotted him she yelped and ran forward at him through the center aisle. He reached down for her and scooped her up easily into his arms, planting kisses on her cheeks when she hugged him back.

She hummed as he whispered, "I missed you so much, Opal."

"Missed you too," she said. "Daddy said it was only two days."

Adam snorted. "Yeah, of course he would. How is he?"

"Daddy is a groomzilla," she said.

He laughed, confused, and exchanged a look with Aurora who didn't appear to know what she was talking about either.

"Are you a groomzilla?"

"I don't know what that means," he said with a laugh.

She rolled her eyes. "Me either," she said. "Gamsee said he was. I don't get it."

"Ah." Adam nodded as if that made it make more sense. "I see. Me either."

"You look very handsome, Adam," said Aurora. "I'm so very happy that you and my son are marrying today."

"Me too," Adam replied, even though his belly was full of bats and butterflies. "Opal, are you excited?"

"Eh." Opal shrugged. She was playing with Adam'a freckles, making lines with her finger across his face. The Lynch family loved his freckles. "I'm missing Sesame Street for this."

Adam roared with laughter at the absurdity of her humor and how much it matched Ronan's. She was always surprising him. He 

"Come on, Opal," said Aurora. She gently reached for her granddaughter, who clung tighter to Adam.

"No!"

"Opal, don't do this," she said. "Come on. We'll see him again later."

"I don't want to." Opal squeezed. Adam was still getting used to her tantrums, something she didn't do all too often, and usually when she did Ronan was there. He rubbed at her back as she clung to him like a koala to a tree. She was determined not to go, shouting no repeatedly so close to his good ear.

"Opal, sweetie," he said softly, gently leaning back to try to see her face. She moved when he moved. "Come on. You're a big girl, right?"

"I don't want to go," she said.

"Well, I don't know about you, but I think that would be awfully weird if you married your dad with me."

She giggled despite herself, her arms still tight at his neck.

"Don't you want to go see Blue? She misses you, you know." His voice went lower as he whispered, "I hear she has chocolates for you if you ask her nicely."

"But you and Daddy are leaving after," she said. She sounded so sad and when she sounded sad she broke his heart. He moved to kiss her cheek.

"And we'll be back before you know it. I swear. Then after that I won't be away from you again. You'll get sick of me with how much I'll be around."

"That can't happen," she said. "Why can't I come with you?"

Adam looked at Aurora for some guidance, who came in closer again. "Because they're doing adult things for a little while. You would be so bored."

"Yeah, you'll have loads more fun here with your nana."

Opal sighed.

"Come on," said Adam. He kissed her cheek again. "For me? I love you."

"I love you, too," she said, and she unlocked her grip from Adam's neck, pulling back to wipe at her eyes. He couldn't tell if she had been crying or was simply tired, but he kissed her forehead anyway. She continued to pout.

"Does Blue really have chocolates?"

"I don't know," said Adam. "But it doesn't hurt to ask."

"Okay. You can put me down."

Adam promptly and gently set her down on the ground. She was still rubbing her eyes. Tired, he came to see. He kissed her again a few more times before she reached for Aurora's hand.

"I'll see you later," he said. 

"Not if I see you first," she replied. He smiled, and so did she. "I'll be the one with the flowers."

"Good to know."

He watched them walk away and felt a pang in his chest when she turned around and waved goodbye. It was only for half an hour, but he always hated having to say goodbye. Luckily this tantrum wasn't as bad as her first day of school, or even when he handed her to Gansey two days ago to see Ronan for the first time in weeks. He fixed his bow tie when he turned back around to see Matthew coming to say hello. Matthew looked like shit, visibly hungover.

He grunted a hi, and that's all Adam got.

"You look great, Matthew."

"Mmfunny."

Not long after, others started to arrive as well. Blue's family came in a collective, and were an overwhelming but loving bunch as they came to hug Adam hello and congratulate him. Persephone kissed both his cheeks and simply said, "I told you so."

Not long after, another familiar face trailed in, with a not so familiar face alongside him.

"Tad." Adam was genuinely surprised. He invited him but never would have expected to see him here. "What a pleasant surprise," he said.

"You did invite me!" Tad joked. Adam nodded, knowing he did. He hadn't seen him since he said he was in love with him.

"I'm glad you're here," and Adam meant it.

"Me too. A good excuse to see Ireland."

Adam almost rolled his eyes, but he expected that from Tad.

"This is my boyfriend, Jamal," he said, motioning to the man he came with, who smiled and shook his hand.

"Hi. Adam Parrish."

"Nice to meet you."

"You too."

It was nice to see Tad had truly moved on from him.

"Well, we'll go find our seats I guess," said Tad, gesturing Jamal along. "Save me a dance, will you?"

Adam knew he was joking and he gave a small laugh, but it was still weird. But that was Tad for you.

It felt like everyone in Adam and Ronan's lives were here. Even Travis's parents were visible in the small collective of people that now sat before him in this church. This wasn't as small of a wedding as he hoped. Suddenly he was overwhelmed seeing everyone here.

He excused himself as he was being greeted by Gansey's parents, and he disappeared into the back part of the church where there was bound to be no one. Ronan was still absent, even though he was the one Adam wanted to see most of all.

Through his search in the back rooms of the church, he found the room they used for Sunday school for the kids. In a panic he stepped inside and sat down in one of the child sized chairs. He hadn't felt nerves like this since college, not even when he came and knocked on Ronan's door without any backup plan if Ronan hadn't accepted him. Why couldn't they have just eloped, Gansey's feelings be damned? Why was he suddenly so nervous? It came at him like a tidal wave.

He tried to calm himself by picking up a toy he found on the floor. It was a toy car, red and shiny. It was like what he used to have as a kid, a collection he grew. He had come so far from that young boy, it was almost like another life.

He knew being nervous was foolish, and yet here he was feeling it all the same.

There was a knock at the door. He flinched. If he remained silent, maybe they would go away, think he wasn't in here. He desperately wished Blue allowed him his phone, so he could call Ronan and talk to him. He wouldn't be surprised that Gansey had taken his, too.

Eventually the knocking stopped and Adam eased. He returned to looking at the car in his hand, until the door swung open. It was Blue.

"Blue, I just want to be alone right now," he said.

He could hear the music echoing down the hall and he just wanted to stop time.

"Well, that's too bad," she said, and she moved aside to reveal Ronan behind her. He looked so good.

"Thanks, Blue," he said, with a gentle hand to her shoulder. "I have it from here."

"No problem," she said, and she made eyes with Adam. "I'll see you out there."

She shut the door behind her and Adam immediately rose on the spot. He was so relieved to see him he dropped the toy car and moved across the room into Ronan's arms. It had been weeks since they last saw each other face to face, although up until two days ago they still video chatted and called. Ronan had become a connoisseur of technology when it came to staying in contact with him.

They were both so busy leading up to the wedding. Ronan with his expansion of his brewery and new deals coming out of his move to New York. Adam had been working twice as hard as usual, too, so he could be able to take a break for their honeymoon and properly enjoy it. They were going to take two weeks and travel to new parts of the world Adam had never been to before. Flying opened so many possibilities, and he was excited to share them with Ronan. This was the end of a stressful month to lead into a wonderful rest of his life, and having Ronan present reminded him of that. Just seeing him grounded him again.

"Not runaway bride-ing me, are you?" Ronan said. Of course the first thing he would say would be a joke.

Adam ignored him and kissed him, hard and eager. As Ronan's hands came up to his waist he was reminded of why he was here in the first place. This was why he was going to go up in front of all those people and talk about his love for Ronan so publicly.

" That’s one way to greet a person," said Ronan, breathless when they finally broke apart. His hands were still on Adam's waist, and his were still at Ronan's face.

" Let’s go get eloped," Adam said. "We still have time."

Ronan raised his brow. " There’s only one priest on the island and he’s in the other room," he said.

" Excuses."

Ronan held him tighter to him, grinning. " You’ve been hanging out with Opal too much."

" Well, she does live with me."

" I missed you," said Ronan, arching into him for another kiss. One hand came to rest at Adam's face and push back a lock of hair from his cheek. Adam could get lost in his kisses, especially when they went slow and soft.

"I missed you, too," he sighed, when they pulled apart again. He made a sound to show he was happy and content as Ronan started running his fingers through his hair.

" What are you doing in here?" Ronan asked, but before Adam could speak, he added, "I think it’s a little late for you to sign up for Sunday school lessons."

Adam gently shoved at his shoulder. "You dick."

Ronan smiled. He pressed his face against Adam's forehead, not kissing him there, simply resting it. He shut his eyes as he felt Ronan's steady breathing fan his face, his hand constantly running through his hair. Adam felt himself smiling too, elastic and true.

" I shouldn’t curse in a church," he realized. "It’s probably bad luck or something."

Ronan's laughter shook his whole body, a strange feeling when it happened against his cheek. He liked it. " Yeah, well we weren’t supposed to see each other before the ceremony, either," said Ronan. "Breaking all the rules."

" Guess this means we can’t get married," Adam sighed. He pulled back.

" It’s been a good run, Parrish." At that, Ronan pulled away and offered his hand to shake. Adam did his best not to laugh.

"Nice knowing you."

When they shook hands, Adam split into another smile. It split wider when Ronan pulled him by the hand into another embrace. He ran a finger along the length of Adam's bottom lip, and then they were kissing again. If they kept at this it was certainly going to lead to something incredibly inappropriate for a church but just as holy.

He was left dizzy with delight when they parted again. The butterflies in his stomach were sated. His nerves were quelled. Then he noticed something, as his hands ran down the length of Ronan's jacket front.

"You're wearing a suit?" he said.

" Did you expect me to wear overalls?" Ronan said dryly.

" Where’s the kilt I was promised?" He tugged at Ronan's tie. This was mildly disappointing.

" No one promised you that," said Ronan, amused enough a smile escaped him.

Adam tugged at his tie again and over exaggerated his tone. Their banters always lifted his mood. " I was expecting a kilt," he said. "I wooed you from the start with the idea of seeing you in a kilt at our wedding. It’s all ruined now. I can’t marry you."

Ronan rolled his eyes. "You’re being so dramatic."

Adam softened, leaning into Ronan, inclining his face for another kiss. He was obsessed with his kisses.

" I don’t want to get married in front of all those people," he confessed. He shadowed his eyes to avoid any uninvited looks from Ronan, but he was satisfied to feel him hold him closer.

" Neither do I," he said, and when Adam looked up at him he could see the love in his gaze. He always looked at Adam like he was so amazing and special, which was an empowering thing to see and feel. That love."But I’m pretty sure Gansey’s going to murder us if we don’t," he then said, teasing with a twist at the slight curl in Adam's messy hair.

"I can take him," Adam said.

Ronan laughed at that. They embraced tight, Adam burying his face in Ronan's chest. He inhaled him, his familiar and comforting scent. It calmed him, the last bit of fear in him washed away.

" Is that all this is?" Ronan asked. Adam pulled back to see the concern in his face appear. "Nerves? Nothing else…?"

" I want to marry you," Adam replied instantly. "There's no doubt in my mind about that. You are my world, you and Opal. I love you... so much that it scares me sometimes. You already mean everything to me, even without this marriage thing."

" Marriage thing," Ronan repeated.

Adam let out a long deep breath. " If that’s what you focused on out of everything I said-"

" I love you, too." Ronan held him close again. Adam’s heart raced like it always did when Ronan said those three words, like it were the first time. He was never going to tire of them, never ever. It settled him, pushed him to kiss him again. They were probably missing their own wedding, but he didn't care. This was all he came here for today.

"I was going to wait to say this out there," Ronan said, clearing his threat several times, "but I guess I can say this to you in here first, when we’re alone."

" Say what?"

Without answering, he reached into his jacket pocket, and he pulled out a very twisted piece of paper that had seen better days. He opened it to show the crinkles on the edges of its folds.

"I've never been one for words," he said, starting to recite from the paper, "for voicing my emotions out loud as well as others. But I'll do it for Adam. I would do anything for him."

Adam realized these were handwritten vows.

"I always worried I would never find someone to love me like I love them," he resumed. "But when I met you, you held on and didn't let go, and I'm so grateful for your stubbornness."

Adam smiled, already feeling himself starting to choke back his reaction.

"I used to dream about a place that was made from magic, where inside it I could disappear into any time, any world. Where trees could talk and seasons change in an instant. Growing up it was the only place I felt I could be me, could be happy. It wasn't real, but I named my beer after it anyway. Making it real. When I met you, you became that somewhere safe. With you, I'm the most me there is."

Adam hadn't heard that story before, and now he was on the verge of weeping.

"Without you, I would be missing something. And it was this something that only you could fill. You alone. You are everything to me, Parrish. I vow to love and cherish you, through bad days and good. I'll say stupid things to make you laugh, and be quiet when you need silence to think, and I'll always love you. I'll be there when you're sad and when you're angry, which I'm sure I'll be the cause of." Adam tried not to laugh but couldn't help himself. "You are without a doubt the best thing that's happened to me. I mean, Opal too, but well you know what I mean. I have never been happier than I have been since I've met you. I plan to spend the rest of my life making that up to you. You are a great, loving, wonderful man and a great dad to Opal. Thank you for loving me, too."

When Adam folded the paper back into itself Adam started crying. Like a drain had been pulled, the tears streamed fast and heavy down his face. Ronan of course looked on in horror, like he had done something wrong.

"Are you okay?" He wiped away Adam's tears, though unsuccessfully as more kept coming. Adam breathed hard through them, emotionally compromised by Ronan's vows.

"I just." He took a long deep breath to get through the tears. He did another for good measure. "That was so beautiful."

Ronan shrugged him off. "I mean, it's okay. I'm not a wordsmith."

Adam shook his head defiantly.

" Shut up, Ronan," he said. "Don’t say that about yourself. This is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard."

"Yeah okay."

Adam gave him a tired look. It took Ronan a moment to realize he really meant it. His face flushed with color in response, shy even after he said all that.

" It’s all true," he said, moving to kiss at Adam's wet cheeks. He felt like a snot covered mess, but he resigned himself to Ronan's sweet gestures. "Every word. I don’t know who I would be without you. When I look back at who I was before I met you, I realize how complete you make me."

Adam sniffled. " Okay, now you’re bordering on cheesy," he said, wiping tears with the back of his palm.

Ronan grinned, wide and warm and inviting. He reached to kiss him but Adam couldn't with the mess he made from crying. He searched for tissues somewhere in the room, fortunate to find some on a desk. Thank god for kids and their known consistency for needing tissues. He cleaned himself up, and as he did he looked over at Ronan, who remained closer to the door. Even if he wasn't in a kilt, he was as handsome as ever staring longingly at Adam, the same way he looked at him for almost a year, same as he had been staring back at him.

"Okay," he said. Ronan didn't understand. "I’m not good at talking so openly about my emotions either, and so this whole vows thing was tricky from the start, but now I’m even more nervous to go after you."

Ronan swiftly crossed the room to him.

" It’s just us," he said.

Adam blew into another tissue, feeling so incredibly sexy right now. He sniffled again and looked down at their feet. Ronan's hands cupped his face as he breathed.

"Growing up, I didn't believe in love. I thought it was a lie. But as I grew older I realized it was a privilege, one I didn't have. While I felt some form of love from my friends, I never experienced that heart stopping, soul punching kind of love people talk about. Then one day I meet this very pretty man at a wedding," Ronan rolled his eyes at pretty, "and we get to talking and I realized shit. I want that kind of love. And I want it with him." Their eyes met and Adam could see the tips of Ronan's ears burning bright red. "Unfortunately I never saw him again, so--"

"You asshole," Ronan laughed, and Adam laughed too, feeling his hands return to his waist.

"You've changed my life for the better. I feel so privileged and happy to have you. To be a part of your family. To make a family with you. I love you unconditionally. You're welcome."

Ronan snorted out another laugh, and he kissed him. Adam slipped his hands into Ronan's jacket to meet at Ronan's backside. Ronan's hands had slipped back into Adam's hair, tugging on it just a little to stir sounds from Adam that shouldn't be made in a church.

The door opened behind Ronan as he was starting to pull off Adam's jacket, who jumped back when he realized Blue came in.

"Guys, if we don't get the show on the road, Gansey's going to have a heart attack or a stroke or something."

Adam could tell they looked like a mess. Ronan's shirt was untucked, his tie loose and crooked, and Adam wasn't any less obvious, including his unkempt hair that had surely risen in places where Ronan ran his fingers through it.

"Give is five minutes," Adam choked out.

"Five?" Ronan raised his brow high on his forehead. Clearly he had other plans to spend those five minutes. Adam looked at the want in his face, and despite this being a church and their wedding day and a million other reasons, he was equally impatient after hearing everything they just said to each other. He fingered the space on Ronan's chest he could see through the open buttons.

"Okay, ten minutes," he corrected.

"Can't you hold it for the honeymoon?" Blue begged. "Come on, you two. All of us came all the way here for you."

"Shit, you're right." Adam leaned away from Ronan. "We should do the decent thing then."

"Unfortunately," said Ronan. He reached for Adam's hand, who took it with ease. With the softest look he lifted Adam's hand to his lips and kissed then back of it.

"Let's give these fuckers a show," he said.

And that they did.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Opal threw her flowers at people's faces as she walked down the aisle, until Matthew who still suffered from a painful hangover chased her down and caught her before she could finish with her basket.

Gansey started crying the minute Ronan started down the aisle with Aurora, and that kick started a reaction in both Noah and Cheng.

When it came to their vows, both Adam and Ronan privately and wordlessly decided not to repeat them for everyone, keeping them personal and special between them. Instead they simply said I love yous instead.

They participated in the Celtic tradition of handfasting, which Adam remembered Ronan showing him the first night they met. He interlaced his fingers with Ronan's as their hands were tied together with rope. His heart was racing even though this was all just ceremonial. In his heart he and Ronan were married a long time ago.

When it came time to kiss the groom, Ronan kissed him with his whole body. His hands, though still tied, came and rested on either side of Adam's face. Their fronts pressed tightly together, as Adam was made to forget they weren't alone. Even as everyone applauded around them, all he could think about was how he got to do this with Ronan for the rest of their lives. He couldn't suppress how big his smile grew at that.

The reception after the wedding happened at a banquet hall next door associated with the church. Inside there was music playing, as Opal dragged both Adam and Ronan along by the hand. Adam never felt so loved as he did whenever he looked over at Ronan, to see Ronan already looking and smiling at him.

After an hour into people getting drinks and chatting with one another, constantly congratulating Adam and Ronan as they were preoccupied with Opal, their first dance was announced and Ronan balked.

"I didn't think we would have to do that," he said.

Adam laughed. "If you think I'm not taking advantage of dancing with you, you're mistaken."

"I don't like dancing," Ronan said flatly.

Adam leaned over Opal and touched at Ronan's face. "You danced with me before," he said, reminding him. Ronan held his hand there, but ruined it a little when he rolled his eyes.

"We're married now. I didn't think I'd be expected to dance ever again."

"Ronan," Adam said, shaking with laughter. "You're such an asshole."

"Oy." Ronan gestured to the kid sitting between them on the bench, coloring in her coloring book and oblivious to the world around them. "No cursing in front of the child."

Adam apologetically kissed Opal's head, who didn't seem to even register the gesture, and then Ronan's cheek. He twisted his head to steal a proper kiss from Adam before he peeled away.

"Well, I don't know about you, but I'm going to dance by myself." And Adam started toward the dance floor. When the DJ recognized his arrival toward the dance floor, they started to play the song Adam requested. As the first few notes started playing Ronan whipped him around and grabbed his hand. He looked put out by the idea of dancing in front of everyone, but Adam beamed. He didn't like being a spectacle either but he wanted to dance with Ronan.

"I'm going to kill you," Ronan whispered. "I can't believe you've made this our song."

"It's what played when we had our first dance."

"I hate you."

Adam grinned so wide his cheeks hurt. "I very much doubt that."

"We've become the very couple we mocked together," said Ronan, still pouring like a child. Adam kissed him to shut him up, as the song "You're the One That I Want" by Lo-Fang played on around them. It was either this or "Africa" by ToTo, but when Adam brought that one up Blue called him out and asked why that one, so he quickly changed his choice to this. This was more appropriate anyway.

After their dance the reception went straight to dinner, a very Irish feast of meats and wine. During the first course Blue stood up and started with giving the toasts.

"Adam," and as she raised her glass toward him, sitting next to him at the table, "you are without a doubt the best person I know. Sorry, Gansey."

Everyone laughed, including Gansey, who could only shrug.

"I've been blessed with having you as my best friend for nearly ten years, and I can honestly say... Ronan you don't deserve him."

Adam looked over at Ronan as Blue joked, who rolled his eyes but was found smiling anyway, behind his hand.

"Okay, jokes aside, Adam's the greatest, and I remember how in college everyone was so desperate to know him. They would come up to me on the daily and ask me about you, how to talk to you, because you were so intimidating with how smart and determined you were."

"No," Adam shook his head. "I don't believe you."

"Do you remember John Bradley, the football player who joined our study sessions in junior year?"

"He never said a word to me. I thought he hated me."

"Oh my god, no. He had his sexual awakening because of you. Didn't know how to ask you out."

Adam was red in the face, and he covered that face with both hands. He felt a hand come and rest gently at his back, and he leaned into it knowing it was Ronan. Everyone else was laughing, even as Blue continued with her stories. He had no idea.

"Not surprised," Ronan whispered. "You're very lovable. I would've idolized you in college, too."

Adam shot him a glare that held no real anger inside it.

"My point is, he's a very special person, and while it's taken a long way to get here-"

"Not that long," Adam countered. Blue poked him on the nose to shut him up.

"I am so glad that there is someone now who loves Adam as much as he deserves to be loved, because Adam, you deserve the world."

Adam was going to cry again. He didn't want to in front of all these people, and so he stood to give Blue a hug and bury his face in her hair.

"And Ronan, I love you too I guess, but if you hurt Parrish, they'll never find the body."

Ronan laughed even as Opal looked up at him and then Blue confused.

The speeches continued beyond that. Noah's was filled with a lot of jokes, half of which were in sign language so only he and Lucy could understand. Then the Henrys, who gave their speeches together. They almost made him cry again.

Gansey's was short and sweet, although he looked like he could've been up there forever, and only didn't because Blue pulled him back down. Declan and Matthew each gave a speech of their own, similar in Ronan's style with lack of words in situations like this and how to phrase them. Ronan looked at each of them appreciatively as they spoke. Orla gave one as well, on hers and what would've been Travis' behalf. Adam squeezed Ronan's hand as he looked as affected by her speech as Adam was by Blue's. She came over to kiss him on the cheek and he hugged her until Aurora started giving a speech of her own.

Hers was for both of them, and for Opal. In it she shared how happy she was to have such a lovely son-in-law, and that he made a wonderful father and husband even before today. Adam hid his face in his hands again, as she talked about how she knew Ronan was in love before he did, how when he talked about the cute freckled man he met in America he had never sounded so happy before when talking about anyone outside their family. And she was glad that a little someone came in and helped guide them together, at which point Adam looked over at Blue who looked like she was trying not to listen for fear of crying herself. They exchanged a look and each rolled their eyes at the other and how the very two who once loathed weddings were now about to openly cry at this one. She playfully shoved at his shoulder, and he returned the favor.

As their second course was being handed out, Adam felt a tug on his arm and turned to Opal, who was sitting between him and Ronan. She gestured for him to lean down, which he did, close to her face.

She pecked him on the cheek, and then said, "I'm too shy to talk to these people."

He held her hands in his and smiled. "That's okay," he said. "You don't have to."

"I love you," she said. "They know that right?"

Adam laughed, his heart so full. "Yeah, they know that. I love you, too."

"Good." She nodded once. "I'm bored."

Ronan joined in at that. "Nana has more coloring books for you if you want," he said. "Or maybe there's a game on her phone if you ask nicely."

Opal perked up at the idea of a video game and she scooted out of her chair. Adam followed the sight of the top of her little blonde head bobbing through the tables toward Aurora's, until he heard the sound of Opal's chair being pushed away, and felt his being pulled closer to Ronan's.

"Ah, much better," he said.

"I disagree. Opal's delightful to sit next to," he joked.

Ronan groaned. "It's been twenty minutes since I last kissed you. I'm getting restless."

"Oh my god you're impossible."

"So is that a no to the kissing then?"

Adam rolled his eyes as he caved, leaning in and kissing Ronan. Softer than all their other kisses, knowing there were more to come not long after this one.

When dinner was over, the cake was brought out immediately. Adam expected there to be time to talk to everyone and dance a little, but he said nothing. It was a nice layered cake, big with white icing and chocolate inside. It had a tiny four leaf clover on it, just for the expression on Ronan's face. Ronan hadn't seen that before and he looked over at Adam, incredulous.

"You dick," he whispered.

"Blame your mom," Adam teased. "It was her idea."

Ronan shot a look Aurora's way.

"What are we supposed to do now?" Ronan asked. "I've never paid attention this far at other weddings."

Adam took Ronan's hand and moved it to one of the knives sitting on the stack of plates beside he cake.

"We cut a slice each," he said.

Ronan frowned. "Oh, yeah. But why?"

Adam shrugged. "Tradition."

"God, I really wished we eloped."

Adam knocked his hip into Ronan's. "Too late for that," he said.

Together they sliced up the cake, each taking a piece and putting them on plates. He caught Blue taking photos with her phone and he gave her a playful scowl, which she returned in full. This was nice, even though he didn't want this in the first place and it was cliche and ridiculous and cheesy. He was enjoying himself, enjoying sharing it with Ronan.

"This is really stupid," Ronan huffed. "I've never understood why people do the cutting of the-"

Adam smashed his piece of cake straight into Ronan's face, who gasped as icing and chocolate slithered down his nose and cheek and onto the floor. Adam licked his fingers, snickering childishly, as Ronan gawked at him through the chunks collected on his face.

"You little shit," Ronan cursed.

"Tastes good," said Adam. "You should try it."

As Adam licked his fingers Ronan smashed his piece into his face in reply. Adam stilled, startled, and then started laughing. This felt so wasteful, but then he felt Ronan lick his cheek and he was surprisingly allured by the act, even though it was really weird. He pushed Ronan away, and then shoved the rest of the cake in his hand into his face, aiming for his mouth.

"Okay, okay, we get it you're married," said Blue. She moved into them and motioned to separate. "Share the cake."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Sometime later during dancing, Adam danced with Opal and Ronan together, until Opal started to get sleepy. Aurora appeared as if beckoned and picked her up to take her home.

"Goodnight, boys," she said. She gave Ronan a kiss on his cheek, and then did the same for Adam. "I'll see you tomorrow."

When she left, they were promptly bombarded by all their friends. As Ronan started to talk to them on their behalf, Adam realized he had to pee.

He excused himself to go find the bathroom alone, but on his way he was startled by a pair of arms coming up behind him and scooping him off the ground.

"Fuck," he shouted. When he was put back down he turned and realized it was Ronan. He slapped at his arm. "Lynch, what are you doing?"

Ronan's smile withered a little. "Wait so that wasn't code?"

Adam was confused. "What?" He realized a little late what Ronan meant. "No, I really need to pee."

"Oh." Awkwardly, Ronan ran a hand through his hair, and then seemed to get over the slight misunderstanding quickly. He reached for Adam's hand and slid closer into him. While Adam still had to pee, he allowed himself to be swept up into a breath stealing kiss. He was never going to get used to this, in the best possible way. "Well, after that, want to get out of here?" Ronan asked upon separation.

They were still entangled, just outside the reception. Adam glanced inside at everyone having fun in celebration of them.

" What about the party?" he said. "Shouldn’t we say goodbye to everybody?"

" Fuck that. I want to have sex."

Adam frowned at him. He was not impressed with his behavior, even though he was voicing exactly what he was thinking as well.

"We've had sex before," he said.

Ronan inclined toward him, an impish grin at play on his face. He was impossible. There was hunger in his eyes, starving for Adam, and his fingers were nimble in their roaming. "I remember quite well," he said. He raised one eyebrow. "It’s been a while, though."

Adam relented as he caught him eyeing his lips while licking his own. " Twenty days, but who’s counting?"

Ronan beamed. He already knew he won him over with his suggestion and he fully knew it. Adam took one more kiss from him before really having to go pee.

After, they snuck away together. Outside they found Ronan's motorcycle adorned with decorations for their big drive off later that was never going to happen now. Ronan promptly yanked off the streamers so he could sit down in peace.

"Hey." Adam tried to stop him but he was swift in his destruction. "Blue worked really hard on that," he said.

" Five minutes," Ronan countered.

As a result,  Adam rolled his eyes. He began to think better on leaving so early, when he could still hear the party going on inside. That was, until Ronan offered him one of the helmets, and Adam took it. He started to put it on when they both heard the door open and shut behind them.

" Hey."

They both turned, and Ronan closed the visor on his helmet.

" Fuck," he said, positioning himself in a more stable stance on the bike. "It’s the cops."

It was Blue, hands on her hips and a wrinkled brow.  
"Where the hell are you two going?" she said. "It’s not that late."

" You know where we’re going, missy," said Ronan. Adam swiftly responded to him with a light tap at his shoulder.

" Can’t be patient for once in your life, Lynch?" Blue replied, shaking her head.

" What can I say?" Ronan put his hand to his chest. "I’m insatiable. Parrish can’t keep his hands off me."

Adam frowned at him. "Please. This was your idea."

"Snitch."

"Patience is a virtue you do not have," said Adam, tapping two fingers at the side of Ronan's helmet. He could tell he was frowning through the visor.

" You really going huh?"

Adam turned to Blue and saw the look of longing in her face. As if he was moving away, not going off to start his honeymoon.

" You’re talking as if this is the end for us," he said. He handed off his helmet to Ronan before walking to Blue and taking her hands in his. She sighed. "I’ll see you back in New York in a few weeks after our trip."

" We’ll do lunch?" she asked.

" Do lunch." He smiled. "That sounds so adult."

" Yeah, well we’re both boring marrieds now," she said with a shrug. "Have to come to terms sooner or later we’re adults now."

Adam shook his head. "Don’t say that," he said, playing along with mock horror.

" It snuck up on us so soon." Blue gripped his hands tighter. "I thought we had more time."

Adam smiled at her. She smiled back. He was so grateful for her, for everything. Together they looked back at Ronan who was still at his bike, quietly holding Adam's helmet in his lap. For once he was patient. 

" I guess I should let you get back to your escape plan," said Blue, not very committed to her decision. "Don’t want to be the reason you get caught."

" Ronan would never forgive you," Adam said, joking.

That at least sparked some amusement in her. She laughed . "Can we still do late night ice cream visits?" she asked.

" Duh." He pulled her into a hug. She squeezed tighter than he expected. "Best friends for life," he said. "One text and I’ll be at your place with a pint in hand. Always."

" Good. I love you, dummy."

" Love you too, Blue. This isn’t goodbye."

" I know." When they separated he could see her pout. "Feels like a new chapter, though. Things’ll be different. We aren’t two hip single youths in the city anymore. We’re boring marrieds now."

" We couldn’t be boring if we tried," said Adam.

" That’s true," Blue agreed.

They hugged again, longer and tighter. This time, she leaned up and reached to kiss him on the cheek when they were through. With her thumb she wiped off what was probably lipstick on his cheek.

" Hey, you stealin my man?" Ronan called out.

" Yes," Blue said without pause.

" I got my eye on you, Sargent."

Both Blue and Adam rolled their eyes in unison at him.

" See you back in the states, loser," she said. She stuck her tongue out at him. He lifted his helmet enough to reciprocate.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

They were staying at the bed and breakfast in town, due to the rest of the family staying at the Lynch farm. It was the same room Adam stayed in the night before, so all his things were already there, and at some point during the day some of Ronan's was moved there too. All these moving parts that came with a wedding and he couldn't believe somehow Gansey and Blue pulled them all off. Then again, they did have a wedding before them.

For some reason, as Adam watched Ronan brush his teeth and check for any cake residue left after earlier, he had flashbacks to the first night they met. How awkward they were, how sweet Ronan was to humor his desire to learn about anything and everything. Here they were, come full circle.

When Ronan seemed satisfied with his cleanliness he shut off the light in the bathroom and came and grabbed Adam with both hands. Using his very powerful upper body strength he lifted Adam off the ground and carried him the five feet it took to walk to the bed.

Adam laughed as he was set down, back delicately placed onto the mattress. Swift, Ronan was above him and straddling him. They kissed with full force, desperate to have each other. Since they started dating, twenty days was the longest time they spent apart and it felt longer than the months between their visits before. It was somehow worse when they knew they could be together and holding one another and kissing, but simply couldn't due to work.

"Next time you have to go back to Ireland, I'm coming with you," Adam said, as Ronan started pulling apart his shirt. His lips trailed down Adam's stomach, and he shivered from the rushed contact.

"Fine by me," Ronan said, stirring a moan as he nipped at Adam's hip. Before long he was further down, undoing Adam's pants and pulling them down, his briefs along with it. Without any lead up, he took him in his mouth and Adam gasped, instinctively jerking his hips up a little. Ronan and Adam had grown so comfortable and familiar with one another in every aspect that Ronan wasn't even phased by the habituallift into his mouth.

As he started a rhythm with his lifts and falls, his hands came and started massaging at Adam's thighs. Adam missed this, and he stretched out to run his hands through Ronan's head as he made sounds of pleasure louder than he had in months. Having sex with a kid in the same apartment was a struggle. Here he held nothing back and moaned loud and often, as Ronan held nothing back either with his tongue and his hands.

When Adam could feel himself swell and almost spend, Ronan lifted himself off Adam's member and pull off his pants the rest of the way, them having dangled at his ankles up until now. Adam reacted with a reach for him again, shuddering at the sudden lack of touch.

He sat up when he saw Ronan stand, noting that Ronan was still mostly dressed while Adam was made completely naked.

"What are you doing? Get back here." He saw a twinkle in Ronan's eye and he lifted a finger at him. "Don't say it."

"Patience is a virtue you don't have either," Ronan quipped, smirking as he let his pants fall to the wayside same as Adam's. He then lifted off his dress shirt and dumped it in the same pile, equally as naked as Adam now.

The sight of him was always welcome, and Adam chewed on his bottom lip, longingly taking him completely in. The new additions of the wedding band on his finger and the tattoo on his chest opposite Opal's tattoo were sweet reminders of how much has changed between them.

When Adam told Ronan about how Blue's family referred to him as the magician, Ronan got the idea from that for the tattoo he wore to symbolize Adam. An infinity sign colored blue. It held many meanings for them both, about how they kept looping back to one another again and again, and how they knew they were going to be together for the rest of their lives. Adam was thinking of getting a tattoo as well to symbolize Ronan, but he hadn't thought of anything yet. If there were a way to place Ronan's weird sense of humor on him in ink he felt that would best memorialize him, but he wasn't about to put a bad joke on his body.

"Come here," he said, gentler than before. He reached for him, and Ronan took his hand in his. He kissed the inset of his wrist, trailing from there up his arm until he reached his shoulder, and then from there his lips. Adam slipped back onto the bed, pulling him with him.

He moaned as they pressed their bare fronts to each other, both hard and aching. Ronan stared down at him with a wrecked expression, desperate for him.

He kissed him long and slow before Ronan made a motion they switch positions.

Ronan moved to let Adam get above and behind him, as he reached for lube and condoms from the bedside table. Adam readied him as always, gentle but also firm with his touch. They had gotten extremely skilled and proficient at having sex, fitting together so easily and aware of the other's wants and needs. Adam made Ronan moan as he prepared him, leaning against his back with his whole body until he was ready. He kissed up the center of his back as he went in, careful as he entered. He held at Ronan's hips with both hands to keep him in place as he went, and upon entry he cried out same as Ronan from the feeling. Spending a few weeks apart made this all the more sweeter to have it again. He ached for him and pushed further in, nudging Ronan forward who groaned with pleasure.

Adam began to thrust, slow but steady. He knew they could take their time, and so that's what they did. Through the course of penetration he moved one hand off Ronan's hips to find one of his that gripped hard at the sheets. He laced their fingers together, as he rocked his hips back and forth. Ronan trembled with a soft moan, his head dipping forward as he pushed his body a little into Adam's hips.

To keep it going but make it just a little different, Adam lifted Ronan's hand off the bed and silently gestured they continue in a more sitting up position. He positioned Ronan against the headboard, hands both gripping the top for support. Both of Adam's hands returned to grip Ronan's waist, as he continued going in and out. His pace quickened as Ronan leaned back into him, tilting his head so Adam could kiss him. He took firm hold of his hips to steady him for each press into him. They both moaned as Adam rocked a little faster.

With one hand he took hold of Ronan from the front, and started jerking him off in tempo with his thrusts. He bit at Ronan's neck, who shuddered out a low grunt when he pulled forward. His bites moved up to his ear, which he carefully nibbled at. Ronan leaned into the touch, eyes shuddered closed. His mouth was wide open as he grunted again, swallowing hard from Adam's every touch. Adam closed his eyes as he went harder and faster, until he felt Ronan swell in his hand and then release.

Adam kept going, breathless but starving for more touching. He kept going even as Ronan came a second time, until finally he was overwhelmed with pleasure himself, and he came too. His whole body shook as he did, moaning into the nape of Ronan's neck.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

After, they curled up under the sheets as the weather grew colder outside. Ronan held him to him, Adam's head resting on his chest. He fingered the space his tattoo sat, still a little surprised Ronan marked himself with something so permanent that represented him. He could feel his heartbeat against his cheek. The rhythmic thumping lulled him into a state of such contentment.

He was happy.

But also a little bitter.

"I still can't believe you didn’t wear a kilt," he said.

Above him, Ronan groaned. " Jesus Mary and Joseph. You’re still fucking on that?"

Adam tried not to laugh. "I just feel so betrayed," he said. He ran a finger down the center of Ronan's chest toward his stomach and then a place that disappeared under the sheets. He felt his heart rate elevate and his breath catch in his threat.

" I’ll fucking buy a kilt and wear it around the house if you're so inclined," he said. He didn't come off as put out as he knew he wanted to sound.

" I’d like that, yes please," said Adam, pausing his hand.

Ronan looked over at him with wide eyes. " You’re serious?" he said.

Adam sat up. " You weren’t?"

" I…" Ronan couldn’t keep himself together any longer, and at once he started laughing. "Fuck, Adam." He moved the hand he had wrapped around Adam'a shoulders to place at his face.

Adam grinned a toothy grin. He loved to hear him laugh.

" Can’t believe I’m stuck with you for the rest of my life," Ronan sputtered out between bouts of laughter. Adam prodded him in the chest.

" You better believe it," he said. "Because I’m sure as hell not letting you go."

Ronan softened at the comment, laughter fading away. He was still smiling as he leaned over and kissed him.

"Good," Ronan said between kisses. "I’d be highly offended if you did."

_This was bliss_ , Adam thought. This was the happy ending he wanted, the happy ending he deserved, only it wasn't an ending. It was the beginning of something much, much better than he ever could have dreamed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi thank you so much to everyone who has ridden this journey of fic writing with me haha. i appreciate every single reader and commenter and i hope this fic inspired a few people to see this classic ;) lol
> 
> i hope you enjoyed the conclusion and that it felt satisfying and not too much etc etc.
> 
> and the tattoo idea was offered by the lovely tumblr user ellipsesetcetera thank you. 
> 
> thanks again for reading! feel free to leave a comment.
> 
> you can also find me tumblr [here](http://www.cabeswatergreywaren.tumblr.com)


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